On The Plate ... 9/7/05

Week 1 Wrap: Time To Get Educated

It's about time I start hitting the books, not the bookies. I got schooled over the weekend. Apparently there is a lot to learn about this very young college football season. For example…Notre Dame? Surprised the pee pee out of me. Texas A&M? Absolutely f'ing hosed me. Utah? I'm an idiot. I mean what the F do I really know about Utah? But I guess that's how the first weekend rolls. Lots of surprises, lots of the unexpected and lots of money handed over to Bodog.com. Awesome. (In all actuality, the CSG didn't dryheave as much as I lead on. After the first weekend, I am 4-4. However that 4-4 is "on paper," not in my f'ing wallet. That SOB Phil Fulmer always Fs me.

So, in an effort to separate myself from the debacle that was last weekend, I'm offering a "High Fidelity Top 10-esque" rant about what exactly I learned, or didn't learn, from the opening weekend on the gridiron. And let me tell you, I'm not sold on the idea that I've learned a damn thing…yet…

First and foremost (obviously)…

Top 10 lessons from the FSU/Miami game…

1. You'd never expect to hear these words coming from the CSG but…Bobby Bowden has to retire. I know I know. It's insanity. I should stop typing and put myself to sleep. Literally, like a horse that just broke its leg. A FSU fan of 17 years does not call for Bobby Bowden's head. For the love of God, he's the all-time winningest coach in D-1 history. The Doak's field is named after him. He is FSU football. All of that may be true, but that doesn't ease my pain. Come on Bobby, ease my f'ing pain. What pain? This pain…if Bobby can't realize that his son, Jeff Bowden, aka the offensive coordinator of FSU, either has a brain contusion, spinal meningitis or is simply mentally deficient, then Bobby's got to go. I'm sorry, it's just that simple. Because as long as the Noles have that assclown calling the shots, they're f'ed. Period. If Bobby can't ante up to get the nads to give his son the boot, then Bobby's got to go too.
2. Jeff Bowden still makes me want to throw up.
3. Devin Hester does not have a brain.
4. Drew Weatherford is NOT Chris Rix. He's just an inexperienced freshman who resembles that SOB. Yes, he was awful but, no, I'm not giving up on him yet. Why?...
5. The Canes defense is scary. Those cats are f'ing punishers. Fast, strong, dreadlocked killers. Like a Canes defense should be.
6. Kyle Wright is exponentially better than I thought he would be. I saw him play sparingly last year and he was worse than Brock Berlin. Enough said.
7. I hate Canes tight end Greg Olsen because he is the next Shockey/Winslow. And I just can't have that in my life.
8. As pointed out by several of my buddies (who happen to be Canes fans), FSU grows fat kickers on trees. And they all suck.
9. Miami has a better team. They should have won. But then again, the Noles should have won last year's game, and the game in the rain two years back, and the game I went to in the OB.
10. It never feels bad to win…no matter how it happens. It's about time I got a botched kick thrown in my direction…in a positive way.

Top 10 wangdangdoodles of this past weekend…

1. Vanderbilt is 1-0. Hello? Anyone? A win? A win on the road? A win?!? Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the era, formerly known as Woody-ball, presently known as Bobby-ball. I might just have to make these T-shirts…On the front - "Vanderbilt Football"; on the back - "We don't cuss, we just kick your f'ing ass."
2. The Irish beat Dave Wannstedt about the head and neck like he stole something. In all honesty, Wannstedt may have stolen the Pitt job. When is the last time that jackass won a game? You think the Pitt AD is rethinking the firing of Walt Harris? And how about Charlie Weis in his Irish debut? Not bad. He made a chicken with his head cut off, aka Brady Quinn, look like (yea, I'm going to say it even though every other clown as said it too) Vinnie Testaverde. Boom. I mean Tom Brady. The Irish's first half was flawless.
3. Clemson - sweet ass uniforms and a sweet ass win. Had I know that Tommy Bowden was going to break out all new, all orange uniforms on me I might have 1) not spoken so poorly of him and his team, 2) refrained from betting my savings account on Texas A&M and 3) worn my orange Clemson t-shirt in Charm City just to piss off drunk Maryland fans. Unfortunately, I didn't get the nod on the suits (which are so f'ing money it hurts just to think about). So now I look like a jackass for pumping up A&M, I feel like a jackass because the Internet is beating me after Week 1, aka Bodog punked the donkey out of me, and I couldn't purposely anger MD fans who wouldn't stop yapping about how awesome they are because they beat Navy. I'm convinced that there is a retardation strain in the state of Maryland's tap water. (Yea, I drink it too.)
4. Thank you, Oklahoma. I just want to give the appropriates to the "mighty" Sooners for making my season a bit easier to contend with. You see, by losing, I can scratch the annual "OU is now f'ing everything up for everyone else in the national championship hunt" conversation from my late season agenda. Frankly, I was getting very, very tired of having that conversation. And I was getting tired of OU getting the red carpet treatment from the media before heading into a BCS Bowl where they get manhandled. The Sooner faithful (which may include everyone who works at ABC) are calling this a rebuilding year for Coach Stoops. That's fine with me. Just one thing, tell Stoops when he is done "rebuilding" to make sure he has built a championship caliber team like the one in 2000, not the mutt squads of the last two years that beat Texas (of course), roll through the Big 12, go undefeated and get pummeled by superior teams on the big stage.
5. Georgia, I have a theory. Remember that crazy SOB Tee Martin? You know, the QB that followed Peyton Manning at Tennessee and ended up beating my beloved Noles in the Sugar Bowl for the national championship? Yep, him. Now, what would you say if I threw a "maybe DJ Shockley is going to pull a Tee Martin on us" theory on the table? You'd say, well, GD CSG, you might just have something there, you crazy SOB! Manning was an all-everything QB at Tennessee but never won anything and David Greene was an all-everything QB at Georgia but never won anything. Martin waited his turn, and Shockley has waited his. Hmmm. It's just a theory.
6. Brian Calhoun is my new favorite player. That pretty much sums it up. In case you missed it, Brian Calhoun is my new favorite player. True or False…the retro Wisconsin uniforms were hideous?
7. How do you spell genius? Z-O-O-K. Nothing says good old-fashioned fun like coming back to beat the University of New Jersey. Especially in OT. (Believe me, I would know.) And that's exactly what the Zooker and his Zookettes did in, dare I say, dramatic fashion. Congratulations, Coach Zook, you're gonna be OK in Champagne, even if your old team is going to win the national championship this year.
8. How do you spell drunken buffoon? Brent Musburger. To Jeb Bush… "Now, Governor, let's say, next week, another hurricane pops up in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you do?" Thanks Brent. Does anyone have a reading on the Inappropriate Richter Scale? Does anyone have a Taser?
9. I hate you, Rocky Top. Fact 1: I lost money on the Vols. Fact 2: Vandy scored more points than the Vols on the opening weekend of the season. This I like. Fact 3: Philip Fulmer is raiding prisons trying to gather his troops for the Gators showdown on September 17. Fact 4: Philip Fulmer reminds me of the Giant in the Bugs Bunny / Jack and the Beanstalk cartoons. Fact 5: I think it is safe to say that Knoxville was not a pleasant place to be last Saturday night.
10. Laugh with me. Ready…One…Two…Three…Duke! Devils 21, ECU Pirates 24. Ouch. Only the Colonel can do this one justice… "It's too bad that Duke sucks so bad in football, but there's at least some comfort in knowing that over the many years, Duke has totally earned its place on that list (ESPN's Bottom 10). Talk about your multi-generational institutional failure, and fulfillment of diminishing expectations. And to think there is at least one program on that campus that knows at least a little bit about winning." Indeed, Colonel, indeed.

Pop Quiz…

What happens to a Week 2 preview after 1) an FSU win over the Canes on Labor Day night 2) the Internet has gladly cleaned out your wallet and 3) you decide to get wasted in the middle of the week with your buddy's little sister? You guessed it…it doesn't get written.

An enchanting Week 2 wrap-up & Week 3 predictions coming round the bend including a hot debate on whether Kraft singles are actually cheese, why Week 3 is "Florida" week, and, when it comes to a battle of beltways, Baltimore dominates the District on the gridiron…the high school gridiron.