On The Plate ... 10/13/06

"Man, We Can't Stop Them Dang Hogs"

That, folks, pretty much summed it all up. A bewildered older gentleman sitting behind us in the stadium, who was decked out in an Auburn golf shirt and camouflage Auburn hat, offered these simple words halfway through the third quarter. And he couldn't have been more on point…the mighty Tigers could not stop them dang Hogs. Plain and simple. And because of it, guess who isn't going to be invited to anymore Auburn games? Yep, this kid. Why? Because this was the first home loss for the Tigers since 2003. Because this was the first loss my buddy, Tag, had witnessed among a multitude of trips back to Auburn over the last several years. And because this was my first trip down to the Loveliest Village on the Plains. For God's sake, the CSG's special ladyfriend had even made the trip before and came back to the Mid-Atlantic with a W. No kiss of death there. This year, we both go down and now I'm on the Auburn faithful's most wanted list. It really is a GD shame too, because I had a blast down on those Plains, War Eagle W or not. The trip was pretty much a religious experience. You have to realize that this was my first trip to a serious SEC venue (Vanderbilt didn't count when I was there). This was the kind of college football trip I'd been dying to make since going to those two gems at the OB in Miami several years ago. But in many regards this was a very different trip from those Miami jaunts. Seeing the Canes at the OB is an experience. Big city, big lights, big flash. Seeing a sleepy little town come alive for a big-time football game in Alabama is a whole different experience. There's not a lot of neon in Auburn, AL. In fact, there's not a lot of anything in Auburn, AL. There Toomer's Corner, there's the University and there's Jordan-Hare Stadium. And yet, on a Saturday afternoon when the War Eagle plays a home game, the town is flooded with folks from all over the state, and all over the south for that matter. Young and old come together, put on their orange and get nutty about some Auburn Tigers football. For three hours, Jordan-Hare Stadium becomes the fifth largest city in Alabama. That's the truth. And that's pretty f'ing awesome in my opinion. (For the record, I'm pissed I didn't get to witness the students rolling Toomer's Corner. It's one of those local traditions that you'd like to be able to catch when you're in a place like Auburn, AL. Another time I guess…I'll just have to shave my head and work on a serious tan in order to get back into Lee County. For those not in the know, "rolling Toomer's Corner" happens after an Auburn home W. Toomer's Corner is the main intersection at Magnolia and College Streets, aka the entrance to the university where there are bars, restaurants, and Toomer's Drugs, which has been in Auburn, AL for over 150 years. Anyway, after a W, the kids hit the streets at Toomer's Corner and toilet paper the oak trees along the intersection. Ridiculous? Sure. Would I have liked to see it? Absolutely GD right.) Answers to the Top Five questions I received upon my return…

1. What was Auburn like? Of all the questions, this is easily my favorite one. Why? Because people asked me with very serious, almost concerned, looks on their faces. It was like they were thinking "Thank God, he made it" or "I can't imagine what that place did to him" or "I hope he doesn't have rabies." For God's sake, you'd think I went to Tanzania for the weekend. How were the natives? Were you able to communicate with them? Hilarious stuff. Anyway, what was Auburn like? Auburn is a small, southern town with a big university in it. There is one main street with a few bars/restaurants on it. I'm pretty sure I entered every establishment on this main street and either sampled their finest Dale Jr or their finest bourbon. (Yea, Jr's are back in the mix.) As one might expect, the people couldn't have been any nicer. Lots of "How ya'll doing?" being spread around. Coming in second behind "How ya'll doing," the most popular question on Friday night and Saturday morning was "Ya'll ready for the game?" You see, these folks love themselves some Auburn football. I mean love it. How much? There are 3 shops in a 15 shop town that only sell Auburn gear. That's right…T-shirts, jerseys, helmets, whistles, baby strollers, Auburn flavored produce, etc. You name it, they got it, as long as it's Auburn. And guess what? All of them were packed on Friday night and Saturday morning. I asked Tag if everyone buys a new T-shirt for every home game. Answer: affirmative. So I bought two. When in Rome, right?
2. How was Jordan-Hare Stadium? 1) Huge. Kind of makes sense considering the joint holds 87,541. From the outside, the place looks like a GD gladiator coliseum. Not a lot of flash, just a lot of big. And the procession to the stadium is intense. (No, I didn't get to see the Tiger Walk…we would have had to be standing in line at 8:00am…in other words, no chance that I was making that happen). Anyway, the easiest way to get to Jordan-Hare is walking through campus. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is wearing orange. And everyone is pretty serious. In fact, it's actually a bit intimidating. Kind of like I was going into church. Pretty money…I think. 2) Immaculate. It's honestly the cleanest stadium I've ever been in. I swear to God they buff the concrete. I mean everything had a gleam. The field was absolutely perfect. I don't know if Jordan-Hare has a special "thing" like Athens has the hedges, but in my opinion, the best attribute of field are the four flower beds above each corner of the endzones. Two of the flower beds spell out AU, one says Tigers and one says War Eagle. Solid to quite solid. 3) Goosebump worthy. Without a doubt, the pinnacle of the Jordan-Hare experience is the pre-game ritual. It's absolutely unbelievable. In fact, the pre-game is so revered that it has its own countdown. No joke. I thought the clock counting down on the scoreboard was for the kickoff. Wrong, it was for the pre-game. And for those folks that aren't in the stadium yet, the stadium announcer continuously gives updates, as in, "To the Auburn fans still outside the stadium, we have 7 minutes to pre-game festivities." Very serious stuff. And rightfully so. Here's the sequence of events…the War Eagle is released from the top corner of the stadium, circles above the crowd 7 or 8 times while everyone chants "Waaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr" and then swoops down and lands at the 50-yard line. Upon the landing, the stadium explodes "EAGLE! HEY!" I was numb after watching this. It was f'ing awesome. Lady CSG looked at me with a puzzled expression and asked me if I felt OK. I honestly think I was having an out of body experience. Right after the War Eagle does his thing, the montage on the big screen starts. And let me tell you something…if there is one thing those folks down at Auburn do right, it is putting together a spectacular montage. "This is Auburn. This is tradition. This is family." Another out of body experience, and I'm not even an Auburn person. Granted I've always been a sucker for a solid montage. But either way, it was glorious. Then, the tunnel fills with smoke and Tommy Tuberville and his boys walk out on the field hand-in-hand through the Auburn band as the fight song plays. Yea, walk out. Yea, hand in hand. Needless to say, by the time this happens, the place is in an absolute GD frenzy. I mean loco. As for me, the emotion had me at the flight of that bird…I was high-fiving every man, woman and child in my general vicinity yelling "War Eagle" back and forth with them.
3. What did you eat? When my plane landed in Atlanta, I made the claim that I was only eating barbeque for the rest of the weekend. An hour later I was eating three KFC Snackers in a Pontiac Grand Prix barreling down I-85 towards the Plains. If you aren't on KFC Snackers, get on them asap. Them things be right. In all honesty, I didn't expect to only eat BBQ while in Auburn. I'll tell you what I also didn't expect. I didn't expect to be eating sushi seven hours after arriving in Alabama. Say what? Yep, sushi in Auburn, AL. Don't shake your head at me. Why was I eating sushi? Easy. We were intoxicated, we were hungry, there aren't a lot of places in Auburn and the sushi joint had the shortest line. There it go. And guess what? The sushi was money. However, that didn't stop me from destroying a Pepe sub from Jimmy John's at 1 in the morning. I forgot how tasty Jimmy John's subs were, especially when you're bombed. On Saturday, because the game kicked off at 11am, we didn't exactly have a lot of time to get knee deep in an old-fashioned southern breakfast. After the game, however, I got learned, southern style. Where? A joint called Momma Goldbergs. (Doesn't exactly sound like a joint you'd find in Auburn, does it?) After we snagged some tables at Momma G's, Tag snagged some orders of nachos. You know how they do nachos at Momma's? Cheese Doritos with melted pepperjack cheese on top. How do they melt the cheese? In the steamer…so the chips aren't crunchy. Obviously. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Wrong, delicious. Well, delicious might be a bit of a stretch, but we were sitting outside in perfect weather drinking cold beverages while watching the LSU at Florida game. In other words, I would have eaten pretty much any nacho derivative and been happy. After several hours of kicking it at Momma's, we decided that it was time to get our barbecue on. I was sunburned, talking nonsense and needing some pig in my system to energize for the Dawgs/Vols game. Yes, pig gives me energy. Just another fun fact about the CSG. Anyway, luckily for us, pig was served around the corner from our money ding ding Days Inn at Pride's Barbeque House. (FYI, you know you're in a money ding ding Days Inn when the Days Inn has a refrigerator in your bathroom.) Pride's makes an illified chipped pork platters. (Chipped, not chopped…this is not a typo.) I actually told the dude behind the counter that his chipped pork was "illified". He proceeded to hit me over the head with a blunt object. Well done, Pride's, well done.
4. Were the Auburn girls money? Indeed, very much so. There's something about femininas decked out in football gear that gets me good. By gear, I simply mean T-shirts, or jerseys. Oh, and eye black. Femininas in eye black are unstoppable. It also didn't hurt hearing heavily accented "Come on Tigers!" and "Let's go, War Eagle!" OK, to review…Auburn girls are money, especially the ones wearing jerseys, eye black and rocking a deep southern accent. In other words, the holy trinity.
5. How did folks handle the loss? "Well, this is the worst GD Saturday I can remember in a long time. And now I'm gonna drive two hours to Talladega. I guess I'm excited about that. But then that SOB Jeff Gordan is gonna win the GD race and this will end up being the worst f'ing weekend of my life." This was the quote of the weekend. I was lucky enough to overhear it while standing in line at Momma G's. Who said it? A 45-year old female Auburn fan. Any more questions on how the folks handled the loss? It was like someone had died.

As I head to Austin, TX this weekend, it's only fitting that the biggest game on Saturday is back at Jordan-Hare as the #2 Gators swing through the Plains. I'm willing to bet that the air of sadness that loomed over the town after the Hogs upset will be long gone come Gameday. Folks from all over will descend upon that little town, buy a new T-shirt and make the fifth largest city in Alabama as loud as ever when the War Eagle takes flight.