On the Plate ... 9/1/05

Bring 'Em Out, Bring 'Em Out

Is this heaven? No, it's Arlington, VA. And this donkey just got a new job. In other words, the CSG's life just took a 180 turn in the right direction. Hooray. Bong bong, holler at your boy, boo-ya - all that gibberish. Here's the drop…Kid Caprice is back in f'ing black. No explanations, no apologies, no excuses, no nothing. Just columns. So there it is.

(Goddamn it feels goods to be back. I feel like LC looks on Laguna Beach…absolutely f'ing money.)

Speaking of what's f'ing money, I just bought some new Slazenger golf balls. Wait, is that money? No, but keep reading. So why Slazenger? Why not, that's why. I don't discriminate. In all honesty, I dig the jaguar/cheetah/bobcat/whatever large predatory cat that's on the cover of the ball. But that's not why I bought these particular Slazengers. (It is why I have bought Slazengers in the past, just to get that out there.) I bought these particular Slazengers because the motto on the golf balls is "It's so good…it's money!" No joke. Yep, the balls are called Slazenger Money. Can you beat that? I don't think so. Feeling good, Louis. Looking good, Todd.

Anybody feel like getting some grub back "On the Plate"? Anybody? I mean it's time to get our eat on up in this biatch, right? Right. The wait is almost over…Thursday night we are officially back in action. And this jackass is giddy like a fattened he-goat because "the Plate" is going to be full again. I'm f'ing psyched.

How about this for a CSG comeback…Vanderbilt at Wake Forest, Thursday night at 7:00 on ESPN-U? Dores season opener on TV? Seriously? Get the F out of my face with that junk. Before I get too nutty, there are a few obstacles. Three, in fact…1) The Vanderbilt University website claims the game is on ESPN-U. Translation: the game is probably not on. 2) Even if, by the grace of all things holy, the game is on TV, I don't get ESPN-U on Comcast. Those SOBs don't provide the channel. 3) What are the chances that a bar in the District is going to be showing the Vandy/Wake game when UCF at South Carolina is on ESPN and Oregon at Houston is on ESPN 2? Don't get me wrong, all three games are equally hideous, but the debut of the Ole Ball Coach in Columbia, SC carries some serious weight. And on "the 2," the Ducks actually have some national potential umph this year. The Commodores, as we all know, weigh nothing and prominence only applies to their sweet-ass women's hoops team.

(For the record, the mighty Dores are getting 8.5 puntos. I haven't made a decision on this one yet. Why? Wake almost beat the Noles last year. Enough said. Actually, not enough said, the Dores probably could have almost beaten the Noles last year. OK, take the f'ing points and bet the Dores.)

While I'm thinking about it…doesn't Gary Williams look like Colonel Edmund Munro from The Last of the Mohicans? Don't remember who Colonel Munro is? He's the old white guy that gets his heart cut out by the Indian. The greatest Mohawk Indian ever…Magua. Interestingly, Magua is not the greatest Indian ever. Greatest Mohawk? Sure. Greatest Indian? No. That honor goes to Chingachgook, the Last of the Mohicans. Obviously.

While I'm also thinking about it…who allowed The Iron Chef (the Japanese version) to use the score from Backdraft? What clown let that gem of a soundtrack become the f'ing jingle for a show where homeboys eat sea cucumber? Seriously. We go from Bull dropping a "You go, we go" and a "Look at him…That's my brother goddamnit" to Chef f'ing Sakai making sea urchin salad? In the words of Jesus Quintana, "Laughable man."

Yea, yea. Sorry. Backdraft is my boy. And yes, I watch way too much Iron Chef.

Back to this weekend's drawing board…and my thoughts and/or picks…

Thursday…

Oregon (-9) at Houston - OK, I'll go ahead and say it. This is a f'ing lock. I love the Ducks. Why? Because Lee Corso told me to love them.

Vanderbilt (+8.5) at Wake Forest - Guess what? The Vandy line has gotten tighter by a point over the last week. Smart money moves with the Dores. I've said that for years. Clearly.

UCF at South Carolina (-21) - What would an opening night of college football be without a parlay? It just wouldn't be right. If I remember correctly, the Ole Ball Coach likes scoring points. Lots of them. And UCF was 0-11 last year which kind of makes me feel better about the G-Cocks having to score 3 touches. Kind of. For the record, I think I hate this bet, but it completes the Thursday night 3-game parlay. And we all know how I feel about a 3-game parlay.

Friday…

Arizona at Utah (-7) - No Urban, no Alex, no problem. Utes roll in a Charm City-esque mugging.

Saturday…

Bowling Green at Wisconsin (-2.5) - Intriguing? Yes. Am I betting it? No. Why? Several reasons…(1) First game jitters always have a larger effect on the team expected to win, especially in front of a home crowd. A negative for the Badgers. (2) The MAC scares the wee wee out of me. Yes, the wee wee. (3) Bowling Green is pretty money and Omar Jacobs, BG's QB, is illified. (4) The line is tight. Smart people know smart things. (5) Remember when Wisconsin dropped an early game to UNLV a few years back at Camp Randall? Me too.

UAB at Tennessee (-23) - Philip Fulmer might be a slob, a weasel, a liar and a cheater. All of these things he may be. However, one thing he is not is a coach who doesn't put up at least 50 points at Neyland Stadium for the Vols season opener in front of 100,000 rednecks. No sir, Coach Fulmer gets that done year in and year out. Vols are easy money.

Colorado State at Colorado (-7) - If history is a guide, take the Rams and the 7 points. This game is always balls close.

Notre Dame at Pitt (-3) - I had this conversation just the other day…

CSG: I think I like the Irish in the opener. Buddy: What? CSG: Yea, I think I like the Irish and the points. Buddy: You're an idiot. The Irish stink, Charlie Weis hasn't proven a damn thing, the game is at Pitt, Pitt is good, and the line is only minus 3. What else do you need to know? CSG: Nothing. I like Pitt too.

Boise State at Georgia (-7.5) - See the aforementioned Bowling Green at Wisconsin breakdown. Replace Bowling Green with Boise State and Wisconsin with Georgia. Change Badgers to Bulldogs and MAC to "Boise State offense." Scratch "pretty money" and replace with "straight up money." Yank Omar Jacobs and QB and throw in Dan Hawkins and coach, respectively. Finally, swap "dropped", UNLV and "at Camp Randall" with "almost dropped", Troy and "Between the Hedges." All set? OK. That flip-flop is what the birds are chirping. Personally, I don't believe the birds for one simple reason. Boise State ain't never faced a D like the Bulldogs in Athens, GA under a September sun. (That last sentence was written with a Southern accent, fer ya.) I like the Dawgs to physically beat them up and cover by a pinch.

Navy vs Maryland (-12) at Ravens Stadium - There is a strong to quite strong chance that the CSG will be in attendance for this intra-state gem. And I will rooting for the Middies. However, my wallet will not be. Not touching this one.

Texas A&M (-2) at Clemson - This is a joke, right? Coach Fran and Reggie McNeal are only giving 2? Look, I don't care that the game is in Death Valley. Death Valley hasn't been Death Valley in ages. I do care that A&M is back on the national scene, something that Tommy Bowden has failed to achieve with his Clemson team during his tenure. I do care that A&M believes they can win the Big 12, whereas the Tigers are hoping to finish in the top half of the expanded ACC. And I do care that Coach Fran's teams play with heart, something Tommy Bowden has yet to teach his kids how to do. So who do I like in this one? Guess.

Georgia Tech at Auburn (-7.5) - A totally new Auburn makes this game untouchable. And something about Georgia Tech always scares me. And something tells me I'll have money on Auburn by the time this thing kicks off.

CSG Parlay of the Weekend…Oregon (-9), Utah (-7), Tennessee (-23) and Texas A&M (-2).

Sunday…

Virginia Tech (-3.5) at NC State - How did these two teams get hosed with playing a conference game straight out of the gates? Loser plays catch up in the ACC. Two reasons why I'm not betting this one…(1) I don't know how high will Marcus Vick be when he takes the field. (2) NC State's defense is disgustingly good. Combination of a high-ass Vick and a killer Pack D makes this one dangerous as a mofo for the Hokies. The kicker is the flip-side. The Hokie D is money and State's offense is vomitous. Hokies score defensive and special teams TDs like they ain't no thing.

Monday…THE GAME

Canes at Noles - No bets. Just sweat. God help me. After losing 6 in a row, this is pretty much all I can muster.

One more tangent…

Who and or what is the Princeton Review? Who works for the Princeton Review? Why do I care? I want to know how the Princeton Review ranks the Top 25 party schools across the country. What are the statistics measured? Do these people actually spend time at the different schools to determine which school is the most insane? How does this get accomplished? Someone please help me. I find this fascinating.

For the record, this year's "Princeton Review" had 5 SEC schools in the Top 25 followed by four Big Ten schools. However, the Big Ten rocked 3 in the Top 10 including #1 Wisconsin. Indiana (#6) and Iowa (#8) busted into the Top 10 primarily due to the Review's affinity for meth-amphetamine production. Ole Miss (#7) was the only SEC school to crack the Top 10 (hard to believe).

Two thoughts…(1) How do I get tickets to Iowa at Wisconsin on November 12? (2) Who's down for a Wisconsin vs Ole Miss Rose Bowl? Anybody? Everybody?

Indeed. Very much so.

(Is it wrong that I love the Old Navy ad where the biscuits pick jeans and cords off of plants? Good, I didn't think so.)