The CSG needs to make up some ground...that's why he jumped from the operating table to the hardwood...check out Who Are These People?

On The Plate ... 1/19/06

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

…"Cause I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do, are you somewhere feeling lonely, is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue, but let me start by saying, I love you."

Goddamn, that smooth SOB Lionel Ritchie knows how to get to me. He wrote me the above in an email earlier this week. Homeboy was worried. He got word from T-Buck that the CSG has skidded on rough times recently. Sure, it was a little awkward when he asked "how to win my heart." But when friends are coping with life and death situations, emotions can run a bit wild. So when Lionel couldn't make it to the hospital to visit, he "thought he'd just let me know how much he missed me and the columns." (That's a direct quote from his email.) Now that, folks, is some fan appreciation. I actually owe T-Buck many propers because that dude has had my back from the onset of my personal roller coaster when I went down with a heart attack on New Year's Eve. Don't judge that book by the cover…yea, T-Buck is the cornerstone of the 7th Floor Crew and, yea, T-Buck likes to get raw…but that boy has a heart of gold. I would know. Who sat with me in the hospital in the District on New Year's Eve? T-Buck. That's who. And I don't even want to tell you what that dude had planned in Southeast with Southeast Jerome. Man, Romey Rome had the spot hooked up like a Juelz Santana video, yet T-Buck rolled with the CSG to make sure my aorta was properly stretched and that I was hyperventilating properly. Proper like they teach you in life guard school. For the record, T-Buck was not concerned that I was in fact hyperventilating. He just wanted to make sure I was doing it by the book. You see, T-Buck used to be beach life guard in the MIA, pseudo Baywatch-style. That boy knows, and respects, beach etiquette, including hyperventilation. T-Buck…my f'ing boy.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm back in the mix after two heart attacks, some time under the knife, a few anxiety attacks, kidney failure and an irregular heartbeat. It's all good. Yea, some serious medical attention was needed, and yea, the kid is dying, but nobody is too worried. At least not yet. So there it go.

I want to thank everyone for the "get well" emails. They really meant a lot to me. I want to say to those of you who sent me "where the F is a new column" emails that you are now dead to me. Happy New Year.

Can someone please tell me what accent Ted Ferguson has? Is it Philly? Is it Ohio? Pittsburgh? Delaware, perhaps? For God's sake, is it Baltimore? Yes, Ted Ferguson's accent has me that confused that I can't even tell if that stupid bastard has a long-O or not. Someone help me please.

My new favorite sideline reporter? Erin Andrews. Her sidelines at the Orange Bowl to sidelines in Champagne, IL for the Spartans at Illini is one of the greatest back-to-back runs ever accomplished in sideline reporting history. And she's a biscuit. Speaking of Badgers at Buckeyes, how do I feel about Brent Musberger calling Big Ten hoops games? Let's just put it this way…I wouldn't have it any other way. The Musberger/Lavin combination may make you exponentially dumber, but it's fantastic listening nonetheless. Why? Because Musberger calls a hoop game like a GD football game. And it's dumbfoundingly glorious.

When I was lying on the operating room table last Monday, I laid some stuff out for T-Buck just in case I didn't make it through the liver transplant operation. Here's an updated version of what I hit him with…

I hate Texas. I'm over Vince Young. People realize that USC's defense sucked, right? And that it sucked all year long, right? Have people figured out that USC lost that game as compared to Texas winning it? I hope so. I'm don't want to take anything away from Vince. Dude was insane, but enough already. Sports Illustrated…please stop advertising the "free with subscription Texas National Championship package." After Reggie Bush made that pitch, he was totally waggish. And LenDale White turned into a GD genius. Matt Leinart proved he was a little bitch with his whiny post-game comments. I might hate Texas, but I hate the Trojans just as much. Seeing Leinart lose his last game was a jumbo slice of happiness pie. Ramonce Taylor. Inverse romance? Exactly. I'm not sure what inverse romance is, but I think I respect it. I'm not upset about the 'Noles loss in the Orange Bowl. At OT #2, I was actually rooting for Joe Pa to get the W. Probably would mean more to him than Bobby. I know I didn't care. I am, however, upset that Ernie Sims and Antonio Cromartie are going pro. With them, the 'Noles D would be illified next year. Ohio State had more athletes than Notre Dame. Period. Weis outdone by Tressel? Indeed. My buddy Randall told me something funny…"3 losses at Notre Dame gets Charlie Weis a huge contract extension. At Miami, it gets 4 coaches fired." Touché, but I'm pretty sure getting skinned alive by the Bayou Bengals had something to do with the cannings as well. West Virginia is my new favorite football team for the 2006 season. Why? Steve Slaton, Pat White and the fact that West Virginia fans order pitchers of beer per person. It's the most economical way to get drunk. Michigan, Minnesota, South Carolina, and Georgia Tech can all burn in hell for completely f'ing my bowl confidence pick'em pool. Former Boise State head coach, and now Colorado head coach, Dan Hawkins looks exactly like Gary Busey in Point Break. Why did Keith Jackson and Dan f'ing Fouts call the Rose Bowl? Where the F was Money Brad Nessler and Money Bob Griese? I don't care that Nessler and Griese did the Sugar Bowl. They needed to be on the Rose Bowl too. Look, Keith Jackson is great. "Whoa nelly!" and Gatorade commercials are amusing. But the dude has no idea what the F is going on during the game. For example…

Jackson: "Ball's loose. We've got a fumble." Fouts: "Actually, Keith, the refs are signaling a touchdown."

The above is about the only thing that Fouts is good for…correcting Keith. Original thoughts from Fouts' are borderline retarded. It seems like football has been over for a year. And I'm good with it.

I hate Duke. Duke gets every call in Cameron. For the record, Duke is NOT that good. More on this in a later column. Why does Lee Melchionni yell so much? The ACC blows. BC? A joke. One of the top disappointments in the country thus far. But was BC really any good last year? They didn't make the 16, and their regular season schedule was less filling. Just goes to show that the folks who do preseason rankings are absolutely clueless. Maryland? A joke. What is the over/under on Gary Williams pulling a Larry Eustachy one of these days? If the Terps keep struggling, I'm putting the O/u at July 4, 2006. Wake Forest? A joke. Eric Williams' mama might want to think about trading in that "Eric Williams' Mom" bumble-bee colored shirt that she rocks in the stands while her boy is on the court getting punked. UNC? A miracle, thanks to Roy's hooped out brain. NC State? Solid. Cedric Simmons is a star in the making. And Herbie Sendek can coach 'em. The Pack should have won at Duke on Wednesday night. However, even without Julius Hodge, the mighty Wolves reverted back to being the DTA. And that I appreciate.

The Big Feast…absolutely crushing. From the top…UConn is as gangsta gangsta as a team gets. Straight up thugs. And no, I'm not yet in the Jay Bilas camp that touts the Huskies as the team to beat. Why? Because "big mouth no play" Rashad Anderson will not have games like he did against the 'Cuse come March. And when nothing is falling for the Huskies from outside, they are just another team filled with 6'11 killers who all want the ball. Has anybody seen Rudy Gay? He's hiding, right? Jim Calhoun is absolutely insane. The older he gets the more he reminds me of the General Robert Montgomery Knight. Is there any doubt that Jamie Dixon was the right choice to succeed Ben Howland at Pitt? As is the norm, the Panthers are playing typical "punch you in your face" Pitt basketball en route to a quiet 15-0. Name the most dangerous team in the country. West Virginia. Correct. They're really good. Do you think Rick Pitino is happy he joined the Big East? Yes, but not with his current 1-3 Big East record. Pitino keeps chirping about how young and inexperienced his lads are, but the last time I checked Pitino still had senior Taquan-Doe, junior Brandon Jenkins, and experienced sophomores Juan Palacios and David Padgett. Sorry, Rick, I'm selling your "we're very young" chatter as an excuse for dropping one in MSG to the Johnnies. Two more things about the Cards, for the record…1) Taquan's ineptness becomes glaring without Francisco Garcia to bail him out; 2) Why would the Cards get new uniforms after going to the Final Four? Wouldn't you want to stick with the same suits? I bet you the powers that be in Luh-ville are wishing they hadn't changed them now. Syracuse sucks. Does anyone else realize this? Of course, now that I've written this, they will murder my beloved 'Cats this Saturday at the Wachovia Center in Philly. Speaking of the 'Cats, I have 3 thoughts…1) They make me painfully nervous, which does not help my heart attacks, anxiety attacks, hyperventilation and irregular heartbeat; 2) Losing to Texas was painful. Why? Immediately after the game jackasses started chirping about how tough Texas and its D is, but failed to realize that Foye and Ray shot a combined 5-23 from behind the arc. And the looks they got were beyond good. If they make half of those shots, 'Nova rolls the 'Horns; 3) I am no longer watching any more 'Nova games. Why? I turned off the Seton Hall game when the 'Cats were down 10 in the first half. 'Cats win by 9. Enough said.

Did you know that if you Google the term "Mac-10" you'll find the following example of how to use "Mac-10" in a sentence on Urbandictionary.com…"Roll up in something tinted, pull out the Mac-10 and dump everything in it." Yep, that pretty much is how you use Mac-10 in a sentence. I decided I'm going to make a rap album pretty soon. I'm flirting with "Straight Outta Rosslyn" as the title.

How f'ing awesome is the Orange Crush at Assembly Hall in Champagne? So awesome that the brilliance of the orange makes it difficult for my Dad to watch games at Illinois. Yep, the orange flips that boy's rods and cones for real. Dee Brown defines college hoops classy...that dude styles. At some point people have to start giving Bo Ryan his proper dues, right? How underrated are the Badgers every year? Painfully. You want to know what else is painful? Wisconsin's new uniforms. The white stripe across the back of the shorts is atrocious. Iowa's collapse is imminent. Case in point…last night's 3 OT W at home over the Golden Gophers. How's this for a tough 4-game opening stretch of conference play…at Illinois, at Wisconsin, Indiana, at Ohio State? Brutal. That was Team Izzo's first two weeks of '06 Big Ten chores. How do you know they fared OK? Because Izzo hasn't gone on a random killing spree, although he is close to going over the edge at 2-2. It'll be OK, Tom. Just breathe. Poor DJ White. Poor Hoosier faithful. I mean it. The White-Killingsworth low-post combination play would have been worth paying to see in the Big Ten. And unfortunately, the only glimpse we'll ever get was a short-lived one earlier this year against Michigan and Ohio State with a not fully healthy DJ White. Do you think the folks in Columbus are happy that they hired Thad Matta? Indeed. Everytime I see Terence Dials, I think of Lawrence Funderburke. And if you are a Buckeyes fan, that's a great f'ing thing.

Kansas won't make the tournament. You know the Big 12 is despicable when Nebraska is happily sitting in third place after three games. Hey, guess what? The Sooners were way way way overrated when the season began...they already have two Big 12 L's to Nebraska and Mizzou and a 1-point W over the Aggies. Ouch, my 'Nova W over the Sooners hurts. Bobby Knight should retire. When his teams aren't any good, he's a f'ing nuisance. Bill Self should find a tall building and jump off of it. Why? Roy Williams has a more inexperienced, less talented team yet is ranked #24 whereas the Jayhawks are a miserable, I mean miserable, 10-6, 1-2 in the weak-ass Big 12 with a loaded crop of freshman. Bill Self is in the midst of his third year at Kansas. Roy Williams is in the midst of his third year at UNC. Bill Self lost in the first round of the tournament last year, and this year the Jayhawks were unranked for the first time in 15 years in the AP preseason poll. On the other hand, Roy Williams cut down the nets in St. Louis last year and has a team full of average-at-best players ranked and battling for second in the ACC behind #1 Duke. Need any more reasons to find that tall building? Oh yea, and F Texas.

Kentucky won't make the tournament. Hilarious. Goodbye Tubby. After last night's loss at home to South Carolina, I've decided that Vanderbilt won't win another game this season. Yep, 2-14 in the SEC. That's impressive. And no, I'm not impressed or even happy that the mighty Dores beat those miserable F's from Kentucky in Rupp this year. Frankly, the Dores have been so close in prior years against exponentially better Wildcat teams that I feel the win this year is like a consolation prize. Especially, because we only won by 5. There is really nothing else to discuss in the SEC. Tennessee is good but I hate them so I won't write about them. Florida too. Actually Florida is no good. Who have they played? No one, that's who. Sure, they're 17-0, but their "money" W's are over Wake Forest and Syracuse in the Coaches vs. Cancer Classic. Weak. The SEC West? The comedy store.

How many GD questions have I asked in this ridiculous column? Too many.

Oh, I almost forgot…I laugh at the Pac 10. No questions needed there.

So that's pretty much everything I told T-Buck including some tidbits from more recent action I caught while recovering at my apartment over the past week. Thankfully the operation and various procedures I endured are showing signs of preliminary success. My new mind, body and soul couldn't be any happier to be back in the mix for tonight's unimpressive games…UNC at UVA in the "I remember when Harold Deane and Junior Burrough used to beat the Tarheels" game and Cincinnati at Xavier in the fisticuffs known as the "Crosstown Shootout without Huggy Bear and Thad."

In other words, it's time for the CSG to get his game face on. Stay tuned.