On The Plate ... 9/19/05

I Smell Roses … and I See Dead People

Book 'em, That's right, book your f'ing tickets to Pasadena. Commodores versus Trojans for all the loot? Sure, why not? Vanderbilt is officially 2-0 in the SEC East and sits alone in first place. Yep, the Dores are looking down on the Gators, the Vols and the Dawgs. In the words of Penny Lane, "it's all happening." In the words of the CSG, "Is this really happening? This is f'ing crazy."

I think I know why Vanderbilt is 3-0. We have a guy named Funtaine. In the past, Funtaine's haven't existed in Nashville. Apparently, they do know. Bobby Johnson may be anti-profanity, but he's pro-Funtaines. How do I know? We also have a guy named Cheron pronounced "Sharon." These are good signs.

I had a couple buddies over for Saturday's game. Much to my surprise, the most common phrase wasn't "God, we f'ing suck!" Instead, it was a combination of "That was a real play" and "We're like a real team" and "We've scored real touchdowns." It's pretty remarkable. Granted, in the second half, as Vandy was doing its best to lose the game after giving up a 21 point lead, the Mayor, in all of his nobility, did make the statement that "We are the biggest losers in college football." True enough. Except, we were the biggest losers in college football. Not this year, Mayor, not this year. We're good. Relatively speaking, of course. But f it man, I'll take it…all the way to Pasadena.

Before I start barking, I need to chirp. I now love the Pac 10. Yea, I do. A lot. Really. Don't get me wrong, I still think the Pac-Dime is a bunch of punk teams that, on the norm, are sub-par compared to the rest of the college football world. However, this year, I feel different. The Pac-10 is good. This past weekend made me a believer. Actually, Arizona State's performance against LSU two weekends ago got the ball rolling.

F'ing USC, they're ridiculous. No need to talk about them. They'll see all the rest of us jackasses in Pasadena for their third consecutive ring presentation. No, I'm not debating this. They are hands down the best team in college football. And until somebody else steps up and gives me a reason to believe that they are worthy of getting into the ring with the Trojans, I'm not skewing from this opinion. Sorry.

I ordered an Arizona State Sun Devils helmet online over the weekend. The sad thing is that you think I am joking. I love the Sun-Devs and I love QB Sam Keller. He's as nasty as he wants to be. I also respect the fact that ASU's coach is named Dirk. "You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Koetter. I'm the star."

I mean seriously..."What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire." Exactly, just like Dirk in Tempe rolling up Northwestern and covering. Money.

(Sorry, that may have been Boogie Nights overload.)

I owe propers to the Bruins. Oklahoma sucks. No doubt about it. But UCLA not only beat the Sooners, they beat them up. They dominated them. That was what impressed me the most. Actually, I think I want UCLA to get really good again so that riots erupt everytime USC & UCLA play. College football could use some hot hot heat out of an intra-LA rivalry. Hell, I'll take anything that might bust up the Trojans dominance.

And what about the Ducks? They worked over Fresno State and Pat Hill's money mustache. (Not that Fresno is necessarily scary, but whatever. Umm, not included in the "Pac-10 is good" theory is Stanford who lost to UC-Davis 20-17. Sweet Jesus…Navy lost to Stanford.)

In all honesty, the reason I love the Pac-10 is that it is the only GD conference that I can win a bet with. I hit an early Sunday morning USC & Arizona St parlay that brought me back from herion-nod depths caused by those SOBs from Miami. (For the record, I realized that betting on Oregon State was stupid. I didn't bet them. And I didn't take the Sooners. Had a feeling that one was coming.)

Back to Miami …like The Mayor says, "Never ever bet a Clemson game." I am now 0-2 this year in Clemson games, and likewise, 0-2 against Clemson. That's it, I'm hanging up my Clemson betting shoes. As for the Canes, I give up. And frankly, Canes fans should start giving up on Larry Coker. The Canes play some of the ugliest ball around. They are way too talented to be this mediocre. They should have rolled into Death Valley and wrecked some junk. Instead, they snuck out the backdoor. Pathetic.

OK, now it's time to bark coast to coast...

What's the deal with big Texas schools beating the donkey out of small Texas schools?...Texas A&M 66, SMU 8 ; Texas 51, Rice 10 ; and last but certainly not least, Texas Tech 80, Sam Houston State 21. I guess the biggin TX schools kick the piss out of the little guys to make them feel better for losing to Oklahoma every year. A f'ing joke.

Is it possible for the Ravens to send Derek Anderson back to Oregon State so that 1) I can start betting on the Beavers again and 2) I wouldn't have to wonder when the Ravens are going to give Anderson a chance only to have him play poorly, because of the Ravens God-awful O-line (which the CSG has been preaching for years, thank you), and in turn have the Ravens cut him, only to have him get picked up by the Broncos and become the second coming of John Elway. Just writing this is pissing me off.

UVA sucks. Maryland makes UVA's sucking look good. The Terps are atrocious. Over/under on fights in College Park on October 1 when the Wahoos come to town...early O/U set at 100 on the dot. I thought the Fridge was on a diet? Yikes. It's tough. Sausage is good.

Hey, Temple, stop it! The football. Yes, stop playing it. It's disgusting.

Shhh...don't even think about sleeping on the Tide. You heard it here first...Bama wins the SEC West.

Pitt 6 at Nebraska 7. Laughable man. Fire 1...Fire 2. Calling Walk Harris. Calling Frank Solich.

Don't look now but I do believe football is once again being played in Champagne, Illinois. I'm making shirts for the Illini faithful that say "Zooklyn." God, I'm a f'ing genius!

For the record, Laurence Maroney is my new favorite player...ever. I mean ever. That boy can run.

I found out over the weekend that Michigan State coach John L. Smith is Alex Smith's (former Utah QB, now millionaire 49ers #1 pick) uncle. How bout them apples? Drew Stanton 327-yard, 3 TD onslaught reminded me of Alex. How is it possible that Michigan State has won five in a row under the watch of TD Jesus? Seriously. It'd be one thing if it was Michigan, or even Purdue. But the Spartans? Silliness pie.

This was bound to happen to the Irish, wasn't it? Now, I want the Irish to run the table. Yes, that includes a win over the Trojans. But can you imagine the chaos that would ensue with a 1-loss Irish squad among 3 or 4 other 1-loss teams?

What was Tommy Bowden doing on the sideline after his trip-OT loss to the Canes? Did you see him standing there like he was frozen? I think he was thinking, "Where's my Daddy?" Is it odd that Tommy and Terra Bowden call Bobby Bowden "Daddy"? Doesn't the "dy" get dropped after the third grade? Am I wrong? I did like the idea that Diamond Brad Nessler (the #1 money ding ding announcer in all of college foot) thought Bowden was in shock and in need of medical attention. No, sorry, no medical attention needed, that's just a boy looking for his Daddy.

Speaking of that boy's Daddy… Ole Man Bowden's club may have turned the corner in the fourth quarter in Chestnut Hill. I'm not trying to get nutty but I do believe that Drew Weatherford did some serious growing up in front of all those drunk Irish SOBs in Beantown. (Relax, I'm Irish too.) Weatherford put the team on his shoulders en route to a 10-play 64-yard TD drive that gave the Noles the lead for good. I'm telling you the kid looked good. He was throwing darts and the darts were being caught. (Unlike the first half.) The Noles have a bye this week followed by two "should-be-win" home games ('Cuse, Wake) at the Doak before heading to Charlottesville October 15 to face UVA. If Weatherford continues to play like he did in the fourth quarter over the course of the next two games, the Noles are going to a very dangerous team to reckon with. I love the idea that that danger is headed to Wahoo land.

( True or False …FSU linebacker A.J. Nicholson's favorite food is Red Hots. Hmmm. Answer to last week's T or F…True, the Duke "D" is more money than the cursive "Duke." I know, I'm sorry, no one cares.)

Last but not least, let's address my boy Philip Fulmer, or as I will refer to him from this point forward, the Bugs Bunny Giant. (Please do yourself a favor and Google "Bugs Bunny + Beanstalk" and click on Images…it's Fulmer, I swear.) How dumb is Fulmer? Really. Does he have any idea about what he doing? What the F was the Giant thinking when he put Rick Clausen back in the game after Erik Ainge led the Vols 80 yards to a TD? That's just bad, dude. Volunteer football = perpetual cluelessness. It's fine with me. I had the Gators giving a touchdown. Thank God the Gators have a good kicker. That sweet-ass spread offense of Urban Meyer didn't look too spread to me. It looked like crap. But I'll take it. I got paid, and Fulmer lost. Doubled my flavor, doubled my fun, just like sweet sweet double-mint gum, bitches.

Regarding the dead people I see, I don't think I am the only one with this particular skill. Just look up the highway and you'll see that the Ravens are dead in the water. Kind of like the dudes that got blown up by Kaiser Soze on that damn ship. Not good times.

A few thoughts re: the Ravens…

The offensive line should be taken out and shot like the lame elephants they are.

I hope the Charm City dunces finally realize that Kyle Boller is not the problem. The team is.

Does Ray Ray think he is talking to the entire stadium after he makes a tackle? You know…he makes a play, gets up, punches himself in the heart, and then starts screaming at no one in particular. I really think he thinks that he is addressing 80,000 people. I wish Ray would stop being a public speaker and start being a middle linebacker by the time I travel up I-95 to see Soze's victims play the Jets in two weeks.

How many layers of clothing does Deion wear? Between the neckband, armbands, sweatbands, and a variety of socks, I have no doubt that Neon wears more gear than anyone else in the league. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he wears shoes over his shoes. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he has one of those 74-buttoned suits on underneath his pads. Deion, I love ya man, but lose a layer or two. You look slow and confused. And it's killing me.

Can we put Jamal Lewis back in prison? I'm not sure he's learned his lesson. I can't wait until we trade him and let Chester Taylor become the RB of the future. I'm dead serious.

OK, that eulogy is over.

With the Noles and the Ravens having a bye this week and the mighty Dores hosting Richmond (a game I am only slightly overlooking because my Mom will be in the stands saying rosaries), I only have one option: head to Big Ten country. I'm off to the Windy City this weekend for some big beers, big grub, big meth and big fun. And hopefully my Iowa City t-shirt will piss off some Buckeye fans that happen to inhabit Chicago.

(For the record, The City That Reads represented in PA this past weekend. #12 nationally ranked St. Joe Prep fell victim to another Greyhound stampede…if you can't run with the Hounds, get the F out of the way.)