On The Plate ... 10/19/05

Now That Was A F'ing Saturday

Some things are money, some things are money ding ding and then some things are f'ing money. Being money means you got on the VIP list for the G'N'R show at The Roxy, being money ding ding means you are kickin' it, sippin'whiskey with G'N'R backstage at The Roxy, but being f'ing money means you are the Dope, the Ace of Spades, and the Cat's Pajamas all wrapped into one at The Roxy. In other words, you're Axl f'ing Rose.

Similarly, there are Saturdays, there are Saturdays that ding, and then there are f'ing Saturdays. And kids and kiddettes, in case you hadn't heard, this past Saturday was Axl f'ing Rose. Not only was the gridiron ball absolutely unstoppable, but the CSG witnessed this unstoppability while crushing Dale Jr's in an "inside but outside" room at Sam's in Nashville. Good God no? Good God yes. You know those rooms/decks at certain bars that are technically inside but because they have giant open windows you feel like you are outside? Yea, that's what me, my brother and The Banditos were working with last Saturday. And needless to say, it was nothing short of glorious.

From the Georgian red tidal wave to the last gasp in South Bend, it's time to round 'em up…

Saturday had its own version of the seven wonders…seven mind-boggling games with seven wild finishes. But, as we all know, only one of the games is the "Game of the Year"… Trojans 34. Irish 31. It's the best game I've seen since Miami/Ohio State in the 2002 National Championship. Hands down. It's probably one of the best games, at least from an electrifying standpoint, that I've seen in any sport in a while. (Of course, this excludes any games that include teams that I'd cut a hand off over.) Fourth and 9. One f'ing 4th & 9 away from a collective national jubilatory outburst as the Trojans streak comes to an end. But, as is the norm, those SOBs from SoCal got the 4th & 9 and 52 extra yards just to make sure they had kicked everyone squarely in the junk. A perfect pass, a perfect catch, against perfect defense. Maybe Santana Moss is a GD genius…maybe big time players do make big time plays…the Trojans did exactly that.

OK, enough USC back patting. I f'ing hate the Trojans. I hate Leinart, Bush, LenDale, Pete Carroll, the f'ing Trojan mascot, the f'ing band, the f'ing horse and anything else Trojan. (For the record, LenDale is a brilliant double-first-name-combo-into-one-pronunciation. That's the only thing I like about USC right now.) I'm just so sick of them. They won't lose. The Trojans are so good that after the Irish scored with 2:02 left, The Mayor looked at me and said "They'll score. The Irish left them too much time." Say what? Say yes. Say you, say me. Sorry. Only USC can make people believe that with 2 to go, down 3, under TD Jesus' watch, against a ferocious crowd and an even more ferocious Irish D that they are going to win. I was convinced, and I was pissed. I knew it was going to happen. But I guess that's why they are the best. Are they best team in the country? Yea, until someone stops them, they are. On Saturday, the Irish may have been the best, and for much of the game they were, but when push came to shove Santana Moss was right and that SOB Leinart was walking off the field with a W for the 28th straight time.

For the record, if I was a hardcore Irish fan, I'd be absolutely devastated. I still wouldn't have gone to work…I'd be sick, sallow and sullen mourning the loss. But while I was mourning, I'd have a nice warm feeling in my belly from 1) the whiskey and 2) my giddiness knowing that Charlie Weis has the Golden Domers back. And I mean f'ing back. Get ready, Nation, the Irish are officially national champ contenders again.

I gotta say that for being in a bar in Nashville Sam's was pretty pins and needles over the Irish game. And why not? The game was nothing short of spectacular. Also, let's not forget, some of them southern boys have motives of their own…i.e. undefeated 'Bama and the undefeated Dawgs. A USC loss gets one of these teams closer to the Rose Bowl. And both need all the help they can get. Being stuck behind Texas and Va Tech is not exactly the best position these squads want to be in heading into the second half of the season. 'Bama came back down to earth on Saturday, didn't they? Yikes. There were plenty of 'Bama boys looking awfully winded after squeaking by the not-so-mighty Rebels in Oxford. As for me, I winded myself choking down a catfish sandwich (for breakfast, of course) watching skeptically as Mike Shula and his Tide ran onto the field with glee after kicking the game-winning field goal. Call me a SOB if you want, but don't teams that expect to win games like this one only give a fist pump, a pat on the back and get the F out of the stadium. I don't know…all the excitement made me scratch my head…maybe 'Bama still hasn't gotten the memo that they are #6 in the country.

As for the Dawgs, I had the opportunity to see their fans up close and personal in the 'Ville. Without further ado, here's the CSG's Top 5 observations about Georgia fans…

1. They come in numbers. Big numbers. (Honestly, why wouldn't you though? You get to come to Nashville, watch your team beat the donkey out of Vandy and then party for 24 straight hours before driving home drunk to Athens with the rest of their redneck friends. Just kidding, Georgia, you know I love you.)
2. Georgia fans wear a lot of red. A lot. A whole lot. Red hat, red shirt, red pants. At one point, my buddy, Sodapop, yelled "nice f'ing red pants" to a dude in a band of Georgia fans about our age. When he got no response from them, I informed him that had he been wearing a Tennessee hat, he would have been gutted, but since we were jackass Vanderbilt alums, Georgia fans find it inappropriate, uncivilized and a general waste of time to address us, much like a medieval lord would treat a peasant.
3. There's gotta be something special in the water in Georgia. The biscuit train was nothing short of glorified unstoppableness. Those aren't words, I know…I'm trying to simulate the awestruck retardation my brain experienced each time a Georgian Biscuit rolled through. And yes, I'm capitalizing that combination of words from here on out…they are worthy.
4. They love some embroidery…there were a lot of Georgia "G's" sown onto khakis, jeans, shorts, jorts, Zubaz, etc. I thought that was odd, but hey, I'm only from Maryland. (Yes, unfortunately I'm lying about the Zubaz.)
5. Dawg fans average about 10-12 beers each before going to tailgate before going to the game. I'm talking men and women. They git 'er dun. Now that's aggressive, and frankly, impressive.

Did you know that my brother used to think that Seve Ballesteros' name was Steve Ballesteros? I don't know why I just thought of that, but it made me laugh out loud. And now I'm sharing it with you. How interesting, how bizarre.

Oh yea, Georgia beat the Dores in workman-like fashion. I didn't go to the game. I was still undergoing electroshock therapy from the Trojans/Irish ending. The once-mighty Dores are now a not-so-mighty 4-3 overall, 2-2 in the SEC. Nevertheless, if someone had told me that after seven games Vanderbilt would have a winning record, I would have bet them a pint of Clorox down the hatch…and right now I'd be getting my stomach pumped. Good thing no one offered me that bet, huh?

Speaking of bets, my underdog parlay of Penn State and Florida saved me. I was the only one who got saved...the Nittany Lions and the Gators were not so lucky. The Penn State/Michigan game was just plain silly. Actually, only the fourth quarter was silly, the first three quarters were numbing. Penn State's drive to take the lead with 53 ticks on the clock was outstanding. Michigan's drive, on the shoulders of Steve Breastons's kick return, was astonishing. I was just happy that the Wolverines scored their winning TD with no time left so that they didn't have to kick the extra point. This kid would have pushed his bet if they had.

As for the Gators, the only thing I watched with consistency regarding this game was a biscuit rocking a LSU T-shirt and tiger ears on her head as she taunted the hell out of her friend in a Gators T. As Disco put it, "F, I love the south." A question regarding the outcome of this game…Did LSU's victory take Les Miles off of the LSU hot seat for the time being while putting the invincible Urban Meyer on the Gators hot seat? I do believe so. Has anyone started www.fireurbanmeyer.com yet? Urban's supposedly money-ass offense looks like xrap with a capital X. Granted the LSU D is stout but when Urban is already defending Chris Leak as his starter for the World's Largest Cocktail Party in two weekends, you know there are problems in Gainesville. For the record, I think I hate Urban Meyer. This is a good thing…now I can go back to passionately despising the Gators. For a year or two there, I was getting soft on them. No mas. Oh, also for the record, Les Miles was off that hot seat for about 8 hours. He's totally back on it as Auburn comes to Death Valley this weekend. A W against Tommy T's lads and Uncle Les might start seeing some of that old love come back in Baton Rouge…and in Arlington, VA.

Do you think the punter for Minnesota made it safely out of the Metrodome after botching the game against Wisconsin? Me neither. If he hasn't been put into a wood-chipper yet, he better pack his bags and move to Canada. I assume he's already got the accent, right? He'll fit right in. I'm sure he's a hockey fan, and he'll be able to show off his money football knowledge to Canadian girls when they're at a bar watching the CFL. (Remember the Baltimore Stallions? Those were the good old days.) How money ding ding is it when the winner of the Paul Bunyon Axe (a money ding ding idea in and of itself) is the away team, in this case Wisconsin, who promptly pretends to chop down the goal post at the Metrodome, Minnesota's home field? Pretty f'ing money. For the record, I think that every Minnesota game has a "prize" at the end of it…two weeks ago: the Little Brown Jug…last week: Paul Bunyon's Axe…this week: who knows? I can't wait. I hope it's a Razorback.

I didn't see a second of the trip-OT thriller between West Virginia and Louisville. And frankly, I'm not that upset about it. Big East football's motto should be…"I Don't Live For This." Three quick thoughts though…1) F Louisville football. I'd much rather have WVU represent the Big Famine than UofL; 2) Louisville does represent nicely in the windbreaker category so maybe I need to retract point #1; 3) Don't forget Temple in the Big Famine race. They may have gotten kicked out of the league but they beat the spread against Miami and the Big Famine will do anything right now for some positive press. For the love of all things holy, the 'Cuse got carjacked 31-9 by The University of New Jersey in the Carrier Dome, sweet-ass newcomer South Florida tanked at hideous Pitt, and the "rising program" at UConn got bitch-slapped at comatose Cincy. Things are definitely looking up for the Owls.

On the topic of "positive press," the f'ing press, including my homeboy Lee Corso, can stop giving Cal adulation on the tip that Cal is going to beat the Trojans in Berkeley on November 12. After back to back road losses for "Cal, a tough Pac 10 team" , I've decided to set the line and over/under three weeks early for the USC at Cal game…USC -45…O/U 45. F Cal, and the Pac 10. I'm back, you west coast SOBs. Let the belittling begin again.

Two girls in Kirk Herbstreit jerseys were screaming at a TV during the Ohio State/Michigan State game while I was trying to watch the 'Bama game. The girls were clearly Ohio-ans who had been brainwashed in that miserable hellhole and then were transplanted to a far-away land called Nashville, one of the finest pastures in America. Unfortunately, their actions were enough for me to decide that they should go back to the same hellhole from which they came, along with their high decibel level, Herbstreit jerseys and basic Ohio inadequacy. I have nothing more to say regarding their actions, or mine for that matter. I was the sophisticate in Sportman's Grill at that juncture as I was simultaneously mumbling obscenities at these girls because Michigan State was losing while packing a catfish sandwich into my face.

It's a good thing Colorado played well in Austin. Yep, I was all over that one. Sure, I was. I have bruises from talking junk about Texas' D.

Normally, the thought of someone having 34 smokes in 12 or so hours would be pretty revolting. But when one of your buddies throws 34 rockets into the fire on a glorious Saturday in Nashville, that revolt turns into beauty.

Last weekend's Top 5 reasons why I will not be able to figure out the ACC this year, or maybe ever again…

1. Clemson travels to Raleigh and destroys NC State and Chuck Amato's job. (Clemson's uniforms in his game, by the way, might be my favorite uniforms ever…the orange hats, white jerseys with orange numbers and purple pants…f'ing unstoppable.) 31-10 in Raleigh? What?
2. Wake and BC play a shootout in Chestnut Hill. Of course they did. What?
3. Miami doesn't cover against Temple. I'm sorry. This is astounding. Hammerin' Hank must have been so pissed with Coker for calling off the dogs.
4. The GD Noles lose in Charlottesville. This game nearly killed me. I'm serious. But I knew it was going to happen, didn't I? I mean I called it, right? For once, at the very least, I feel like the Noles D is who gets the blame for the L, not the O. Granted the O couldn't get any points on the board after quick, long drives, but at least they moved the ball. There were way too many penalties and fluke plays on the FSU D. This may sound a bit overboard but Tony Carter, FSU's freshman cornerback, needs to be shot. Out back, shot, thanks. I'm sorry, but this one was emotional. I was changing shirts, T-shirts, jerseys, shoes all in the name of voodoo and got nothing. Games like this are the ones that drive me crazy…games when the Noles have so much more talent, dominate the game but don't score, the other team gets a few breaks and makes a few crazy plays and all of a sudden FSU is down 5 with 3 minutes to go and your face is in your hands because you can't watch the inevitable F up by the Noles. In a nutshell, there it is. And now the ACC Atlantic Division race is back on. F'ing UVA and BC…always f'ing with me.
5. Maryland and Virginia Tech interestingly both had bye weeks heading into Thursday night's brawl in College Park. Why? How'd that work out? Apparently some folks in Blacksburg circled this game early…

Thursday Night Lights…

Virginia Tech (-11) at Maryland - Now this is a Thursday night game I can get involved with. Not necessarily with my wallet, but definitely with my arms pushing back Dale Jr's into my Cadillac grill. This game is muy importante on the college landscape. Homies in Austin, Athens, Tuscaloosa, Tallahassee, and Miami will be watching this one intently. BCS ripples are felt with a Hokie L. But most folks think that the Hokies are gonna roll the Terps. I'm not a buyer. The Fridge is like Charlie Weis…you don't want to face his offense after a bye week. That dude has a big brain…the Terps will be prepared. The counter-argument to what I just wrote is that you don't want to face Bud Foster's defense after a bye week. That dude is just plain crazy. So, something's gotta give, right? Indeed. On paper, this game clearly looks like a huge mismatch in VTech's favor. But I'm gonna play the FSU at UVA card here. The Hokies have been rolling as of late coming off a road win at West Virginia and a home drubbing of Marshall. Letdown time? Perhaps. Maryland has three consecutive wins and is beginning to look top-half-of-the-ACC-worthy again. Throw in a nationally televised game in front of what is going to be a painfully drunk, obnoxious, long-O throwing, Sheppard Pratt-esque crowd and you have the makings of an upset. Do the Hokies lose? Don't think so. Is it close late? Close enough to keep the Hokies in their seats with 5:00 to go and not in the parking lot lighting things on fire. Will I laugh gleefully when 51,500 Maryland fans hearts are broken? You bet.

Over/under on number of fights in College Park…129. I've got a G on the over.

Back with King Albert's blast, a 'Stros/Sox preview and picks from The Slate on Friday afternoon.