On The Plate ... 9/6/07

Smooth Since the Days Of Underoos

Over the weekend, just in case you didn't see, these homeboys moves hypnotized opposing teams as well as me. Consequently, the CSG respects their flashy ways, which makes sense because their opponents are broke, and these homeboys are so paid. (Queue Puff Daddy saying "uh-huh" roughly 18x.)

Yes, I did just do that, and I think I pulled it off quite nicely.

The Top 10 "Smooth Since the Days of Underoos" performances of Week 1…

10) Virginia Tech - No explanation needed here. Everything that happened in Blacksburg on Saturday was more than impressive. Granted the Hokies, as a football team, weren't as sharp as expected, but who can blame them. The kids had the weight of a community, and the eyes of America, on them and they went out and ground out a W. Big respect. Personally, the National Anthem into the 'fly by' into 'Enter Sandman' had me on my feet hollering, all goose-bumped up, like a lunatic. What a scene. Side note: Hats off to ECU who played their hearts out, especially on a national stage in which the sentiment was definitively not in their favor.

9) Wyoming - The Cowboys punked the donkey out of UVA, and coincidentally the CSG, and did it wearing the tightest New Balance sponsored football suits in the history of mankind. For all you suburbanites, when I say 'tight' I mean money, not 'uncomfortable to wear' tight. Just a head's up. Seriously, how about Wyoming's suits? White lids, brown jerseys and yellow pants! My youngest brother summed it up perfectly…"They're so ugly, they're glorious". It's the truth. After the game, I ordered a bunch of Wyoming gear, which should arrive in about 6 weeks via the Pony Express. Ever been to Cheyenne, WY? I have. It's in the middle of f'ing nowhere. If you don't believe me, watch the next Wyoming game on TV. There's a stadium, there's a big, flat, grassy plain, and there's a bunch of mountains. Nothing else. God bless 'em. Side note: Al Groh will be fired at the end of this season. A pathetic performance by the 'Hoos, and a pathetic decision by yours truly to bet that PoS team.

8) Tyler Donovan - "TD", a fifth year senior who was named the starter roughly 10 days before kickoff, threw for 284 yards, 3 TDs and had a rushing TD in the Badgers smoking of Washington State. Not exactly a bad showing in the kid's first game replacing departed QB John Stocco. Side note: Heading into the fourth quarter my theory that Wazzou plays everyone tough was legit with the Badgers only up 28-21. But they don't play three quarters, they play four, and my theoretical brilliance got thrown out the window. I didn't see a second of this game, but am definitely impressed by the Badgers hanging 42 on Wazzou. Yea, I know Wazzou plays Pac-10 D (aka none), but it ain't like the Badgers are known for their offensive prowess either.

7) Cody Hawkins/Kyle Bell - In what was the best game of the day, and for my money, one of the top five places to be of the day, 'Rado QB Cody Hawkins, son of 'Rado coach Dan Hawkins, and 'Rado State RB Kyle Bell put on a f'ing show. First, the game was being played at Mile High (I refuse to call it Invesco Field) with half of the stadium wearing black and gold and the other half wearing green and yellow. Literally split down the middle. No joke. Second, it was a 10:00AM kick and people were loco. The announcers said, on several occasions, that the stadium was literally rocking. And it should have been because the game didn't disappoint. Hawkins, a true freshman for the Buffs, threw for 200 yards and 2 touches while Ram RB Kyle Bell rushed 40 times (yea, 40 f'ing times) for 135 yards and a TD. It was such a good game that I postponed sucking down Dale Jr's in Charm City with the lunatic fringe so that I could watch the end of the game. Side note: Did you know that Cody Hawkins has won 60 straight starts as a QB dating back to his youth leagues? Kind of silly. This W probably ranks at the top of the list as he pointed 'Rado in the right direction, and got his Dad off the whipping post…for the time being at least.

6) Earl Bennett - 13 catches for 223 yards and 3 TDs. Numbers like this don't happen at Vanderbilt. At least not until the Duke of Earl got to campus. Homeboy be bad as F, even if the numbers were put up against Richmond. Side note: the Duke of Earl is now 35 catches away from becoming the SEC's all-time career reception leader. Again, these things don't happen when speaking about Vanderbilt football.

5) Matthew Stafford - 4-0 in his last four games against Auburn, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech and now Oklahoma State. Stafford and his Dawgs sure shut my dumb ass up in a hurry with their 35-14 pounding of the Pokes. Stafford was 18 of 24 for 234 yards and 2 touches, and basically looked like he could do no wrong. Highly impressive. What's also highly impressive? Freshman Bulldog Knowshon Moreno's 20 carries for 70 yards. Not so much the carries, or the yardage, but the fact that the kid apparently "knows Shon." Side note: So much for the Georgia D being the weak link this year, huh? Despite Coach Mark Richt using 8 first-time starters on D, them young Dawgs were all over the place holding Poke QB Bobby Reid & Co completely in check. He was sacked five times. Moral of the story…I'm a f'ing moron. This is not a good sign. It's only week one, and I'm getting hosed.

4) Cullen Harper - F'ing Cullen Harper. Who would have thunk it? The kid's never started a GD game in his life, gets the nod from Tommy "I love beating my Daddy because it makes me look like I know what I'm doing" Bowden, and performs flawlessly against the Noles defense. Needless to say, this did not make me happy. But the kid deserves a whole lot of credit for throwing for 160 yards with 2 TDs and no picks. It's not exactly like the Noles did a lot on either side of the ball to pressure on Harper, but that's not Harper's fault. Everyone in America knows that James Davis and C.J. Spiller were badasses and expected them to do badass stuff, but Harper was, and now is, the key to how successful the Tigers can be this year. If the kid keeps himself composed, watch out for Clemson. Side note: the Tigers entrance into Death Valley is priceless. Oh, and the Noles suck. An FYI for Clemson fans…don't rush the field after beating a #19 ranked team, especially if that team is FSU in a season opener. Expect to win. (More Noles lamentation to come when I can fully puke from my fingers onto paper. I don't have the energy now.)

3) DeSean Jackson - You've seen the kick return. Enough said. Am I going to apologize to Cal for saying that they "eat"? No. I'll thank them for sending the Bugs Bunny Giant back to Knoxville with a loss. It's always nice to see the Vols in dead last in the SEC East, even if its after Week 1 when everyone else in the division played cupcakes. But that's about it...I still think Cal is overrated. Side note: Yes, I'm calling Oklahoma State, aka "my boys", a cupcake after their mutt-dog performance in between the hedges.

2) Tashard Choice - Did I or did I not chirp about Tashard going ballistic on the youthful Irish defense? I believe I did. Homeboy rushed for a career-high 196 yards and two touchdowns. This was the 8th straight game Choice rushed for 100-plus yards, breaking a Rambling Wreck record. He was the clear dominating presence on the field, and would be my #1 'Smooth Since the Days of Underoos" pick if Appalachian State hadn't done the unthinkable. Side notes: this was the most lopsided season-opening loss in Irish history. In addition, the three points are the fewest scored under head coach Charlie Weis. Some offensive wizardry, huh? The big boy is overpaid, and overrated.

1) Armanti Edwads - While I'm going to give A-State's frontman the nod to get the props, the entire Mountaineer effort deserves a standing ovation. Absolutely unbelievable. All-class Armanti was 17 for 23 for 227 yards and 3 touches. Oh, and he ran for 62 yards and a touch as well. Silliness pie. 3 side notes: 1) What the hell are they doing up in Ann Arbor? For once, I agree with Mark May…the Wolverines have sicko talent (serious sicko talent) and are flat to quite flat every year. Not good if you are a UM fan. 2) Armanti is a very similar name to UM alum Amani Toomer. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm willing to bet that both names are derivations of the fashion designer Giorgio Armani. Classy. 3) I'm tired of hearing about the A-State/UM game. OK, let's move on…

A speed version of the slate this week…unfortunately work (actual work) has me pinned…

Friday, September 7

Navy at Rutgers (-17) - I grew up around the Middies, and they're my home-team. (F the Terps.) But that doesn't mean that I'm drinking the hometown Kool-Aid on this one like I did last year. The Middies 30-19 W at Temple was less than impressive. Rutgers is bigger, faster, and better. Ray Rice will rush for over 100 yards, and the Scarlet Knights will win by three touchdowns. I'll be rooting for the Mids, but I expect them to get throttled.

Saturday, September 8

Interesting, but don't touch 'em…

Miami (+11) at Oklahoma - This game should be played in the OB, no doubt about it. Hello 1988. Johnson versus Switzer. Woo-wee, what a gem (both on and off the field). Fast forward to today and we have newly appointed Cane head coach Randy Shannon leading his squad into Bob Stoops' backyard. Clearly, not the same hype as 19 years ago, but I'll take it. The game will be a "double litmus-test" to see how good both teams really are. On paper, the Sooners are a lot better, but we'll see. I do think that the Canes are better than people think. If I had any nads, I'd take the Canes and the points. But I don't. The Sooners looked too good in the opener (even the f'ing QB looked good) for me to get involved, especially with the game being in Norman and the Canes O still in "rework" mode.

Alabama at Vanderbilt (+4) - Vanderbilt is going to win this game. That's all I'm saying.

Oregon at Michigan (-7.5) - Part of me says that this line is a joke, that the Wolves are a joke, and that getting beat by a fast paced, spread O-running App-State squad means that the Wolves are going to get beat by a potentially faster, spread O-running Duck Duck Goose squad. And yes, I only address the Wolverines as the Wolves now. They have to earn back the "-rine". Part of me also says, relack, Michigan is not going to fade into the night, they're going to be silly hungry for a W, and the Ducks are walking into a "theatre of Mike Hart pain" because they gave up 315 rushing yards to Houston last week. Flip a coin on this one, I'm lost.

South Carolina at Georgia (-4) - Minimum HaHa, aka my other younger brother (the middle one), is going to be at this game and I am jealous to the n'th degree. I want the Dawgs to win so that Ha can dominate everything Athens has to offer after the game. However, I'm not sold that this is going to happen, although I am inclined to lean in the Dawgs direction because the game is in between the hedges, and UGa was lights out good last week. Also, it's not like I've ever really been sold on the Ole Ball Coach's rock-chucker, Blake Mitchell, who is always in and out of trouble. Someone needs to show that kid "The Program" and have him focus on Joe Kane. (Funny, I think I made the same "Program" reference last year about Mitchell.) All that being said, I don't think the Ole Ball Coach throws out lines like "I think we're good enough to win the SEC East" unless he means it. In other words, I think the Gamecocks are the real deal. Simply put, I'm not touching this one.

TCU at Texas (-9) - If you were one of the Texas alums who gave the nod to give Mack Brown that exorbitant contract extension, would you be…A) cool as a cucumber, B) on slight edge so as to not get a good night's sleep, C) nervous enough to have to put a few nips of bourbon in your belly every night, D) chain-smoking like rockets were your oxygen, and thirst could only be quenched by enough gin to make you dangerous on a nightly basis, or E) none of the above…because the 'Horns only beat Arkansas State by 8 points at home last weekend, and now the little step-child from the north, aka #19 TCU, comes to Austin looking to pick a fight. I think the average 'Horn fan is more than a little bit nervous about this one, and is probably a B/C. Texas alums on the other hand I think are deep in C land right now, but will throw a D on the board on Friday night. If you have to, bet the 'Horns, but hold on tight, and start drinking ASAP.

Bet 'em…

Nebraska (-9) at Wake Forest - If Wake QB Riley Skinner was 100%, I'd be antsy about this one. But he's not after separating his shoulder last week against BC, and is questionable to even get the start against the Huskers. I've been preaching Huskers from the pulpit for a while, and I'm sticking with it…I think the Huskers are for real. Huskers win and cover.

UNC at ECU (-5) - Butch Davis is going to turn UNC into a high-caliber football program. But that ain't happening this year. ECU looked very solid against V-Tech, and while folks will argue that the Hokies were emotionally exhausted (I agree), I don't think this should factor into one's takeaway about ECU's performance. Skip Holtz has done a helluva job with the Pirates. Pirates win by a touchdown.

NC State at Boston College (-14) - State lost last weekend at home to UCF. Ouch. Stud 'Pack RB Toney Baker is out for the season after injuring his knee in the loss. Double and Triple Ouch. BC might be always overrated, but they took care of a good Wake squad in Chestnut Hill last weekend. Oh, and don't forget that this is ex-BC coach Tom O'Brien's return to BC since he punked out and went south. The Eagles are going to hang a huge number on the Wolfpack.

Notre Dame at Penn State (-18) - Did anyone see what happened last weekend in South Bend? Does anyone expect a different result in Happy Valley? Penn State is as good, if not better, than Georgia Tech. I don't care that freshman star QB Jimmy Clausen is starting for the Irish. He's going to have to deal with a brutal Nittany Lion defense, as well as 107,282 screaming PSU fans. Chalk it up…an awful 0-2 start for the Irish. JoePa & Co. light the Irish up in this one.

BYU at UCLA (-7.5) - Beating Arizona by 13 in Provo is nice. But only getting 7.5 from the Bruins, who albeit started very slow out of the gates at Stanford last week, seems a little bit nutty to me. The Cougar D gave up over 200 yards of passing offense to 'Zona. What do you think UCLA QB Ben Olson is going to do to that D in the Rose Bowl? Awful, awful things. Bet the Bruins, they win big.

Virginia Tech at LSU (-11.5) - Turkeys versus Tigers in the Jungle. Tigers win 100% of the time and it's never pretty. Three things to make you want to give a lot of points to the #9-ranked team in the nation…1) Hokie QB Sean Glennon is no good. And QBs that are no good make lots of really bad mistakes when playing in the Valley of Death against the most ferocious D in the land. Period. 2) I don't know why folks think that LSU QB Matt Flynn is green. He's not. He's good. Really good. Remember the Peach Bowl two years ago when LSU throttled Miami? Ok, well Flynn was LSU's QB in that game because JaMarcus Russell was hurt. And don't forget that Flynn practices against the best D in the land everyday. Once Flynn calms his nerves from being in front of the rabid Bayou Bengal asylumee's, he'll get in gear, and the LSU O will put points on the board. 3) Not that I haven't made it clear enough yet, but Death Valley is arguably the toughest place to play in the country. In my opinion, when the Tigers are good, and they're really good this year, Tiger Stadium alone warrants LSU giving a touchdown. Give the points, the Bayou Bengals rip the Hokies.

For the record, that wasn't as "speedy" as I had initially intended, but so be it. Also, the site is back up; however, my posting ability does not start until next week. The site has some Mad Max qualities to it right now, i.e. nothing really works, but you'll be able to read newly posted columns, and that's really all that matters for the time being. Updated archives, hit-counters, T-shirt sales, etc. will all come in time.

Last Updated: September 10, 2007

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