On The Plate ... 10/24/05

All Aboard the CockaBoose

Yes, that says CockaBoose. More on that GD gem later in the program. But first, let it be known that the CSG is coming to you live from Arlington, VA for a little type-and-go in front of Monday Night Football.

You're thinking: That's great, CSG, but why the F are you doing that?
I'm answering: 1) I love the Hotlantica Falcons giving 9 in tonight's affair. 2) I need Alge Crumpler and Michael Jenkins to score a combined 20 fantasy points or fewer in order to win my fantasy game this week.

Good enough reasons? I think so.

Early observations…Vick's mullet is money…The odds were 1-to-1 that Jonathan Vilma would say he was from "The U" and he did…Jets DE Dewayne Robertson's platinum grill is straight up Cash Money Millionaires-style…Warrick Dunn's thick-ass gold chain gets me choked up remembering the Noles yesteryears…Jets tackle Jason Fabini might be Buffalo Bill… Remind me to never be the jackass on TV with a Falcon on my head and two gigantic foam Falcon claws on my hands.

Can someone make the Geico Tiny House ad a real TV show? It would be kind of awesome. Speaking of kind of awesome, it's 7-0 Birds. Mr. Vick is far from slow. On the Vick tip, last Thursday everyone in College Park enjoyed Marcus Vick's back to back to back interceptions in the third quarter. What they didn't enjoy was not getting any points from the turnovers and then watching Sir Marcus go nutty on the ensuing three Hokie touchdown drives en route to a 28-3 Terp dismantling. Regarding penciling in the Hokie Nation as the "Auburn of 2005", has everyone forgotten that, unlike USC and Texas, V-Tech plays in a real conference? The Hokies still have BC and the Canes in Blacksburg this Thursday and next Saturday respectively. And then they go to Charlottesville for a bloodmatch versus the Cavs. The Cavs are scary. Don't believe me? Ask the Noles. F. Anyway, stroking a check to Virginia Tech for their "automatic" berth in the Orange Bowl (or whatever bowl #3 plays in this year) is a bit premature. Quite obviously, the Canes game looms the largest on the schedule, but I'm pretty sure Papa Beamer won't be getting tons of rest heading into Thursday night.

For the record, I love the Jets uniforms, I love Herm Edwards, I love Vinny, I love everything about the name "Laveraneus" and, frankly, I think I love the Jets. They're so ridiculous. How can you not love them? They're like a f'ing cartoon.

Is the Atlanta crowd singing Hip Hop Hooray right now? How beautiful is a football game…80,000 people get together, have some giant beers and end up singing some Naughty By Nature after a Vincenzo interception…glorious.

As this game bores me to death, let's round up last Saturday's action…

I hope everyone has caught their breath from the barnburner that occurred in Chapel Hill: UNC 7, UVA 5. No, this was not fall lacrosse. Yes, there were plenty of lax haircuts in the stands. This game made me feel extra warm and fuzzy about FSU's loss to the Wahoos last week. While I'm getting nauseous regarding the Noles, I'd like to point out that the vaunted Mickey Andrews D that I have chirped about consistently is beginning to give me heart palpitations…24 points to Duke…to Duke?!? Breathe, boy, breathe.

Three outcomes that flipped me for real…

1) Michigan 23 at Iowa 20. I really thought (along with every media jackass unfortunately) that the Hawkeyes were doing their typical Hawkeye "struggle early, win 9 straight at the end of the season" dance. Apparently not. And f'ing Michigan…all they do is keep screwing with my teams, keeping the Big Ten a jumbled mess all the while keeping themselves right in the thick of the Big Ten title hunt. I've decided that I hate them, but that I also respect them immensely. Oh, and I also decided that Lloyd Carr is a GD genius for the following answer to this question…

A clueless woman sideline reporter: "Coach Carr, what does a win in overtime do for your program?"
Coach Carr (looking puzzled): "A win in overtime is the same as a win in regulation. It's a win, and it's good." Indeed, sir, indeed.

2) Northwestern 49 at Michigan State 14. Uh, John L. Smith, why is your team fading into the black? Or should I be asking…uh, Randy Walker, why is your team suddenly sillified? Or should I be taking "how to properly curb a Spartan" lessons from Brett Basanez and Co.? Hey Vanderbilt! Look! Yes, look over here! F'ing Northwestern is beating the donkey out of Michigan State in East Lansing! For the love of God, why the F can't we beat MTSU? I just ate a valium.

3) Arkansas 20 at Georgia 23. Sirens have not stopped going off in Athens since DJ Shockley got hurt. Why? Because everyone is preparing for the no-Shockley Bulldogs battle versus the hated Gators in Jacksonville among some cocktails. And if the Dawgs' "escape at home" versus the woeful Hogs is any indication of how much DJ Shock (great f'ing nickname…I'm a genius) means to UGa's success, Dawgs fans can kiss their undefeated season and national championship aspirations bye bye. The Gators, despite being in a serious rut, are still the Gators. Chances are that Urban's boys will bring a bit more punch to the ring than Houston Nutt's lads did in Athens. For the record, this totally blows for the Dawgs, and more importantly, for Shockley. After sitting behind David Greene for 3 years, DJ finally controls this team that is having a money year due to Shockley being money. And now the poor kid gets hurt before the biggest Dawg rivalry game, not to mention the most important game of the Dawgs season. A total shame. Root for the Dawgs.

NFL football is painful. I can hardly watch this game. In fact, I stopped watching this game two hours ago. I bailed on this one late in the second quarter with the Falcons up 20-0. A little Laguna Beach into Food Network is how I'm rolling. Worst Laguna Beach episode ever. But next week looks nothing short of stunning. If you've ever had cuttlefish and like it, here's some advice…do not watch Battle Cuttlefish on the Iron Chef? It is repulsive. It's mesmerizing too, but horrifying.

27-14 Falcons with 10 minutes to go. Interception Jets. Not good news for me. Back to Food Network and last Saturday…

The Big 12 is awful. Nebraska sucks…punked by 17 at Missouri. I don't necessarily think Mizzou is a slouch but come on…they're no one to write home about. Oklahoma goes to two OTs with Baylor. When is the last time that junk happened? Has that ever happened? Texas A&M wins by 2, yes only 2, in Manhattan, KS. (For those not in the know, Kansas State is in Manhattan, KS. Crazy, huh?) Anyway, A&M is pathetic. The Longhorns may hang 80 on the Aggies in College Station. Oh, and what happened to Kansas State? How many programs go from perennial Top 10 to miserable in a span of 5 years? (Probation sold separately.) Oklahoma State should just stop playing football for the rest of the year. It's embarrassing in Stillwater. At least Texas Tech is good. Riiiight. That game was laughable. So where does this leave us? Right where we were two weeks ago… Colorado versus Texas in the Dr. Pepper Big 12 Championship. And just like two weeks ago, the Horns are going to do to the Buffs what the white man did to the tatanka Dances With Wolves-style…shoot them, skin them and leave them for dead. (In all honesty, I do think that 'Rado is pretty good. They're just not in Texas' class. In fact, no one is in Texas' class except those SOBs out west…and I'm not talking about UCLA.)

After a few nervous moments, all is well on the homefront. Final: Falcons 27, Jets 14. Homeboy be a winner.

Now let's talk about losing…

I hate the Pac-10…especially Arizona State and Oregon. Of course the weekend I go big on the Pac 10, ASU loses at Stanford and Oregon give up a 21-0 first quarter lead only to win by 7 at Arizona. Guess what? Those outcomes weren't what I was looking for.

I love when Tennessee loses. 'Bama's win made me elated. F Fulmer and F the Vols. Roll Tide. This game was numbing to watch. Defense, defense, defense. For the record, 'Bama kicker Jamie Christensen had the time of his life after making the game-winning kick. He also had the time of his life after the game. You know you're night is going to be money when Verne Lundquist gives a "He won't have trouble finding a date to homecoming this year!" over the CBS national broadcast after the kid made the kick. 'Bama biscuits love winning kicks…especially over the Vols.

It was fun watching Vanderbilt's season end with a loss at South Carolina. Sorry, that was wrong. It wasn't fun. It was heart-breaking. The Dores should have won that game. But hey, the season was fun prior to the MTSU loss. Vandy at 4-0 is a bit ridiculous…and I'm a big fan of ridiculous. Reality had to set in sometime, right? One last thing on the Dores at 'Cocks game…my youngest brother, who is Kid Dore-a-mite himself, was at the game in Columbia and shared a tidbit that gets the first ever weekly FMA (f'ing money award). Apparently parked outside of Williams-Brice Stadium, there is a full length old school train called the CockaBoose. Each of the CockaBoose's train cars have been renovated into luxury "skyboxes" loaded up with a full bar, catered grub and multiple TVs to catch the other SEC action in progress. If sitting inside isn't your thing, each car has stairs that take you to the roof of the car where more TVs and coolers of Dale Jr's await. Now that, my friends, is f'ing money.

Back at ya later in the week with my eulogy for the Ravens, a little World Series chatter and, as always, the CSG's picks On the Slate.