On The Plate ... 11/4/05

Getting My Sleep Deprivation On (Part 1 of Many)

Do you know who has their shiznit together? Steely Dan, that's who.

I'm pretty sure that I haven't slept at all over the last three days. And I feel glorious. And I look glorious too. So glorious that last night a buddy told me I look like I've been smoking crack for 72 hours straight. So glorious that when the PartyBoy saw me he laughed out loud and asked me if I needed a hug. I'm telling you…sleep deprivation is money. (Did you know that you can spell 'deprivation' 'depravation' as well? No you didn't.) For the record, I don't plan on sleeping ever again.

Does a dude who cruises into a work parking garage at 7:30 AM pumping trunk-rattling Tupac from his ride know that he tops the early morning comedy charts when someone like me watches him get out of his car only to find out that he is a 35-year old white guy?

Healthy or not healthy? One gin martini and 3 beers followed by 3 Taco Bell Beef Mexi-Melts and 2 Cheesy Gordita Crunches. Hmmm. That's correct…it's healthy.

On the Slate…

Michigan State (-5.5) at Purdue - Last week's massacre of Indiana has hopefully revitalized the Spartans after dropping three in a row. To be honest, only the magnitude of the Northwestern L sounded alarms in East Lansing. Losing at home to Michigan and at the Horseshoe aren't exactly bad losses. John L. and Co. still have time to right the ship on a season that started so nicely. And let's face it…Purdue has given up. They are few more L's away from needing serious psychiatric attention. Does anyone else think that Joe Tiller looks like the Knights manager in The Natural? Good. I love the Spartans giving anything less than a touch.

Wake Forest (+8.5) at Georgia Tech - Time to put a CSG theory to work. I said I think that the Demon Deacs are the fourth best team in the ACC. Now they can go prove it. Not only do I think getting 8.5 points is glorious, I also think that Wake will straight up win this game. Do you need one fact to calm your "I'm scared of the Yellow Jackets" fears? NC State's one win in the ACC this season…yep, at G-Tech.

Vanderbilt (+19) at Florida - If the Dores score some points, and they will, then they're a good bet. Why? The Gators aren't exactly an offensive juggernaut. In other words, they're not going to hang an old-school 55 points on Vandy. The Gators will score 3 touches and kick a field goal or two. The Dores will score a touch or two. The Gators win by 13 or 14, the Dores' Bowl hopes diminish further and we all make some money. That's how Dores at Gators games are supposed to turn work.

Rice at SMU (-8) - No, I'm not joking. I am betting on a 2-6 team. But don't worry, it's cool. Rice is 0-7. The only stat I need to know to comfort my anxious heart…SMU won at UAB 28-27…Rice lost at UAB 45-26. Rice is awful. I mean really awful. And while SMU's 2-6 record isn't exactly glorious, it's certainly better than 0-7. Think Eric Dickerson. Ride the Mustangs. I've just got a feeling about this one.

Nebraska (-1) at Kansas - You know it's gotten really bad in Lincoln when Big Red is giving a solo to Kansas. One f'ing point. Amazing. So amazing that I think the cats that made this line are completely insane. Sure, the Huskers are strictly average. Sure, Kansas beat Missouri in Lawrence last week. But one point? I don't think so. Show me 3.5 and maybe I'll stay away. Maybe. Bet the Huskers. When they win 2-0, you'll be happy you did.

South Carolina (+4) at Arkansas - Am I missing something here? Didn't the Gamecocks just win in Knoxville? And didn't the 'Cocks beat Vanderbilt in Columbia? Wait, isn't Arkansas 2-5? And aren't the Hogs only wins over Missouri State and Louisiana-Monroe? And didn't Houston Nutt's boys lose in Fayetteville to Vanderbilt? Is anyone else recognizing how perplexing this line is?

Wisconsin (-11) at Penn State - This is Saturday's "Story" Game for more than one reason. We've got Barry Alvarez's curtain call versus Joe Pa's resurgence, and the winner is one step closer to getting a BCS tattoo. In my prior column, I said I like the Nittany Lions in this game. I still do. The kicker is that I don't like them by 11 points. 11 points is a whole lotta points to be giving a "tied-for-first-place" Badger team with Brian Calhoun in its backfield and a Big Ten championship on their brain. This game is going to be a smashmouth slugfest with lots of D, lots of running and lots of grass stains. In games like these, I tend to get intrigued when I see double-digit lines. I like the Joe Pa's to win, but take the Badgers and the points.

For the record, if I were an Irish fan I'd be nervous. Why? At 3-4, Tennessee is a hurt dog. A hurt dog with a good defense. And we all know what happens when you try to punk a hurt dog, don't you? That's right…you get the piss bitten out of you. The bye-rested Irish would be wise to put Smokey down early.

Take it easy Hokie and Canes fans. Don't start jawing at me because I said Wisconsin at Penn State is Saturday's Story Game. The Battle Royale in Blacksburg is Saturday's Money Ding Ding Game. By far.