On The Plate ... 8/30/07
For the past week or so I have been singing the Johnny Cash song "Jackson" and it's killing me softly. I watched "Walk The Line" for the 73rd time two weekends ago, and the jam has been with me ever since. I honestly can't get the damn song out of by head. "I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around, yea, I'm goin' to Jackson, watch out Jackson town." To be honest, I don't have any idea what half of the real lyrics are. I just basically mumble to myself making words up as I go. Sure, I've gotten some odd looks from some folks, some folks have pointed and laughed, and maybe a band of BMX-riding 13-year olds with Chinese symbol neck tattoos threw some bottles at me, but that's OK. I'm in this for the music. I've always been in this for the music. Accordingly, I've adopted my own rendition of "Jackson". I decided to drop "Jackson" from the song and add a particular place of interest. Sing with me…"I'm goin' to Starkville, my anxiety is wild n' out, I'm going to Starkville, Bayou Bengals in a rout." Kind of catchy, ain't it? Now, obviously, I'm not literally going to Starkville, but figuratively you bet your sweet ass I am. And I don't think I'm going out on a limb in assuming that college football nation is riding shotgun with me. The collective joy that will be shared across this country from Thursday night in Starkville to Monday night in Clemson is going to be like the high, high note that David Gilmour hits at the end of Comfortably Numb on the Pulse album. Yep, that f'ing euphoric. Is it apparent yet that I'm in serious need of some form of structure in my life besides going to work, eating, drinking and sleeping? Good. Because there's a high probability that you're right there with me. Hey College Football, good to see you again. We've been waiting. A few takes on some ridiculousness that happened over the never-ending summer… Actually, before I get into some of the absurdity, can someone please tell me when summer usurped the other seasons and took hold as "everyone's favorite season"? (Like this isn't absurd. Sweet Jesus.) Seriously though, when did summer get the official nod to be top season. Look, for a 5th grader, summer's glorious. Why? Because the kid doesn't have to go to school. Understood. But since when did 5th graders have a say in ranking the seasons? I don't know the answer to this question, but my vote is that they shouldn't. The last time I checked I was still putting in 10.5 hours everyday sitting in a GD cubicle during the summer. And when I wake up to go to work it's hot as F outside. And when I go home at night it's hot as F outside. Great! But CSG, what about going to the beach? Oh right, summer is awesome because I get one or two weeks of happiness pie at the beach where I'm gone just long enough to forget how much it sucks to sit inside all day and how f'ing hot it is in "work clothes". People wonder why I want to mysteriously fall down an open elevator shaft when I come back from vacation. In other words, wrong, summer is not awesome because of two weeks at the beach. And I don't even want to hear the baseball argument. Look, I love baseball as much as the next guy but when your team perpetually blows, guess what? Watching baseball in the summer doesn't have a lot of appeal. So no baseball arguments here. Obviously there are money aspects of summer…chicks in sundresses, chicks in skirts, chicks in tanktops, chicks in suntan lotion, Firebird T-tops, ice cold Dale Jr's (more on this SOB in a second), lemonade, BBQ, watermelon, BBQs, and flip-flops just to name a few. And believe me I love all of the aforementioned. But why are the aforementioned better than chicks in bellbottom jeans, chicks in sweatshirts, chicks in jerseys, chicks with eye-black on, Chevy Tahoes, ice cold Dale Jr's, apple cider, BBQ, nachos, BBQs and cowboy boots. Answer: they aren't. Ridiculousness… Dale Jr. is dead to me. You know what he did, so an explanation is not needed. I'm irate. 30-3…and you wonder why I'm itching for college football to start. The best stat someone emailed me about this game was the fact that the Ravens haven't given up more than 30 points in a game since November 2005. What's the best fantasy football team name I've heard of for the 2007 season? Easy…"Vick in a Box".We’ve Been Waiting
Absolutely genius. Anybody else tired of Michael Vick media coverage? Me too. Did you know that some company is making Michael Vick dog chewtoys? No joke. Read about it in SI. Kind of money. Would I be elated if the Yankees caught the Sox in late September despite the BoSox jumping out to a huge lead out of the gates this season? You bet I would. I know I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again. I loathe everything from Boston. Everything. The above statement might change. Why? Because of KG becoming a Celtic. But forget about this for now…roundball is a long way away. Oh, and the CSG actually caring about the NBA is light-years away. I have no idea why I just wrote about this. Actually, I'll tell you why. It's because I wrote the title "ridiculousness" and realized that I don't really have a lot of ridiculous xrap to write about. The summer was just that numbing. No mas…on to Week 1's picks… Thursday, August 30 LSU (-18.5) at Mississippi State - It's the first game of the season, it's under the lights, it's on ESPN, Scott Field will be packed, drunk and loud and the Bulldogs will be loco fired up to shock the college football world on day 1 of the 2007 season. Sure, I understand all of that. But someone please tell me how the Bulldogs expect to score? They won't. LSU wins, and covers, not by a landslide but by enough to let folks know that the Bayou Bengals ain't a team to be f'ed with this year. Utah (+6.5) at Oregon State - I don't know anything about this game except that it kicks off at 10:00 PM eastern time, and thus offers a way to keep the action going if the LSU/MSU game doesn't quench your thirst. That being said, I actually do know two things about this game…1) Beaver stud QB Matt Moore has graduated. Consequently, OSU coach Mike Riley said that he is giving sophomore QBs Sean Canfield and Lyle Moevao equal snaps in the opener and, 2) the Utes have experienced senior QB Brian Johnson back at the helm after he sat out last season with an injury. I'll take experience every day of the week and on Sundays in a season opener. I also generally like the Utes getting 6.5 points. Just FYI, "Every day of the week and on Sundays" might be the dumbest expression ever. Friday, August 31 Washington (-3.5) at Syracuse - Is it aggressive to take Ty and the Huskies in the Dome? Especially when Ty & Co. are giving points? Especially when it is the season opener? Yes, yes, and yes. Am I still going to do it? Yes. Why? Because it's the 'Cuse, and the 'Cuse is weak. (I'm really doing this to try to redeem my bet from last year when I went all chips in on Iowa at 'Cuse and Iowa laid an egg. Side note for all you Charm City'ers out there…the kid starting at QB for the 'Cuse this year went to Calvert Hall.) Saturday, September 1Blowouts…
Nevada at Nebraska (-21.5) - This season Sun Devil transfer QB Sam Keller is going to make or break what Bill Callahan has been trying to do in Lincoln. Keller is big, strong, good and has a rocket arm. If Keller doesn't succeed this year in Callahan's West Coast O, not only will it be a shame for Keller and Big Red Nation, but it will start the clock on Nebraska beginning to quietly look for a replacement for Billy Ball. What's my take? Keller shines, the Huskers light up folks, and the country takes notice of the return of the Huskers to the class of college football. Am I insane? Probably, but this ain't news. We'll find out for real on September 15 when the Trojans come to Memorial Stadium. In the meantime, expect Callahan to give Keller the green light to throw early and often against Nevada in order to get comfortable with the offense in a real game atmosphere. Arkansas State at Texas (-39) - So Mack Brown just signed a 10-year contract extension for roughly $1 billion. How do the 'Horns celebrate? By hanging 70 on the Indians. Too many points… Wake Forest (+6) at Boston College - I got talked into this one last night with only two points of argumentative reasoning. 1) BC is always overrated and 2) Wake is always underrated. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Six points just seems like an awful lot to be giving in a season-opening in-conference game against last year's conference champion. And even if you write off Wake's season last year as an anomaly, it still seems like a lot of points to be giving in a season-opening in-conference game with a first year head coach. New systems, new rules, new everything. Having to assimilate all of that against a painfully stodgy team like Wake makes me think that taking the points is the smart move. Washington State (+14) at Wisconsin - Wisconsin is going to be good this year. The jury in my brain is still out on whether they are going to be really good. Really good teams cover 14 point spreads against BCS conference opponents. Good teams, well…they might not. Wazzou has a tendency to play everyone tough. At least I think so. I know that Wazzou got smoked by Auburn last year in Auburn in the season opener, but that Tiger team was a bit more explosive than this Badger team. Only a bit. Look, Wisconsin is bigger, tougher and better and will win the game. I just don't think they're going to win by 2 touches. Call it a hunch. I like this game to throw into an 8-game parlay. Kansas State (+13.5) at Auburn - Speaking of good teams working towards being really good teams, reread the above but exchange Auburn for Wisconsin and Kansas State for Washington State, although know that KSU didn't get punked in their opener last year. Again, this is just too many points. Another game for the "after I hit this, I'm gonna be rich" parlay. FYI, do you all know that Kansas State has a "Harley Day" every year where the pre-game ceremony consists of 100 Harleys driving in circles around the field? I need to see this. Games to get involved in… UConn (-4) at Duke - If #53 was going to be on the field for Los Diablos De Azul in this contest, this game wouldn't be on the CSG's list. If you don't know #53, get on the wagon….word on the street is that he's known as "CCSB", aka "Charm City Santa Barbara" and that he's dominating Chapel Hill chicks left and right. Needless to say, the kid's got it. However, without him on the field, the Diablos don't have it, and haven't had it for 20 straight games. Chalk up number 21 after Saturday. The Huskies are simply a better team, although that isn't saying much. Isn't this game better suited for the third week of January 2008 inside Cameron Indoor? Virginia (-4) at Wyoming - I feel like I'm in a time warp…last year I took Washington State and the points at Auburn and got hosed…I also took UVA giving 6 at home against Wyoming and got hosed. Have I learned my lesson? Apparently not…I just advocated taking Wazzou and the points, and KSU and the points at Auburn…which means I like UVA giving four at Wyoming. Why? I'm really not so sure. Actually, I do. I think Al Groh knows he has to win and win now if he wants to keep his job. A loss, or even an unimpressive win, in the opener in Laramie won't exactly give boosters a warm happy feeling heading into the ACC schedule. Also, keep an eye on UVA sophomore QB Jameel Sewell. I think the kid could be a star. Ain't no joke. Georgia Tech (+2.5) at Notre Dame - This line can't be right. Neither can the spelling of the name of Rambling Wreck RB Tashard Choice. Funny thing is that they both are. Tashard is one of the best RBs, if not the best, in the ACC, and G-Tech is the best bet of the weekend. For the love of God, are you telling me that no one has figured out that the Irish are perpetually over-hyped? Vegas honestly believes that the Domers should be favored over a very good Yellow Jacket team? Come on. The Irish barely, BARELY, won in Hotlanta last year with Quinn, Samardzija, Abiamiri, etc. Not to mention that Tech had that peanut-brained dumb dumb Reggie Ball chucking the ball all over the place (except in Calvin Johnson's direction). Well, this year, it's going to be different. The offense that kept the Irish in games is gone, and so too is Ball. Tech's offense will be much more grounded with Tashard carrying the load. I'm telling you right now that he's going to run all over the Domers, who coincidentally have a very green defensive unit. As for the Irish, this is going to be our first look at Charlie Weis' offense without Quinn in the driver's seat. In other words, we'll all get to see how overpaid Charlie Weis is. I can't wait. Oklahoma State (+6.5) at Georgia - For some crazy reason this game had me at hello, so I actually did some research on this one. I think it is intriguing as all hell. Maybe it's because deep down I wish I went to Poke U, or maybe because I think the Dawgs are always overrated. Or maybe it's because the uniform matchup is going to be glorious. Whatever. Here are three legitimate things to think about regarding this game…1) Oklahoma State has every weapon returning from the nation's 7th -ranked scoring offense of a year ago. QB Bobby Reid is a play maker. Period. The Poke WRs are big and very fast. And starting RB Dantrell Savage, once he started getting carries, rushed for over 100 yards in five of OSU's last seven games including 100-yard performances against Texas A&M, Nebraska and Alabama. My point is that Okie State can put up points and put 'em up in a hurry. 2) Freshman phenom QB Matthew Stafford did not exactly wow audiences with his performance last year, but the kid started to put it together at the end of the season finishing with 3 W's over ranked Auburn, Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech. Impressive indeed. That being said, it's a new season and new seasons mean that the hairs are up on the back of every insane Dawg fan's neck in anticipation of Stafford being the golden child. In other words, 'Under Pressure' is Stafford's theme song until he proves he can pick up where he left off. Stafford does have the help of money RB Kregg Lumpkin and a stacked O-line to help carry the burden. The problem is that that burden might be intensified because UGa is replacing seven defensive starters. And seven starters from a D that gave up 51 points to the Vols in between the hedges last year. Gulp. When was the last time Georgia's offense had to compensate for a weak Georgia D? I honestly can't remember. This is not a good thing if you're a Dawg fan. 3) It's the season opener in Athens. In other words, you have to discount points 1 and 2 because the place is going to be f'ing electric. This means the Pokes will be a little rattled, and the Dawgs will be fired the F up. Just something to consider. Needless to say, I like the Pokes and the points. Tennessee (+6) at Cal - Saturday's marquee matchup. Unlike OSU/UGa, I didn't do any research on this one because I don't have to. Why? I know that the Vols are in the SEC, have Erik Ainge at QB, have a stable of sicko RBs, are 7 deep in murderers at every defensive position and have a quietly building anger about having fallen from the "class" of college football over the last three years. First primetime game of the season? The Vols, and that big boy with too much space between his eyes, Phil Fulmer, will be ready. But CSG, what about Cal? What about Cal. Umm, they're Cal, aka a perennially overrated team that plays in a mutt conference. And don't forget that, despite being ranked in the Top 10 every year, the Bears never manage to win a single game of importance. See Tennessee last year. See USC the last 5 years. See Arizona last year. See Texas Tech in the 2005 Holiday Bowl. See any other pseudo-important game over the last 5 years. But, hey, because they went to the Holiday Bowl and redeemed themselves against Texas A&M last year, they must be f'ing awesome this year! Especially without Marshawn Lynch in the backfield! Right? Wrong, Cal eats, and I don't give a F about the "revenge" factor from last year. Vols plus the points is a joke. Monday, September 3 Florida State at Clemson (+3.5) - On paper, this looks like a gem. In reality, it'll probably be the worst game of the weekend. I'm expecting a final score in the range of 6-5. Everyone knows that I don't bet on Noles games. And everyone knows that whenever I bet on Clemson games, I lose. That being said, take the under. There is no way in hell that these two "get ink because of the names on our jerseys" teams score over 45 points. Absolutely no way. P.S. - This column will be up on the website next week along with a new, short, weekly postmortem column with thoughts, observations, and stories of debauchery from the prior weekend as well as a column detailing my picks for next weekend. These huge columns have got to go, and I think more than one column per week is more appetizing for the reader. Yea, I know I've promised this 18 times before, but this time I've got a plan, instead of a 'not-to-do' list. In case you were wondering, the actual website is down at the moment because I haven't written anything since the Sweet 16. Apparently websites can punk you like that. I had no idea. The CSG tech support team is being choppered in as I write and should have this dilemma resolved next week at some point. But don't hold your breath. You all know how I operate…efficiency ain't in the gameplan. Until then, as Montell Jordan said, "this is how we do it."
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Last Updated: September 6, 2007