On The Plate ... 12/14/05

The World According to Bill the Butcher

(If you haven't seen Gangs of New York, this might be confusing…just go with it.)

"I'm forty-seven. Forty-seven years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? Fear. Fearsome acts. A man steals from me, I cut off his hand. If he lies to me, I cut out his tongue. If he stands up against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike and lift it up for all to see. A spectacle of fearsome acts. That's what maintains the order of things. Fear."

Or…

"I'm thirty-four. Thirty-four games old. You know how I stayed alive this long? Fear. Fearsome acts. A defense puts 8 in the box, I throw deep. If it sits back, I run Reggie. If it stands up against me in the first half, I score 30 unanswered points, stick them on a scoreboard and lift it up for all to see. A spectacle of fearsome acts. That's what maintains the order of things. Fear."

Bill knows football.

"Amsterdam... I'm New York... don't you never come in here empty handed again, you gotta pay for the pleasure of my company."

Or…

"Texas…I'm Duke…don't you never come in here flat footed again, you gotta play for the pleasure of our company."

Bill knows hoops.

"Civilization is crumbling."

Or…

"That SOB CSG hasn't written a GD thing in almost 3 weeks. What the F is going on?"

Bill straight up knows.

Civilization temporarily crumbled. The 6-4-3 quadruple play of Thanksgiving weekend into a work-related three day stint in NYC into my work holiday party into a two day stint in Boston into attempting to drink all of the gin in the District put the clamps on the CSG. But homeboy be back. Word to the wise, however, don't try to drink all of the gin in the District. It's a tough climb, and a harder fall.

So what the F have I missed? Not so much really...

So USC killed UCLA, Texas killed Colorado, and Reggie Bush owned the Heisman. And all else is JV-style. Yea, the Noles rose on the third day against the Hokies, but that actually disappointed me. There it is. More on that poison in a minute though. First, I've gotta rap about some junk…

Do I be trippin' if I think Jo Dee Messina's jam "Delicious Surprise" be hot? I f'ing hope not 'cause that jam is money. OK, I'm tripping.

True or False…if Daniel Day Lewis was in Colors, he'd be spoken of in the same regard as Bobby Deniro. True, I think. Colors, Last of the Mohicans and Gangs of New York…you gotta be f'ing kidding me. A trio to end all trios. But he blew it and never got in the mix with Penn and Duvall in East L.A. For Christ's sake, even money Don Cheadle got up in Colors. Now I'm pissed. (And yes, I watched all three of those movies two nights ago.)

Speaking of Colors, you know who is money ding ding? Damon Wayans character, T-Bone. That homeboy might be the funniest minor role in cinema history. I don't know…maybe a dude on crack wearing nothing but a diaper dancing with a four-foot tall stuffed rabbit in a stereo store that he just broke into isn't that funny. But I sure as hell think it is.

When did everyone start referring to cars as "whips"? I mean I'm down with "ride," "wheels," etc. But "whip"? Not sure I comprende. The real queston is: Is it hot? Absolutely GD right, it's hot. White hot in fact. On another tip, when did everyone start using the phrase "all jammed up"? All kinds of folks are "all jammed up" these days. "All jammed up?" Come on man.

How about my boy Ron Ron wanting out of Indiana? Anybody have any idea what Ron Artest would do in NYC? In other words, WWRAD n' NYC? F King Kong…instead of a building-destroying beast, NYC would have a fan-face destroying psychopath. Ron Ron would wreak havoc. Let's get this done ASAP.

OK, so in Pasadena on January 4, we've got "Fight On to Victory" versus "Hook 'Em Horns" ; Peace signs versus Devil signs (think about it, you'll get there) ; Hollywood versus Texas ; #1 versus #2. Have I mentioned that I hope both teams lose this game? Yea I have, and will again and again…but that's a later topic for a later column as bowls get underway. Is anyone honestly relieved that the Rose Bowl matchup ended up this way? I mean wasn't it inevitable weeks ago? Yes, it was. Remember when I reversed my course on USC/UCLA game arguing that it had the potential to be a legitimate game after USC's Fresno scare? Me too. I should have stuck with my original statement that the game was going to be a mass murder…because it was. The Trojans called the Bruins "pansies" before the game and then curbed those bitches like the weak-ass Pac-10 squad they are. (For the record, I no longer consider USC a Pac-10 team. They're just too good. Yea, their defense slips every now and then but their offense more than compensates. It's sickified. And I'm not talking about Leinart. F him. Give me Reggie and a little room to run through. That's the hotness. Like global warming, boy.)

And remember all that jazz I horned about regarding a money Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship between the Buffs and the Longhorns? Remember when I said that 'Rado was a legitimate, upstanding, God-fearing squad. Yea, well, a 30-3 hosing at home to the f'ing Huskers the day after T-giving not only decimated their legitimacy but it also made some Buffs kids get a little nutty with some police. And who says the kids aren't impressionable into their early 20s. You see what happens when you don't honor your word to drunk college kids these days? They go insane. All those stupid SOBs were calling my stupid ass "the prophet", getting all fired up to punish Nebraska at home on Senior Day and getting set up to have a showdown with Mack, Vince and the 'Horns in Houston. Instead, those drunk fools ended up getting arrested, the Buffs got embarrassed by the Huskers and then UT had them drawn-and-quartered on national TV. Oh, and that pro-cheating, pro-raping, pro-anything-goes-to-field-a-squad-full-of-criminals bastard Gary Barnett got the axe. Come to think of it, when push comes to shove, I think I may have actually done some good for the Buffs program.

(Earth to 'Rado AD…get someone good…you are Colorado for God's sake. 70-3 is absolutely despicable…but not as appalling as the notion that all CU players are serial rapists. Yea, that's probably worse.)

So why did the Noles ACC Championship victory over the Hokies disappoint me? 2 reasons…1) Noles wins do not help the "fire Jeff Bowden" cause. I have to be honest…I was really hoping that FSU would lose by a Ulysses S. Grant to the Beamers. A Nole murdering at the hands of the Hokies would have equaled the Noles' fourth straight loss and sent them into a tailspin to one of the Dirt McGirt bowls, i.e. the Donkey Bowl in Laredo, TX versus some sorry squad like Wyoming. (Not that I am disrespecting the Cowboys…they have some of the ugliest suits in history and I absolutely love them. And the cowboy logo is the dopeness.) Anyway, although I'm not a betting man, I'd probably bet my appendages that a FSU trip to the Donkey Bowl would have caused some serious ripples, more like waves, in Tallahassee and some noggins would have had to roll. Uh-uh, like Jeff Bowden. But not no mo'. The Noles are ACC Champs. Great. No it isn't. There's a distinct possibility that this W may enable the current "offensive mediocrity wagon" to keep chugging along. 2) The game was televised during my work holiday party. And in that I was expecting the Noles to get hammered, I decided to get hammered and sparingly caught scores of the game. In other words, let's just say that I wasn't exactly "focused" on the nuances of the game. Had I known the Noles were going to show flashes of brilliance, I might have curbed my enthusiasm a little bit to see how the kids looked. Actually, no I wouldn't have. Whatever.

I still think Auburn is the best team in the country right now. Just so you know.

One last thing from the gridiron…I got ankle-deep in a little Northern Iowa at Texas State I-AA playoffs last Friday night before heading out into the District evening. Game came live from San Marcos, TX. In fact, the game was billed as the biggest game in San Marcos history. Solid. Long story short, I have a new favorite player…Markee White. How is "Markee" pronounced? Not like "Marky" from Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but like "Marquis" as in the Mercury Grand Marquis. Now that, friends and family, is f'ing money.

Hoops chatter…

It's officially hoops season. Why? Because I just finished "watching" a game on the Internet via score updates. That's right…'Nova beat Penn 62-55 to move to 7-0. Was it an enjoyable "watch"? Far from it. Do I care? No. Why? Because the Cats won again, and more notably won their first Big Five game of the year. And as you all know from prior dissertations regarding my fanaticism regarding Villanova basketball, Big Five games are tough, no matter if my team is #3 in the country or completely off the radar screen like last year. Don't worry, I'm not gonna get nutty about 'Nova now. Everybody knows they are good. The early Oklahoma/Bucknell sweep proved that. They're #3 in the country. Beating Penn is nothing to get nutty about. Just something to breathe easier about. And no, I wasn't worried even when Penn made a late run. OK, that's enough on that. Gotta keep my voodoo in check.

Not only was I "Internet score update watching" but I also had the battle of the "Demons" on in the background…the Blue Demons of DePaul at the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest. And guess what ACC folks? An unranked, and granted very new, Big East team won at a ranked ACC team's joint. And I do enjoy that quite a bit. (For the record, put DePaul's Sammy Mejia on the "to-watch-list." Homeboy has the shimmy-shake.)

Now you say "hold up wait a minute" CSG…don't you forget that Maryland dropped Boston College on Sunday. And then I say "BC is dead to me." And you say "why?". And I say because they might look like a Big East team and play like a Big East team but those punks are not a Big East team anymore. That was a very early ACC matchup. Weird, huh? Indeed. In fact, I started writing this paragraph thinking that BC was still in the Big East and then caught myself and created this ridiculous little dialogue with myself. I should go to bed immediately. F'ing BC…constantly f'ing with me.

Was anybody impressed with Temple's Ivan Drago-on-Apollo Creed-impression against Alabama on Saturday? Me neither really. Sure, Temple played well, but 'Bama is so overrated it ain't even funny. But hey, that's the norm for the SEC West, right? Gotta make someone look good on paper at the onset of the season, right? Right. And now we know that the SEC West, again, sucks, especially if the Tide is the "cream of the SEC West" crop this year. Ouch. Back to Temple for a second. Scope some of the Owl names…Mardy Collins (not Marty), Dionte Christmas ('tis the season) and Antywane Robinson (I have no idea). The Owls making me laugh in December…God bless.

While I'm rapping SEC, let me drop this… Kentucky sucks. Period sincerely. And let me drop this too…getting Randolph Morris back wouldn't stop UK from sucking. Sorry Lexington, KY, your boys look lost. Saturday's tilt against Louisville (who is overrated as balls too) should be interesting on several levels…1) Will Kentucky fans call for Uncle Tubby Smith's head if he loses at Rupp to the Cards after dropping one at Rupp two weekends ago to the youthful exuberance called UNC? Tubby can't afford to get whacked by major rivals Indiana and the Cards in the span of a week, especially after Mr. Pitino's Final Four trip with U of L weighs heavy in UK fans' minds. 2) Check out Louisville's rigorous schedule thus far this season…Tennessee-Martin, Prairie View A&M, Arkansas State, Richmond, Akron and Chicago State. F yea, Louisville is definitely the #4 team in the country based on that brutal lineup. Oh, and I forgot to mention that all of those games were at Freedom Hall too. Do you think playing at Rupp against a desperate UK team will be a slightly different experience? Indeed, very much so. 3) With the aforementioned points, the game should actually be pretty damn good. Remember last year? Patrick Sparks turned Ollie? Yep yep.

Is it too early for me to write that Vanderbilt is going to win the SEC East? Good, I didn't think so. Yea, so my boys got throttled at home by 'Nati. But W's at Georgetown and at home over Oregon are promising. The SEC is down down down this year. If there was ever a shot to dethrone those blue and white wearing SOBs from the north and hang a SEC East banner from the rafters, this is the year.

Hey, I haven't punked the Pac-10 nearly enough in this column, have I? No. Let's get it done…how about Andy Katz's Final Four contenders the Stanford f'ing Cardinal? Preseason #13. Current record: 2-3 with losses to UC-Irvine, Montana and UC Davis. Man, I gotta tell you…they play an impressive brand of hoops out west. At this rate we may never ever again get to see Tiger wearing a turtleneck on the Stanford sideline during a game that matters. And that just cuts me deep. Riiight. I sleep tightly knowing that Stanford has lost to two "UC-towns." Where is Davis, CA? Is that even a town? Maybe it's just a person. This is the equivalent of Maryland losing to Essex. Good times.

You want some more good times at the Pac-10's expense? Me too. How about preseason #10 Arizona? Current record: 4-3. While 'Zona's L's are clearly not as enthralling as Stanford's, they do scratch the itch on my Pac-10 inferiority back…L to UConn, L to Michigan State and an L to Houston. (Speaking of the now #24 ranked Cougars, who told you last year that Tom Penders would have a bandit-laden squad that was gonna be 1) money 2) fun to watch (only dunks and shoots threes) and 3) would have an average age of 29? You know who.)

In the "let's just dunk and shoot 40-footers" category, I'd also like to nominate the fur-coats of Memphis. The kicker is they are badasses. If you haven't seen, see. You'll smile.

Quick hitters…

• Duke looked so superior to Texas in terms of sheer basketball knowledge it was shocking. The 'Horns looked clueless. Daniel Gibson played like he had just smoked PCP. PJ Tucker played like he hadn't smoked enough PCP. And Rick Barnes looked like he wanted to buy some PCP. As for the Blue-Devils, well, they looked like a typical Coach K team…organized, efficient, quick-hitting and flat out good. I hated it. And the fact that JJ Redick blew the F up made me ill.
• UConn is f'ing good. And huge. And their players have to check their guns with the equipment manager before practicing.
• I just ordered a subscription to the Lawrence, Kansas newspaper so that every morning I can read how disgusted the locals are with Jayhawk Coach Bill Self. 4-4 is tough. But in Self's defense, (and you know I never do this) his boys are little baby Jayhawk young, their L's are to solid opponents and they showed flashes of brilliance against Cal in the second half of their W on Saturday. That doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy reading the Lawrence Journal-World.
• Big Ten jive …Marco Killingsworth was silly against Duke…when DJ White gets healthy the Hoosiers should be nothing less than a Top 15 team…if they aren't, this is Mike Davis' last year in Bloomington…speaking of "last years," losing back to back games to Northern Iowa and Iowa State is not helping Steve Alford's cause in Iowa City…props to the Illini for the 10-0 start after losing so many studs - W's over Rutgers, Xavier, Georgetown, at UNC, and at Oregon is more than solid.

Coming soon to a theatre near you…

How I plan to stay fly till I die, a discussion of when the word "fly" became an adjective meaning "cool," and a Preview of the Donkey Bowls, aka all the bowls before Christmas.