On The Plate ... 9/14/06

Sometimes You Have to Respect a Stabbing

Nothing shows a coach your undying commitment to the team like stabbing your teammate in order to get the starting nod. No guts, no glory, right? Right. Here's a holler to the psycho killer backup punter at the University of Northern Colorado, who, in an effort to show just how determined he was to kick for the mighty Bears this season, stabbed a teammate and starting punter in the leg, in order to secure himself the first-string kicking assignment. Apparently, UNC doesn't take stabbings lightly. The kid was locked up on a charge of second-degree assault. If this kid played at Ohio State, he'd be team captain.

Is this hell? No, it's Iowa. Why? I had the Hawkeyes every which way last Saturday, and I mean every which GD way…straight-up, in a 3-game parlay, in a 4-game parlay, and in an 11-game parlay. And I was giddy about it. Iowa at the 'Cuse minus 19.5? A f'ing lock. After prancing around my apartment like a pony on his first dose of Lasix, I had the unfortunate pleasure of going into seizures when I found out an hour before kick-off that money ding ding Hawkeye QB Drew Tate was not playing due to an abdominal strain. And of course, my bets were already in. And as one knows, once the bets are in, the bets are in. Obviously, Iowa needed OT to beat the hideous 'Cuse after the backup Hawk QB threw 4 picks. Long story short, Iowa completely f'ed me on a large majority of my bets. (FYI, the 3-game and 4-game parlays would have hit had Iowa covered.) When I go to Chicago in 2 weekends, I might wear my Iowa City T to Will's Northwoods Inn so that rabid Badger fans can kick my ass. I don't deserve it, but the T certainly does. Well, maybe I do too. (To make matters worse, the CSG has been on, and is still on, a no-booze diet. In other words, solace was not found until I loaded the boat on Georgia and the under several hours after Iowa's disgusting performance. Thanks Dawgs. You be my dawgs.)

I wouldn't want to be Chuck Amato. That's about all I have to say about that nonsense in Raleigh.

Congratulations to South Carolina QB Blake Mitchell…not only is he commanding the worst offense in Steve Spurrier's history (see the shutout at home against Georgia) but he is the recipient of the Dumb Dumb of the Week Award . Mitchell has been suspended from the Gamecocks after getting into a fight at a bar on Wednesday night. I don't give a damn that the boy got into a bar fight, but after a performance as gruesome as the Gamecocks put up against Georgia one would think that the junior starting QB would attempt to be a team leader and show a little more restraint. Then again the boy was out hitting the bottle on a Tuesday night. Someone needs to sit Mitchell down and make him watch "The Program." If he isn't careful, he's going to end up just like Joe Kane. Actually, no he's not. Joe Kane was good. Spurrier needs a new QB asap.

Uniform check:

• Washington. Their road suits were money. Why? The tri-color setup…purple pants, white jersey, gold hat. In other words, unstoppable. Not to mention that Ty W nixed having names on the back of the jerseys. Another solid move. It was good to see the Huskies back on national televion, and GD if they didn't give the Sooners all they could handle for the first two quarters. For all I know Washington has never had names on the back of their jerseys. Whatever. They looked money on Saturday. Who else looked money? Huskies QB Isaiah Stanbeck. It's a shame the dude is a senior…he showed flashes of brilliance.
• Dores. For the second week in a row, Vanderbilt rocked the all white suits. Very solid. How solid? The Dores actually looked like they belonged on the same field as 'Bama, who rocks one of the top five suits in the land. In addition, the Dores played like they belonged on the same field as 'Bama. Granted the Tide is no better than average this year, but a 3-point loss in Tuscaloosa should make Dores fans damn proud. This program is on the up and up. Seriously. I'm thinking about getting season tickets next year. The commute is really not that bad.
• Syracuse. At first glance I thought the 'Cuse's suits were as ugly as their game, but as I grew more and more frustrated with the Hawkeyes performance, the more and more the Orange suits grew on me. Without a question, the numbered hats are dope. And without a question the stripes on the shoulders are dope. The navy jerseys with the orange draw's may have been a bit much, however. Here's an idea for Greg Robinson…go with navy pants, white jerseys, and the orange hats. That combination might warrant a W…especially this week in the Who's More Gross Bowl when the Orange travel to Champagne in a battle for the D I-A basement.

Why does Temple still have a football team? Is anyone at the university happy that the Owls lost their opener to lowly Buffalo and then got throttled 62-0 at home by Louisville? Is the AD aware that they his Owls are 42 point underdogs when they travel to Minnesota on Saturday? Is anyone anywhere having fun with this? Actually, I am.

Pac-9 update …Oregon State got murdered on the blue turf at Boise State, Stanford lost to San Jose State, Arizona got curbed at LSU and UCLA struggled mightily with Texas powerhouse Rice. Yep, the conference still blows. At this juncture, only Oregon garners my respect among the Pac-9. The week's showdown with the Sooners will go a long way in determining if that respect is maintained. (Some knowledge on the blue turf at Boise…1) The turf is called the "Smurf Turf"…2) The blue turf represents the "blue collar" workers of Boise. Pretty money on both fronts.)

Top 10 thoughts from what the donkeys dubbed "the greatest game in the history of the world", aka Ohio State / Texas II…

1. As I said last week, this game was way over-hyped. Too much hoopla, too much "holy xrap I can't believe this game is happening again", too much too much. Nevertheless, I did enjoy ABC showcasing Robert Randolph for the opening highlight jam. That was money.
2. Jim Tressel remains the classiest cheater in coaching right now…behind Bobby Bowden, of course. (Speaking of Bobby…did anyone see the interview between Bowden and Michael Irvin before the Noles/Canes game? It was priceless. Best part? The two are standing at the top of the stairs at the Doak looking down on the field, and Irvin asks Bowden why Bowden let him get away from playing at such a beautiful facility to play at Miami. Bowden, without a hitch, responds "Because you wanted too much money." Now that's brilliance in its highest form.)
3. Ohio State proved that they are a better team. Texas proved that youth at key positions, especially quarterback, hinders your chance to win a game at such a high level.
4. For Colt's sake, I hope the 'Horns fans relax on him until the Red River Shootout on October 7. The 'Horns should roll into that game with young Colt's wounds from the Buckeyes completely healed.
5. Ohio State is better coached.
6. I still hate Ohio State.
7. Troy Smith is pretty GD good. Vince Young he is not, but he doesn't have to be. Smith plays his role to perfection. It helps when you have a cannon of an arm too.
8. Ted Ginn is a jet, and a sicko athlete. But, like Herbstreit chattered all week, I think Anthony Gonzalez makes the Buckeye's engine hum.
9. The play of the game was Texas' fumble in the first quarter on the Buckeyes 2-yard line. If the 'Horns score on that drive, the game has a totally different feel. Instead, Ohio State scored 5 plays later and put the first points on the board.
10. The fact that Mack Brown is claiming the new clock rules had a serious negative effect on his team down the stretch is nothing short of complete insanity. Wake up, Mack. Your team was dominated, clock or no clock. Oh, and get used to losing the big one again, Mack. This won't be the 'Horns only loss this year.

This just in…the Jessica Simpson ad for Proactiv is the funniest ad on TV. Oh, and word on the street is that Nick Lachey and his family represented 13 of the 19 people at the Pitt at Cincinnati game last Thursday.

On the Slate…

Thursday, September 14

Maryland at West Virginia (-17.5) - I should be at Ragtime (the WVU bar next to my place) Thursday night, but I won't be. This game should make the area electric, but it won't be. There should be fights littering the streets between Terp and Mountie fans, but there won't be. And why not? 2 reasons…1) West Virginia is going to kick the piss out of the Terps and everyone knows it. 2) Terps fans, as usual, could care less about their team because the team is mediocre. If Terps fans had any heart, they'd get stupid drunk Thursday night, make a boatload of obnoxious noise and get into at least 2 fights per person. Come on Terps fans, you can do it. God knows that the Mountaineer fans are a lock to act this way. Let's see a Battle Royale in the streets. (The real reason I'm not going to be at Ragtime is this whole no-boozing thing I'm working on. Rest assured, however, that I'll be dominating some Dale Jr's come Saturday for the day's plethora of gigantic games.)

Saturday, September 16

Temple at Minnesota (-42) - I mean you might as well, right?

Texas (-33) at Rice - Not only will Mack want to get Colt back in rhythm, but Mack won't call off the dogs until 60 points are on the board. And I'm pretty sure that Rice isn't an offensive juggernaut.

Boise State (-7.5) at Wyoming - Is this is a misprint? If not, bet your soul on the Broncos.

The 7 biggin's…(sorry Texas Tech/TCU fans, you didn't make the cut because the line is too thin)…

3:30 kicks…

Michigan (+6.5) at Notre Dame - What's that damn saying about the echoes of Notre Dame waking up? Isn't there a saying about that? Well, whatever. The Irish's offensive echoes from last season woke up last week against Penn State. And just like that, everyone is back on the Domer bandwagon. Told you so. Unfortunately for the wagoneers, they're going to have to jump off after this weekend. What? Yea, I like Michigan. To win? Nope, just to cover. (Relax wagoneers, your seats are safe on the bandwagon this week.) So why do I like the Wolverines to cover? Did anyone notice the ease with which Penn State was rushing the ball against the Irish D, especially in the first half? Penn State is a good team, but they aren't Michigan. Penn State does not have Michael Hart. And no offense to Anthony Morelli, but Morelli is not Chad Henne. (Even though I think Henne is overrated.) What's my point? My point is the Irish D, the one that has received oodles of kudos after the G-Tech and PSU games, is going to be tested mightily by the Wolverines. I mean mightily. The kicker is that Michigan will not be able to stop the Irish. No chance, no way. In other words, there will be a lot of points scored in this affair. Bet the Wolverines, the Irish win by a smidge. Why? Because of Weis' humungous football brain.

Oklahoma at Oregon (-4.5) - Not only do I like the Ducks, but I like the Ducks in a murder. And it kills me to say it. But the truth of the matter is that Oklahoma is overrated. They'd be overrated even if they had Bomar. Why? That so-called vaunted defense has looked anything but in the Sooners' first two home games. Two home games against UAB and Washington that were entirely too close for any Sooner fan's comfort. Now Stoops & Co head to Autzen Stadium, one of the toughest places to play in the country, for a rematch against Bellotti & Co who are looking to flip the switch on OU's Holiday Bowl win last year. The Ducks are legit, despite the fact that they have 384 uniform combinations. A-Pete will get his, but it won't be enough to stop the Duck Duck Goose from rolling. (And for the record, that 384 combination number is a real number. The Ducks are going to sport white helmets at some point later this season. Insane? Yes. Do I love it? Absolutely GD right.)

Miami (+4) at Louisville - I'm still having trouble believing that this line is real. Are you kidding me?!? The Canes are getting 4 points? Sure, Louisville is a good team. And the Cards gave the Canes all they could handle last year in the OB. But does crushing Kentucky and Temple really warrant a four point spread for the Cards? I said it after week 1 and I'll say it again…the Canes game versus the Noles was the first game of the season in the rain on national TV, not to mention against a bitter rival who has as much if not more NFL talent than any other team in the country on defense. Cards by 4? I highly doubt it, especially without Michael Bush. The Canes defense is frightening…UofL won't score more than two TDs. The Canes offense will wake the F up, and the Canes will win. A record of 1-2 at the U is not in the cards.

LSU (+3.5) at Auburn -In my opinion, this is THE game of the day. Why? Because I think the winner will play for the national championship. I know that's a crazy statement for the "beat each other up" SEC, but I really do think that both of these teams are as talented as anyone else in the country. If the War Eagle wins this game, their two toughest remaining games are Florida and Georgia both at Jordan-Hare. It's a much, much tougher road for the Bayou Bengals to run the table because they have additional road games at Florida and at Tennessee. That being said, I think if LSU wins at Auburn, trips to the Swamp and Neyland will be much easier to handle. So who is going to win this game? I have no idea. But for a bet I like the Bayou Bengals and that extra half point. This game will come down to a field goal, no doubt.

8:00 kicks…

Clemson at Florida State - I never bet on the Noles, and the Mayor has rightfully convinced me to never again bet in a game involving Clemson. Thus, there isn't an iota of gambling chatter coming from me concerning this game. I didn't even show you a line. And how could I? The Noles nearly lost to Troy last week. Yes, f'ing Troy. I used to like Troy, AL because I got a pair of money sunglasses at a gas station there. Now I hate Troy for robbing me of some years in my old age. This Clemson game scares the wizz out of me. Why? Because Clemson's players are just as athletic as the Noles', and just as dumb too. It's like the Noles are playing themselves. And that, to me, is one scary-ass notion.

Florida at Tennessee (+4) - OK, I know that the Vols almost lost to Air Force last weekend in Neyland Stadium. I'm chalking that up to a little "lookaheadtonextweekitis." Do you want to know how much "Florida week" means to Volunteer Nation? UT's All-SEC defensive tackle Justin Harrell, who tore his bicep muscle against the Falcons, will forego surgery until next week so that he can play against the Gators. (Harrell will miss the rest of the season after this game.) You think the Vols will be ready to play this week? Exactly. The fact that the Gators have murdered Southern Miss and Central Florida (both in the Swamp) doesn't exactly have me crowning the Gators as the greatest thing since sliced bread either. Urban Meyer has never played at Neyland Stadium. The Bugs Bunny Giant needs to give Meyer a proper introduction to Volunteer country, aka telling his team of thugs to start a fight in the tunnel. The Vols know that they won't fully be back on the map until they've made their presence known in the SEC. Beating Cal was one thing, but beating the Gators is a whole different ordeal. This begins on Saturday. Vols win. (For the record, the fact that Tennessee is getting points at home in this rivalry is totally beyond me.)

Nebraska (+18) at USC - USC beat Arkansas in Fayetteville like a dog. Great. But does that mean that they should be 18 point favs over the visiting Huskers? No. Nebraska enters this game knowing that they have a lot to prove to themselves, the state of Nebraska and football nation. USC has had a week off to prepare for the Huskers after putting the Hogs on the spit. They've also had a week off to get rusty. Remember, the Trojans are young. And it doesn't help a young squad when the donkeys, aka the media, has fallen in love with them. And the media loves the GD Trojans. Yea, they're gonna win the miserable Pac-10, but anointing them the be all end all is a but much at this juncture of the season. I think the Huskers are going to show a lot of people that they are a legitimate team to be reckoned with. Take the points.

P.S…. I'll be part of the lowest form of humanity on Sunday…Raiders at Ravens…if I don't perish, many stories to follow…