On The Plate ... 10/05/05

The Obvious, the Incomprehensible and a Nickname Clarification

If I told you that the PartyBoy isn't really known as the PartyBoy, would you believe me? And if I told you that the Original Ninja is actually known as the PartyBoy, would you believe that too? I hope so. I've taken a lot of heat about PartyBoy confusion over the last two weeks and it's time to set some things straight. The dude that I have mentioned as PartyBoy in this column several times over the last year (most notably last week in Chicago, last year's NCAA tournament, etc.) is not really the PartyBoy. He's the Grandfather. Not my Grandfather. Nope, just the Grandfather. And the dude that I introduced as the O.N., aka Original Ninja, two weeks ago is in fact the PartyBoy. Why the confusion? There really is no confusion as long as everyone understands the nuances between the dual lives I lead. Don't worry, I'm not confused, I live both of them. Everybody got it now? Good. One PartyBoy, one Grandfather, one happiness pie for all of us. Now I can finally sleep.

If I told you that I am going to shotgun this column kind of like the 3 bottles of wine I drank at the PartyBoy's wedding last Saturday, would you believe me? You should, because I am, and I did.

The Obvious…

The CSG will be watching a bucketload of baseball playoffs this year. Remember last year? Yea, me too. I think I saw a total of 2 1/3 innings of playoff ball and it nearly killed me. Unacceptable? Indeed. Well, like my homey Andy Dufresne so eloquently stated, "get busy living, or get bust dying." In other words, absolutely GD right…the CSG will not be missing many late night gems on the diamond over the next four weeks. 3 quick thoughts…1) F the Red Sox, F the Angels, F the Yankees, Love the White Sox, 2) F the Braves, F the Padres, let's see a rematch of Cards/'Stros, 3) the GD Red Sox are going to win the World Series again, it drives me insane, but it won't stop me from wearing my Tejada jersey T-shirt. (Yep Disco, Mora is no longer alone.)

Things that have become obvious to me in the midst of "the aftermath"…

1. Vanderbilt's 4-0 start was painfully too good to be true.
2. Talk of Vanderbilt making a bowl was fun but bogus at its core.
3. I should have listened to the Mayor when the Dores were 2-0 and doing everything in their power to lose a 21-point lead to Ole Miss…"We are the biggest losers in college football."
4. Never write about losing to LSU when Vanderbilt has to play Middle Tennessee State first.
5. Never underestimate a MTSU team that, prior to the Vandy game, was 0-3 and hadn't scored more than a touchdown in each of its losses, two of which were to North Texas and f'ing Akron. These are good stats.
6. This Saturday night, I will be wearing my Vanderbilt jersey, crushing Dale Jr's, throwing profanity at the LSU Tigers, and praying for a miracle. I love the Dores. I just hate them right now.

North Carolina is officially scary. Back to back wins over the Wolfpack and Utah. Not exactly something that "those in the know" were penciling in when this season kicked off. If I were one of the ACC biggins, I'd make sure I know where the Heels fall on the schedule. Actually, I'll lay it out…at Miami Oct. 29, BC Nov. 5 and at Va Tech Nov. 26, not to mention at Louisville this Saturday. Yes, it's the toughest schedule in the country. Yes, the Heels may not win any of the aforementioned games. And yes, the Heels will beat the heartless Wahoos on Oct. 22 in Chapel Hill.

I know I write it every year, but Colorado has some of the dopest suits on the planet. Speaking of the Buffs, is it wrong for me to be borderline giddy that the Big 12 North championship, although clearly a JV version of the Big 12 South, is poised to be decided on the Friday after Thanksgiving when the Huskers travel to Boulder? Old school, right? A kid can dream, can't he?

On the old school tip, how about Nebraska, Penn State and 'Bama all remaining undefeated? I didn't see any of these games on Saturday, but you all know I was chirping loud against the Huskers and the Nittany Lions. Respect now given. A Husker QB throws for 431 yards? Indeed. Laurence Maroney is held to 48 yards on the ground in Happy Valley? Happy indeed. And as for the Tide, well hell. 31-3 over the Gators is all anyone needs to know. I'm ultra psyched to know that, once again, beers can be had in Tuscaloosa with smiles on people's faces. (For the record, the three of these teams need to be good. They're classics. And we all need a classic every now and then. When they're good, college football is better. Unfortunately I only think the Tide have the umph to make some noise on a national level. But you never know, right? We'll find out soon. The Buckeyes, and College Gameday, travel to Penn State this Saturday. And the Huskers host Texas Tech. Two wins by two classics will definitively mean they are back…at least in 2005.

The Irish offense is disgustingly good.

Everything about Virginia Tech is disgustingly good. So good, in fact, that everytime I turned back to the Hokie game from the Battle of Michigan, Marcus Vick was either dancing, giving 63,500 Mounties the Bird or skipping back to the sideline after a score. They're so good, they're actually having a lot of fun. Now that's disgusting.

The Ole Ball Coach is not a happy man in Columbia. I mean how can he be…his squad is 2-3, with 2 consecutive ugly SEC losses to 'Bama and Auburn. However, there is a glimmer of hope for the OBC. The G-Cocks host the mighty Wildcats of Kentucky this Saturday and then the Dores roll into town. As sad as this makes me, the OBC could be 4-3 in two weeks. Now that the season has started, I wonder how many USC players have gone to the clink, yet no one has heard about it. I'd say it's a healthy number. In fact, maybe Coach Spurrier has been reading the Bugs Bunny Giant's new book… "Inmates Win Games if You Don't Tell Anyone They Were There In the First Place."

Speaking of Auburn, maybe it is time to start speaking about Auburn again. They are quietly 4-1 and head to Hogland this weekend to move to 5-1. I'm going to stay quiet for now. In two weeks, Tommy T's boys get their first test since Georgia Tech in Week 1 when they travel to Baton Rouge.

Bowling Green (-30) hosting Temple was the easiest bet of the year thus far.

The less I watch the Noles, the more I love them and the more nervous I get for them. Wake at the Doak on Saturday…always frightening.

The Incomprehensible…

How the F did Vanderbilt lose to MTSU? I mean seriously. Someone shoot me. I thought we were good. We looked good. We were 2-0 in the SEC and beat Wake at Wake. Now an L to MTSU?!? And people wonder why I write things like this column's opening paragraph. This xrap makes me absolutely insane. For the record, my brother was totally right…crap looks so much cooler with an "x" in front of it.

Miami's stagnant offense. 27 points against South Florida? 23 points against Colorado? I thought the Canes were loaded with "big time players" who make "big time plays." Apparently not.

Texas A&M 16, Baylor 13. OT. I have no response to this. Dumbfounded. What happened to Coach Fran's resurgence in College Station? For the record, I had no idea that College Station was so close to Austin. That damn Horns/Aggies rivalry is making more sense to me everyday now.

Clemson. 2-3. Hmmm.

UCLA's 21-point "outburst" against the mighty Huskies from Washington. Yikes. All the noise about the L.A. showdown between the Bruins and Trojans just got a little less noisy.

Why are folks talking about the Red River Shootout like it's going to be a slugfest? People have seen the Sooners this year, right? People know that Rhett Bomar is Forrest Gump's nephew, right? I just want to make sure. Also, how do you feel about this statement…this year's Texas team is the equivalent of last year's Oklahoma team…not that good, but looking really good in a depleted Big 12. I'm not wrong.

Rutgers has only won four Big East games in the last five years…and of course they got W #4 last Friday night against Pitt. Sorry Mayor, but Pitt might be the biggest losers in college football. Incomprehensible and obvious? Dave Wanstedt will be fired at the end of the year. He has to get canned, doesn't he? At least, for Dave's sake, Nick Saban isn't doing well with the Dolphins…right.

UVA's consistency at disappointing. Isn't Al Groh supposed to be a money coach who gets money players? Where's the ding-ding? At some point in the near future, will media folks please stop ranking the Cavaliers in any poll…ever. They're going to lose, fellas. And lose to teams that shouldn't beat them. Kind of like the Terps…I'm actually glad the Terps beat those punks. Just helps weed out the weak.

In a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hide-type performance, what the F was up with the Wolverines this weekend? 21 first quarter points? Granted, Michigan State is not exactly a defensive powerhouse, but come on. The Spartan loss is actually a good thing. Why? It just makes the Big Ten championship race that much more nutty…Michigan and Iowa are now back in the mix fighting with Wiscy, Penn State, Mich State and Ohio State…making my glorious return to Will's Northwoods Inn in November that much more glorious. Badger femaninas for everyone!

Speaking of femaninas, or not…I went to the Ravens game last Sunday and enjoyed a mutant-fest like none other…tales of long-O's, devil tattoos and yelling at Brian Billick from row 12,548 coming on Friday along with the CSG's gut-busting picks for this weekend.