On The Plate ... 9/23/05

Rita, You Are Not a Lovely Meter Maid

Dear Mother Nature,
Will you please get the F up out of our proverbial grill with this hurricane nonsense? Look, is it too much to ask to allow us to keep our peace of mind, our homes, our cities and our football games? Is it? For the love of all things holy, tell Rita to take it easy for the rest of us. Kind of like The Dude. Thank you.

An idea posed to the CSG from the O.N., aka Original Ninja…

"I think we should go up to Antarctica, snag a money ding ding iceberg with a tug boat, pull that crazy SOB down to the Gulf and tow it in front of Rita to cool the water, thus weakening that bitch. We'll be heroes. You in?" Obviously, I'm in. Oh, almost forgot, Rollergirl and Christina Ricci are going to help us on our endeavor as well. Most ninjas don't know the first thing about weakening a hurricane. O.N., on the other hand, has an eye for nature.

Does anyone else find it amusing that I write about FSU, the Ravens and Vanderbilt in the same respect regarding football? Talk about polar opposites. The criminal records-to-winning percentage ratio between FSU/Ravens and Vandy is quite telling, and astounding. So what? So apparently, Vandy is now bang bang shoot 'em up. We're 3-0.

Honestly, how many "Zooklyn" T's do you think I could sell in Chicago this weekend? "Zooklyn" on the front, Chief Illiniwek's face on the back? Those things would be the hot hot heat. Right? Since I'm heading to the City of Big Shoulders this weekend, I feel that it is only appropriate for me to jump on the Big Ten bandwagon. No more spit about the Big Ten being boring or weak or overrated. Nope. This weekend the Big Ten is my boy. And the schedule couldn't have set itself up any more perfectly to get rowdy loud in Chi-town...

11 AM CT... Michigan State (-10.5) at Illinois - Zooklyn is not a Spike Lee joint. It's a CSG joint. How money it is that one of the first Big Ten games of the day involves the Illini? Money. I imagine some folks might be out and about having a few mid-morning cocktails for the Return of the Zook to the Prairie State. PartyBoy, who now resides in Chicago, and I are gonna bust some junk up. Unfortunately for the children of Champagne, so are the Spartans. Some people are chirping that the Spartans are gonna have a letdown after beating the Irish last week. I don't think so. Bet the Spartans.

11 AM CT… Purdue at Minnesota (-4) - 3 things…1) Dome teams are tough in Domes. Especially the Gophers. 2) Laurence Maroney kicks ass. 3) Purdue has looked iffy in two W's against Akron and at Arizona. Give the points, take the Dome-field advantage.

11 AM CT… Iowa (+7.5) at Ohio State - Consider this game Game 1 of the Top 5 games of the day. The loser of this slugfest will have 2 L's and will have the backdoor, that is currently slightly open, into a national championship closed in their mug. Important? Believe it. Who'll be rocking the piss out of his Iowa City T this weekend? Yep, this jackass will. And I hope it gets some Buckeyes fans surly. The CSG call: remember how I was banging the drum on OSU's weak-ass offense? Yea, well the Buckeyes struggled to a 27-6 W over the mighty Aztecs of San Diego State last week. Now bring newly un-concussed Drew Tate and crew into the Shoe getting 7.5. Too many points? You bet. I like the Hawks and the Under (41 is the O/U).

5 PM CT… Michigan at Wisconsin (+3) - Apparently, I'm going to a Wisconsin bar for Game 2 of the Top 5 games. To be honest, the damage inflicted on my person by this point in the evening may be despicable. If I've learned one thing over the years, it is this…when in Badger country, root for the Badgers and don't bet on the opposition. Not for fear of losing the bet, but for fear of losing your life if word gets out that you are anti-Badger. On that note, I'm taking the Badgers. I don't buy Michigan. Camp Randall will be boisterous. And Wisconsin showed just enough grit last week in Chapel Hill to give me the nod to make this bet.

The Slate…

Tennessee (+7) at LSU - Game 3 of the Top 5 is proof that lines get twisted one week after a big SEC showdown. It happens every year. Vols lose in the Swamp last week, look clueless doing so and now get 7 in Baton Rouge? I don't think so. Yes, I know Death Valley will be at a fever pitch as the Tigers come home for the first time since Katrina. I know emotions will run high. What I don't know is how LSU plans to score on Tennessee's D? If the Gators couldn't, what makes anyone think LSU can? Remember that LSU scored two special teams TDs and had a Hail Mary touch in their 35-point effort against Arizona State in Tempe two weekends ago. And that's ASU, aka Pac 10 D, aka a little soft. Also remember that Sam "as nasty as he wants to be" Keller threw for 461 yards and 4 touches against a so-called vaunted LSU D. The Bugs Bunny Giant has named Eric Ainge the starter. Ainge's 80-yard drive on the Gators was nothing short of impressive. What I'm trying to say in way too many words is I like the Vols in this one. What about Rita? If Rita brings rain, it becomes a defensive struggle / running game battle. Both teams have punishing running games but I favor the Vols. (For the record, LSU's WR Early Doucet is money. No explanation needed.)

Arizona State (-7) at Oregon State - Mmmm, the Pac 10, my home sweet betting home. If I can't win by betting with the Beavers, let's flip it, and try betting against them. I have a feeling that the Sun Devils might become my Oregon State of last year. This line opened at ASU -4.5. The smart money is with me on this one.

Notre Dame (-14) at Washington - It's a shame that, in the Willingham Bowl, the man who the bowl is named after is going to get pounded. I don't really care about all of the nuances of the "new ND coach versus old ND coach" thing. I care about the idea that the Irish are pissed that they just dropped one to Michigan State and are looking to take their frustrations to the Pacific Northwest to lay a stomping on the Huskies. Faces will be whiskey-induced red in South Bend after celebrating this mauling.

Navy (-6) at Rice - Thanks Rita for punking my pick of the week. I f'ing loved the Middies here. I hate you, Rita.

Staying away but always thinking…

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech (-11) - Has Reggie Ball stopped chumming? That's the No Whammy question of Game 4 of the Top 5. If Reggie hasn't stopped spewing, this is going to be an old-fashioned curbing. And without a definitive answer to this question, I can't get involved. Remember when I said G-Tech scared me against Auburn? Yea, well, with a healthy Ball and getting 11 points, they scare me in this one too.

USC (-21.5) at Oregon - Does the combination of Autzen Stadium and ballistic yellow uniforms scare the Trojans? Probably not, but it should. Why? Last year on the road against decent Pac 10 squads the mighty Trojans produced these results…W at Stanford, 31-28 ; W at Oregon State, 28-20 ; W at UCLA, 29-24. 3 wins, sure, but I don't think those W's covered any spreads. One other thing…Lee Corso loves the Ducks. Of the "staying away" games, I am most inclined to jump and bet the Ducks.

Boston College at Clemson (-3) - 3 things that make me ill…1) BC in the ACC…2) Tom O'Brien...3) The Red Sox. I might be in Chicago for this one but my heart will be in Death Valley. F BC.

Alabama (-15) at Arkansas - Trap bet, or is it? Tide rolls the Ole Ball Coach last week and the Hogs got butchered in LA. If the Tide has a letdown and the Hogs play desperate, is 15 points too much? I don't know the answer to this question. Anybody?

Colorado at Miami (-14) - The last time these two bandit-laden teams squared off there was a bench-clearing brawl resulting in 12 player ejections. Best part? The brawl occurred before halftime. Not before the game, not after the game. Nope, dab smack in the middle of the game. Love it. Colorado wants back in among the national heavyweights. The Buffs think that a win at the OB is the way to do so. They're probably right. However, I think the Canes want to get back some respect among the national heavyweights as well. After last week's dud at Clemson, a thumping of 'Rado might do the Coconut Grove bangers some good in that respect. Personally, I'm rooting for the Buffs. College football needs a bandit team from the mountains.

Back at it early next week…hopefully with a few gems from my stay in Zooklyn. In the meantime, root against Rita. She's a heartless bitch.