On The Plate ... 9/29/05

Wow Times Wow Equals Wow

Notice that I didn't write "Wow Plus Wow Equals Wow." No, that would be too juvenile for the City of Big Shoulders. Man, a weekend of wow-ifying outcomes on the gridiron was only perpetuated by a wow-ifying visit to Big Ten country under the watch of the Windy City. Where do I begin? Easy. Will's Northwoods Inn for the Michigan at Wisconsin game. I mean f'ing WOW.

Will's motto is "A Little Bit of God's Country in the Heart of South Lakeview." I have no idea where South Lakeview begins or ends, but I do know that I wasn't in Iowa and I thought that I was in heaven. Will's is absolutely unstoppable for a Badger game...especially when Musky Fest is going on, especially when Leinenkugel's are flowing like wine, especially during a Badger game when Big Red wins in the waning seconds of a slugfest with Michigan, and extra especially when biscuit after biscuit is decked out in "Sconnie" gear, crushing Leinie's, and high-fiving the piss out of the joint. The PartyBoy had to talk me down…I was hyperventilating due to the absolute joy I was experiencing…

PartyBoy: "Dude, are you OK?"
CSG: "I love this f'ing place!"
PartyBoy: "I understand this. It's God's country. But you look like you're about to go down."
CSG: "I'll be fine. Do you think they'll let me sleep here tonight?"
PartyBoy: "Of course. God doesn't turn away one of his children, does he?"
CSG: "I love this f'ing place!"
PartyBoy: "Just keep breathing, bro, and this joint will take care of the rest."

Absolutely GD right. Let me just put it this way…I loved Will's so f'ing much that I am going back to Chicago for the Wisconsin at Illinois game. I clearly didn't get enough Will's. So I'm going back for more. Much, much more.

Have I mentioned that biscuits, I mean rocking, chart-topping, money biscuits, grow on trees in the Windy City? I can't emphasize this enough. The Midwest has it all figured out…easy living, cold beers, and biscuits galore. I'm getting a little nutty just writing this junk. Wow.

(For the record, if you're ever in need of a painfully good meatball, go see PartyBoy's boys, Giancarlo and Guido, at Club Lago on Superior Street. Lago makes the only meatball that has reminded me of the meatballs that my Great Aunt Julia makes. And Aunt Julia's meatballs are the best on the face of the planet. Ask anyone who has ever had one. Talk about f'ing unstoppable. Impressive work done at Lago. And yes, Giancarlo and Guido are their actual names…joint's been in their family for generations…f'ing money.)

Coast-to-coast wows…

I just saw an ad for a product called "Urine Gone!" I think a wow isn't inappropriate.

As my plane was landing in Chicago on Friday afternoon, I overheard some chatter between two guys sitting behind me. One of the guys was a Penn State fan and was clamoring about how PSU's game at Northwestern was "the first big game of the year." Excuse me? Northwestern? Big game? Wow. How the mighty, and their fans' expectations, have fallen. Penn State barely won the game 34-29. Not a good sign. Congratulations, Nittany Lions, you squeaked by the mighty Wildcats. Now my homeboy Laurence Maroney and the Golden Gophers come to Happy Valley. Where I come from, this is a big game. Buckle in Happy Valleyians, it may be a long, long day.

Maroney for Heisman anybody? 46 rushes for 217 yards against Purdue? Indeed. Wow.

While I'm rapping Big Ten wows, how about the CSG actually stringing together a few solid Big Ten picks last weekend? Michigan State, Minnesota, and Wisconsin helped me beat the Internet. Iowa f'ed me on a parlay but the Irish, who should be in the Big Ten, made up the difference. Well done, CSG, well done. (For the record, I rocked my Iowa City T-shirt Saturday afternoon in Chicago, including in Badger-laden Will's, and much to my surprise I didn't get punched in the grill. I actually got many sympathies...just goes to show you that everyone in God's country hates Ohio State.)

Who else loves the Samsonite Spinners song? Anybody?

I leave the ACC for one weekend and nonsense ensues. John Bunting's Tar Heels whack Chuck Amato's Wolfpack in Raleigh. Wow…for two reasons. 1) Haven't I been telling everyone not to sleep on UNC? Indeed I have, but I never thought naps would be taken by the Pack. 2) With this loss, I fully believe that Chuck Amato has given NC State enough ammo to fire him at the end of the season. Unless the Pack go on a serious winning streak including W's at G-Tech, at the Noles and at BC, not to mention a home brawl with Clemson, Amato's out. And let's be honest…those W's ain't happening. It'll be an interesting dilemma for the NC State uppercrust…do you fire a guy that has gotten loads of talent to come to Raleigh yet hasn't been able to consistently keep his team in the upper echelon of the league? Personally, I think Amato is great for NC State. His teams are very talented, and he keeps expectations high. Breaking into the ACC vault guarded by FSU, Miami and Virginia Tech is nearly impossible, and would be for anyone in the country, especially on a consistent basis. Amato may not have ACC bling but he's made the Pack a legitimately scary team in the ACC. Realistically, what more can the Pack faithful really want? It beats sucking, that's for sure.

Have I made it evident that I hate everything from Boston? I mean everything. How many gut-wrenching games is Clemson going to be a part of this year? How numbing was this game? I saw none of it…the ACC does not exist in Chicago. And I'm not sad about this…10-10 at half. Ugh. Zero points scored in the second half. Double-ugh. Two BC field goals beat one Clemson FG in OT. Shoot me.

One word…Curbing. Thank you Virginia Tech for making me look like a GD genius. Yea, Reggie Ball played but he clearly was not healthy. I know everyone is chirping it, and it aint my thing to jump when the jackasses jump, but this time I have to…the Hokies look really good.

Wow to a pair of SEC 4-0's. 'Bama for the first time since 1996, Vanderbilt for the first time since humans switched the calendar to A.D. Speaking of ADs, how awesome is it that the Dores have no athletic department and are 2-0 in the SEC? Pretty awesome. For all you Vandy-haters, in two weeks LSU will shut me up.

Does Louisville's embarrassment (I think the proper nomenclature is loss) at South Florida mean that the Big East is out of the BCS? Who's with me? Hey, maybe Pitt will win the Big East now. Hell, maybe the Big East will invite Temple back into the conference and have the Owls represent the donkey-ass conference in the Fiesta Bowl. The Owls might be the best team in the Big East. Wow, the Big East is bad.

USC's second half…wow…I guess. At this point, expect it.

The Top Ten from Monday night's opera "The Meltdown in Baton Rouge…featuring the Bugs Bunny Giant, his Volunteers, a clueless Les Miles and some tired Tigers."

1. I'm not sure that I've seen or heard a more electric crowd than when LSU ran onto the field at Tiger Stadium. I got goosebumps. It was f'ing awesome.
2. Everything about LSU is cool…their uniforms, the mystique of Death Valley, Mike the Tiger and most of all, the Tiger eye painted in the middle of the field.
3. Tennessee has more thugs in tinted eyeshields/visors than any other team in the country. Where does the Bugs Bunny Giant find these bandits? I'd pay to see the Bugs Bunny Giant in some tinted-out gear.
4. UT offensive coordinator Randy Sanders has a great mullet and a great name. They go together brilliantly.
5. LSU coach Les Miles told the media that LSU was going to "win this game" prior to kickoff. Bad move. Les Miles seems like a nice guy. However, I don't think he has any idea what he is doing. He looked like a deer in headlights when UT kicked the field goal to make it 24-24 with two minutes to go.
6. Erik Ainge is lucky to be alive. In all honesty, he owes Rick Claussen his life. If Clausen hadn't rallied the Vols to victory, Ainge would be face down in a ditch in Murfreesboro, TN with a few slugs in the back of his noggin. Instead, Ainge's miserable (I mean absolutely miserable) performance is being overshadowed by Clausen's brilliance. Speaking of Ainge's hideousness…1) His underhand toss from the back of his own endzone that got picked for a TD was priceless. Absolutely hilarious. 2) The report that he heard something pop in his lower back after throwing the aforementioned pass was priceless. Sure, you did, Danny's boy. You just made the worst play in college football history, but we'll believe that you aren't going back in the game because of your back. Right.
7. I guess Rick Clausen really is Diamond Rick Clausen after all. Wow. Of course, Rick's only money because he rocks a tinted visor.
8. The Bugs Bunny Giant's "I'm the King of the World" grin at the end of the game gave me seizures.
9. LSU is not that good. Yes, they scored 27 points but their first TD was off of a forced turnover and adrenaline. Their second TD was set up by a flea-flicker. Their third touchdown was a gift-wrapped duck from Erik Ainge. The Tigers offense needs work.
10. Who told you to bet the Vols? Thank you very much.

The Slate…

Michigan at Michigan State (-5.5) - A Tale of Two Cities…the Spartans are rolling, the Wolverines are reeling. And although I'm not from Michigan, I have a hunch that the Spartans would love nothing more than to bury Lloyd and Co. at home in front of a plethora of rabid Spartan-heads. Am I wrong? I don't think so. I also don't think 5.5 points are nearly enough, even in this intra-state blood battle. The Spartans are good. John L. is beginning to work his old school Louisville magic in East Lansing.

Colorado (-3.5) at Oklahoma State - This is a hunch bet. I have a hunch the Buffs are pissed that they got hosed in Miami last weekend. I also have a hunch that Oklahoma State is no good. Three W's against Montana State, Florida Atlantic and Arkansas State isn't exactly the most impressive track record. Don't forget that the Buffs have their eyes on a Big 12 North title. That march must begin Saturday in Stillwater. I like the Buffs as road favorites.

Virginia Tech (-10) at West Virginia - I know that the talk on the street is that this game smells like a trap bet because the Hokies always struggle in Morgantown. Frankly, all I can smell is the Mountaineers stink. WVU's struggle at home last weekend against the mighty Pirates of East Carolina is all the persuasion I need to convince me that crazy things are not going to happen in the mountains this weekend. Loving the Hokies.

Iowa State (+3.5) at Nebraska - Did Iowa State's near-debacle at Army last Friday night have such a lasting effect on folks that the Cyclones are actually getting 3.5 in Lincoln? Did Ohio State's throttling of Iowa somehow diminish what ISU did to the Hawkeyes? Has anyone seen Nebraska play this year? Am I missing something here? Is this a joke? I'm waiting for Sean Penn to email me, say that this is my birthday present and explain how this is just a game. Are you kidding me…take the points and load the boat on the Cyclones.

Navy (-6) at Duke - Déjà vu? Last week Rita cancelled Navy (-6) at Rice and I loved the Middies. This week Rita's dead and look what pops up…Navy (-6) at Duke. Guess what? Yep, I love the Middies.

Minnesota (-2.5) at Penn State - Someone please tell me when I should begin to take Penn State seriously again. Until I get an answer, I'm going to assume they're no good, and bet the other way. Not that this rationale is needed for this game. Last week, Northwestern's Tyrell Sutton ran the ball 32 times for 111 yards and 2 scores against Joe Pa's lads. Hmmm. W.W.L.M.D.? What would Laurence Maroney do? The outcome might hurt those looking to be happy in Happy Valley this weekend.

USC at Arizona State (+16.5) - I'm going to bet against USC until I win. Period. (The Sun Devils are going to win this game by the way.)

Temple at Bowling Green (-28) - After getting punked last Wednesday in a nationally televised game at Boise State, what are the odds that Omar Jacobs is going to do his best to take out all of his frustrations on Temple? Apparently, the homeboys at the Stardust say the odds are four touchdowns. The CSG, on the other hand, thinks Omar might do a little more damage than that. Like three or four TDs more. Loving the Falcons, laughing at the Owls.

Last nods …most intriguing matchup of the weekend - Florida's offense versus Alabama's defense…most telling performance - FSU QB Drew Weatherford against the pitiful 'Cuse…most entertaining game - Notre Dame at Purdue.

My apologies for the solo column this week. The 7 ½ hour trip back from Chicago last Sunday night wasn't exactly how I had planned my glorious return home. Nevertheless, the CSG is coming home this Sunday and will be at M&T Bank Stadium to see if he, along with 80,000 other win-starved fans, can help get the usual suspects off the boat before Kasier Soze smokes that cigarette.