On The Plate ... 12/28/05

I Enjoy Sun Devilettes

When I say happiness pie, what do you think of? Exactly. The week between Christmas and New Years. Who doesn't love this week? Anybody? If you don't, you better get on the next plane to Kandahar because I want none of your lip f'ing up my money week. On the real, everybody likes the Christmas to New Years run. I mean how can you not? Everyone takes it easy, everyone is happy, everything goes s-l-o-w slow, and football comes on the tube everyday at 4:30. Frankly, it's really not even a week. Yea, it might be a week on the calendar, but I like to think of these days as a few retarded days in between two long weekends. And when I say retarded, I mean glorious. I said Halleluiah. Missy Elliott said "holla." Either way, the week is on point, as the kids say these days.

To translate, the week is unstoppable. How unstoppable you ask? Unstoppable enough to have my boys Brent Musberger and Gary Danielson calling a game on a Tuesday night. Yep yep, you know it…the f'ing Insight Bowl live from Phoenix, AZ. A matchup of giants…Rutgers versus Arizona State. Guess who loves this junk? That's right. Why? For one, I love bowls. They are splendid fillers between Christmas and the games that really matter once the New Year shows its face. For two, they give folks a great reason to pour a few Dale Jr's into their bellies at 4:30 on a Wednesday. For three, I'm in one of those bowl confidence pick'em pools where you rank each bowl based on how confident you are with the outcome. Well, thank you Insight Bowl, you've made my Tuesday night a gem. Why? Because I've got 25 points (the fourth highest point amount) on the Sun Devils who are getting their asses handed to them by the University of New Jersey. Yes, at the moment, Rutgers is dominating ASU, and leads 24-17 at the half. Thus far, I'm 8-for-8 in the pick'em and honestly would like to go undefeated. Rutgers, however, is once again doing its best to totally F me. And I just can't have that. So in order try and flip my fortune, I'm going live from the CSG couch for the second half. Obviously. Get me in that mix…

"
• What is Insight? Who is Insight? Has anyone ever heard of Insight? I find it amusing that I've been watching the entire game and haven't seen one Insight ad. I hate Insight. "
• If Rutgers can score at will on ASU and USC was down 21-3 at the half to ASU, what does this mean for Texas in the Rose Bowl? I don't know. I'm really f'ing confused. The Sun Devils were 10 point favorites. "
• Sun Devils biscuits are the real f'ing deal. And I'm talking about the biscuits in the stands. Not that the sideline biscuitation ain't got the goods. But them Devilettes up in the stands who have had a few Vodka-Mountain Dews are straight up filthy nice. What's the going rate on four more years of eligibility in Tempe? Someone has to know this. "
• OK, so James Gandolfini went to Rutgers. Great. Can we please stop with the Tony Soprano jokes? It's not funny. In fact, it's nauseating me. "
• I take that back. If Gandolfini chatter leads to exchanges like the following, I'm all for it…"How about Queen Latifah? She can get it on." - Jack Arute to Musberger and Danielson after telling them that Latifah is a Rutgers grad as well. There is brilliance, and then there is brilliance. "
• How money is Sparky the Sun Devil? I need one of those masks. The mustache makes the mask. (Speaking of mustaches, how about Adam Morrison getting up in the Cadillac grills of the Memphis banditos. I thought "Futurama Bird" was going to throw a blow. That cat is so f'ing solid.) "
• "You sound like Jeff Reardon. You didn't take your medicine." - Lou Holtz to Mark May at halftime. Two minutes after Rece Davis recapped Reardon's arrest, Holtz hits the studio with this gem. Absolute sheer genius. "
• Yup, there it is. Touchdown Sun Devils. Tied at 24. And yup, there it is. The first Insight ad. I still have no idea what they do. All I know is that they're "computer people" and that frightens me. "
• True or False? The ASU special teams coach knew he was on national television yet had no problem reiterating the statement "That was a f'ed up call!" three times directly into the camera. "
• I can't believe that Rudy Carpenter is a redshirt freshman. He wouldn't even be playing in this game if my boy Sam Keller hadn't gotten hurt. Sam better get fixed real quick because Rudy C, and his cannon of an arm, are doing their best to supplant Sam in '06. "
• Derek Hagan is gonna catch a lot of balls on Sundays. "
• How did Jimmy Kimmel ever get on TV? He's such a f'ing jackass. Did you see his interview with Brent and Gary? Did you like how Kimmel was wearing his hat? He was wearing it like I used to wear my little league hats when I was 9 in 1987, aka like a f'ing clown. In all honesty, does anyone think that Jimmy Kimmel is funny? "
• The tailbacks in this game have been sick…Ray Rice and Brian Leonard for the Scarlet Knights and Rudy Burgess and Keegan Herring for the Diablos del Sol. Anytime one of them gets a carry they go for at least 8 yards. It's like watching a videogame. "
• Look at the Rut sluts! Girls Gone Wild is back in Tempe? Actually, I'm not so sure GGW ever left Tempe. "
• 33-31 Rutgers early in the fourth quarter. Rutgers kicker Jeremy Ito, who Musberger called Cary, just hit a 52-yarder and a 48-yarder. I am not enjoying this. "
• I respect how the Insight Bowl rocks the end zone paint down the sidelines towards mid-field. I've always thought that this look was strong. "
• "Don't be touching my knees." - Danielson to Musberger regarding what was an apparent knee-injury to ASU's tight end Zach Miller. Yep, the world has gone completely insane…Gary f'ing Danielson is saying things like "Don't be touching my knees." "
• This is the greatest bowl game ever. F the Rose Bowl. I've been on the edge of my seat all game long. Chase Stadium (the horrendous name for the Diamondbacks ballfield) was just rocking for a long Rutgers 3rd down. Apparently the Sun Devil fans do care about this game. Proper dues to all of the Rutgers folks in the hacienda too. Then again, if your alma mater was the Rut and they were playing in their first bowl game in 27 years and the game was being played in Phoenix, wouldn't you go? Yep. There should be a lot more Scarlet Knights fans in the joint. This showing is despicable. "
• This GD game is driving me crazy. Five minutes ago it was over. Now, Rutgers has cut the GD lead to 5 and has an on-side kick en route. I hate this. "
• I love this. Sun Devils win. CSG now 9-0. I am a golden god.

2 comments on 2 games I haven't commented on…

Memphis 38, Akron 31 - Regarding DeAngelo Williams 30 rushes for 233 yards and 3 TD performance, my brother put it perfectly… "there's a 'De' in the front of his name, an 'O' at the end of his name and an 'Angel' in the middle. Homeboy got wings. That dude is f'ing good." Yea, he is…a record 34 career 100-yard games, 4th on the all-time D-I rushing list behind Ron Dayne, Ricky Williams and Tony Dorsett, and 1st all time in all-purpose yards with 7,568. He's the next LaDainian Tomlinson. Mid-major school to big hype to Pro Bowl.

Clemson 19, Colorado 10 - An absolute pain to watch. That's all I have to say about that.

Bowl Week on the Slate…

Wednesday…

MPC Computers Bowl: Boise State at Boston College (-3) - It's funny that BC is tagged as the "home team" in this game. Why? Because the MPC Bowl is played in Bronco Stadium, home of the Boise State Broncos. Now, who is the home team? BSU has won 31 straight at home and is intent on keeping the streak intact especially in what will be Dan Hawkins last game as Bronco head coach before heading to Boulder to play a game of Jesus waking Lazarus. Kind of crazy that his last game, a bowl game, is at home, huh? Indeed, but I'm not so sure Coach Hawkins likes it. Why? Because I think Coach Hawkins thinks that BC is going to be real tough to beat. And so do I. Despite all of my criticism of the Eagles, BC finished with two very impressive wins - a 30-10 W over NC State and a 31-16 W at Maryland. And BC is pissed at the bowl selection outcome because they finished 8-3, tied for first in the Atlantic Division of the ACC with FSU, but got shipped out west to Boise. In other words, they feel a little disrespected. Home winning streak emotion versus "F you bowls" emotion. A tough matchup. But here's the kicker…this Boise State team is not the Boise State team of the past few years. Yea, they're still dangerous on offense, but they aren't scary on offense. And they don't seem to be as tough as past Bronco squads. If Fresno State can hold them to 7 points, I think BC can hold them to 7 points even on the blue turf. This game will be ugly but BC will use its size to dominate the line of scrimmage. I like the Eagles minus three. That was way too much to write about the MPC Computers Bowl. I need to relack.

Alamo Bowl: Michigan (-11) at Nebraska - In my confidence pool, this one got 27 points. Do I really need to explain why? If that SOB Shotgun Billy Callahan gets the sweet-ass idea of motivating the Blackshirts to play some staunch defense, I'm going to be so GD pissed. Michigan better annihilate them.

Thursday…

Emerald Bowl: Utah at Georgia Tech (-9) - The Mayor once asked me this very simple, yet curt, question after I had spouted some lyrical nonsense about Utah football: "What the F do you know about Utah football?" My answer: "Absolutely nothing. But I do know that they play in the Mountain West Conference. And the MWC sucks." Truth. To that point, I see no rational reason why a 5-loss Ute team should have any chance of hanging with a team that in its last two games of the season beat Miami in the OB and lost by 7 to Georgia on a late touch. L-O-V-E the Jackets.

Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma (+3.5) at Oregon - This is every TV monkey's favorite upset special. And although I'm not on TV, at least not yet, it's my favorite upset special too. Why? Three reasons…1) Oregon doesn't want to be in San Diego. They want to be in Tempe for the Fiesta Bowl. They feel like they got snubbed by the BCS. Boo-hoo. Remember what Cal did last year in the Holiday Bowl after bitching about not being in the BCS? Yep, they got punked by Texas Tech. See any similarities between that game and this one? Me too. 2) The Pac 10 is weak, aka no D and too much finesse. Did you see what Rutgers did to ASU in the trenches? They beat them silly. And I'm pretty sure that Oklahoma is a bit bigger, stronger and talented than Rutgers. OU should be able to dictate the game's flow by playing Big 12 power football, aka running a healthy Adrian Peterson down the Ducks throats. 3) I think the OU defense is beginning to find its youthful swagger. In my mind, the Sooners beat Texas Tech in Lubbock…I discount the blown call on the last play of the game that gave TT a touchdown and the win. Prior to that f'ed up TD, OU had the Red Raiders beat, and only gave up 16 points. Holding Texas Tech to 16 points in their house is no joke. One week later, the Sooners dogged Okie State 42-14. I really think this game could prove to be a springboard for the Sooners into 2006. '05 was a tough year in Norman. A win over a BCS-worthy opponent is exactly what Bob Stoops is preaching as his kids head into the offseason. That being said, I'd take the points and the Sooners. I think it's gonna be close on the scoreboard but a beating in the trenches.

Friday…

Music City Bowl: Virginia at Minnesota (-5) - There are only three reasons to watch this game…1) Watching Laurence Maroney and the Gophers vicious running attack; 2) Watching Laurence Maroney and the Gophers vicious running attack run all over the Cavaliers; 3) Catching a glimpse of the Batman building in downtown Nashville. UVA doesn't want to be in Nashville, the Gophers do. I like the Gophers in a borderline route.

Sun Bowl: Northwestern (+3) at UCLA - OK, everyone knows that there is going to be a boatload of points scored in this game. The Wildcats rank 8th in the country in total offense while the Bruins rank 24th. On the flipside, Northwestern has the worst ranked defense in D-I, while UCLA cashes in with the 7th worst D. Points, points, and more points. Great. So what's the catch? Whoever has the ball last wins? Maybe. The 'Cats will undoubtedly be able to run the ball on UCLA with their tailback Tyrell Sutton who finished sixth in the nation in rushing. Remember that UCLA gave up 320 rushing yards at Arizona. Ouch. To my knowledge, Northwestern didn't give up any rushing stats like that this year. Sure, UCLA will have some success on the ground too, but will that success, like I foresee Northwestern's, be enough to own some clock? I don't think so. UCLA will score in bunches through the air. Northwestern will score in bunches through the air and on the ground. And by being able to run some clock on the ground, I think Northwestern has an advantage in the time of possession game. And that's why I like Northwestern. Crazy? Sure. But in a gunfight, anything goes.

Independence Bowl: Missouri at South Carolina (-4.5) - How did Missouri make a bowl? Did I miss something here? How long has Brad Smith been at Mizzou? And why have they underachieved every year he's been QB? For God's sake, Smith threw for 2,000 yards and ran for 1,000 in each of the last two seasons. Ain't no one else done that jazz. And yet the Tigers still have been miserable. If I were the Mizzou AD, I do a double ginsu chop on both football coach Gary Pinkel and hoops coach Quin Snyder. Clean house. Start over. Missouri is a sports joke. After saying all of that and knowing that Steve Spurrier will be lurking on the opposite sideline from Pinkel, do I really need to tell you who I like in this game? Reserve me a car on the Cockaboose and let's have some f'ing fun.

Peach Bowl: LSU at Miami (-7) - I was initially so intrigued by this game that I was going to write a whole separate column on it. Then word came down from the heavens that LSU QB JaMarcus Russell was officially not making the trip to Hotlantica. Now this game is only getting a few more sentences, and one of them will be a joke. What will be greater: the number of future NFL players on the field in this game or the number of parole officers on the sidelines? Seriously, for all of the hype that this game is getting, I think many people are overlooking the obvious…both defenses are silly good and both offenses painfully underachieve. In other words, this game will have all of the speed, big hitting, and woofing as advertised but the final score is going to be something like 13-3 because TD's will be insanely hard to come by. To put it another way, if you liked the numbing Miami/FSU games of the past 2 years, tune in to the Peach Bowl because it will be pretty similar. To that point, without JaMarcus Russell in uniform for the Bayou Bengals, I like the Canes. I'm not so sure the Tigers are going to score. Honestly.

Coming round the bend…Saturday's Slate picks, the Shot Hear Round the World: Alexis Glick's triumphant return to CNBC and why I'd be glad to offer Mack Brown a seat in the electric chair Texas-style.