On The Plate ... 11/8/05

An Old-Fashioned Gutting, Things I Remember and Hilarious Funeral Chatter

You know the scene at the end of Mystic River when Jimmy, aka Sean Penn, stabs Dave, aka Tim Robbins, in the stomach and then shoots him in the head? OK, you have that image? Now flash forward to last Saturday. I'm Dave, Saturday is Jimmy, the knife in my gut is Vanderbilt and the bullet in my head is Florida State. It's kind of funny how in my Mystic River I get shot in the head before getting gutted like a pig but that's how it works in CSG-land. I was already dead when Jay Cutler threw that interception in 2OT in The Swamp. Why? Because just when I thought I was Little Indian Brave Osceola riding off into a one-loss regular season sunset on my horse named Renegade, that SOB Chuck Amato whipped out his hand cannon and put a hole in my face Terminator 2-style.

I still haven't fully recovered. But not recovering beats being dead, don't it? I believe it do. Allow me to explain. You see, I was away from casa de la CSG last Saturday engaged in a prior engagement. Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team. They are not flexible, nor am I. Is that clear? Yes, Viper. I'm sorry, sir. Anyway, at the place of my engagement, ABC was showing the Penn State / Wisconsin game. And I was delighted because the Final "Joe Pa vs Barry Alvarez" game had 200 times the intrigue than Pack at the Doak had. Big Ten championship atmosphere or a bore-ball ACC W for the Noles? Give me Happy Valley all day long. Or so I thought. In retrospect, someone at ABC was looking out for me. Had the Noles game, and eventual loss, been televised, the following events probably would have unfolded in an order similar to this…

1. I start tossing back Dale Jr's at an unacceptable clip.
2. I start talking to the Noles' players, Bobby Bowden and God through the television.
3. I ask the hosts if it is cool to smoke in their house.
4. I tell the hosts "no, I don't sit down when the Noles are losing."
5. I get the shakes, all the while keeping a pasty "I'm doing fine" look on my face.
6. I begin to worry the civilized folks at the engagement.
7. I start dropping F bombs under my breath while telling the civilized folks that "I'm not nervous" and that the Noles "do this every weekend" and "it'll be fine".
8. I go outside, wander around the hosts' backyard, but before doing so, demand that no one change the channel to the game that only I am interested in because it is "bad vibes".
9. I come inside to see that FSU is down 10 late in the 4Q, immediately go back outside and wander around the hosts' neighbors' backyards.
10. I return to the house and say "They lost didn't they?" in a nonchalant tone, even though I'm hyperventilating.
11. I shake my head and say to myself "I'm a f'ing idiot" over and over again like Scotty J in Boogie Nights. Meanwhile, on the inside, I'm weeping like a child whose dog just died.
12. I perish from emotional exhaustion.

Suffice to say, as you all well know, I don't take Noles' losses well. But, because I didn't see the game, I didn't have to be resuscitated via electroshock treatment. Instead, post-BBQ, I headed to the Crystal City Sports Pub for the Canes at Hokies game. And much to my delight, the CCSP was showing the Dores at Gators game as well. Well, once the Canes had demonstrated that they planned on not only murdering but raping and pillaging the Hokies, I put all of my focus on the Dores. And, in typical-Vanderbilt-fan-fashion, I was taken to the edge of glorious mind-altering victory, only to be thrown in front of an 18-wheeler barreling out of control down a mountain. Yippee. Just what I needed…more pain for an already painful day.

Oh wait, I almost forgot…in Mystic River, after Dave gets gutted and shot, his lifeless body is thrown into the "I-guess-that's-the-Mystic-River" river to sleep with the fishes. OK, now remember that I'm Dave…the fact that it rained dogs and more dogs on the betting Slate got me so wet I was wishing I was at the bottom of a xrappy river by the day's end. And no, I didn't smoke PCP. I didn't "get wet" like Alonzo explains to Officer Jake Hoyt. No, instead of "getting wet," I got stabbed, shot and thrown into a river. Good f'ing times.

While we're on the topic of life and death, the two bastards responsible for my misery this weekend would have gotten killed had the outcomes of their contests not gone in their favor. Let me explain…

1. Chuck Amato - A buddy of mine who actually went to FSU said he was nervous about this game for two reasons…1) Since arriving in Raleigh, Amato has a winning record against the Noles…2) Amato has to win to save his job. How painfully money ding ding did his anxiety prove to be? Pretty money ding ding. Had Chuck's Pack lost at the Doak, I wholeheartedly believe that he would have been lined up in front of the firing squad at the end of the season. But no mas. He's still breathing. How about this for a conspiracy theory…when Tommy Bowden (son of Bobby for all you geniuses) needed to beat FSU two years ago to "save his job", he did. Now, this year, Chuck Amato (former FSU assistant of 18 years) needed to beat FSU to "save his job." And guess what? He did. Seems a little fishy, doesn't it? Maybe it's a coincidence, but from my perspective too many "FSU friends", with inferior teams, are saving their tails by coincidentally beating the Noles.
2. Urban Meyer - Urban would not have gotten fired had he lost to Vanderbilt at The Swamp. No, he would have gotten straight up murdered, Scott Jurgenson-style. Can you imagine what the Gator faithful were thinking as they watched the Dores score, get an onside kick and then score again to send it to OT, all with relative ease? Do you think any of those SOBs were thinking "Goddamn, we f'ed up…we need to get the Zooker back"? Maybe some of them were thinking that, but the majority were thinking "Goddamn, it's a good thing we pay the zebras some nice coin at this joint. Without that ref making that absurd call for excessive celebration, Vandy would have gone for 2 points, gotten it, and won the GD game. Hell, now I'd be serving a life sentence in the clink for voluntary manslaughter after I ran Coach Meyer over with my Chevy Silverado on Tuesday morning." F'ing Urban Meyer barely beats the Dores in The Swamp, and needs a donkey-ass ref to make a donkey-ass call to do so…priceless.

For the record, West Virginia's all white uniforms are so f'ing solid it hurts. I actually feel pain they are so GD glorious. Pain in my brain because I'm starting to believe that, despite being in the God-awful Big Famine, the Mountaineers might be pretty good. The Mounties have been laying the wood to some 'Nati folk tonight. Yes, I'm watching WVU decimate Cincinnati. And, yes, I love the fact that every QB at Cincy has been a paisan since the Gino Guidugli era.

What do all of the following teams have in common? Miami, Kansas, Purdue, South Carolina, and UNC. Yep, they were all underdogs this past weekend who won. How about the "remember when game"? Good…from the top…

Remember when Miami at Virginia Tech was supposed to be a good game? Blacksburg has never endured a Hurricane that did so much damage as last Saturday. Let's account for the destruction left in the 'Canes wake…1 undefeated season, 1 potential trip to the Rose Bowl, 1 ACC Championship, 1 QB's reputation, 1 team's pride, and 66,000 Hokie Nation tongues at Lane Stadium that were swallowed as the Canes battering lingered into the night. Ouch, my Hokies hurt. Some thoughts…

1. The Canes all-white suits were Godly. As soon as I saw them, I had a feeling the Hokies were in trouble. (Remember, if anybody can judge a frightening Canes team, it's me…the Noles face these freaks every f'ing year and their record ain't too good.)
2. Marcus Vick was flat out exposed. His performance was unacceptable. Period. Four fumbles and two interceptions? Pathetic. Everybody still think he's better than Michael? Look, everyone and their mother knows that the Canes D is sick. It might be better than sick it's so good, but if you're Marcus Vick, aka Little Michael Vick, you have to make plays. More importantly you have to play smart. Vick did neither. Every ball Vick threw was 10 yards over his receivers' heads. As for the fumbles, big time players don't fumble four times against the Canes. It's just that simple. Yes, Vick was getting pressured from all sides, but what did he, Beamer and the Hokies expect? It's f'ing Miami. They bring the noise. Without the turnovers, Tech makes the game a defensive struggle, not a rout. Although…
3. It ain't like the Canes didn't move the ball all over the Hokie D. When Tyrone Moss went out with a busted knee late in the first quarter, sophomore Charlie Jones promptly came in and went nutty. When Kyle Wright needed to make a first down, he found Sinorice Moss across the middle or Quadtrine Hill in the flat. The Canes made plays. The Hokies made no plays.
4. To that point, maybe Virginia Tech just isn't as good as everyone thought. Or maybe Miami is a lot better than everyone thought. Or maybe it's a combination of both. I'm just happy as a lamb that the Noles beat the Canes in Week 1. I hate the Trojans and the Horns, but if an undefeated Miami was in the mix, I think this column would be my college basketball preview.
5. Don't ever disrespect the Canes. VT didn't set the line, the Stardust did. But Miami took it out on Tech that the Canes were 6.5 point underdogs.

Remember when Nebraska was good? What else does Bill Callahan have to do to get canned? Last year, he guided the Huskers to a losing record, missing a bowl for the first time in 35 years. Last Saturday, the Huskers got curbed, and I mean one eye popping out of socket curbed, by Kansas for the first time in 36 years. Yes, Kansas. Nice track record Billy Boy is building up, huh? Where is Frankie Solich when you need him? Man, I wish I was in Lincoln last weekend to hear the growing murmur of mixed angst, hate and sorrow. It would have fit in perfectly with my day.

Remember when I thought Michigan State was good? Purdue beat Michigan State for its first Big Ten win of the year. What the F happened to Michigan State? Ever since they beat the Irish they haven't done a GD thing right. This is problematic for me. Why? Because I refuse to stop betting on them. I'm a f'ing idiot.

Remember when Virginia Tech's manhandling of BC meant something? No mas. UNC's W over the Eagles is just more fuel on the "maybe the Hokies were a tad overrated" fire.

Remember when the Ole Ball Coach was struggling? Seems like a long time ago, don't it? Amazing what one W in Knoxville over your arch-nemesis can do for a team's fans' memory, ain't it? OK, so I understand that South Carolina is now bowl eligible after squeaking by an alarmingly bad Arkansas team in Hogland. Got that. What I don't got is why folks are chirping up a storm about the 'Cocks being good. Has everyone forgotten the muggings the Gamecocks endured at the hands of the Dawgs, Tide and War Eagle? Look, the only good thing about the 'Cocks is the Ole Ball Coach. He's 6-3 with little to no talent. But he can coach 'em, and has done so against equally talent poor squads like UCF, Troy, Kentucky, Vandy and the Hogs. Except for the W over the Vols, SC hasn't exactly proven much. That can change over the next two weeks as SC hosts Florida on Saturday (storylines out the ying yang in this one) and Clemson (bloodmatch) the week after. If I thought the chirping was loud after the W in Knoxville, what if SC beats the Gators this weekend in CockaBoose country? The local South Carolina papers are going to start petitioning that the 'Cocks make it to a BCS Bowl. I'm not joking.

OK, time to stop remembering. Now, it's time to start forgetting… at least that's what I think fans of the following squads are trying to do…

Forget when Tennessee was preseason #3. While Vols fans are at it, they can also try to forget…the win at LSU… the BBG's encouraged quarterback controversy…that Steve Spurrier, in his first year back in college foot, won at Neyland Stadium…that Notre Dame just embarrassed the Vols for their fourth straight loss…and that the entire SEC giggles itself to sleep every night knowing that the Vols suck. They might want to remember, however, that the Bugs Bunny Giant may be retarded.

Forget when UCLA's undefeated season "validated" the Pac-10. UCLA fans, and the rest of the Pac-10 for that matter sans USC, should refer to a famous CSG statement…the Pac-10 eats. Let's play SAT…Arizona is to 52 points as USC is to ___ points. 200? 300? Dear God. Oh, and Cal still blows.

Forget that Dennis Francione's third season at a program is always money. Where is RC Slocum when you need him?

Forget all that nonsense about Joe Paterno needing to retire. For the record, I chirped some of this nonsense too. But after watching the Nittany Lions destroy the Badgers (the final score was not indicative of the beating PSU put on Wiscy) I am convinced that Joe Pa, Penn State football and a university have been reborn. Penn State is really good. I mean really good.

I'm still not forgetting Vanderbilt's loss to MTSU, by the way. Quick question…after the Dores got hosed on that excessive celebration call, if Dores coach Bobby Johnson doesn't cuss, what words was he screaming at the refs? We all saw him yelling his face off, right? No F-bombs? Instead of saying "You f'ing guys just cost us the f'ing game with that piss poor f'ing call" did he say "You flipping guys are doo-doo heads. That call was doo doo. Aww, doo doo!" I'm just curious.

One more thing I'm curious about…can we have Jay Cutler's father shot? Yes, the same father wearing the Cutler jersey at The Swamp who after Vandy's late scores was doing a faux Gator Chomp at the Gator faithful. That old man Cutler, what a classy f'ing guy.

Is it acceptable to laugh at a funeral? Probably not, but I did it anyway on Sunday. The Ravens are dead. In fact, the Ravens were long dead before playing the Bengals last Sunday…I just didn't want to believe it. Now I do. Why? Because when 70,000 people are happy to see Kordell Stewart trot onto the field, you know you're team is six feet under. But no matter. The CSG was treated to some gems during his short stay in Charm City…

1. As we are walking to the stadium, my buddies and I swing into a local watering hole to have a quick Dale Jr, and to say hey to some pals who are already enjoying Dale Jr's. It needs to be pointed out that this watering hole draws a very interesting crowd, aka a nice slice of South Baltimore. For those not in the know, this means very long-O's, ponytails, big tattoos, sleeveless t-shirts, goatees, sunglasses, chain-smoking, and most fittingly, booze guzzling. Well, there was a pack of 8 or so dudes who were getting their drink on prior to going to the game. And by drink, I don't mean a few Dale Jr's or a few cocktails, I mean a dozen shots each backed up by a 12-pack of beer each. These cats like to drink. So, at about 12:30 (1:00 kick) one of these gentlemen belts out the following statement… "Ravens fans, we gotta walk in 10 minutes. Time to soak that liver!" And with that, he orders a dozen shots for his homies at the bar and whoever else wants to drink turpentine prior to walking to the stadium. I declined. But the rally-cry made me think of Braveheart. And then I laughed. Who says Baltimore is a town full of crazed drunks?
2. Is Ravens Stadium the only NFL stadium where fans are patted down at the gates? What exactly are the folks patting fans down looking for? Do Ravens games have a big gun problem? "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow Mack 10s in the stadium. You're going to have to check it at the Fan Center. Just follow that gentleman right there. He's checking his 9mm. You both can pick them up after the game. Enjoy the game."
3. My buddy Ferocity Breakdown made a great call…at the Black Hole in Oakland, the only music that gets played over the loud speakers from warm-ups to the end of the game is heavy metal. If Charm City is a younger cousin of Oakland, (which we believe it is) then Ravens Stadium should only play hardcore rap tunes like F The Police and Gangsta Gangsta. That's appropriate, right?
4. As I was getting patted down, the Ravens intro music came over the loud speaker. Every Ravens fan knows that when the Gladiator music starts up, the Ravens will be coming out of the tunnel soon. After dropping my Glock off at the Fan Center, I enjoyed the following exchange with one of the security ladies…

Security Lady: "You hear that?"
Me: "Yep."
Security Lady: "That's the music for them Ravens."
Me: "Yep."
Security Lady: "Ray Ray be hurt which means we ain't getting no dancing."
Me: "Yep."
Security lady: "No dancing means we in trouble."
Me: "I hear ya."


5. Following the game, Ravens QB Anthony Wright offered this explanation for the Ravens offensive troubles…"They made it difficult for us to get into the end zone and that is something that has been causing us problems. Defenses are taking away the end zone." Anthony, don't ever change. You're a GD genius.

On Friday, look for more nonsense from the Sleep Depravation Chamber and the CSG's Slate picks…