On The Plate ... 11/15/05

The Column That I Don't Want to Write

Recently I was privy to this exchange…

Person 1: "All are welcome including wives, girlfriends, special lady friends and cougars."
Person 2: "Great idea, except we should ditch our significant others, bring cougars and lots of painkillers."
Person 3: "My significant other is pain killers."

In a nutshell…sheer brilliance.

Are you sitting down? Can you handle some bad news? Hope so, because here it went…this past Saturday was the last money ding ding Saturday of action for the year. (This is the reason I don't want to write this GD column. We're at the end of an era.)

You're now thinking, "Shut the F up, CSG. I knew you were a GD jackass, but come on man, this is straight-up loco. We've got some killer games coming up. Dude, look at the f'ing schedule. This Saturday, we've got Buckeyes at The Big House, Tigers at Gamecocks and 'Bama at War Eagle. And don't forget that Gameday is in East Lansing for Penn State's shot at winning the Big Ten. Next week/weekend, we've got Huskers at Buffs, 'Horns at Aggies and Noles at Gators. You are a f'ing dunce, CSG. I mean what about the December 3rd weekend? Huh? Huh?!? Talk about money…Big 12 Championship, SEC Championship, ACC Championship and UCLA at USC. Take your f'ing meds CSG, and wake the F up."

Touché cowboys and cowgirls. Kind of. Hey, I dig your unchecked aggression. No, you're not leaving it at the door, you're bringing it inside, sitting it at the table and making it a plate for dinner. Why? Because that aggression is hungry. And I like and respect that. However, your argument is flawed. Busted. All wrong, Kemosabe. To put it simply, your aggression can f'ing eat it. Why? I'll tell you why…the national focus is now solely on two teams, and only two teams, much earlier than I had expected, or frankly can even remember. In other words, the aforementioned games are gonna be great, no doubt about it, but in the grand scheme of things, they aren't nationally prominent. They are regional, and at best, sentimental games. Why? You want factors? You want a list? I'll give you a f'ing list, you miserable SOBs. Buckle in…

• The SEC killed itself. How? The combined losses of Alabama and Georgia…
• First, Alabama's loss to LSU. Losing "undefeated #3" obviously kills national chatter. In addition, it destroyed the potential unparalleled electricity of this week's Iron Bowl because LSU now holds all of the cards to the SEC West Championship and a trip to Hotlanta on Dec 3rd. In other words, Saturday's Iron Bowl is only for bragging rights in the fine state of Alabama. Not that that isn't important. The game no longer carries the weight of "holy F, has anyone seen a 'Bama score" because they are still in the national championship hunt. Yea, I know that people weren't giving the Tide much respect even when they were undefeated because the Tide offense would have trouble scoring on Temple. But either way, undefeated is undefeated…and inevitably national chatter chatters.
• Second, Georgia's loss to Auburn. You say "who cares"? I say "check this"…had the Dawgs stopped Auburn on 4th and 10, the SEC Championship would be a matchup of 1-loss SEC powerhouses - Georgia and LSU (assuming that they both win out, which they will.) Now, let's say that the Trojans were to play blindfolded at home versus UCLA on December 3rd or the 'Horns decide to play on mushrooms in College Station on November 25th and one of the two falls. Well, wouldn't that put the winner of a Dawgs/Bayou Bengals SEC Championship squarely at the forefront of the one-loss team parade? I believe it would, and it would make the SEC Championship nothing short of absolutely glorious. (Close your eyes…what if we had the 1-loss Dawgs versus undefeated Tide in the SEC Championship? Oh, Lord Almighty, the South would have gladly lit itself on fire if things had unfolded this way. And just think…one overtime TD pass and one last second field goal cost the SEC potential championship bedlam.
• Florida State's fall into the abyss. Two weeks ago, a Canes vs Noles rematch in Jacksonville on December 3 looked like Apollo vs Rocky. Now, the game is looking more like Clubber Lang versus Mickey. The merciless beating the Noles took last weekend at the hands of Clemson was FSU's third loss to an unranked opponent this year…the first time that has happened since 1976, Bobby Bowden's first year at FSU. But that beating will feel like a pillow fight with Playmates after the Canes come through Jax. FSU football is a mess. And consequently, the ACC slate now sucks. Canes fans will be interested in watching "the U" dismantle Bobby's boys in Jacksonville, but no one else will care. Because the Noles blow, the ACC Championship game has "phone it in" written all over it.
• Florida sucks too. Where is www.fireurbanmeyer.com when you need it? Gators vs Noles is about as exciting as letting a donkey kick you squarely in the junk…straight up painful. It'll be even more painful for me when the Noles lose to that miserable bastard Urban Meyer. The fact that I gave that SOB adulation at Utah makes me sick.
• Colorado's loss at Iowa State. Not only did the Buffs loss lose me money, kill my theory and make me look like a jackass, but it scratched any remaining Big 12 games from the "worth watching" slate. With the loss, Colorado has dropped into the "just another Big 12 North team" realm, which is a dark, disgusting place. Remember that Huskers at Buffs game I wanted to watch on the Friday after Thanksgiving? Yea, I think I'll do some winter lawn mowing instead. Had the Buffs won in Ames, I'd still be chirping 'Rado vs Texas in the Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship…a two-loss Colorado team (L's only at Miami and at Texas) looking for redemption in Houston against the Longhorns who beat them silly in Austin only 5 weeks prior. And I'd be psyched. And, so too, would the national chatter because we all know how much Mack Brown likes to fold under big game pressure. However, after a loss to the Cyclones, the Buffs don't resemble a worthy adversary, they resemble another guillotine victim.
• Unfortunately, the Big Ten games are meaningless. Am I psyched to watch Buckeyes at the Big House? Sure, I am. Am I psyched to watch Joe Pa win his second Big Ten championship? Of course. But do these games have any connection to the national championship picture? No, no they don't. The best case scenario for a Big Ten bust onto the national scene is that Penn State beats Michigan State, Ohio State beats Michigan, Miami loses to Georgia Tech, and LSU loses to Georgia in Hotlantica. Oh, and either USC or Texas loses as well. That combo, folks, ain't gonna happen. Sorry, Big Ten, you blew it.

So there it is. It's disheartening, isn't it? Simply spelled out…USC vs TEXAS. It's not even Thanksgiving and the writing is on the wall…the national championship game is set. And I f'ing hate it. (And no, I'm not writing about UCLA vs USC because I don't like writing about mass murder.) Do me a favor and root like hell against the Trojans and the Longhorns from here on out. Let's make this bitch interesting again. What do ya say?

On the Slate…

Northwestern (-15) at Illinois - What ever happened to Zooklyn? The poor Illini are 0-7 in the Big Ten. And to make matters worse, Chief Illiniwek just got the NCAA politically correct axe. No, not aks. No one is being asked a question here. We're talking axe, as in hatchet. Yea, the Zookettes are winless in the Big Ten and the NCAA rewarded them with a mascot punking. Good times. Now their brainy neighbors from Chicago are going to come down to Champagne and destroy them. You think Zooklyn wants a do-over? Me too. And I also think that they want no part of Brett Basanez's offense. Love the 'Cats in a trouncing. While we're in Chicago, I also loved the Bears orange jerseys last week…dope as dope can be.

Boston College at Maryland (+2.5) - Perfect…a matchup of the two most obnoxious fan bases in America…Bostonians and Terps fans. Maybe if we're lucky they'll all kill each other - the teams, the fans, the whole lot. Final score 0-0. Perfect. On the real, the Terps are now one win away from bowl eligibility after winning in Chapel Hill last weekend. Of note, BC has lost its last two ACC road games, most recently at North Carolina. Hmmm. You know I think BC is overrated as balls. You know I like when the Terps get points, especially at home. Ride the Fridge.

Temple at Navy (-27) - I'm tired of the recent string of teams not covering against Temple. And so is Navy. The Middies will get this done for two reasons…1) this is the last home game for seniors and, 2) this is the last chance for a tune-up before the Army game on December 3. The guns in Annapolis will be at full blast.

Oklahoma State at Baylor (-2.5) - The Pokes finally shut me up last week. They beat Texas Tech after I said that the Red Raiders would try to hang 100 on them in Stillwater. So guess what? I like Baylor. The Pokes are still miserable. Even better, this is Baylor's last game of the season and more importantly, with a win, the Bears would skirt finishing in the cellar of the Big 12 South…the Pokes would. This is what I think about. Go Bears. Speaking of the Bears, how money is it that the Baylor mascot is a real f'ing bear? Pretty f'ing money if you ask me.

Clemson at South Carolina (+2) - Why is Clemson giving points at South Carolina? Please don't tell me it has anything to do with last week's win over FSU. Have people forgotten that the SC beat the Gators in Columbia last weekend? And won in Knoxville not too long ago? Yes, this is a blood game and yes Clemson has owned the Cocks in recent years. But those were the Lou Holtz years. This year it is different. On principal alone, I'd take the Ole Ball Coach over Tommy Bowden any day of the week. Take the points, ride the Cockaboose.

Fresno State at USC (-23) - Forget the hype. Remember who Fresno's eight wins are against. USC by 50.

For the record, are the General Motors ads featuring Suze Kolber jokes? They must be, right? GM isn't dumb enough to think that Suze f'ing Kolber is a money person to help them sell Tahoes, is it? Someone please tell me I am wrong.