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On The Plate ... 9/28/06

25 to 6 or 4

Clever, huh? I thought so. You know, Chicago and all. Right? Right. (For those of you not in the loop, you probably aren't aware that I was in Chicago this past weekend. If you are still scratching your head, you probably have never heard the song "25 to 6 or 4" by Chicago. If you don't know the band Chicago, well then, just give up now. It's a shame. It really is.) What in sweet hell does the lyric "25 to 6 or 4" mean? I did a little bit of research and found a slew of different opinions ranging from it being a drug reference to meaning "25 or 26 minutes to 4 o'clock." I don't know. What I do know is that it's a helluva jam. I also know that I'm going to use these lyrics as a backbone to this column…25 ruminations from a weekend in the capital of the Midwest, 6 conference breakdowns a third of the way through the season, and a look at the only 4 games worth a damn this Saturday. So, in the words of Hyman Roth…"I want you all to enjoy my cake, so uh... enjoy"…

Quickly…did anyone watch the Southern Miss at Central Florida game on Tuesday night? I did, obviously. Did you catch that the USM kicker's name was Britt Barefoot? Yes, Britt Barefoot, the kicker of the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles…doesn't get any more perfect than that. How about those gold jerseys with white numbers on George O'Leary's Golden Knights? Solid, right? Not bad, but the Knights need to lose the white stripe on the shoulders to reach higher ground. How about O'Leary? He's flipped UCF from perennial mutt to a legitimate squad. OK, so the man lied on his resume when he was trying to snag the Notre Dame gig. That doesn't mean the boy can't coach. It just means he's a liar. And when it all boils down to it, what coach isn't? How about the Rece Davis, Lou Holtz, Mark May combo in the booth? Davis played the genius - he acted like every f'ing play in the "Battle of the Goldens" was going to make or break the national championship. Holtz played the drunk - he sounded absolutely bombed. The man is old, give him a break. And as for May, he played the same pain in the ass that he always is. Period.

OK, enough chatter about that. Let's get up in that Windy City junk…

25 sights, sounds, tastes, touches and smells from a soaked jaunt to the City of Broad Shoulders…

  1. Word to the wise…never expect to be on time when flying from DCA (Reagan National) to O'Hare. I mean never. My trip started with me sitting in DCA for an extra hour and a half watching a thick college girl, who was way too scantily clad for her, and my, own good, cry on the phone while repeatedly saying "I feel so bad." I don't know what she felt bad about. Sure, I felt bad for her, but I also felt bad about sitting in that GD seat in DCA while it was glorious outside. Apparently the weather in Chi-town was a bit aggressive, so the flight patterns were all jammed up. Air traffic controller…talk about a gig I have no interest in getting involved in. My lack of interest in this regard is probably a very good thing for everyone involved. Anyway, all in all getting to Chicago was a pain in the ding ding. On a bright note though, my flight, once I finally got on, was chock full of fire fighters from Upper Marlboro, MD. At least I think they were from Upper Marlboro. I tried to decipher their hometown based on the pitch and length of their "Maryland long-O accents." For a moment, I considered rolling with them for a Backdraft-revival weekend. But I didn't.
  2. In hindsight, kicking it with some firefighters might have been a wise idea considering about an hour after I landed a tornado almost touched down on Moonlight Graham's street. I'm out on the porch and all of a sudden I'm getting blown over by a gust of wind along with the plants, chairs and tables. Pretty nutty. Kind of fun. Bob, the next door neighbor, was on his porch hollering about a tornado forming down the street. Bob's been in Chicago forever, used to be a cop and knows the spit out of some tornados. Well, much to our chagrin, or probably benefit, a 'nado never formed, but it was money hearing Bob say "cone" over and over in his heavy Chicago accent. (For the record, Moonlight Graham is a fresh nickname for my homeboy in Chicago. Why Moonlight? Because the boy has an unbelievable mustache and crushes beverages like an old man. Thus, Moonlight Graham…it just makes sense.) "Oh, see there, there's the cone! Ya see the cone forming? Ya know, the cone!"
  3. I don't know why I never realized this before but Modelo Especial is a delicious beverage. Sure, it's a cheap Mexican beer, but even cheap Mexican beer can be delicious, especially during/after a tornado.
  4. If you ever catch yourself in Logan Square, do yourself a favor and get at Smallbar. Them kids serve some delicious menu items. Top picks are simple pleasures: grilled cheese on sourdough with tomato and bacon and a side of fried mushrooms. Accompany these gems with a 22oz Fat Tire and your order is strong to quite strong. Oh, I also recommend the bourbon. It's pretty good. And don't forget to get nutty on the jukebox…one of the best I've ever seen…Jane's Addiction into Johnny Cash into Flaming Lips into Grateful Dead into Talking Heads and so on and so on.
  5. A quick lesson for anybody that wants one…if you're up at 4:00am and your buddy puts on an Ozark Mountain Daredevils vinyl, listen to it. Just believe me. It's absolutely shockingly brilliant. I don't know who the Ozark Mountain Daredevils are, when they were popular or what their scene is, but those cats sound good…especially at 4:00am. Did I mention the bourbon at Smallbar is quite enjoyable?
  6. Saturday, aka Musky Fest, started with a thud. 1) Heads were pounding from the "hey man, let's take it easy on Friday night so we motivate early to get a table at Will's for the game" night before. Riiight. I was blind with brain pain. 2) It was monsooning outside. Thankfully, Mrs. Moonlight saw that Moonlight and I were not capable of creating a rational thought, were struggling to comprehend the factor the rain might have on the day, and in need of some serious medicinal help. So she cooked us up some cheesy eggs, hash browns and biscuits, which was on point. So on point that it put me to sleep. After a short nap, a break in the monsoon and Michigan taking a commanding lead in the fourth quarter of the game, we decided to call a cab and head to Will's to get in the hypothetical monsoon before the literal monsoon started again. For the record, Badgers fans weren't too broken up about the loss. No, they were just drunk ass donkeys who expected to lose the game. It was Musky Fest, after all, and the fun was in full effect.
  7. Nice win by Michigan, but nothing to write home about. In fact, the Wolverines better be up on their game when they visit the Gophers in the Dome this Saturday. More on this later.
  8. I just realized that writing 25 different tidbits about a weekend trip is like writing a f'ing book. Or a diary. And I don't know if this is a good thing. But I'm not stopping.
  9. In retrospect, the best noon game was not Wisconsin at Michigan. It was Colorado at Georgia, of which I only saw minimal highlightage via ESPN. 2 things on this game…1) What a kick in the junk for the Buffs. Team Haskins is on the verge of their first W in eight games at a place where no one thought they'd even have a chance and the Dawgs snap victory from them in the last minute. There's some sore junk in Boulder these days. 2) Georgia is officially no good.
  10. At Musky Fest, three things are certain…1) You'll find a newfound ability to devastate cold beers at an extremely rapid pace…2) You'll be accosted by 20 different femaninas running for Musky Queen asking for your vote…3) You'll meet a lot of people who will not remember you the next day.
  11. As for crushing cold beers, there are several factors at work. 1) There is an abundance of flowing Leinenkugel's kegs - both inside and out. You really can't go anywhere without getting a beer. 2) The general atmosphere is so euphoric that you just want to keep crushing beers. 3) Everyone at Musky Fest is bombed so you might as well dominate some beers.
  12. As for the Musky Queen hustle, well, that's exactly what it is. Contestants donning all kinds of ridiculous gear prod, poke, wink, and weasel their way into getting your vote, and more importantly the tickets you receive after buying a drink. You see, tickets count as votes, so anyone near the bar, a keg or a beer truck gets hustled. And frankly, it's quite enjoyable.
  13. As for meeting lots of folks that won't remember you in the morning, here is a prime example: Moonlight's mustache was in full effect. I mean glorious. Anyway, a kid decked out in a Wisconsin t-shirt and a Will's Northwoods Inn wool hunting hat (yes, I bought one), who is off his rocker, comes up to us, sees Moonlight's 'stache, says "Hold on, man. Hold on one second!" and runs away. 10 seconds later he comes back with two more drunken buffoons with stupid grins on their face and says, "Look at that! I mean just f'ing look at that!" And he and his two hetarded friends proceeded to stare at Moonlight's 'stache for an awkward 2 minutes.
  14. I had loot on the Buckeyes to cover 17.5 points at home versus Penn State. I figured Will's would have the game on but didn't expect many Musky Fest folks to be too intrigued. Man, was I wrong. There were a lot of folks in Badger red with cheese on the Buckeyes. With Ohio State only up 7-3 at the start of the fourth quarter, the air had a mixed feeling of "Goddamn, not only do I hate the Buckeyes but they are f'ing me on this bet" and "Goddamn, I hate the Buckeyes, F the bet, let's go Nittany Lions". And these emotions see-sawed for the rest of the game. After the Buckeyes scored to make it 14-3, feeling #1 took over. When Penn State cut it to an 8-point lead, feeling #2 took over. Needless to say, over the course of the last three minutes, a new feeling made its presence known…"Goddamn, I hate the Buckeyes, but they might cover/they just f'ing covered!" I couldn't believe it. Two interceptions returned for TDs in the last three minutes of the game to cover. When the hell has that happened? Has that ever happened? It was a reason to rejoice except…
  15. I had the Buckeyes wheeled with Arkansas. And while the Hogs 24-23 2OT win over the Tide may have saved Houston Nutt's job, it didn't get me paid. I had the Piggies giving 3.5 points. Congrats to Nutt, but he didn't deserve to win this game. In case you missed it, the poor kid kicking for 'Bama missed 3 FGs, including one in the first OT that would have won the game as well as the extra point on the Tide's TD in 2OT. That kid, ladies and gentlemen, will never be allowed in the state of Alabama again.
  16. By the time the Irish/Spartans game started, conditions had turned for the worse, both inside and outside. The weather had gotten sloppier and the kids had gotten sloppier. Fittingly, the Irish started the game sloppy. So I decided to get sloppy. Hello, Maker's Mark, my old friend. Starting in a 17-0 hole isn't especially enjoyable when you're giving 3 points. Nope, not at all. It also didn't help that at this point in the evening every person in the bar had turned into huge Michigan State fans. So not only was I getting killed, I was hearing about it. Not good times.
  17. At halftime, my experience at Musky Fest 2006 ended. With the Irish down 31-14, I needed some oxygen, some food and some new blood. So we bolted. Here's to Musky Fest '06. It was a gem. And yes, I'll be back next year.
  18. So where does one go in Chicago after a day of drinking and absurdity? Penny's, obviously. Sounds like a glorious diner, doesn't it? It does, and that's where I thought Moonlight was taking me. Wrong. Penny's is a GD Thai restaurant. A Thai joint called Penny's? Just plain silly. Anyway, I ate some kind of peanut flavored slop. Was I happy? No. Was I hungry anymore? No. All in all, an OK trade. For the record, I hate Thai food. Every dish either has the "extra spicy" pepper symbol next to it that means the dish tastes like gasoline, or it doesn't, meaning the dish tastes like peanuts. Thai food…gasoline or peanuts. I'll pass.
  19. After Penny's, the night gets a little hazy. Not because I was too banged up, but because Penny apparently puts lithium in her special #19. This is not to say that I wasn't a bit winded from beverage consumption, because I was, but after Penny got done with me I can't say I was feeling especially engaged. I was so disengaged that I completely forgot the Irish game was on. But Moonlight was on point, not because of the game, but because he knew of some kids having a birthday party around the corner. And that place around the corner with the birthday party - I have no idea what it was called - had TVs. And I caught the fourth quarter of the Irish game. And it was f'ing ballistic. Apparently I walked into Notre Dame West because folks were out of their heads wild about the game. And rightfully so. It was pretty damn unbelievable. See # 5.
  20. I'm pretty sure that eating chicken biscuits for breakfast is not a Chicago thing. But I'll be damned if eating chicken biscuits for breakfast in Chicago before heading to a Bears tailgate ain't one of the best GD ideas ever conjured up. Chicken biscuits, man, chicken f'ing biscuits.
  21. Regarding the aforementioned Bears tailgate, you need to recognize that the Bears game was not at Soldier Field on Sunday. No, the Bears were in Minneapolis playing the Vikes at the Dome. But away games don't stop the crew of Chicagoans I was with on Sunday afternoon. In fact, I think they prefer away games. Behind several apartment buildings, these folks have what can only be described as a loading dock/building material storage area/parking lot. This "compound," as I called it, is nothing short of bizarre. There's a giant garbage dumpster, stacked up pieces of some kind of tubing, a tow truck, and a large concrete open area protected from the street by a giant metal sliding door that resembles something out of a Mad Max movie. This is where these dudes and their ladyfriends get their Bears tailgate on. Honestly, it's a GD thing of beauty. They've got a big grill going - burgers, dogs, brats, you name it. And a fold-out table with tons of grub on it. And a table that's a Bloody Mary bar. And a keg. And a basketball hoop setup. And a game of "bags" setup. And two big TVs somehow wired up to the cable box from inside the apartments. And stadium seating around the two TVs. I can't begin to tell you how money this setup was. It's like a mini-circus. Dogs were running around. Little kids were running after the dogs. Dudes were playing hoops. Hot grub was always coming off the grill. And, of course, a game of bags was always going on. Amazing. Truly.
  22. Apparently in Chicago, if something is good, you just yell "Bears!" and people understand that you are happy. For example…"How's that burger?" Response: "Bears!"
  23. After reading #22 and #23, I hope that one can imagine the chaos that ensued after Rex Grossman threw the first fourth quarter touchdown of his career with under 2 minutes to complete the Bears come from behind W. Bears!
  24. Folks in Chicago have no problem thinking twice about rules. When the TSA says not to bring any liquids or gels on a plane, you think one would listen. Not in Chicago. No joke. These are actual quotes I overheard while waiting in a huge line trying to get through security at O'Hare…"Well, I thought if I put the toothpaste in a ziploc bag, it would be OK"…"Yes sir, that's a bottle of cheese whiz"…"OK, the lady with the cheese whiz is coming through. Cheese whiz coming through."…"No, I always travel with Windex." Chicago, man. The City of Broad Shoulders. Best city in America. Just don't get to the airport late.
Major conference synopses, a third of the way through the season…
  1. SEC - The nation's best conference still has a lot left to be sorted out. As Week 5 approaches, Auburn, via its win over LSU, and Florida, via its win over the Vols at Neyland, are in the driver's seat in their respective divisions. That's fine and dandy, but a multitude of heavyweight matchups are still around the corner. In other words, being in the driver's seat is pretty much all anyone can chirp about at this juncture. Highlights from the first third: the Vols dominating performance against Cal, LSU/Auburn on Separation Saturday, Florida/Tennessee on Separation Saturday, and Houston Nutt's Hogs starting 2-0 in conference play.
  2. Big 10 - With 2 teams in the Top 6, the Large Dime begs the question: is the conference beginning to resemble its old self again? Maybe. Why? Because through four weeks the most we have learned about the Big Ten has been through Notre Dame. Yea, I know that Ohio State went into Austin and returned to Columbus with a convincing W. But that's one team. I want to know how good the conference is. You see what I'm getting at? Work with me. If Notre Dame is really good, then the Big Ten is really good. Why? Michigan's trouncing of the Irish in South Bend would mean that Michigan is back to being a powerhouse, Penn State's 24-point loss to the Irish would be acceptable, and Michigan State's choke this past weekend would be admirable. If, in fact, the Domers are only average, and that may very well be the case, then the Big Ten, at this juncture, is not back to being its old self. How does this notion change? It starts on Saturday in Iowa City, in Minneapolis and in South Bend. If the Hawkeyes and Gophers make the Saturday night games intense, and Notre Dame beats Purdue like a drum, the Big Ten, at least for another week, is legit. Highlights from the first third: the Buckeyes W in Austin, the Wolverines W in South Bend, Irish/Spartans, and Northwestern's season opening W in memory of coach Randy Walker.
  3. Big East - The Big Famine, much to my disbelief, is showing some hunger this season. What many penciled in as a cakewalk for the Mountaineers to the BCS is now turning out to be a 3-horse race. Louisville, despite injuries to Michael Bush and Brian Brohm, has showed no signs of letting Bobby Petrino's offensive juggernaut slow down. And the Rut Rut Goose, aka Rutgers, has, at least through four weeks, looked like every bit of a legit squad that should require WVU and UofL to take some time to study game tape. Highlights from the first third: Louisville's dominating performance against the Canes, the Mountaineers destruction of the Terps on national TV, and Rutgers entering the polls for the first time since 1976.
  4. Big 12 - The three biggin's - Texas, OU and Nebraska - all have a loss after four weeks of play. Not exactly how most folks envisioned the Big 12 at this point in the season. However, most folks thought that the Big 12 was much better than it actually is, and there in lies the problem. The 'Horns are young, the Sooners are overrated (again) and Nebraska is still in rebuilding mode. That being said, I think it is evident that the conference has not played its best hand yet. In other words, aces are still in the hole. Texas is absolutely loaded, and is only a few Colt McCoy therapy sessions away from being back in the mix. The Sooners should be undefeated…the Oregon loss was a joke and will hopefully wake the D up from its first third slumber. And the Huskers showed plenty of resolve out in LA two weekends ago and continue to blister dudes in Lincoln. There is still a lot of ball to be played. Chances are that the biggin's will have a significant hold on stirring the BCS pot come Thanksgiving. Highlights from the first third: if I told you that Missouri being 4-0 for only the fifth time since 1925 is the only legit highlight for the Big 12 thus far, would you believe me?
  5. ACC - Did anyone see this trainwreck coming? I know I didn't. The newest so-called power conference has been anything but thus far. In fact, the ACC has been f'ing awful. The "big boys" from the Sunshine State - the Noles and Canes - don't have offenses. UVA, Duke, UNC, NC State and Maryland need to do some serious evaluation of their programs. The newest ACC member, BC, is a GD Big East joke stuck in a southern conference - see last week's loss to the Wolfpack to confirm. Highlights from the first third: the fact that Virginia Tech hasn't lost yet, Clemson's bounceback W at the Doak, Calvin Johnson, and Wake being 4-0 for the first time since 1987.
  6. Pac 9 - USC and nine others. I will not cast the Trojans down with these mutts. One highlight from the first third: Ty Willingham's Washington Huskies are 2-2 following back to back wins over Fresno State and UCLA. Well done, Ty. Oregon's cheating-ass W over the Sooners doesn't make the cut.

4 games worth a damn this Saturday…

Alabama at Florida (-14) - I alluded to a plethora of heavyweight matchups yet to be played in the SEC. This isn't one of them. What are the chances that the Gators will be looking to enact some revenge from last year's 31-3 pasting in Tuscaloosa at the hands of the Tide? Pretty GD good. Simply put, the Gators are a far superior team this year. So why watch? 1) It's SEC football on CBS HDTV…the best in the business. 2) Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson will be calling the game…two of the classiest SOBs in the business. 3) After this game, the Gators have back to back to back games against #2 Auburn, #9 LSU and #10 Georgia. There's a chance that Gator Nation may be overlooking the Tide. So while I'll I think the Tide is strictly mediocre, if the Gators come out flat, the Tide could make this interesting. But I doubt it. Bet the Gators.

Georgia Tech (+9) at Virginia Tech - Who would have thunk that the "Battle of the Techs" would be an early season marquee matchup in the ACC? Not many folks. But it is. And it should be a damn good game. But something's gotta give. How come? Educate yourself…the Hokies haven't played anyone worth a damn yet…the Yellow Jackets have busted noggin's with the Golden Domers and my boys from Troy…the Hokies love playing at Lane Stadium, but struggled mightily with Cincinnati last weekend…the Jackets haven't played a road game this season…the Hokie defense forces a truckload of turnovers…the Jackets' QB, Reggie Ball, loves throwing picks when under pressure…the Hokies don't have a cornerback over 6'0" tall…Jacket WR Calvin Johnson is 6'5" and the best receiver in the country…Hokie tailback Branden Ore averages 100 yards rushing per game…the GT D held UVA to 66 total yards rushing last week. Woo-weee. So what does all of this mean? It means that this game is going to be close. Tech wins, but Tech covers. That's Virginia, and Georgia, respectively. Bet the Jackets. (Who invented the phrase "how come"? What set of words were jumbled in a garage in Glen Burnie that fashioned the phrase "how come"? I need to know this on the quick step because I just ordered 300 t-shirts with "How Come?" written on the front and I'd like to be able to explain its origin.)

Temple at Vanderbilt (-33) - Just kidding, but how about the Dores giving 33? Aggressive. And I like it.

Michigan (-10) at Minnesota - If I've ever taught anyone anything over the years, I hope it is "respect the Dome-field advantage." However, while I'm aware that this is Michigan's first road test since beheading Charlie Weis in South Bend, I'm going to encourage folks to remember to never listen to me. The Wolverines are out for blood in this game. If you don't recall, the Gophers beat the Wolverines in the Big House last year for their first win in this series since 1986. After an unimpressive home W over the Badgers last weekend, I'd be willing to bet that the Wolverines are stoked to get back on track this week. (Do you think anyone in the state of Michigan has ever used the word "stoked" outside of the phrase "I stoked the fire"? Doubtful.) Anyway, it's also worth noting that the Gophers gave up 49 points to Cal in Berkeley. And Cal ain't no Michigan. Forget the Dome-field advantage in this one, bet the Wolverines.

Ohio State (-7) at Iowa - Let me be honest here. I was dead wrong about Iowa. They suck. Well, maybe they don't suck, but they aren't the Big Ten winning, offensive killer that I have chirped up over the past few weeks. The near disaster at Syracuse was somewhat acceptable because Drew Tate didn't play, but only hanging 24 on the Illini last week was atrocious. Enter the #1 Buckeyes to Iowa City for the ABC primetime game of the week. I have no doubt that Kinnick Stadium will be a madhouse. And I have no doubt that the Hawkeyes will be amped for the game. But after watching Iowa struggle against the worst teams in D-I, I have no idea how they plan to hang with Tressel & Co. Granted, it's not like OSU exactly wowed the piss out of me last week in the rain at the 'Shoe versus JoePa & Co. The offense looked completely out of synch. That being said, you know "the classiest cheater this side of Florida" will have his boys ready to go. This game has been circled in both locker rooms since the 2006 schedules were released. Expect the emotion at the onset of the game to carry through the first half. In the second half, the Buckeyes dominate. Bet the Bucks.

P.S., get some Slate…

Thursday…

Auburn (-14.5) at South Carolina - Auburn is a lock. If the Gamecocks lost 18-0 to "now we know they're terrible" Georgia in Columbia on primetime TV, then what do you think is going to happen when the War Eagle rolls through town? I'll tell you. They're gonna get stomped. Tigers in an absolute thumping.

Friday…

Rutgers (-4.5) at South Florida - There is a lot of chatter surrounding the UoNJ these days. And rightfully so. Rutgers is ranked for the first time since 1976. My only question is: do wins at UNC and at home against Illinois warrant so much attention as to put the team in the Top 25? We'll see, if the Scarlet Knights hold up on Friday in a place that has recently been a very tough place to win. Don't believe winning at USF is easy? Just ask Louisville from a year ago at right about the same time of year. Settle down, don't let that USF voodoo worry you one bit. Greg Schiano is a damn good coach and Ray Rice is a damn good running back. Scarlet Knights win, and cover.

Saturday…

Parlay-time - Why not, right? Take the Gators (-14) over 'Bama, Texas Tech (+1) at A&M, Oregon (-1.5) at Arizona State, Cal (-10) at Oregon State, Michigan (-10) at Minnesota and the Buckeyes (-7) at Iowa. Yea, 6-game parlays are loco, but they're fun too.

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