On The Plate ... 9/7/06

Simultaneously Panicking and Relaxing

This is an area in which I am extremely talented. Obviously. To be quite honest, I'm normally in a constant state of high anxiety yet deep relaxation. How's this possible? I'm not really sure, but I pull it off. Well, most of the time. Depending on the topic of conversation, I might have a tendency to lean towards one or the other, but that's part of the juggling act. On the norm, though, I'm very relaxed and very anxious. It's a gift.

Right now, however, I'm a little bit anxious. I want to get this column done but I don't have any idea what I'm going to write about. Actually, I bet my anxiety is a little like the anxiety of a few fan bases across the country right now after some performances from this past weekend. Week 2 looms, and some kids out there have no idea what to expect from their squads. I'm panicking, they're panicking. Why don't we all panic? Who's with me? I'll tell you who is…

1. Colorado - Um, where do I begin? You want to talk about peak anxiety levels? The Buff kids must be freaking the F out. Just take a gander at the recent events in 'Rado football land to recognize the "dear God, I can't stop chumming on myself" factor in Boulder…lose the last two regular season games of the '05 season by a combined score of 100-6; fire bad guy, head bandit coach Gary Barnett; lose snoozer bowl game to Clemson 19-10; hire good guy, offensive guru, savior of the Buffs program Dan Hawkins; lose '06 season opener under good guy, offensive guru, savior of the Buffs program Dan Hawkins 19-10 to I-AA Montana State. Anxious? Me too.
2. Oklahoma - Down 17-14 to UAB in the third quarter of the season opener at home? Enough said. It's very possible that for the first time in Sooner history, two upcoming games against the woeful Pac-10 (USC excluded) has the Sooner faithful nervous. It's a sad day in Norman when that's the case.
3. Miami - When the head coach of the Canes follows up a miserable performance against the 'Noles with "I want to make sure that our fans don't give up on our football team", it might be time for Canes fans to fill some prescriptions. Earth to Larry, fans aren't giving up on the team. They're giving up on you. The MIA should be nervous. Forget the lack of a running game. That happens against a wicked Noles D in the first game of the season in the rain. (And vice versa for the Noles versus a wicked Canes D in the first game of the season in the rain.) The fact that media donkeys are chirping about the weak running game stats is driving me insane. Yea, 3 yards of combined rushing offense sucks. But wake up…it was raining, it was the first game, and there may have been more defensive NFL talent on that field than in any other game played this season. I'm anxious as F right now. More to the point, the Canes never threw the ball downfield and looked beyond unorganized - 12 men on the field, bad snaps, fumbles, etc. - under an entirely new coaching staff at the U. Absolutely unacceptable. Pills are good, Canes fans.
4. Pac-10 - Writing this makes brings me great joy. If you're a fan of Pac-10 football, it's time to face the dreadful truth - the Pac-10 blows. All of the "we don't get any respect" BS just went down the commode. Yea, I'm bringing back "commode". Pac-10 folks should be genuinely worried that, with Cal's more than embarrassing loss in Knoxville, the entire football nation will never respect the Pac-10 again. For the record, and I think I've said this before, from here on out I will no longer refer to the Pac-10 as the Pac-10. The Pac-9 is more appropriate. There is no reason to lump the Trojans in with the rest of those mutts.
5. Football on Tobacco Road - Straight up hilarious. After losing 13-0 to the mighty I-AA Spiders of Richmond, Duke fans shouldn't be concerned with the state of their program, but whether they should even have a program. As for the Devils brethren on Tobacco Road, the entire region shouldn't be sleeping too soundly after UNC's home loss to Rutgers, Wake's highly unimpressive 10 point W over dog-ugly Syracuse, and NC State's struggle with I-AA Appalachian State. And no, Wolfpack fans, I don't care that the ASU Mountaineers were I-AA champs last year.

And just like that, this f'ing column is coming together nicely. Now, I'm relaxed as all get out. Who's with me? I'll tell you who is…

1. Tennessee - The Nation of Orange hasn't been this happy in, well, over a year. How long do you think the off-season felt for Vols fans after Vanderbilt won in Neyland Stadium on Senior Day to guarantee that the Vols didn't go bowling? Try an eternity. Enter the #9-ranked and highly touted Cal Bears to Neyland Stadium in front of 109,000 rabid Vols fans hungry for some positivity. Exit the #9-ranked and highly touted Cal Bears with a punishing 35-18 L hung on them by the Bugs Bunny Giant's band of killers. Positivity deluxe. What do you think Coach Fulmer would have done if I told him his boys were going to whip Cal, take care of Air Force this weekend and head into the Gators game looking like the Vols of old? He'd probably eat a dozen pies, and then sign some boys holed up in the Knoxville detention center to play next year. But that's beyond the point. Tennessee is back. Watch out. Oh, fyi, I don't think "positivity" is a word.
2. USC - I'm willing to bet that losing Reggie, LenDale and the Prettiest Father-to-be had the USC faithful a little insecure about how things would shake out for their squad this year. Now maybe they weren't that nervous with the idea of going to play Arkansas in Fayetteville, but being up only 16-7 at the half had to have ruffled some feathers. Those feathers are no longer ruffled. And no longer is any Trojan fan insecure about how things are going to shake out for the Men of Troy. USC will win the Pac-10. Again. And they'll be in the mix for the national championship. Again. (For the record, I got lambasted by some folks for not hollering about Leinart being a daddy…1) The news came out after I had written last week's column; 2) I hate Leinart ; 3) I'm more concerned with how the Lady Trojans hoops team is going to deal with the loss of Mom-to-be Brynn Cameron and her money jumpshot. Hoops doesn't start for months. Chirp at me then.)
3. FSU - This is obvious. Playing the season opener against the Canes is nauseating. Playing the season opener against the Canes at the OB is stroke-worthy. Especially when you are Florida State. That loud collective sigh you heard late Monday night coming from Tallahassee was more than justified, especially considering the Noles' hideous, sallow and disgusting performance in 2005. Period.
4. Big East - The conference that I normally refer to as the "Big Famine" looked well fed after Week 1. And you know how you feel after gorging serious grub, right? Relaxed as a mofo. See WVU - some Mountie folks I spoke with had the shakes heading into the Marshall game. Yes, paranoia is setting in early in Morgantown. But those nerves are calmer after the 42-10 murderation. See Louisville - how much do Cards fans enjoy punishing UK year in and year out? A lot. Honestly, I don't think anyone in red was nervous for this one, but I'm sure they're happy to see that the Petrino/Brohm air assault hadn't lost a step. (They're going to need every step of that air assault now that Michael Bush is lost for the year. What a GD shame.) See Pitt - after decimating UVA, Team Dumb Dumb has a new name…Team Resurrection. Wannstedt, back from the dead. Tyler Palko, back from the dead. Pitt, back from the dead? At 1-0, so far so good. Rutgers - the University of New Jersey has a new hero…Ray Rice. The dude rushed for 201 yards and 3 touches. The Rut Rut Goose is on the verge of getting dangerously good. Sure, a W in Chapel Hill isn't necessarily reason to start tipping cars over, but it's a nice follow up to a 7-5 season that ended in a first bowl appearance since 1978. When is the last time 2 Big East teams (not named Miami or Va Tech) beat 2 ACC teams in the same weekend? I don't know. Someone look that up.
5. Nebraska - For the majority of last two seasons, Husker fans have been thinking the following…"Why'd you do that Bill Callahan? Why? You're supposed to be our hero. And you go and do something dirty like that. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Bill Callahan, I hate you." Needless to say, anxiety levels were high in Lincoln because Husker Nation thought that Billy Ball was a bust. Then Nebraska beat Michigan in the Alamo Bowl last year. Frowns turned upside down. Now, they've opened 2006 with a 584-yard offensive explosion. No more stink from Billy C. At least not yet. The Huskers play at USC in two weeks. Stink may loom, but for the time being all is well on the plains.

Am I half-panicked, half-relaxed right now? Clearly, aka the perfect state of abnormal normalcy. Who's with me? I'll tell you who is…

1. Texas - Colt McCoy looked great in the opener against the North Texas. He threw for 177 yards and 3 touches, not to mention rushing for a touch on the ground. In Austin, the boy is being hailed like new-age Caesar. That's fine and dandy after playing the Mean Green. But as Saturday night's biggin' against the Buckeyes nears, even the 'Horns faithful are beginning to realize that there's a slight difference between playing North Texas at noon and playing #1 Ohio State at 8PM on national television. Right now, Colt is dry-heaving. If 'Horns fans aren't already, they will be as well come game time.
2. Ohio State - The Buckeyes know that their offense is sicko. And Troy Smith is as cool as a cucumber. That's great, but guess what? Much like Colt being worried about playing Ohio State on a giant-ass stage, the Buckeye defense is worried about playing Colt & Co. on a giant-ass stage. Why? 1) Cheater U has replaced 9 starters on defense this year. 2) Northern Illinois' Garrett Wolfe rushed 26 times for 172 yards in the Horseshoe last weekend, becoming just the third player to rush for over 100 yards at the Shoe since 2001. 3) A lot of the new defensive starters are youngin's…in other words, dry-heaving will abound. If Buckeye fans aren't already, they will be as well come game time.
3. Notre Dame - Irish fans should be happy that they got out of Atlanta with a W. The Domer O didn't look sound, but did just enough to win. Not to mention the D stepping up huge. And that's all that should matter. F the media chirp about the Irish being overrated. Once again, it was the first game of the season, on national television, in a hostile environment, against a better than expected G-Tech defense. Give the boys a break. Getting into rhythm takes time. And there in lies the cause of the unrelaxed feeling in Irish bellies across the country. Hello Penn State. Hello rhythm? We'll see.
4. South Carolina - OK, so the Ole Ball Coach won the opener in Starkville, a place he has historically had trouble getting a W. Horray for the Gamecocks. He won, however, in highly unimpressive fashion. Uh oh for the Gamecocks. Why? The Dawgs come to Columbia on Saturday night. That should be enough to make anyone a bit jittery.
5. Houston Nutt - Why in the hell do I think Houston Nutt is half-relaxed? The boy should be widespread panic after the shellacking his Hogs took at the hands of the Trojans for the second straight year, right? Wrong. Nutt knows his team had no business being on the same field as USC, and frankly he's relieved that he doesn't have to play them ever again. He's named freshman superstar Mitch Mustain as the starting QB for this week's game against Utah State. And Mitch is the key to Nutt being more relaxed than panicked. If the kid has a solid showing against the USU Aggies, and then next week in Nashville versus Vandy, the Hogs will be 2-1 and feeling good about themselves when the Tide comes to town, aka the game that may make or break Nutt's job. If Mitch is a bust, the Hogs could legitimately lose at Vandy (the Dores beat them last year in Fayetteville), and the Tide game could be more of a break or break game for Houston. Either way, the dude will always have one of the greatest names in history.

On the Slate…

Virginia Tech (-13) at UNC - The only way this game isn't a no brainer is if Rutgers ends up winning the national championship. Likelihood of that happening in my lifetime more or less this year? Doubtful. If the Heels can lose by 5 to the UoNJ in Chapel Hill, they sure as hell can get thumped by 13-plus points by the Hokies. Give the points, take Tech.

Auburn (-21) at Mississippi State - Guess who was wrong about the Tigers starting slow last week? This kid, that's who. The War Eagle stomped the donkey out of Washington State. (I admit the Cougars were a bad choice.) Not this week. Mississippi State lost last week 15-0 to a squad from South Carolina that barely, and I mean barely, has an offense. Add in the fact that the Bulldogs starting QB was lost for the season with a broken collarbone. Enter the Dragon named Kenny Irons and watch the Tigers roll. Give the points, watch the War Eagle dominate.

Vanderbilt (+16) at Alabama - I've said it 4,521 times and I'll say it again. If there is one thing the Dores are good at, it's beating a point spread in games they aren't supposed to. Refer to the Michigan game last week. In fact, and yes this can be construed as temporary insanity, I think the Dores can beat the Tide. You heard it here first. Take the points all day long, bet Vandy.

Iowa (-19) at Syracuse - This is my favorite game of the week. Why? 3 reasons…1) Iowa's offense is silly. 2) Syracuse's defense gave up 10 second half points last week to a Wake Forest offense that lost their starting quarterback to a broken arm. While 10 points may not seem like a lot, it's noteworthy because the backup QB for Wake did not attempt a pass. Yea, that's right. 0-for-0. And the kid wins. This leads me to my 3rd point. 3) Syracuse sucks. Give the points, Iowa in a rout.

Washington (+17) at Oklahoma - If Washington played UAB, who would be favored? I have no idea but I bet the line would be close. If UAB was up 3 on the Sooners in the third quarter of last week's game, why can't the Huskies be as well this week? Ty Willingham is not stupid. He'll play conservatively, try to shut down Adrian Peterson and make Stoops & Co. chuck the rock to beat them. If that occurs, even remotely, I think 17 points is too many points for OU to be favored by. I realize that the Pac-10 is dog vomit. And I realize that Washington State punked me last weekend. But I honestly think the Sooners are so one-dimensional that any well coached opponent has the ability to give them a lot of trouble. I'm taking the points and the Huskies.

East Carolina at UAB (-7) - Last week, ECU lost at Navy by 5 while UAB lost at Oklahoma by 7. Navy is not Oklahoma, no matter how many dimensions the Sooners do or do not have. Take the Blazers, give the points.

Penn State at Notre Dame (-8) - I'm very close to not touching this one. On the one hand, I really think the Irish will snap out of their one week offensive funk. On the other hand, I think the Nittany Lions D is going to be fired the F up to take on the Irish challenge. If the line was Irish minus 6, I'd back the Irish. At 8 points, I'm indifferent. At 10 points, I'd back PSU. Happy Valley is going to be on the lunatic fringe. ("Lunatic Fringe"…great song, name the artist.) JoePa will have his troops ready. So will Charlie Weis. For some reason, I think this game is going to be an epic. I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside, oh Lord, oh Lord…a feeling like a 31-24 Irish W with lots of fourth quarter scoring. That'd be money, right? I'm so confused. (The artist is Red Rider.)

Georgia (-3.5) at South Carolina - This is my second favorite game of the weekend. I understand that the game is in Columbia. I understand that Gamecock fans are going to be insane. I understand that Georgia only beat SC by 2 last year in Athens. I understand that playing in Columbia in front of a ton of rabid fans versus a team coached by Steve Spurrier is not an ideal situation for any team. What I don't understand is how anyone thinks that the Gamecocks are going to score against the Dawgs D. The 'Cocks lone touchdown at Miss State last week was a result of some trickeration. QB Blake Mitchell got banged up by the MSU D. In other words, the 'Cocks are in trouble. The fact that Miss State only had 133 of total offense against SC means nothing to me. Georgia ain't Miss State. And Georgia has Mark Richt. Take the Dawgs, give the points. (I love how trickeration is an acceptable word to use these days.)

Ohio State (+3) at Texas - Colt's young arm versus the Buckeyes young D. Ballistic Ohio State offense versus loaded 'Horns D. Read other columns for all the ins and outs on this over-hyped matchup. (Neither team is going to win the national championship.) I like the Buckeyes. Why? Because Mack doesn't have Vince Young, and without him, Mack hasn't won a GD thing. Yea, I'm doubting Mack. I'm not doubting Jim Tressel. Tressel's offense is good enough to make up for any Buckeye defensive lapses, and there wont be many. Tressel has a history of winning big games. Losing two in a row to Texas is not in the cards. I'm taking the points and loving the Buckeyes.

P.S.… I didn't go too loco during the Noles/Canes game. Sure, I had moments of hysteria. For instance, I told my Mom that murder had become the word of the day and that I was getting on the next plane to Miami to shoot Noles' safety Roger Williams after he blanked on a tackle that would have stopped the Canes' Charlie Jones TD run. I got a little nutty when the Noles had the ball inside the 10. I figured a F up was in order. But it wasn't. And I got a little restless when that fat kicker Gary Cismesia lined up to kick the go-ahead field goal. I figured a wide-something was in order. But it wasn't. Drew Weatherford is 2-0 against the Canes. A miracle. Halleluiah. For the record, I couldn't be any happier that Monday's game marked the last time these teams will play on Labor Day. The game is moving back to late October…when it should be. No more first game ineptitude. Thank God.