On The Plate ... 10/14/05

"I Ain't Lying, This is How I Stay Healthy"

It's always refreshing to hear friendly banter between a Metro cop and a Metro janitor when walking to work on a rainy, early fall day…

Cop: "You better get moving, man."
Janitor: "Come on man. I know. I will."
Cop: "I ain't lying."
Janitor: "I know, man. This is how I stay healthy."

I have no idea what these two dudes were talking about, (don't worry, they really were friends, not a cop badgering a janitor), but their commentary struck a chord with me. There was something soothing in the words "this is how I stay healthy." Why? Because as I was walking to work, I was thinking about how glorious some of the lines are on this weekend's slate. And "staying healthy" among those lines is the name of the game, right? Right. Yes, I was spinning lines in my dome this morning on the way to work. Think of me as a child at Christmas and the lines as visions of candy dancing. And let me tell you, candy has its f'ing dancing shoes on this weekend. I ain't lying. I would know. How? This is how I stay healthy, suckas.

On the Slate…

South Florida (+2) at Pittsburgh - Let me get this straight. Pitt is 2-4 with two "solid" wins over Youngstown f'ing State and Cincinnati. South Florida is 3-2 with a curbing of Louisville in the W column and losses at Penn State (by 10) and at Miami (by 20) in the L column. Yep, these stats add up to South Florida definitely getting points. Say what?!? Pitt is arguably the biggest joke in college football this season. South Florida, on the other hand, owned the Cardinals in Tampa and gave two more top ten teams about as much as they could handle. I assume that Pitt is favored only because they are at home and the Bulls have not won on the road yet. Hmmm…when did Vegas lines start comparing games at Happy Valley and at the OB to games played a Panther Stadium, or Heinz Field, or wherever the F the Panthers play? I don't know and I don't care. I just love the fact that USF is getting two points. Lovin' the Bulls.

Colorado (+17) at Texas - How do you spell letdown game? C-O-L-O-R-A-D-O. While the folks in Austin are still whooping it up after their sacrificial offering of the Sooners, the Buffs have quietly crept into the Top 25 after back to back slaughterings of the Pokes and A&M. Remember that the Buffs only L this year is a 20 point defeat to the Canes, once again, at the OB. (For the record, in case you didn't pick up on this trend, not many teams win at the OB.) Remember when I chirped about not believing how good Texas' defense is? Yea, well I still don't believe it. Stopping the not-as-mighty-as-they-once-looked Buckeyes and the emergency-room-table Sooners aren't exactly two trophy-worthy defensive performances. Now consider that the Buffs have put up 72 points over the last two weeks. Yes, 72 against Okie St and A&M isn't exactly a good comparison to scoring in Austin, but you get the point…'Rado can put up some points. And they're on a roll. I think King Bandit, Gary Barnett, has his team of mountain bandits primed to give the Longhorns an old-fashioned Big 12 backyard tussle. Do the Horns lose? Don't think so. Take the Buff and the 17? Definitely.

Georgia (-15) at Vanderbilt - I have a theory…when the floodgates open, go with the flood. The Dores followed up their glorious loss to MTSU with a stagnant performance against LSU last weekend. Now the Dawgs come to town after whipping the BBG in Knoxville. Yikes. Don't think for a second that UGa is going to take this game lightly. They're in sole possession of first place in the SEC East, and f'ing around in a game like this is the last thing they want to do. I hope the Vandy fans (including me…I'll be there) tuck handkerchiefs into their suit pockets and handbags. Why? Because Georgia is going to punch the Dores in the mouth early and often…the kids are gonna need something to wrap some ice in for the fat lips that are dished out by the Dawgs. Give the points, bark with the Dawgs.

Miami (-40) at Temple - Laughter is apparently very healthy for you. Consequently, Miami is very healthy after seeing this line. Canes -60 might have been a little more appropriate.

Penn State (+3.5) at Michigan - Let's play the "If this team beat this team, and this team beat this team, then how can this team beat this team" game. OK, if Penn State beat Minnesota by 30 in Happy Valley two weeks ago, and Minnesota beat Michigan in Ann Arbor last week, how can Penn State be getting points from Michigan in Ann Arbor this week? Wait, I think I know…no one can figure out Michigan and no one believes in Penn State yet, so Vegas went with the typical 3 point line for the home team. Weak. I've gone against them two weekends in a row and I've lost. Now I'm on board w/ Joe Pa & Co. I like the Nittany Lions and, thank you, Mr. Stardust, I'll take those points as well.

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M (Pk) - The last two weekends I have bet against the Pokes and I've won. Why change a good thing? The Pokes are awful. So are the Aggies, but the Aggies will win.

Kansas State at Texas Tech (-14) - What team takes the most pleasure in punking the xrap out of donkey teams? You guessed it…the Red Raiders. Well, Kansas State is a donkey team, Texas Tech didn't score nearly enough points last week at Nebraska, and the TT fans are pissed that they didn't cover (including me). So what does this all mean? It means look for at least 50 to be hung up by Mike Leach's Men in Black in Lubbock on Saturday. Raiders giving the points pays the money.

Washington at Oregon (-15) - The Duck Duck Gooses won by 14 in the Valley of the Sun (Devil) last week. Impressive. Now the Fluorescent Green Machine comes back to Autzen Stadium where they are tough as balls (when they aren't playing USC for 2 halves). Scary. Coach Ty has never made the trek to Eugene into the O-Zone. Rookie. Washington might be coming off a bye, but Oregon has Pac-10 "second place" hopes. Fact. Ducks are on a roll, and will roll the Huskies.

Nebraska (-2) at Baylor - Wait a second, Baylor finally wins a road Big 12 game, in Ames, Iowa no less, and now point spreads are tight when the Bears play? No comprende. Gotta like the Huskers, right? (For the record, now that I am betting on Penn State and Nebraska this week, as compared to against them the prior two weeks in which I lost, I will lose this week once again signaling that I have no idea what I'm doing.

Florida (+6) at LSU - Remember my Les Miles theory? You know…always bet against him (except when he is playing Vanderbilt)? Yep, me too. 6 points seems like a whole lot of points to be giving a Gators team with their backs against the proverbial SEC wall. Then again, the Tigers are up against that GD wall too as they look up at 'Bama and Auburn in the SEC West. Hmmm, maybe my theory won't stand up if Les' Tigers are wildly hungry? I doubt it. You don't get much hungrier than the Tigers were on that Monday night 3 weeks ago and they still opted to choke versus the Vols in Death Valley. If Les loses this game, there is a 63% chance that he won't make it home in one piece. Sorry, Les, looks like we're gonna need to get out the Baton Rouge search & rescue team. Gators chomp.

Staying away but always thinking…

Alabama (-12.5) at Ole Miss - Why is everyone making such a big deal out of Tyrone Prothro's season ending injury? Sure, the kid's money ding ding, but come on now, isn't this getting a bit out of hand? 'Bama's D isn't affected by Prothro's injury, and in case you couldn't remember, it's the D who carries the Tide. I feel bad for Prothro, I feel bad for Mike Shula and I feel bad for the Tide in general…OK, now I'm over it. The Tide is good with or without Prothro. So why don't I like the Tide in this game? I'm not sure…I think I just talked myself into betting them.

Louisville (-7) at West Virginia - Just think…the winner of this game could be playing in a BCS bowl. God, the Big East is awesome.

Wisconsin at Minnesota (Pk) - The Badgers are weeping. The Gophers are dancing. Throw in the Dome-field advantage and call the CSG clueless on this one.

Michigan State at Ohio State (-6.5) - Two and a half weeks ago people were talking about this game as the determining factor in the Big 10 championship race. Now people are talking about this game as a determining factor as to which one of these teams will be completely forgotten in the Big 10 race. The loser of this game is left playing for a bid to the Citrus Bowl.

Florida State (-7) at UVA - As a Noles fan, why does UVA freak me out so much? Maybe it's the fact that the Wahoos have tons of talent but just haven't exhibited it yet. Maybe it's the fact that UVA always plays the Noles tough in Charlottesville. Maybe it's the idea that FSU's young offensive guns are due for a letdown after two impressive performances against the 'Cuse and Wake. Maybe it's the fact that Wake hung with the Noles through three quarters at the Doak. Or maybe, it's the fact that after permanent scarring left by Chris Rix, I have learned to trust no one in garnet and gold…not even Sir Bobby Bowden himself. There's a very high probability that I'll be giving myself mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when UVA is up 21-17 with 5 minutes to go. I hate the Wahoos. I love the Noles. These types of games take years off of my life.

USC (-11.5) at Notre Dame - The game of the day. Bar none. Hell, this may end up being the game of the season when all is said and done. The mighty Trojans head to TD Jesus' backyard to take on Charlie Weis' two-week rested brain. Wow. Pretty f'ing interesting, huh? Indeed, very much so. Let's talk…USC gave up 21 points to Arizona last week. Not impressive. The Irish gave up 44 points to Michigan State in South Bend four weeks ago. However, the Irish threw 49 on the board two again in a defiling of Purdue. So what gives? I don't really know. I do know some things however…1) USC's defense is not as talented as it has been in prior years. 2) Charlie Weis and the Irish will put points on the board. 3) Nodody has come close to stopping the Trojans offensive juggernaut this year. 4) It should be a glorious game. Lots of folks chirping on the street think that the Trojans are gonna pound the Irish. I don't think so. I think this is going to be an epic game. A back and forth slugfest…something in the realm of USC 77, Notre Dame 73. I'm not joking…well maybe kind of.

And where will I be enjoying this glorious game? At Sam's, of course, in Nashville, TN, aka the land of milk, honey and southern-drawled biscuits that grow on trees. Now that tastes good. Many of The Banditos are making the trip as well. On the flip, I hope to tell tales of windbreaker geniuses, prison breaks and the time Vanderbilt beat #5 Georgia at homecoming.