On The Plate ... 10/18/06

If That's Stink, Then I'm Wearing the Wrong Cologne

True or False? This was the quote of a highly memorable weekend in Austin. Answer: True. Elaboration: We were rapping about Foreman Grills. And when I say we, I really mean Randall and the Mayor were rapping, and I was listening. I would have been out of my element had I attempted to join the discussion. Anyway, Randall keeps his Foreman on his deck…an outdoor grill of sorts. The Mayor asked why he didn't do any grilling indoors. Randall said he didn't like the stink of cooked meat in his joint. The Mayor answered with the aforementioned. In my opinion, the boy ain't wearing the wrong cologne. Cooked meat is a good scent.

True or False? This entire column is going to be in a True or False motif. Answer: True.

True of False? I'm already tired of typing "True or False?" Answer: False. Elaboration: I'm tired of typing "Answer."

True or False? I was on the smallest plane in the American Airlines fleet on my way to Austin, my left ass cheek was numb for over half the trip because I was in a seat fit for a midget and they made me buy crackers to sustain myself. Answer: True. Elaboration: American Airlines does not get it done. In fact, I hate them.

True or False? There are a multitude of Irish bars in Austin. Answer: True. Elaboration: I never knew Austin was a pro-Irish town. In fact, upon arrival, the Mayor and I managed to find the "Home of the Notre Dame club of Austin", aka BD Riley's. The f'ing Irish are everywhere. Believe me, we had no idea this was the case when we entered. We saw TVs, open windows and beers, so we jumped. In hindsight, the joint wasn't that bad. Why? We were privy to this exchange when Randall arrived and saw that Dale Jr's and Rusty Wallace's were the drinks of choice…

Randall: "You guys aren't drinking Lone Star?!? Everyone drinks Lone Star!"
Waitress: "Can I get you something to drink?"
Randall: "Please. I'll have a Lone Star."
Waitress: "We don't have Lone Star.

True or False? The Double cheeseburger is a delicious menu item at P Terry's burger stand. Answer: True. Elaboration: After chirping at a few Dale Jr's, the boy was famished. Randall said he had a fix. A fix he had…P Terry's. The Double was so rejuvenating that I was able to win Paul Bunyon's Axe in a quick game of NCAA Football 2007 versus the Mayor. To be honest, I cheated…I used Gary Russell for the Gophers. That boy can run off-tackle for days. The problem is he got kicked off the damn team over the summer because he was academically ineligible. Luckily for me, the Mayor didn't notice that the game had him in there. I gave him some of my fries from P Terry's to make up for taking the axe from him and the kind folks in Madison.

True or False? Eating all you can eat platters of ribs, brisket and sausage at The County Line is a smart idea. Answer: False. Elaboration: The kids came to Texas and said they wanted to eat BBQ. County Line is apparently the place you go to get said BBQ. So we rolled seven deep into County Line and told those SOBs to bring meat until we couldn't eat no more. And those SOBs did. And we all felt like ass afterwards. The ribs looked like those mini baseball bats that they sometimes hand out at baseball games. In other words, they were huge. But f'ing delicious. The sausage was outstanding. I was working the piece of sausage / potato salad bit combo. Probably had 30 of these bites. Oh yea, of course they brought a vat of potato salad and a vat of cole slaw with the meat. Unfortunately the brisket, which everyone was fired up the most to grub on, caused a bit of chaos. The brisket was dry. Word on the street has it that if you go through 6 or so platters of meat, they start bringing out the fattier, wetter brisket…which is apparently a good thing. Well, we dominated platter after platter and still dry brisket kept coming from the kitchen. For a moment, I thought Top and Randall (both County Line veterans) were going to strangle our Australian waiter. (FYI, we commonly referred to the waiter as "that f'ing kraut waiter." Again, he was Australian.) And of course, we were drinking pitchers of beer with the meal. Simply put, we're idiots. I seriously considered taking myself to the ER because I thought something was going to rupture. Maybe a pancreas, maybe my stomach, maybe my heart. I don't know. All I know is that I've never been that full in my entire life.

True or False? Westlake High School has a bigger stadium than Vanderbilt. Answer: False. Elaboration: But it's close. After gorging ourselves with cow product, we hit the road to find a watering hole. Not that drinking was going to help the near-vomit state I was in. On the way to these watering holes, we noticed Westlake's Friday Night Lights in the not too far distance and decided to swing through to get a glimpse. It was the biggest high school venue I've ever seen. I mean it was a legitimate stadium. It had a huge jumbotron. It had play clocks in the endzones. And it was packed. Friday Night Lights…no joke. We got there with a minute or so left in the first half. Score? Westlake: 56, Anderson: 0. Ouch. The 2006 Westlake Chaps were making Drew Brees proud. (Brees QB'ed at Westlake back in the day.) As we were walking back to our car, the Chaps were hooting and hollering as they headed into the locker room. One of the kids said "Man, this is fuuuunnnnn!" All we could do was laugh. Why? Because we pictured the Westlake head coach in the locker room saying something like, "Ya'll think this is fun, dontcha? Dontcha?!? Well, this spit ain't fun. Wipe them smiles off your faces. This is a GD disgrace. You boys should be beating these queers by 80 points. 56 points? Fifty-f'ing-six points? Piss! I want you to get out there in the second half and kill, I mean KILL, these so-called "football players" from Anderson. They don't even deserve to be on the same field as you. If we don't win by 150 points, ya'll gonna see hell. HELL, come Monday. Now get out there and make Westlake High School proud! Go! Go! Go!"

True or False? Outdoor deck drinking is totally awesome. Answer: True. Elaboration: Austin is chock full of nuts full of joints that are basically decks with bars in the middle of them. And they're glorious. No more elaboration is needed.

True or False? Eating tacos for breakfast is a good idea. Answer: True. Elaboration: When the tacos are breakfast tacos from Maria's Taco Xpress, it's a brilliant idea. I opted for three tacos…1) the conservative play: bacon, egg and cheese taco, 2) the hometown play: the migas with cheese taco and 3) the off the reservation play: potato, ham and cheese taco. The conservative taco was conservatively delicious. The hometown taco was amazing. "Migas" is my new favorite word by the way. I'm not sure what it means, but a migas taco is basically an omelet in a taco. But my favorite taco was the off the reservation play. Potato, ham, cheese…throw in some hot sauce…put them bitches all together on a taco…and money is the word of the day.

True or False? Drinking camouflage Sterling Marlins at Shultz's patio for 'Horns pregame is money. Answer: True. Elaboration: Shultz's is a little slice of pregame heaven. In fact, I'd say it rivals any bar I've ever been to for sheer wild pregame atmosphere. For one, the joint is huge - both indoor and outdoor bars, seating, etc. For two, the joint was packed to the gills. For three, everyone - young, old, you name it - was devastating gigantic beers. Add 1, 2, and 3 up and you get a pretty insane time. Highlights from Shultz's…1) They serve camouflage Marlins. I mean we couldn't see the GD beers. They were camouflaged. 2) They serve sausage on a stick. Yea, you read that correctly. This was no simple sausage either. This was a f'ing footlong sausage on a GD stick. In other words, sausage got grilled and then got gutted by wooden sticks. That's it…sausage on a stick. According to the Mayor, it's "the best GD sausage" he's ever had. And that boy knows sausage. The fact that it was on a stick was brilliant. In case you didn't notice, I'm fascinated by the idea of sausage on a stick. Sausage on a stick, man…what the F will they think of next? 3) Most folks had their "burnt" on. "Burnt" is what UT folks call their orange Texas t-shirts. For example, we were told…"Ya'll better get yer burnt on. Kickoff's in an hour." OK, sounds great…what? 4) My new boy Mattie 3000, who swung down from the Big Apple for his first taste of big-time college football, ate like eating was going out of style. That, or the kid has an eating disorder. I swear to God that kid had 4 cheeseburgers, 2 chopped beef sandwiches, and a few bites of sausage on a stick. And the boy was eyeing the nachos as we rolled out of Shultz's en route to the stadium. Beyond impressive, kind of sickening, highly enjoyable effort. 5) There were an array of UT femininas in the joint. The average attire on said femininas was as follows…cowboy boots, jean skirt, Texas t-shirt. Boom.

True or False? Daryl K. Royal Stadium is bigger than Jordan-Hare Stadium. Answer: True. Elaboration: Bigger it is, better it ain't. The DKR, as the locals call it, can hold 89,000-plus at full tilt. Its official stadium capacity is 85,123, but we were privy to a crowd of 88,966, about 1,500 more folks than I saw in Auburn. However, that's about all the DKR has on Jordan-Hare. The DKR is way too wide open. There is too much space between the goal posts and the first row of fans, kind of like it was an Olympic stadium. You know how those Olympic fields are big ovals? Well, the DKR resembles this, except it doesn't have a track around the field. This is a problem because, as Randall pointed out, the place can never hold the crowd noise. In other words, the DKR is never as loud as it could be. However, I really don't think it would be a tough fix for UT to make it Neyland-esque. Step 1: move the South endzone seating closer to the field. Step 2: Build up the seating in the South endzone. When I say build up, I mean build a f'ing wall of seats. Basically, make the stadium a big-ass horseshoe. There's room at the DKR to do this. And if they did, all of the above would be a moot point because the place would be gigantic, tight and loud as all get out. (To the DKR's credit, the High-Def Godzilla-tron in the North endzone is absolutely mesmerizing.)

True or False? People were nervous after Baylor jumped out to a 10-0 lead. Answer: False. Elaboration: Baylor's first play from scrimmage was awesome. A great play-action bomb for 7. And no one in the DKR blinked. Dudes thought "Nice play, Baylor." Chicks thought "What just happened and should I care?" Everyone thought "We'll still win by 40." And they weren't that wrong. The 'Horns won by 32.

True or False? Texas has awesome cheers. Answer: False. Elaboration: My second favorite quote of the weekend came from Croak who, three minutes into the game, turned to me and said, "We're surrounded by 89,000 retards right now." He wasn't lying. Texas cheers mainly consist of two words: Texas and Fight. It goes something like this…T-E-X-A-S. Texas. Fight. Texas. Fight. Fight. Texas. Fight. Texas. Texas. Texas. Fight. Fight. Fight. Texas. Fight. Texas. Fight. Texas. It's numbing. And of course, every fool in the stadium has their 'Horns up, aka making horns with their fingers. Did I mention Texas, Fight, Texas, Texas, Fight, Fight, Texas, Fight, Texas, Texas, Texas? To make matters worse, after yelling Texas and Fight 2 trillion times, 89,000 classy Texans cheer… "Give 'em hell, give 'em hell, make 'em eat sh*t." Real nice. No wonder these mutts never won anything over the past 35 years. When you have classless cheers like this, you shouldn't win anything. They should make a GD bronze statue of Vince Young as tall as the UT tower. Because with out VY, the Longhorns would simply be a football team telling people to "eat sh*t" with nothing to show for it. I'm so pissed they beat USC last year.

True of False? Colt McCoy is a good quarterback, the Texas offensive coordinator is smart and Texas is a good team. Answer: False, false and false. Elaboration: Colt McCoy is average at best. I know he's a freshman, but the pedestal he's on is a bit high. Colt has a weak arm, doesn't go thru his progressions and forces a lot of bad balls. Luckily for him, he has nothing but sick athletes around him to help mask his inefficiencies. Unfortunately, these sick athletes only get the ball when Colt throws a lame duck because the UT offensive coordinator thinks that running a screen pass on every down is good way to win. Maybe against Baylor it is. Against a real team, it ain't. The 'Horn WR trio of Limas Sweed, Billy Pittman and Quan Cosby is nasty. They're big, fast and catch everything. For example, see the first TD that the 'Horns scored against Baylor. Colt threw what can only be described as a wobbling cow pattie into the back of the endzone after being flushed out of the pocket. Billy Pittman basically jumped over a defensive back and made the catch for 7. Of course, the dumb dumbs sitting around us praised Colt. In all honesty, Colt should have had his arm cut off after making that throw. Pittman made the play. The WRs always make the play. And yet, they see the ball every other lunar eclipse. If I was the UT offensive coordinator, I'd throw a slant or a fade to Limas on every down. It'd be unstoppable. And when the opponent started doubling Limas up, I'd throw the same GD thing on the other side to Billy. Texas would score 200 points a game. I'm convinced of it. But this will never happen. And so, Texas will look good on paper and be highly ranked because they are Texas. But they'll never fully utilize the gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs of talent they have on that team. I hate Texas. I should love Mack Brown. Why? Because that dumb dumb is the only thing keeping UT from playing for all the money year in and year out.

True or False? After the game at the Tavern, a crazy woman in a Florida T-shirt got in Randall's grill for cheering for Auburn. Answer: True. Elaboration: We bolted early from the 'Horns game because UT was up 28-10, we were hungry, we were thirsty and we wanted to watch Auburn/UF, Penn State/Michigan, and Mets/Cardinals. Fair enough, I'd say. So, we rolled to a joint called the Tavern where the Marlins were cold, TVs were plentiful and cheeseburgers were served on Sweet Kolachi buns. (FYI, I had no idea what I was getting into with the Kolachi bun, but it was a winner.) Anyway, the place was jam-packed, but because of our charm and extremely chiseled physiques were able to score a table very close to the bar, and thus 6 TVs. As one might expect, we had done some drinking, so we were a bit jovial/loose/whatever. (See Shultz's.) And as everyone knows, the Auburn/UF game was amazing. Well, in that I had just ventured from the Plains to the Third Coast, aka Austin, I was a bit fired up for the War Eagle to beat the Gators. It also helps that I hate the Gators. It also helps that everyone (or at least so we thought) was rooting for the Gators to lose because it would help out the 'Horns. The point is I was a bit loco. Loco enough to do "the War Eagle" dance (whatever the F that is) after Leak fumbled deep in Auburn territory in the 4th quarter. (For the record, that was GD fumble. Every media donkey on the planet keeps chirping that the Gators got home-jobbed. Wrong. Fumble.) While I was War Eagle dancing, Randall, who was calmly seated at our table enjoying a refreshing beverage, let out a "Let's go Auburn!" Apparently, that was a bad move. A woman, who was sitting at the bar, swiveled in her chair to reveal a Florida t-shirt and gave Randall the look of death for an awkward 7 seconds. After killing him with her eyes, she swiveled back to the TV and let out a shrieking "Let's go Gators!" She was pissed. I mean pissed. She swiveled back around a few minutes later, looked at Randall and proclaimed "At least we play good teams! We don't lose to Arkansas!" Randall calmly informed her that Florida and Auburn were in the same conference, but that she was right…the Gators rule the world. Look, we hadn't been rude, we hadn't said a word to her, and everyone in the joint loved us…hell, we didn't even know she was a UF fan. For God's sake, Randall was wearing a UT jersey. We were just yucking it up with the rest of the jackasses in the bar rooting Auburn home. After giggling to ourselves following the stare, Randall says to me…"Why the F did she get in my grill? You're the GD jackass dancing around like a bird!" This is true. I have no idea why I got a pass.

True or False? Seeing the Spazmatics at Cedar Street is an experience. Answer: True. Elaboration: If the Spazmatics had played "Love is a Battlefield," this single handedly would have been the greatest day of my life. Unfortunately, they didn't. But the day probably still squeezes in the Top 7 days ever. The more I think about it, the more the day climbs the rankings. After getting yelled at, we figured it was time to make a move to some more upbeat venues. Hello, Cedar Street. Cedar Street is basically a big-ass outside courtyard 20 steps or so below street level set up for live music. It's very cool and was very crowded. A hometown favorite, the Spazmatics, were playing. The Spazmatics, I quickly came to learn, are an 80s cover band. And they f'ing rocked. I've never danced harder to The Clash jam 'Rock the Casbah'. In fact, I don't know if I've ever danced to Rock the Casbah. The beauty of it was that everyone in the joint was dancing the piss out of the Casbah and every other jam for that matter. Just a totally fun scene. Maybe that had something to do with…

True or False? Drinking 10 gallons of Red Bull and Gin is a good idea. Answer: False. Elaboration: Cedar Street had Red Bull. We were a little groggy when we got to Cedar Street. So we drank Red Bull-laden cocktails. I opted for Red Bull and gin. Folks, it's like drinking gasoline. I only recommend it for the most sophisticated of palates. However, once one goes down, let the faucet run because they just get more delicious the deeper you go into the night. I would warn you, though, that the level of mental impairment and internal damage done from consuming such a substance is beyond the boundaries of medicine in this day and age. The proof is in the three general feelings you have the next day: 1) Awfulness 2) Pain 3) Awful pain. Word to the wise…if you're going to jump in the Red Bull and gin waters, get out early. Them waters get you good.

True or False? The Hampton Inn in Austin is the greatest hotel in America. Answer: True. Elaboration: Let's just say I considered buying a timeshare at this joint. Hampton Inns are unstoppable. The free Internet service allowed the Mayor and I to dominate some Slate action without paying the extra "hotel juice." And I don't know where those folks at Hampton Inn get their GD pillows, but I need to know. If anyone knows anything about Hampton Inn pillows, call me immediately. I'm a buyer in size. I really was ecstatic about the Hampton Inn. In fact, I should be a f'ing spokesman for Hampton Inn. Our new slogan…"Hampton Inn…God's hotel."

True or False? I will be visiting Austin in February for a 'Horns hoops game, eating Maria's tacos, smuggling sausage on a stick back to the Mid-Atlantic, dancing to the Spazmatics and sleeping soundly in the Hampton Inn. Answer: Obviously. Now who wants in?

Coming tomorrow…actual football talk and the picks from the Slate…