On The Plate ... 12/21/05

Hee Haw Hee

Welcome to Donkey World! Grab a beverage and take a seat because it's Monday Night, we're with Al and Jabba live from Charm City and the 3-10 Packers are playing the 4-9 Ray Rays. In other words, strap in for Donkey Fest. Enjoy. It only comes in this fine packaging once, maybe twice, per year.

Do you have any idea how badly Al, John, the ABC crew, the cameramen, basically everyone associated with this game, even the Packers, don't want to be in Charm City right now? BADLY. But at least it isn't Christmas night. That would suck to play in Charm City on Christmas night, wouldn't it? Oh, sorry Vikings. Merry Christmas, welcome to the "City That Reads", aka the Terrordome. Next Sunday, Christmas night, a showdown between purple juggernauts. Yikes.

For the record, I can't listen to Al and Jabba go over the minutiae of the Raven's demise…the excuses, the explanations, the injuries, the whining, the crying, the bitching, etc. It numbs me.

Look, let's get some things straight here. We can read. We've got charm. Hell, we're the greatest city in America. (At least according to our bus stop benches we are.) In other words, we are 3-for-3 in necessities to being a money ding ding city. If we're 3-for-3 in the MDD categories, then why the F can't Baltimore get some junk straight when it comes to their sports teams. It's f'ing brutal. If you are a patron of the fine City of Charm, you are ouching real bad these days. And not because you just caught a screwdriver to the left kidney at an ATM machine. The Ray Rays are a neverending pathetic discussion and the Birds offseason strutting is straight up laughable. And, man, this stings. Bad. Kind of like screwdriver to kidney.

Is it blasphemy to say that I am sick of all chatter regarding the Ravens? If you ever have an itch to get dumber, read the Baltimore Sun after a Ravens game…those SOBs will melt your f'ing brain. Billick this, Boller that, Jamal up, Biscotti down…shoot me please. Someone, anyone, everyone…just say that the Ravens suck. It's no one's fault. It's everyone's fault. They blow. They have so many characters, so many deficiencies, so many agonies, so many inconsistencies, so many hilarities that, at a certain point, it makes sense to just let it be. Even Ray Ray know. Homeboy quit after six games. Hurt? Hell naw. Dude quit. Ray Ray knew the season was an inevitable disaster after the Ravens imitated Menace 2 Society thugs in Detroit. Two games later who had a "hamstring injury"? Ray. Do I respect Ray's injury? F no, it's disgraceful. But that's how the Ravens operate. And when Ray Ray went "down," aka quit, that should have been all Ray Ray fans needed to hear…the season was over.

Should the Ray Rays fire Billick? I don't know. Is one season worth an axing? Probably not. But is 7 years of offensive futility a reason for change? Probably yes. However, if they do punk Billick, they should also let the following people go…Jamal (because we already have enough inmates, he's no good, and he doesn't want to be here anymore), McAlister (because he is overpaid, he's no good, and he thinks he's money), the offensive line (including that overpaid oaf Ogden, because they couldn't block cinder blocks), Dale Carter (because I'm done with the elderly unless…), and Deion (…they dance, and Deion don't dance no mo'.) You see…the way I look at it is the whole combination of the above, aka the circus, is the reason the Ray Rays suck. What about Boller? Is he hopeless or does he never have enough time to throw? Again, I don't know. You tell me. Either way, I want to keep him because I'm gonna miss that confused, hyper-active SOB if we let him go…and I'm painfully afraid that we'll let him go and he'll become poor man's Tom Brady. And that I can't handle.

Ten observations from the game that has gotten out of hand early…(I am enjoying myself)…

1. Boller looks like Montana. I don't know what this means. Is Green Bay's defense awful or did Boller finally eat a few valiums before kickoff? His performance is scary good.
2. Jamal Lewis enjoys running in place. Moving forward is not his thing anymore. And who can blame him…I mean when you are in prison I bet you are constantly told to "walk forward, move ahead, etc." He's probably just sick of it. Just an observation.
3. I love the fact that I've never heard of three of the guys who started for the Ravens on the O-line. Other than Ogden and Mulitalo, I'm clueless. Hmmm, new guys on the line, Boller is playing out of his gourd, and the Ray Rays are scoring TDs…maybe this is all related. Just maybe.
4. HEAP!
5. Samari Rolle's imitation of the Deion dance after his interception brought a tear to my eye. I straight up wept after Deion got his interception. If he had danced, I would have called in sick tomorrow.
6. You know the Ravens are feeling the flow when Edwin Mulitalo gets to do an end zone "dance". I gotta give it up…his shot-put throw was money.
7. Why didn't we use Mark Clayton more earlier? I mean I'm amped that he's getting the ball now that we are 4-9, but we probably could have used his electricity a wee bit earlier in the season.
8. Favre wants to go home.
9. The Ray Ray might look like murderers in their all-black suits, but at least they look like sharp murderers.
10. There's a high probability that the fat guys who write for the Baltimore Sun - you know the ones whose faces barely fit in the little face boxes - will say that the Ravens 1) got lucky, 2) beat up on a horrible team 3) still blow 4) should hang Billick and 5) shoot Boller. And you know what…maybe all of that is true…but after a W like this…just f'ing enjoy it and shut the F up. For once.

Rotate your brain…

The Orioles are the real reason for my "What the F, B-more?" feelings…anything and everything having to do with the "Tejada wants out of Baltimore" has given me some money internal hemorrhaging. Hey, but you know me, I love a good bloodletting. Can someone please answer this simple question: why the F haven't the Orioles shut down any and all talks/negotiations/whispers/ass-grabbing/whatever regarding Tejada's availability? Why haven't they? No really, why? Mike Flanagan looks like he wants to hang himself. And honestly he should. Not only haven't we made any GD move for a veteran pitcher, but we let BJ Surhoff go (again), picked up a catcher named Ramon for way too much money and have our franchise player chirping about wanting to leave. Now that's great offseason work. What the F did BJ ever do but be a quality utility player for us? Is that so f'ing bad? And where the F is Geronimo Gil when you need him? "Two G equals two H's" was the money. I mean if we're going to suck, let's at least suck with some guys with funny names and solid music when they come up to bat. Hey, I have an idea…why don't we make an obscene contract offer to Jeff Conine (I can't believe this is actually happening)? F yea, and while we're at it maybe Mike Devereaux is available. For the love of all things holy, what the F is going on in the O's front office? We are the King Donkeys of winter meetings, trade talks, free agency, whatever. And it's slowly killing me.

Speaking of Donkeys…I'm one for punking the SEC…

How about the smattering of curbings let loose on the hardwood this past weekend? And how about the dude doing the curbing? Is "Who Dey" and "Woo Dat Dude" Gullah? I love Gullah. Speaking of Gullah, dat dude doing the curbing was the SEC. Say what? Yea, I'm confused too. Not by the Gullah, but by the dude. Got it? Good. We all knew that the SEC would rise up. Why? Because I punked on the SEC in my last column. Remember, whatever I say definitely does not go. For example, I think the term I used to describe Kentucky was "suck." Well, they sure didn't look like they sucked after handling Pitino & Co. But then again, I did say that U of L was way overrated coming into this game. So I guess my retardation was a push in this one.

(For the record, John Madden is now calling Terrell Suggs "T-Sizzle" on national TV. This is now officially the happiest day of my life, Suggs life and 47,000 Baltimore rednecks' lives.)

Remember when I jumped on 'Bama after they got throttled by Temple? Tide fans can pat their Alabama brethren on the back after Auburn paid the Owls back with a 31 point stomping. I'm not so sure that "pat" will happen, but I gotta try. For the record, I got a new Virginia license last week and gave them Antywane as my middle name. I tried to have it slip through the "system" cracks. It didn't work.

Quick hitters…

1. Is it time to panic in Austin? Maybe. After Duke beat the 'Horns by 30 in NYC, the Bugs Bunny Giant's alma mater rolled through 'Horn country and hung a 17-point L on Rick Barnes and his "Final Four contenders." Are they contenders? Maybe not. They look lost to me. The real bad news from this game is that Tennessee looked wicked good. Remember when I asked if it was too early to say Vandy was going to win the SEC East? Well, apparently, yes it was. The Vols officially scared me silly.
2. Want to hear something funny…I told several people that DePaul plus-8 points at Old Dominion was an absolute lock. After all, the Blue Demons had just beaten Wake at Wake. Right. ODU won, and covered. By how much? They covered by 34 points. That's right…DePaul lost by 42. Nice bet, CSG.
3. For all of the fools saying how money Michigan was after beating Notre Dame, I hope the UCLA loss in Ann Arbor was humbling. Michigan still has a long way to go before they get any positive ink on this website.
4. You can stop holding your breath (so can I)… UNLV beat Texas Tech in the Las Vegas Shootout to end their 5-game losing streak. Lon Kruger's Rebels are now 3-5, but the five L's came to Nevada at home and then four tough tests on the road - Oklahoma State, Oregon State, Hawaii and Minnesota. Lon is learning about the toughness of his squad early. Beating the General in Vegas definitely helps.
5. And somewhere in Tucson, AZ, Hassan Adams was getting into some trouble by having an awesome fight-dancing competition…According to the Daily Wildcat…"Officers went to the apartment complex Sunday after receiving complaints of loud noise, and found at least 200 people in the parking lot, some 'dancing on cars' and 'consuming alcohol.' A police helicopter reported 'several people were possibly fighting in the center of the crowd,' the report stated." The combination of dancing and fighting kills me. It's genius. In case you didn't catch it on ESPN Classic last Saturday afternoon, they were showing reruns of when the PartyBoy won the 1999 Boise Open DanceFighting Championship. A special moment in American sports history. And yes, I refuse to discuss his performance in Seoul for the 2004 EHC (Eastern Hemisphere Championships). We all know he had spinal meningitis. Back off.

For the record, if you add up all of my asinine betting suggestions throughout the year, I had a 47-38 record during the regular season. Personally, I think that's pretty money. It's a shame that all of the bets I actually put on were losers. I plan on changing my evil ways in the Donkey Bowls….

New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss (-17) at Arkansas State - I've been waiting years for this rematch. Frankly, I can't contain myself. In fact, I'm so GD giddy that I keep blacking out. A damn shame. I mean this in the nicest way, but if this is the New Orleans Bowl, and New Orleans doesn't exist anymore, where are they playing this game? I've got $10 on Shreveport. On the real, Vegas loves the Golden Eagles. That sounds good to me.

GMAC Bowl: Toledo (-3) at UTEP - 3 fun facts…1) Mike Price is a GD genius for taking the once dire Miners to their second straight Bowl game. If the Miners win, they would end their season with a W for the first time in 18 seasons. 2) Jordan Palmer, UTEP QB, is Carson Palmer's little brother. While he couldn't carry the jockstrap of his older brother, young Jordan is still pretty good. 3) The Rockets hail from the MAC, and MAC teams are 4-0 in the GMAC Bowl. So what does all of this mean? Frankly, nothing. All I know is that the MAC is a much tougher conference than the depleted Conference USA. Rockets minus 3? Sure.

Las Vegas Bowl: BYU at Cal (-7.5) - When both teams suck, I like to ask myself a simple question: which team gets better athletes? Cal or BYU? Cal does. So there it is. I'm betting Cal. It's just that simple.

Poinsettia Bowl: Colorado State at Navy (-3) - Never bet with your heart. Absolutely GD right. Wrong. Navy hasn't beaten anyone worth a damn this year. And that's precisely why I'm betting on them in this one. I love the Middies. And Colorado State is a joke, aka not worth a damn, aka beatable.

Fort Worth Bowl: Kansas (-3) at Houston - A Bill Self versus Tom Penders matchup would have me giddy. A Mark Mangino versus Art Briles matchup confuses me. But not too much. All I need to know about Houston is that I know nothing about Houston, except that they play in Conference USA. All I need to know about Kansas is that they won three of their last four games to become bowl eligible. The three wins? Missouri, Nebraska and Iowa State. Extraordinary W's? Not really. Better than Houston? Indeed. Give the points, run with Mangino.

Hawaii Bowl: Nevada (-2) at UCF - I thought Hawaii always played in the Hawaii Bowl?!? This is totally against everything I believe in. I didn't even know Nevada had a football team until they beat Fresno after Thanksgiving. Does anybody doubt that George O' Leary is a good football coach? OK, so he may have upped his personal stats on his resume for the ND job. And yes, that act may have bit him in the arse, cost him the Irish job and thrown his career into a tailspin. But the dude landed on his feet at UCF last year (look up "money ding ding" in the dictionary). And now, after going winless last year in his first season in Orlando, Coach O' Leary led his Golden Knights to an 8-4 record and has them playing in the f'ing Hawaii Bowl. Strong to quite strong indeed. On that note, take the Golden Knights. O'Leary is a chalkboard wizard and a jukebox hero. And Nevada is a basketball school.

One last thing…

For the first time in the CSG's existence, homeboy went to a Redskins game this past Sunday. And as luck would have it, it was the f'ing money - Cowboys at 'Skins at Fedeck Field with serious playoff implications. In fact, it might have been the definition of f'ing money. Top 5 observations from Fedeck…

1. A Redskins parking lot is a cousin of an Allman Brothers parking lot…absolutely glorious. We got to the game early, grilled up some homemade brats, poured Sterling Marlins into our belly and listened to music from some guy's car across the lot which included such hits as "Dead or Alive," "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Girls Girls Girls."
2. The mutant factor in Fedeck was nothing short of electrifying. Gave the Ray Ray fans a run for their money.
3. From the inside, Fedeck looks like a giant gladiator pit. It's nothing but a giant circular wall of humanity. And because the game kicked off at 4:15, it got real cold, real drunk and real loud up in that bitch.
4. There is something exhilarating about seeing an old man in a full length fur coat and a full length Indian head-dress.
5. The song "Come on Feel the Noise" by Quiet Riot blared throughout the game. Why? Because the 'Skins fans changed the lyric to "Come on Feel the Noise, 'Skins rock the 'Boys." Totally f'ing money. Even more money? The fact that I figured this out while in the bathroom as the dude next to me sang at the top of his lungs.

Merry Christmas, homies. En route next week…the real deal bowl breakdown, when it is appropriate to call a "drink" a "drank", and, if we're lucky, some Christmas night gems from M&T Bank Stadium.