On The Plate ... 11/23/05

Thank You Little Baby Jesus

Folks, Christmas came early…

"This is rock bottom." - University of Tennessee Head Coach Philip Fulmer

No, Bugs Bunny Giant, this is not rock bottom…this is what I like to call happiness pie. You see, Vanderbilt didn't simply beat Tennessee last week. No, no, they also hit the ultimate "Eat it, Vols" trifecta. How? Get educated…1) The Dores beat the Vols for the first time since 1982, ending the second longest consecutive losing streak to one team. (Navy is still number one with 42 straight losses to Notre Dame.) Tennessee was proud of this feat because Vols fans believe that continually beating Vanderbilt in football remedies their own inferiority complex regarding Vanderbilt's academics. Sick and sad? Sure. Hilarious that the "we beat your asses in football" argument has no merit for a year? You're absolutely GD right. 2) The Dores won in Neyland Stadium for the first time since 1975. Please don't sleep on the details of Neyland Stadium…Vanderbilt beat the Vols in front of 107,000 orange-clad, screaming hillbillies, on Senior Day no less. I enjoy this immensely. 3) The Vanderbilt W solidified that the Vols are now ineligible for a bowl for the first time under the Bugs Bunny Giant's reign of retardation. Season over in Knoxville. You think the BBG is sweating a little bit?

The fact that the 2005 gridiron champion in the great state of Tennessee left Neyland Stadium on Saturday afternoon wearing black and gold…well, that's just f'ing priceless. It may be rock bottom to that slovenly, miserable, cheating SOB Philip Fulmer but it's G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S to the CSG and Company. Last Saturday will forever be known in CSG-land as "the day Rocky Top hit Rock Bottom." And the mighty, mighty Dores were the ones that finished paving the way down the mountain. I hope to God that two of my children end up being born on the 28th and the 24th. It'll give me reason for having 28-24 tattooed on my neck right now.

Oh yea, three more things…1) Vanderbilt is going to finish higher than Tennessee in the SEC East. Things like this don't happen. 2) Remember that Vanderbilt doesn't have an athletic department. In other words, a football team without an athletic department beat the University of Tennessee in football. If point #1 doesn't happen, has point #2 ever happened? 3) "To turn the corner, you've got to believe, and I'm not saying we've turned the corner, but our guys are starting to believe," - Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt head coach. Let's not get too nutty, Bobby…ok, you're right, it's Christmas for God's sake…let's get f'ing nutty.

Guess who isn't going to wear all green suits anymore? Yep, the Canes. Guess who isn't going to make any more rap jams in their dorms? No, not the Canes. Rap jams will continue to be produced. And they'll be as glorious as the most recent effort…have you heard the 7th Floor Crew tune? It's unbelievable for so many reasons. It's awful but deceptively catchy, it's lyrically hilarious, and painfully stupid. In other words, I love it. Oh, and it has provided me with my new favorite nickname…T-Buck. Anyway, back to the suits… they were atrocious, especially with the Florida one-colored sleeve look. Nike, if you're reading, that sleeve look is only 1-for-3…money with Va Tech, horrendous with the Gators and Canes.

How bout them Canes? Just when I phoned in the ACC Championship those dumb SOBs go out and get punked by Chan Gailey's Yellow Jackets? What name is "Chan" short for? Chandler? Chancellor? Chance? Chauncey? Channing? Chant? Charles? Please help me. Do you remember three weeks ago when the nation heard a giant choking sound coming out of Blacksburg after the Canes strung up the Hokies? Yea, me too. Well guess what? The Hokies didn't die after all…Robin Hood and Friar Tuck, aka G-Tech's Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson, stunned the Canes, and in doing so cut the Hokies down from the gallows pole giving them new ACC Championship life. And because of that new life, I once again care about the ACC Championship. Canes vs Noles? Boring. Hokies vs Noles? Potentially interesting, especially if FSU wins in the Swamp this weekend. Do I think the Hokies rout the Noles? Probably. But it beats losing to the Canes.

Did anyone catch the "Pac 10 Football is a Joke" sign that some dude held up in East Lansing before the Penn State at Michigan State game? Awesome. Now let's get that dude out to L.A. in two weekends so he can hold that sign up at the UCLA at USC game. Yea, he'll get murdered, but it'll be worth it.

USC 50, Fresno State 42. Just when the greatest Saturday in history was about to unfold, that freak Reggie Bush (and I mean that in the most complementary way) puts the Trojans on his shoulders, puts up 513 total yards of offense and keeps the USC three-peat dream alive. What the F does this game really mean? Is Fresno really good because they had a 1-point lead in the Coliseum with 9:50 to go in the game? Or is USC's defense so suspect that to beat the Bulldogs they needed an all-world performance from Bush? Personally, I think it is the latter. Sure, Bush's Superman impersonation is a great story against Fresno…but will it be great enough against UCLA? Fresno's effort just salvaged the Pac-10's biggest rivalry. Why? Because if I were a Bruin fan, or a Bruin, or Drew Olsen, for that matter, I'd be salivating at the chance to go up against a Trojan defense that had 42 put up against it at home by Fresno. Look, I'm not knocking Fresno. They played great, and I think they're pretty good. But I don't think they've got the offensive firepower that UCLA does. And they definitely don't hate the Trojans as much as the Bruins do. Mark it on your calendar…December 3 in L.A. at the Coliseum…UCLA at USC. (Yes, I'm putting a Pac 10 game on my calendar. Yes, I know I've made a complete 180 regarding this game…I think I used the term "mass murder" in my last column. Fresno gave me hope. It's that simple…and I f'ing despise the Trojans so I'll make myself believe anything that potentially results in a USC loss.)

The CSG will tip a T-giving cup to the following…

• Joe Pa, Penn State and a Big Ten Championship. Well done, Nittany Lions. Thank you for not allowing Ohio State to win it.
• Jim Tressel. I hate the Buckeyes but that classy cheater is now 4-1 versus Lloyd Carr and the Wolverines.
• Tommy Bowden. He may underachieve year after year but he always finds a way to beat the Gamecocks…and that's all that matters in the Low Country. (Speaking of the Low Country, what was with the Ole Ball Coach's "headset and glasses" look instead of his "visor and insanity" look? He looked like a f'ing professor. Classy? Indeed. Ole Ball Coach? Hell no.
• Auburn, aka the best team in Alabama for the fourth year in a row. Hell, they may be the best team in the country for the second year in a row.
• Bill Snyder. His kids gave him a much-deserved W in his final game on the Kansas State sidelines. The Big 12 won't be the same if Kansas State remains mediocre following his departure.
• Washington State. The Cougars beat U-Dub in the Apple Cup ending their seven game losing streak. Then, in typical Cadillac grill flashing fashion, the Cougars got into a fight with the Huskie players. Never change, Cougars, never change.

Anybody want to rap some hoops?...(my head is spinning)…

For the record, it's November 22 and I may have just watched the best college basketball game of the season. Yes, the CSG just wrote that. Gonzaga 109, Michigan State 106 in 3 OTs. Zags star Adam Morrison drops 43. Spartans star Maurice Ager drops 36. Absolutely unbelievable. Also, for the record, Morrison's mustache is hideous…and I love it. He looks like Che Guevera. The kid is f'ing money…flowing locks, mustache and high-arching jumper in all.

What else do we got? Michigan State now has two losses. But they always lose early, and blossom late. Syracuse lost to Bucknell at the Carrier Dome. On the real, the 'Cuse is no good. If Coach Boeheim can get this crew to the Big Dance, he should get Coach of the Year looks. Also, on the real, how money are the Bucknell Bison feeling these days? They're giant-killers…first they beat Kansas in the first round of the Dance last March, now they beat the 'Cuse in the Dome. Walk tall, mighty Bison. If Stanford keeps losing to teams like UC-Irvine, does that mean we don't have to see Tiger Woods sitting at midcourt in a turtleneck for the Cardinal vs Arizona game at Maples Pavilion? God, I hope so. How loaded is the Maui Invitational? Answer: loaded…every game pits a biggin against a biggin. Josh Boone's pony-tail is a solid effort. Kentucky's new uniforms make me ill. Why the F would Tubby change from those classy suits they donned the last several years? The Arizona vs Kansas game was an education in masonry. The fact that Duke changes their uniforms every year is totally JV. Hoops institutions have the same uniforms every year. Teams like Florida change their uniforms every year. That makes sense. Duke's changes do not.

On the Slate…

Texas (-27.5) at Texas A&M - Other than gaining satisfaction from bludgeoning the Aggies, the Horns actually have a reason to play big in this game. USC's near death experience last weekend has opened the "maybe USC is not that good" window of conversation. So what? So maybe Texas can bust their way into the #1 BCS ranking by throwing Dennis Francione's pathetic club down the stairs repeatedly en route to a 50-plus point win. Big wins are impressive. Big wins over archrivals feel good. Now who wouldn't want to be impressive and feel good at the same time? Bet the 'Horns, this line is way too small.

Nebraska at Colorado (-14) - With a W, Colorado can capture the Big 12 North Division and a spot in the Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship on December 3 versus the Longhorns. The Buffs failed to seal up the Big 12 North two weeks ago with a loss to Iowa State in Ames. Last weekend, Gary Barnett's crew had a bye. In other words, they had some time to stew. The CU kids have been chirping about wanting respect. Losses at ISU don't help. Wins over the Huskers on national TV the Friday after T-giving do. Especially big wins. The Buffs know they'll garner some attention in Houston if they stomp Nebraska. Expect them to do just that. I like the Buffs.

Syracuse at Louisville (+36) - UofL has beaten their last three opponents by a total of 97 points, including a 51 point mauling of Rutgers two weeks ago. Rutgers won at Syracuse by 22. Do the math, take the Cards.

Georgia (-3.5) at Georgia Tech - What happens when the Canes lose? The team that beats them is all of a sudden considered to be dangerous. What's the right thinking concerning this danger? Bet against them. When the Canes lose, they usually beat themselves. I'm happy GTech beat the Canes, but do I think they would beat them again if they played five more times? Probably not. If the Yellow Jackets had lost by 14 in Miami, the Dawgs would be giving 11, not 3.5. I love the Dawgs.

Have a Money Ding Ding Thanksgiving. Back in your kitchen next week.