On The Plate ... 10/07/05

Love Them Or Hate Them, I Really Don't Care

Most people that I know hate the Ravens. And really, why wouldn't you? They're all-black-wearing, trash-talking, murdering, Super Bowl-winning, boring-game-playing thugs that get tons of hype. Ray Ray, Deion, Reed, Billick, Jamal, McCalister, Ogden, Ozzie and Bischotti. What was once a new team in Charm City in 1995, is now a Super Bowl Champion five years removed. And since 2000, the noise from Charm City has been loud. Real loud. And only getting louder. The spotlight found Ray Ray, and the decibel level hasn't dropped since in the City that Reads. And, frankly, I love it. And so do 71,000 other rednecks that pack M&T Bank Stadium eight Sundays in the fall to get their Ravens on. Yes, they come early to watch Ray dance. Yes, they stay late to get into a fight. And yes, they bleed black and purple.

They have tattoos of devils, naked women, Chinese symbols, snakes, bowling pins, and, of course, Ravens. They smoke like chimneys and drink like fish. They yell at everything, even each other, even when they are happy. They cuss like sailors, tell opposing fans to F off, piss on floors and eat the xrap out of sausage. They're Ravens fans, the east coast version of Raiders fans. And I was in their midst for the first time in almost a year. And it felt good. Going to M&T Bank Stadium is like having an opportunity to be an inmate at Chino for an hour without having to stay for life. It's nothing short of glorious, and highly educational.

Here are the Top 10 things I learned/heard last Sunday as the Ray Rays finally got their first W over the hapless J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. (For the record, word on the street has it that the Colts, the Baltimore Colts, started that cheer with C-O-L-T-S, Colts, Colts, Colts. So what? So Baltimore is money. So the Jets are nothing but a bunch of unoriginal punks. So the SOBs in Indianapolis that took the Colts haven't come up with a money ding ding cheer in over 20 years.)

It is appropriate to read the following out loud in a heavy South Baltimore accent…a lot of long-Os, muffled pronunciations and basic illiteracy.

1. From the gentleman sitting behind me, who was a genius by the way… "Man, I don't give a F how we win this f'ing game. Man, I don't give a F if we win 9-7. I'll f'ing take it. I just wanna get a f'ing W." Indeed, sir, indeed.
2. Apparently every Ravens fan believes that they have a one-on-one conversation with Brian Billick throughout the game. For example, "Come on Brian! You know Jamal can't run that ball in there. Can we run some f'ing play-action on first down for Christ's sake? What do ya say, Coach? Come on!" I love how from row 32,431 a Ravens fan will still call Billick "Coach".
3. Everything in Baltimore is just "down the road about a mile."
4. The phrase "Come on!" is said over 10 million times during a Ray Ray game. But it's said more like Come ooaennn!
5. Never wear opposing teams gear, or even opposing colors for that matter, to M&T Bank Stadium. The genius behind me offered these kind words to a dude in a Jets jersey… "Hey, Jets f'ing suck!" When the guy didn't respond to this offering, the genius retorted with "that's it, go ahead and be an a-hole." Of course, this makes sense.
6. Dale Jr's taste like wine at M&T.
7. Halftime is absolute mayhem. Why? Because every Ravens fan is a chain-smoker. The stands empty and the stampede hits the concessions burying rocket after rocket after rocket. It's one of the simplest forms of humanity I've ever witnessed. It's zoo-worthy.
8. Conversations can be had with only two words… "Yea" and "No."
9. The tattoo-to-person ratio is just north of 3.5-to-1.
10. You can hate me for loving them, but I do.

You can also love or hate these…

The Slate…

West Virginia (-4) at Rutgers - If you read the column earlier in the week, you now know that Rutgers has only won 4 Big East games in the last five years. So please tell me why the Mountaineers, a team that many pundits were picking to give V-Tech a scare in Morgantown last weekend, are only -4. Rutgers beat Pitt last week, not Miami. I love WVU.

Oklahoma at Texas (-14) - This game is killing me. Why? It's the Red River Shootout, Texas has Mack Brown, and Oklahoma has Bob Stoops. Brown always chokes, Stoops always scares me and the Sooners always win in Big D. And 14 points is a whole lotta points for a game that means so much. That being said, the Sooners lost at home to TCU, got blistered by UCLA and didn't look astounding last week in the "tune-up" game with Kansas State. Texas, on the other hand, keeps murdering people after their win in the Horseshoe. If I were a betting man, I think I'd look past the fact the Mack is a mutt and take the Horns. The Sooners are bad enough that 14 points, although a lot, is worth giving from a Texas team looking to put the hurt on OU.

Missouri (-6) at Oklahoma State - I think I'm going to bet against everything that is, or has been, associated with Les Miles starting with Oklahoma State. I liked the Buffs in Stillwater last week and they punished the Pokes. I like Mizzou this week too.

Texas Tech (-4.5) at Nebraska - 70 points. That's how many puntos the Red Raiders Greatest Show on Anything put up against the "Blackshirts" last year in Lubbock. Ouch, my Nebraska hurts. What makes me think anything different will happen this year? Nothing. (I know I bet against the Huskers last week and lost. But I learned something from last week…Iowa State sucks too.)

Maryland (-28.5) at Temple - Temple is getting less than 40 and Maryland put up 45 on UVA last week…the locks keep coming when the Owls take the field.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Penn State - Guess what? Just like the Huskers, I'm going to renege on the props I gave the Nittany Lions earlier in the week and take Ohio State. It's simple. I need more proof that the Lions are as money as the kids say they are. Stopping Laurence Maroney is money. Putting up 44 on the Gophers is money. What I can't take to the bank yet is the idea of PSU moving the ball on Ohio State's trio of backers. In all honesty, I hope I am proven wrong. F the Buckeyes. Let's get Penn State back in this mix. The only kicker is that my brain is telling me not to bet with my heart.

Staying away but always thinking…

Wake Forest (+21) at Florida State - I lose sleep when the Noles play Wake. I know, it's kind of stupid, but I do. If you don't believe the agony I've been thru with the GD Demon Deacons, read my column from last year's epic in Winston-Salem entitled "Dead Man Talking" on 10/23/04. I'm intrigued to see how my son Drew Weatherford continues to develop in this one. Will he have a relapse or will he continue to improve? God, I hope it's the latter.

UVA (+7) at Boston College - Is it just me or is the ACC impossible to bet? UVA, BC, NC State, Georgia Tech and Clemson are numbing. I refuse to bet on the Noles and the Canes F me every time I try to bet them. I guess the Hokies are the only ACC team that I have won any money with this season. As for the Cavs at BC, I am lost.

Georgia (+3) at Tennessee - In my humble opinion, this is the premiere game of the day. The unbeaten Dawgs roll into Knoxville for a good old-fashioned SEC East slugfest. For the record, is there any conference that comes close to the moneyness of the SEC? I mean seriously. Dawgs at Vols in front of 110,000. Glorious. There are three reasons why I'm not getting involved in this one…1) Both teams played poorly last week against the lowly duet from Mississippi, 2) this is a hate game, and hate games are tough to predict, and 3) the Bugs Bunny Giant is always a little tricky in Neyland Stadium.

Iowa (+5) at Purdue - Remember when the winner of this game was billed as the potential Big Ten champ? Me too. Now the loser of this game is in serious morning doo.

UNC (+13) at Louisville - Why do I think I like UNC in this one? Opposing teams get shitakied at Louisville. Reason 1 of 1 why I'm not getting near this one.

Texas A&M at Colorado (-3) - If Coach Fran needs OT to eek by the mighty Bears of Baylor, why aren't I all over the Buffs? That's a good question. To be honest, I need a little more proof from Gary Barnett's partyboys before I fully get on the 'Rado wagon.

Cal (+1) at UCLA - I know nothing about these teams except that 1) they are both from California, 2) they are both undefeated, and 3) they are the only remaining legitimate teams with a shot to beat USC in the Pac 10. (Notice I said Pac 10…don't worry, I didn't forget about the Irish in two weeks.) We'll learn a little more about which team the Trojans will have to practice a little harder for after this one.

Oregon (+10) at Arizona State - I know only slightly more about this game than the aforementioned one. I know that both of these teams are the last two victims in the Trojans 26-game winning wake. I know that both like to score in bunches. And I know that both play little to no defense. It should be entertaining. As to who will win, I really have no idea. However, because it is the late late game, if my Slate picks don't pan out, I think I'd be inclined to make a move on the Ducks. 10 points is 10 points.

Oh yea, I almost forgot…

LSU (-15) at Vanderbilt - Yea, about that Les Miles comment that I made a little earlier…Be smart...Bet your mortgage on the Tigers. The Dores are done.