The CSG is delirious. Clearly, then, it's time to make a few bets. Get involved...check this weekend's Slate.

On The Plate ... 11/3/05

What Do We Got?

Here are five quick answers to five questions that I've received 37 times over the last 3 days…

1. Yes, I know that it's already November.
2. No, I can't believe it.
3. Yes, it's frightening that football season only has four weekends left.
4. No, it hasn't hit me that hoops season kicks off at the end of this month.
5. Yes, I was Ronnie Wood for Halloween.

What's better than a little Conference USA tussle on a Tuesday night? A lot of things are, but I'll take it. Tuesday night lights…the Battle of the Bandits…UAB at Memphis…all on the Deuce. Gloriousness can occur on a Tuesday night after all. Here's a question…who gave UAB the 'OK' to symbolize the UAB Blazer with a dragon? What is a Blazer? I always think of a truck, which frankly would be a pretty cool mascot in my opinion. But come on, a dragon? Can this be overturned? If so, let's get this done. A dragon symbolizing a Blazer…f'ing disgraceful.

Regarding the lack of a posting last Friday...I enjoy Dale Jr's, and sometimes "my friendship" with Dale Jr's get in the way of posting a column. I also got caught up writing a thesis on why I thought it would be a good thing if the Ravens sent Jamal Lewis back to prison. These things happen. For the record, I liked Ohio State (-3.5), Texas Tech (-12), Wake Forest (-13), Colorado (-7.5) and Texas (-37). The CSG can handle 3-2.

I love Conference USA for so, so many reasons. It really is God's conference. Speaking of God, the dude calling the game tonight with Bill Curry may be God. He's a f'ing genius. Although I'm watching the Dragons versus the Male Furcoats on a Tuesday night, I feel like I'm watching Rocky Balboa vs Ivan Drago on Christmas Day in Moscow. It's invigorating. (Regarding, the Male Furcoats comment…if you don't get it, you haven't been reading the CSG for very long. Scope the archives.)

UAB has a wideout named Chico Cleveland. My parents totally f'ed up with my name.

Back to life, back to reality…as we round the far turn and head into the stretch run of the football season, I feel obligated to spew some coast to coast madness in typical crippling CSG-style. I figured we'd take a gander at the damage done thus far and see how much damage lies ahead. And just in case my weekend wrap-up ramblings come at you too fast too furious, I'm gonna break this bitch down one major conference at a time. Go, Mordecai!…

ACC…

First and foremost, how on point were the Hokie one-orange-sleeve jerseys? I mean were they not money ding ding or what. Little Vick looked nothing short of electric ladyland in them threads. OK, so the Hokies passed Test 1 of 3 - they smoked BC. That's great but I'm not so sure I know why BC was #13 heading into this game. Yes, BC was 6-1, but who had they beaten? Clemson at Clemson? Sorry, beating Tommy Bowden doesn't carry a lot of weight around here. In all honesty, the Eagles should have lost the week before to Wake in Chestnut Hill. No matter, they looked inferior to the Hokies. Now the mighty Hokies host the mighty Canes this weekend in Blacksburg for a Saturday night thriller on ESPN. This is the game of the weekend, and really the first of 3 regular season games left that has serious national consequences. Call this game Nationally Important Game #1 (I'll get to the other two later.) In my opinion, and Uncle Beamer's opinion too, I'm not so sure how the Hokies, if they beat the Bark-Bark-Woof-Woofs, do not supplant Texas as #2 in the BCS. The f'ing Canes are the f'ing Canes. If you beat the Canes, you get respect, and in this case, respect should be spelled B-C-S. But let's not get ahead of ourselves…the game should be a gem.

I just hope the Canes don't wear those God-awful retro suits they wore last week against the Heels. They looked like South Florida. Talk about atrocious…although the hurricane warning flags on their lids did grow on me as the day progressed. But only a little bit. Hell, their jerseys even looked a little bit like Notre Dame green. If you ever want to get stabbed, say "Nice Rocket Ismail jersey!" to a Canes fan wearing a retro green #25 Canes jersey. Yep, you'll be down a kidney. We'll find out just how good the Canes are this weekend in Blacksburg. Coker's boys have only played three road games this year…1) L at the Doak…respectable, 2) OT W in Clemson's "Ouch-Please-Don't-Hurt-Us" Valley…hardly respectable, 3) W at Temple…aka, scrimmage. Lane Stadium ain't gonna be a quiet place come 7:45PM. If you're a Canes fan, you gotta hope that the current tune-up stretch of South Florida, Duke, Temple, and UNC allowed Kyle Wright and Co. to work out the offensive kinks. I'm not so sure I'd hold my breath on that tip. No doubt the Canes' D is sick, but the O, or special teams, has got to produce. That's gonna be tough against the Hokies, especially in the mountains.

While we're rapping suits, Clemson keeps treating me to the orange hats / purple pants look. And they keep losing. When the F is Tommy Bowden going to get canned? I know they love him because he beats South Carolina every year but haven't the higher ups figured out that that trend is going to end as soon as the Ole Ball Coach recruits some dudes. The fact that Clemson is a hapless 2-4 in the ACC is pathetic, especially with all of the talent they have. We can also throw Chuck Amato on the firing line because that dude is done done done in Raleigh. The 'Pack is 1-4 in the ACC with a trip to Tallahassee this weekend, Chestnut Hill next weekend and a finale against the Terps. 1-7? Ouch. Seriously, what happened to the "preseason-money-middle" of the ACC? They all stink…Clemson, State, and UVA. I guess the Terps and G-Tech are respectable but it isn't like they're knocking on the "goddamn-they-just-impressed-the-piss-out-of-me" door. And for a supposed doormat, UNC has been more than competitive. Hats off to Diamond John Bunting. For my money, I think Wake is the fourth best team in the conference behind the Hokies, Noles and Canes. For all of my money, I'd put Wake up against any other team in the country with a losing record. (Do you hear me in Knoxville? Yes, I just wrote that Wake would beat the Vols.)

Last, of course, are my beloved Noles. I really can't put into words how violently angered I am by the fact that they lost to UVA. If they hadn't decided to chum on themselves in Charlottesville, the Noles would probably be #5 in the land right now and the hot hot heat emanating from a potential Hokies/Noles ACC Championship of "undefeatedness" would be enough to give me seizures. Not that almost losing to Maryland at the Doak on Saturday wasn't enough to give me seizures. I gotta say that had the Noles not come back to win on Saturday, there's an 87% chance that I'd be at the bottom of the Potomac River right now. Why? Because I would have driven my car off the Key Bridge. I'm a rational person. I also have to say that despite the L to the 'Hoos I am more than pleasantly surprised by the progress Bobby's kids have made during the year, especially offensively. There is hope for the future. This is something I couldn't write in the dark days of Mr. Rix. For the record, if the Noles beat the Pack on Saturday they clinch a spot in the ACC Championship in Jax. Money.

Big East…

To quote Angelica Graynamore from Joe Versus The Volcano... "I have no response to this (that)."

Big 10…

CSG: Hey, Mid-90s, good to see you again. How have you been?
Mid-90s: We've been good. But recently we've been really good now that the Big Ten has gone old school-style. Barry A rocking in his last year in Camp Randall? Joe Pa back in the mix? Ohio State and Michigan staring each other down for a showdown in the Big House? Money ding ding.
CSG: You said it, bros. Awesome.

(That's pretty much what I think the "mid-90s" would say if it were people and I asked them how they've been. Yes, this makes sense.)

When was the last time Wisconsin, Ohio State and Penn State were all deadlocked in first pace in the Big Ten this late in the season? Try 1993. You remember that year, don't you? Barry Alvarez took Wiscy to Pasadena for the first time in over 30 years, upset UCLA 21-16, and won the first Rose Bowl in Badger history. Pretty f'ing money in my opinion. In Alvarez's last season, how awesome would it be for the Badgers to run the table - a W at Penn State on Saturday, a W at home against Iowa in the Party Bowl, a W at Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving - and win the Big Ten for the guy who made Wisconsin football what it is today? I think it'd be awesome. But wouldn't it also be awesome for Joe Pa and the Nittany Lions to beat Wisconsin on Saturday and then beat Michigan State in East Lansing two weeks later for the Big Ten title? A resurgent Joe Pa taking his lads to a BCS bowl game? Yes, that'd be awesome too.

Unfortunately some of this awesomeness is going to end on Saturday in Happy Valley. And, frankly, I think the Badgers are the ones whose awesome ride is going to come to an end. For one, Penn State believes that they should be undefeated and in the national championship hunt (the Michigan loss was numbing). Two, according to Happy Valley folk, the Lions are fired up at themselves about their mediocre performance against Purdue last weekend. Three, the game is being played in the Valley of the Happy. In case you hadn't heard it's a pretty tough place to play. Ask Jim Tressel if you think I'm barking nonsense. Either way, whatever the outcome, it's pretty solid that we have a late Big Ten showdown that doesn't involve Ohio State and Michigan. It should be a helluva game.

While we're mentioning the two perennial Big Ten powers, let's not forget about them. The Wisconsin/Penn State story is great, but unfortunately we need to remember that Ohio State is also tied for first. Those SOBs…always f'ing with a good thing. If you're a Buckeye fan, are you content with how this season has turned out? I don't think so. The loss to Texas was acceptable but I'm pretty sure Tressel-ites are still seething over the L to Penn State…although a W over the Wolverines in Ann Arbor on November 19 would ease that pain rather quickly. Michigan has a much-needed bye this week after back to back to back tough games. (Yes, I'm including Northwestern in the tough game category…they've earned it.) It's pretty amazing to think that the 6-3 Wolves are a "missed OT field goal by the Spartans, a last second TD versus Penn State, and an Iowa OT blackout" away from potentially being 3-6. If you really think about it, Lloyd Carr is one lucky SOB this year.

Remember when Michigan State was going to win the Big Ten and the national championship after they shocked the Irish in South Bend? Me too. Remember when Iowa was going to finish 9-2 and be one of the best teams in the land come January? Me too. Remember when the CSG used to punk Northwestern football because he thought he could? Me too. Remember when Laurence Maroney was going to win Big Ten player of the year, get drafted by the Ravens and make everything right again? Now this I haven't forgotten.

Big 12…

I think I've made my stance on the Big 12 pretty clear…it's Texas on Level 1…Colorado on Level 5…and the rest on Level 10. Other than the Buffs, the Big 12 North is atrocious. But we all knew this was how it was going to be heading into the season. Actually, we didn't know that Iowa State would be as hideous as they are, especially after whipping of Iowa. We found out after they lost to Nebraska. Of course, the Husker win only added fuel to the hoax fire that Nebraska was "good" after starting 4-0. We learned our lesson there though after Little Billy Callahan's gents lost by 17 at Missouri two weeks ago. But, according to the CSG, Missouri is an OK team. Right, of course they are. Fooled again, as the Tigers crashed and burned last week at Kansas. (Yes, the f'ing Jayhawks.)

As for the Big 12 South, it doesn't get much better. Texas is Texas and Texas is big. Understood. But Oklahoma isn't Oklahoma. They're Oklahoma Lite…a demented QB, a porous D and not a hint of swagger. Sad times in Norman. And Texas A&M, a team many were picking to be the darkhorse champ in this division, is nothing short of pathetic. Hey, Aggie fans, after getting throttled last week by the mighty Cyclones, enjoy your next three games…at Texas Tech, at Oklahoma, Texas. Good times. As for Texas Tech, aka the munchkin schedulers, I think it's about time that we all admit we have learned a lesson. If Texas Tech is 5-0 because they have destroyed three D-II teams and both teams from Kansas, it doesn't mean that they are good. It means they suck. Case in point…Red Raiders 17, 'Horns 52. Yep.

Two more things regarding the Big Dozen…1) I love the Big 12. It pains me to write about the wretchedness of the conference. But when you're sick, sallow and disgusting, you're sick, sallow and disgusting. 2) Just a reminder to pencil in Colorado vs. Texas in the Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship. (For the record, I f'ing hate Dr. Pepper…it tastes like Robitussin. However, I do like writing "Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship" because it's gloriously ridiculous.) Just remember that this game has produced some insane national championship-bending results…a la…1998: #10 Texas A&M 36, #1 Kansas State 33 in 2 OTs…or 2003: #15 Kansas State 35, #1 Oklahoma 7. Don't yell at me, Randall…this is just a reminder that the Big 12 Championship is capable of eating some craziness pie…I'm sorry, the Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship.

SEC…

True or False…the fact the Vanderbilt is a half game ahead of Tennessee in the SEC East standings on November 1 because of the Ole Ball Coach winning in Knoxville with the Gamecocks makes the CSG happy. Answer: True, very much so. How about that? F'ing unbelievable, huh? Actually, the Vols would be 1-5 in the SEC if LSU hadn't choked in Baton Rouge earlier this season. Think about that for a second. Preseason #3 Tennessee Volunteer football is now 2-4 (should be 1-5) in the SEC at the November turn. Does this not confirm that the Bugs Bunny Giant has no clue about what he is doing? (How many times in a season do I have to write this?) He is loaded, and I mean loaded, with talent, and they are 2-4. Laughable. Glorious. I f'ing hate the Vols. And now I'm starting to think that the Dores might have a shot to beat them in Knoxville on November 19. Holy Jesus…talk about glorious…I'd lose my f'ing mind.

After watching the Georgia/Florida game, I have two conclusions…

1. I feel awful for the Georgia players. And for Joe Tereshinski. And for DJ Shockley. The Dawgs are good. In fact, I think they are damn good. But they aren't any good with a QB who is thrown into the Gators den for his first ever start. Not too many teams would be good in that scenario. I'd like to see the Trojans or the 'Horns play the Irish or the Sooners without Matt Leinart or Vince Young. Things would be a little different, don't you think? Indeed.
2. I absolutely 100% despise Urban Meyer. Urban reminds me of a guy who owns a Hummer. A non-existent, quiet, dejected SOB when he loses and the loudest, in your face, f'er on the planet when he wins. He's like a bad JV football coach. Urban needs to get a GD grip. If you can't tell, he angers me greatly. (As I've said before, this is a good thing. By the time the Noles travel to The Swamp on November 26, I'll be burning Gators flags in the middle of M Street.)

The biggest story in the SEC revolves around the SEC's biggest surprise and the biggest games left on the SEC slate. Translation: Alabama is undefeated and #4 in the country. However, their road to an undefeated season, a SEC championship and a potential national championship are still eons away. Why? Because the Tide still hosts LSU and Auburn in Tuscaloosa on November 12 and November 19 respectively. These collective games represent Nationally Important Game #2. Why? Because if LSU or Auburn beats the Tide, 'Bama's perfect season ends and with it so too does the potential BCS headache that could have been caused. And that's no good. I love BCS headaches…they make playoff chatter noisier year after year. The Tide better buckle in because the Bayou Bengals, although coached by a man without a brain, are the most athletically gifted team in the SEC bar none. As for the War Eagle, coach Tuberville's kids are 5 missed field goals (in one game mind you) away from garnering serious national recognition. A 7-1 Auburn team would be ranked in the Top 10 and sounds much scarier than the current #17, 6-2 team. But don't think that Coach Shula and the Tide aren't aware of how scary Auburn is, no matter their record. 'Bama, LSU and the War Eagle brawling for SEC West power late in November? F'ing money.

Pac-10…

Welcome to the Jokestore.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not. The Pac-10 sucks. Actually, let me remedy my prior statement…USC is awesome, the other nine teams suck. Yes, I think UCLA sucks. There I said it. Who has UCLA beaten? Other Pac-10 teams sans USC? In other words, donkey. Oh yea, they also beat a downtrodden Sooner team that had already lost to TCU. Start the f'ing parade, Bruins! Seriously, I respect that they are undefeated but is anyone, can anyone, why would anyone take UCLA seriously for more than 2 seconds. The "mighty" Bruins have come from behind to win four of their last five games. Admirable? Not really. The four vicious opponents were Washington, Cal, Washington State and Stanford. Not exactly earth-shattering competition. All of this being said, UCLA at USC on December 3 is Nationally Important Game #3 behind "Tide vs Tigers x 2". Why? 3 reasons…1) It's a blood game. Anything goes in blood games. Last year's Trojans/Bruins battle is all the proof you need. 2) UCLA has a potent offense. And USC's defense is suspect. If the Bruins can muster a few stops and a turnover or two, the game could get interesting. 3) It is both teams' last game of the season. After UCLA loses to Arizona State in two weeks, they will have had three weeks to prepare for the undefeated Trojans and they'll play with nothing to lose…unlike the Trojans who will have everything to lose. Why am I writing about this game? Because UCLA is the only team left on USC's schedule that has a prayer of beating the Trojans. That's why.

I have a few comments regarding the rest of the Pac-10…

1. What happened to my boy Dirk Koetter, his boy "Nasty As He Wants To Be" Sam Keller, and the rest of the Sun Devils? I've been wearing a GD ASU helmet since the middle of September and I've gotten nothing in return. This is BS.
2. Cal blows.
3. Oregon doesn't suck. I have just hated them since Kellen Clemens got hurt and I subsequently got hurt on a bet at Arizona. Actually, now they suck without Clemens.
4. I hate Stanford but I'm happy for Walt Harris that he has turned the ship around since losing at home to California-Davis.
5. I think that Oregon State and Washington State, as long as they stay bad, are my two favorite left coast teams. The renegade factor is out of control…and I love it. Cadillac grills all over the joint.

No joke…CSG picks from the Slate posted this Friday…one more thing…

Like I said much earlier in the column, last weekend I was writing a diatribe on why I thought it would be money if the Ray Rays put that miserable SOB Jamal Lewis back in the clink for a little while. I was preparing to write a eulogy for the Ravens season and franchise on Monday night during the Steelers game. However, the Ravens did not die last Monday as most doctors had predicted. In fact, there are small traces of medical evidence that the Ray Rays may be on the verge of a miraculous recovery. However, in order for this to become a possibility, the Ray Rays must undergo surgery. The kids need a transplant. The transplant is scheduled to occur this Sunday at M&T Bank Stadium. Doctors are calling the transplant one of the most dangerous medical procedures ever attempted. The CSG, his boy Ferocity, and 71,000 of their favorite rednecks will attempt to give the Ray Rays a soul transplant against the Bengals. If successful, many doctors, including the CSG, believe that the Ray Rays will have a strong and speedy recovery. However, if the CSG and his friends fail, the Ray Rays will perish. Needless to say, all forms of medicinal treatment will be brought out for the procedure including tall, cold Dale Jr's, Marlboro Red 100s, purple camouflage pants, face paint, Kelly Gregg jerseys and, of course, the sacrificial killing of several Bengal fans on the way to the stadium.