On The Plate ... 10/21/05

Fight Club

If you're not up on this, get up on this…apparently last year, in the midst of midseason locker room turmoil, Mike Tice, the head coach of the Vikings, said he would fight any player on his team. Yep, he blatantly told all of his players that he would gladly fight any of them if they wanted to go. Umm, when Tice gets canned in two weeks, I plan on writing a letter to Steve Biscotti, owner of the Ravens, demanding that Tice be named, at the very least, the new offensive line coach of the Ravens. Hell, I'd love him to be the head coach. F Billick. All Billick does is yap. And it's pretty evident that the Ray Rays have no intention on ever listening to his yap. So what do we do? We bring in the big fella, The Genius Mike Tice. For God's sake, the Reverend Mike Tice will fight those crazy, renegade, murdering SOBs! Just imagine Tice in a Handicap match versus lazy-eyed Edwin Mulitalo and The Artist formerly known as Jonathan Ogden? Tice dominates! What about Tice in a Ladder match versus "I'll Kill A Bitch" Chris McAlister? Tice would kill that bitch! I mean seriously, can we get this done or what?

The Rays Rays need a Mike Tice. They need discipline. If discipline has to be enforced with a flying elbow drop, then so be it. If Derrick Mason has to get power-bombed on the locker room floor to send a message, then send it. If Zeus (aka Orlando Brown for those not in the know) has to get DDT'ed through a plywood table, that's fine by me. Discipline. The kids need discipline. It's kind of like what my Dad told me a few days ago while discussing the MLB playoffs…"Rocket is all business. If the Ravens had a guy like Clemens, they'd have no problems right now. Clemens would kick their asses into gear." Agreed. So will someone please tell Biscotti to get off his obnoxious ass, get out the checkbook and make a move on the Glorious Mike Tice, or Roger Clemens for that matter? The result? Tice kicks some ass, the Ravens get some W's and Charm City owns a heavyweight championship belt. Money.

On another planet, in a Playboy interview, my boy Ron Artest said that he wanted to challenge Ben Wallace to a boxing match to be televised on Pay-Per-View for $10 million each. WWRAD…what would Ron Artest do…WWRAD…what wouldn't Ron Artest do…that's more like it. I need to make these T-shirts ASAP. Artest is a GD genius. And, for the record, Ben Wallace would kill him.

Speaking of the NBA, how about the new dress code? Personally, I think it's money that players have to look like professionals for press conferences, and not one of the Wu-Tang Clan. On the other hand, making a dude wear a suit on the plane is asinine. Guys should be able to wear pajamas on the plane if they want. Honestly, how much is the NBA struggling with trying to get a "positive identity" that they are forced to change the f'ing dress code? Absolutely hilarious. On the funny tip, here are my Top 5 favorite comments regarding the change…

1. "I think it's basically retarded." - Tim Duncan. Duncan is money. This statement sounds like something I'd say. Excellent use of the term "retarded."
2. "But as far as chains, I definitely feel that's a racial statement." - Stephen Jackson, aka the second craziest person in "the League" behind my homie WWRAD. Of course, the presence of chains, or lack thereof, is racist. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's what the league is going for. Nothing like a little racism to help out your identity crisis. I always knew David Stern was a hatemonger. He definitely looks like one. Sweet Jesus, has the world gone insane? Mr. Jackson needs to be medicated heavily. Now.
3. "If you've got 10 suits, you've really got 30. You just have to mix and match 'em right." - Desmond Mason. Sorry, Des, that's wrong. If you've got 10 suits, you've got 10 suits.
4. "Movie stars in L.A., they're not always in jackets and ties, and they're setting trends, and we're looked at in the same light." - Wally Szczerbiak. Shut the F up, Wally. Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of...
5. "I'm a dresser, so it's not going to be that much of a change for me." - Jalen Rose. We doin' big pimpin, we spendin' cheese…

Did you all know that Nashville has replaced Detroit as Hockeytown, USA? It's true. You can't go 5 minutes without getting hit with a "How 'bout them Predators, boy!" or a "Get in there boy and fetch me a power play!" It's really quite astounding. Even more astounding is when I got this response from my buddy, Little Nielson, who grew up in Albany, GA but now lives in Nashville playing in a band called The Lost Trailers…(yes, that was a plug for the LT's…they're money…get in that mix)…

Me: What up, man?
Little Nielson: Man, being from the mid-Atlantic region, you have been to a professional hockey game before, right?
Me: Yea, I've been to plenty of games.
Little Nielson: Man, let me tell you. I went to the Predators game the other night and it was f'ing awesome.
I'll tell you…it was a seminal experience in my life.
Me: Wow.

Little Nielson's use of the terms "mid-Atlantic region" and "seminal" were absolutely brilliant. I need to get Little Nielson and Tim Duncan together. They'd be one helluva tag team.

If this Nashville infatuation with hockey continues, will people start tailgating for Preds games? God, I hope so. Just imagine a 55 degree February 12th day in Nashville and dudes have been smoking ribs and pork shoulder for 12 hours before the puck drops at 7:30PM. Talk about glorious pie. Woo-wee.

If you want to go temporarily insane, listen to Track 1 on the Lo Fidelity All-stars album 'How to Operate with a Blown Mind' entitled "Warming Up the Brain Farm." The titles tell you all you need to know.

Albert Pujols is guilty of first degree murder. He murdered Brad Lidge's hanging slider in Game 5. That was electrifying. If they weren't playing in that ridiculous little box called Minute Maid Park, that ball would have landed in Roy Hobbs' glove in a cornfield in Nebraska while he was having a catch with his kid. And Glenn Close would have been watching them looking scary as ever. I'm happy I stayed up to watch the end of the game. And the only reason I was up was to watch the Houston-ites go berserk and potentially see some downtown footage of cars being turned over and lit on fire. But King Albert decided to go nutty on Lidge leading to the collective oxygen being sucked out of Houston and me giving a "Ha Ha" to the TV Nelson Muntz-style.

The CSG's take on the Series…in Game 7 former Yankees teammates The Rocket and El Duque will be pitching in relief by the 5th inning for the 'Stros and Sox respectively. And the following 10 innings will be remembered as the greatest pitching duel in baseball history. Sox end up winning in the bottom of 15. Why? Because the Rocket loses his gourd when he realizes he's not going to get any run support for the 43rd time this season and ends up tagging four straight batters in the noggin Piazza-style. (Seriously, I think it's going to be a gem of a Series. I'm pretty fired up for it. I like both teams, they both have great stories and they both have rabid fans. That being said, I have no idea who is going to win, but I'm pulling for the Sox. Shoeless Joe hasn't slept in 86 years. The kid's tired.)

On the Slate…

BYU at Notre Dame (-18.5) - At first glance, this game didn't intrigue me. Then I read that Charlie Weis is calling this "the home opener" of the second half of the season. And his players are amped about it. Once again, absolute brilliance on Chuck's part. After last week's gem, I believe that the Irish kids want nothing more than to get back out under TD Jesus' watch and give the Irish faithful something to cheer about. Did you know that the Irish have lost four straight home games? Not after this week. The Irish dismantle BYU.

Purdue at Wisconsin (-8) - 2 Facts…1) Wisconsin is 4-0 at Camp Randall this year. 2) Purdue is heading into Camp Randall after 3 straight home losses. The road isn't going to be any better for the Boilermakers. I like the Badgers and all of their biscuits.

Texas A&M (-4.5) at Kansas State - Was A&M's 62 point outburst last week against the Pokes the wake-up call that they needed? I believe so. Coach Fran knows that his lads need to tighten the screws this week in Manhattan and next week at home versus Iowa State. Why? Because they end their season at Texas Tech, at Oklahoma and at Texas. Yikes. The Aggies were supposed to make noise this year. I haven't heard a sound yet, but I haven't given up listening. A&M wins by enough to make you smile for betting them.

Texas Tech at Texas (-15) - Seriously, is Texas Tech any good at all? How do we know? Does one win at Nebraska, in the final seconds no less, mean they are the tenth best team in the country? I don't think so. The Red Raider Greatest Show on Anything doesn't apply to big games versus serious teams. And the Horns are serious. Mack's boys' effort last week against the Buffs stopped my doubting. They're good. They're really good. And I think they're going to punish TT. Texas Tech is playing for respect. Texas is playing for a national championship. There's a big difference. Bet UT.

Louisville (-22) at Cincinnati - Rebound game for the C-A-R-D-S Cards? Indeed indeed. After last weekend's heartbreaker in Morgantown, I strongly believe that U of L will be looking to break more than hearts in Cincy. And it helps when Cincinnati is miserable. The Cards go up big early and never look back.

Oregon (-10) at Arizona - I hate the Pac-10 but I love betting it. This line is a joke. I have one simple piece of advice…sell everything you own and bet half of the proceeds on the Ducks and the other half on…

Arizona State (-9) at Stanford - …the Sun Devils. Or just put the whole bag of coin on a sweet-ass parlay with the Ducks and Devs. By far, these are my two favorite bets of the weekend. Why? Because if ASU won by 18 in Corvallis against the Beavers, then they'll win by 20 in Palo Alto. As for the Ducks, well, they just flat out love to score and Arizona's gonna have to eat that sandwich Saturday night.

Final thoughts…the 3:30 time slot hits a "CSG trifecta"…Dale Jr's will be very necessary…

Vanderbilt (+8) at South Carolina - The Dores must win to stay in the hunt for a bowl birth. Unfortunately they have to go to Columbia where the Ole Ball Coach is waiting to lay down one of his signature Vandy smackdowns. Making matters worse, the Cocks need a W for the same reason Vandy does. This game has "painful" written all over it. But don't worry, I'll be fighting the good fight.

Florida State (-30) at Duke - This is a tune up game for the Noles before Maryland travels to Tallahassee next weekend. If the Noles aren't up 30 at the half, I'm going to be ill. (For the record, I never bet on the Noles. It's bad vibes.)

Tennessee (+3.5) at Alabama - The Top 5 Reasons why I love the Hate Game of the Week.

1. I love that the Tide is back.
2. I love that the Bugs Bunny Giant is going to catch a dumptruck load of xrap from the Tide faithful. He is officially their #1 arch-enemy after whining to the NCAA about the Tide's recruiting methods leading to NCAA sanctions against 'Bama. Do you have any idea how many disgusting faces that SOB BBG is going to make during this game? Priceless stuff.
3. I love that I'll be able to rock my Tide T-shirt and actually have a purpose in doing so.
4. I love that folks in Alabama are calling this the biggest game in Tuscaloosa in a long, long time. Apparently, a lot of "make sure you get those Vols" shouts are being given to the Tide players. Beautiful.
5. I hate Tennessee.