On The Plate ... 8/28/06

One Of These Days…

…I'm going to cut you into little pieces. That, and college football is going to start.

This Thursday to be exact. Well, at least for college football. I actually don't intend on cutting anyone into little pieces. However, the heat and boredom of August combined with the general sports malaise of the summer has got me listening to way too much Pink Floyd, specifically the album "Meddle". Sure, it's a little bizarre, but radical times call for radical measures. Isn't that a saying? There a saying about "something" times and "something" measures, right? I don't know and I don't really care. What I do care about is the fact that come Thursday night at 8PM I'm going to be sitting in a local watering hole, enjoying some beverages, and grinning ear to ear that South Carolina at Mississippi State is about to kick off, and with it a return to normalcy. I'm in need of some serious balance.

For Christ's sake, this summer has been so numbing that I've become a boxing fan. Say what? Say yes. I know more about junior middleweights and welterweights than a rational person should know. I'm getting to the point where I think HBO's Jim Lampley and Larry Merchant are f'ing geniuses. Yea, I understand that this is insane. But what the F am I supposed to do? Watch the Orioles? Nope, just writing "Orioles" makes me depressed. Get intrigued about the golf majors? Nope, not when Tiger is playing. The dude is so good it's sickening. And unfortunately his brilliance makes watching golf tournaments painful unless you're into seeing how many shots Tiger can lap the field by. Well, I'm not. Not fun. What about watching pre-season NFL? Don't think so. I'd rather have a tooth pulled than listen to Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser try to hype up ESPN's upcoming season of Monday Night Football. That's all the pre-season has been this year - those jackasses preaching about MNF on ESPN. Oh, and of course, the games still suck, but that's to be expected. It's the preseason. (I'll admit, however, that watching horrendous preseason games is still much better than watching the O's try to not finish in 5th place in the AL East. I just watch the football on mute. That's where the Pink Floyd comes in handy…and the dope.)

A few quick answers to some questions that I've received on permanent repeat…

1. No, I haven't been in mourning since Villanova lost. And no, that's not the reason for not having written anything since then. Yea, I took the L hard. But I had a Final Four preview column teed up and was intent on writing a post-Four recap thing. The problem is that 1) the preview column sucked and 2) so did the Final Four. It was the worst Final Four of my life. And not because 'Nova wasn't in it. The games were brutal to watch. I figured most people outside of Gainesville, FL realized that much, so my $0.02 were useless. But here's something that I had intended to post that some of you might find interesting…
Forget the last time a Final Four had no #1 seeds. That's a budget question compared to this one: name the last time the Final Four had no Big East, Big Ten, Big 12 or ACC team. Go ahead. Try 1970 when UCLA, St. Bonaventure, New Mexico State, and Jacksonville advanced to the Four. Jacksonville? Yep, the good old, Jax Dolphins. Money. In 36 years, or 2042, when this random event occurs again kids will be asking similar questions. George Mason? Yep, the good old Mason Patriots. Money, again.
2. The Barbaro story broke my heart. Horse racing was about to get the shot of adrenaline it so desperately needed, and instead that f'ing travesty had to happen. F'ing Pimlico. Someone needs to burn down that dump. That's enough on this.
3. I loved the World Cup. So why didn't I write on it? Too lazy. Sorry. Hell, I wish the World Cup had lasted all summer. I'd be a lot calmer right now if it had. Someone needs to talk to someone about making the World Cup an event held every two years. Talk about being able to ease a lot of folk's summer restlessness. It's a GD shame how awful the U.S. played, but it's pretty solid how the country grasped the sport and really got into it. By "country" I mean DC, where I live. Granted the District is international as a mofo, so maybe the country didn't get into it. Well, that's a shame. Whatever, 2010 in South Africa is going to be silly…at least if you live in the District.
4. The fact that the NHL playoffs were primarily televised on OLN made me sick, but I guess that's what a sport filled with overpaid Canadians, Czechs and Russians gets after going on strike. Hopefully, ESPN will pick up the TV contract next year. Not being able to watch more Cup games really pissed me off, and frankly kept me from having too much to say about them. I did watch every game of the Cup Finals including Game 7 in some Irish bar in NYC which was pretty cool. Not because anyone in the bar cared about the game, but because I was at a GD conference for work and was able to shake loose from a dinner engagement to watch the game with Little Marina and the Cadillac. For the record, we were all pissed that the Oilers didn't win. Hockey doesn't belong in North Carolina.

Satisfied? Hope so. Now let me get to the reason I'm back in front of this f'ing computer on a Saturday afternoon…

Top 10 off-the-cuff musings about the upcoming season…

1. I love the fact that this season is as wide open as one in recent memory. In fact, for the first time since 1997, six teams received first place votes in the preseason AP poll. Solid.
2. Texas is overrated. Sure, they have "a ton of talent returning". But when haven't the Longhorns had a ton of talent? They're always loaded. That's why Mack Brown, prior to last year, had been a mutt since his arrival in Austin. What the 'Horns don't have is Vince Young, and that's enough to guarantee two L's for old Mack and Co.
3. I hate Ohio State. Just wanted to make sure everyone remembered that.
4. I love how everyone hates, and I mean loathes, the Irish again now that they are good, and projected to be in the hunt for the national championship. I, on the other hand, like the Irish. Why? As I've said before, when the Irish are good, every Saturday is gifted another hugely important game because the Irish play a silly hard schedule.
5. Who's the best team in Florida? I'm keeping quiet ahead of Labor Day night's slugfest. (For those of you still thinking about the Jacksonville Dolphins, FSU plays at Miami on Labor Day night.) Mark May thinks that the 'Noles are the best team in Florida. Me nervous? You bet, May is the kiss of death. As for the upcoming Noles/Canes game, I'm not sure if it's because it seems like the teams have played a dozen times over the last three years or because both programs are down, but I'm not as amped as I normally am one week before the game. It's probably due to a combination of both - too many recent matchups between clubs that used to dominate but are now mediocre. The fact that the Noles lost five games last year, and have been average the last five seasons, is not quickly forgotten. Expectations, at least from a kid in Northern Virginia, are not as high as they once were. But that doesn't mean that I still don't hate them f'ing Canes. Oh, I do. Check with me in a week. An irregular heartbeat will abound.
6. There's a lot of chatter surrounding West Virginia making a run at the BCS championship. And for good reason. They return the 1-2 combo of Pat White and Steve Slaton and they have a balls easy schedule. Unfortunately, this means that they'll probably lose to Maryland and Louisville. That's what the Mountaineers do when the hype is thick. I hope not. Why? Because there's never been a better season to have a WVU bar a block away from your joint, and I've got one.
7. I think Nebraska is going to be really good this year. As in, win the Big 12 good. Yes, I've taken my medicine today.
8. I think Iowa is going to be really good this year. As in, win the Big 10 good. I swear I've taken my medicine today.
9. Who else hopes that USC doesn't win a game this year? Who else is confused by the AP putting four Pac-10 teams in the preseason Top 25? Who else wishes the Pac-10 didn't exist?
10. Trying to pick a preseason SEC champion is asinine. The conference is way too money for anyone to have any clue of how things are going to shake out. And that's why year after year it is the best conference in the land. My prediction? Vanderbilt. Why not, right?

In order to take this CSG thing global, I've lined up some biggin' trips this fall to see some real deal games. Actually, "biggin'" might be an exaggeration, but the weekends are going to stupid fun nonetheless. In late September, I'm back headed to the Windy City for Wisconsin at Michigan. Why Chicago? Because I'm heading back to the greatest Wisconsin bar ever…Will's Northwoods Inn. And yes, Musky Fest is going to be in the mix as well. In October, I'm heading south; I'm talking deep south to Auburn, AL for the Arkansas at Auburn game. To say I'm a bit excited is the understatement of the year. One weekend later I'll be in Austin, TX to watch the 'Horns massacre the Baylor Bears, a tuneup game before the 'Horns head to Lincoln, NE for a clash with the Huskers. I suspect that I might perish in Austin. That weekend will be as loco as in gets, hands down. Throw in a potential Nashville run for Gamecocks at Dores, a potential College Park run for Noles at Terps and a potential Charm City run for Notre Dame versus Navy and this fall is shaping up to be a f'ing gem. Why am I telling you all of this? Two reasons…1) I'm highly motivated about getting to some games this fall. Hook a brother up with some tickets, and the homeboy will get on a plane…2) If you know of any money joints in any of the places I'm going to visit, give the boy a holler.

Back to the Slate…

Thursday August 31…

South Carolina (-6.5) at Mississippi State - How priceless is the pre-game interview with Steve Spurrier going to be? Priceless. He'll be nervous, angry and appalled that he has to do an interview with Erin Andrews. For the record, I'd like to do an interview with Erin Andrews, and I like the Gamecocks. Year two of the Ole Ball Coach means that the boys are going to be vastly improved. And don't forget that Mississippi State is flat out horrible and Sly Croom's seat should be getting hot if it isn't already.

Saturday September 2…the "let's bet to bet" games…

North Texas (+41.5) at Texas - If North Texas scores once, this is a good bet. I don't buy the idea that a kid - either Colt McCoy (great name for a TX QB) or Jevan Snead (horrible name for a TX QB) - who hasn't taken a single snap at the collegiate level can go out and hang 42 points on someone, no matter if that someone is North Texas. I like the Mean Green. Yes, North Texas' mascot is the Mean Green…just another reason to back them.

Vanderbilt (+26) at Michigan - Forget taking the points, take the Dores outright. Dores win, Lloyd Carr gets fired and publicly hung, Vandy goes on to win 12 straight, but lose a heartbreaker to North Texas in the BCS Championship. That's pretty much how the story goes. Back in reality, take the points. If the Dores are good at one thing, it's covering in games they aren't supposed to. Sure, Jay Cutler is no longer chucking the rock for Vanderbilt, but Chad Henne still is for Michigan. That means the Dores have a shot.

Syracuse at Wake Forest (-14.5) - Syracuse football makes me laugh. A few things to think about…Wake ain't bad, the 'Cuse aren't playing in the Dome, it's going to be hot as balls, and Syracuse went 1-10 last year. Any questions? Give the points, love the Deacons.

Utah at UCLA (-4.5) - I have no idea about this game but I'm taking the Bruins because I think Karl Dorrell is a good coach and the game is at the Rose Bowl. On the flip, the Utes are ranked #27 in the preseason AP Top 25. Consider this game a parlay addition.

Virginia (+3.5) at Pitt - The Dumb Dumb Bowl…Al Groh versus Dave Wannstedt. Talk about some overrated coaches. Groh underachieves every year but does just about enough to keep from getting fired while Wanny did his best last year to rewrite the book on how to get fired within a year of being hired. These two teams, and programs, are beyond disappointing. Putting all that junk aside, take the points and the Cavs. Wanny will find a way to F this game up.

Washington State (+15) at Auburn - Remember when Georgia Tech shocked Auburn last year in the season opener? That's the only reason I included this game on The Slate. I've got a weird gut feeling that the preseason #4 ranking and uber-hype surrounding the Tigers will have an adverse effect on team War Eagle. Not enough to lose, but enough to not be able to cover. You think I'm crazy, don't you? OK, but know that of Wazzou's 7 losses last year, 5 of them came by a total margin of 17 points - including L's to UCLA, Cal, ASU and Oregon. The Cougars are better than advertised. No, I'm not advocating the Pac-10. I just think this is an interesting take on an otherwise boring game.

Saturday September 2… the biggin's…

Cal at Tennessee (-2) - Lee Corso picked Cal to win the national championship. I'm not joking. Other than games at Autzen Stadium in Eugene, or maybe at the Colisuem, someone please tell me where the F the Golden Bear players will have ever played in an environment as tough as Neyland Stadium. Not to mention in the season opener. Nowhere, that's where. After going 5-6, do you think the Vols, and their witless Coach, will be fired up to show the nation that they are back playing traditional Volunteer football? Me too. Take the Vols. The Bugs Bunny Giant will be sheepishly grinning after this W.

USC (-9) at Arkansas - This game should be sponsored by www.question.com. How will the Trojans deal with the loss of Reggie, LenDale and the Pretty Boy? The Trojans had a 'Noles-esque number of offseason assaults, lockups, stabbings, and thefts. What effect will this have on the team's psyche? Does Pete Carroll still have control of his team? In Fayetteville, how good is Mitch Mustain? Is Mustain even going to start? Are the Hogs really worthy of being ranked #31 in the AP poll? Are they that improved from a 4-7 record last season including a 70-17 loss at USC? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. What I do know is that Vanderbilt won at Arkansas last year by 4 points. Forget the loss of the Big 3. Forget Mitch Mustain. Remember that the Trojans have a truck load of nasty players. Pete Carroll will have the defense tuned up. Take the Men of Troy and give the points.

Notre Dame (-7.5) at Georgia Tech - While this is definitely not a layup game for the Irish, the idea that Charlie Weis' brain is only favored by a touch and a hook is ludicrous. (That's 7.5 points for the uneducated.) I'm well aware that the Yellow Jackets shocked Auburn in the season opener last year, and beat the Canes during the regular season. I'm also aware that the combo of Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson is capable of putting up some points. But someone please tell me what army Tech coach Chan Gailey has on call to stop Weis' brain and Brady Quinn's arm from scoring 50 points? I still don't know what full name Chan is short for, but I do know that his Tech D gave up 38 points to Utah last year in the Emerald Bowl en route to a 38-10 drubbing. 38 points to the Utes? Uh oh. Love the Irish.

Sunday September 3…

Kentucky at Louisville (-22) - Unfortunately for Kentucky fans, the Wildcats are about to become the first victim of the 2006 Bobby Petrino/Brian Brohm offensive aerial assault. Remember that the Cards, and Brohm, had high expectations last year that were quickly debunked with an early punking at South Florida. Enter the 2006 season where the Cards are no longer the top dog in the Big East. The Cards are going to let out their frustrations on their in-state rival as they tuneup for September 16 when the Canes come to town. (Think Rick Pitino will be in the house for that one? Think ESPN will show him 73 times?) Cards in a rout.

Monday September 4…

Florida State at Miami (-3.5) - No comment, as usual.

For the record, I love the new Ruby Tuesday triple-prime burger song but will probably never have the triple-prime burger. I hate the fact that some German dude named Zygi Wilf had the audacity to change the Minnesota Vikings uniforms from one of the few remaining NFL classics to suits that look like they should be on the Jetson's. I'm amped for season 4 of The Wire. It's the best show on TV.

That's all I've got. It's good to be back.