On the Plate … 1/11/05

Turning the F'ing Corner

Have you ever wondered what the CSG thinks about when he can't write columns because he is "working" and studying for a Series 7 exam that both manage to get in the way of every bowl game that matters and the beginning of conference hoops? Have you? I know I have.

Do me a favor…close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Now open your eyes and don't stop til you get enough…

How does somebody become a game show host? When did Budweiser become cool? How did Pitt lose to Bucknell? Were the Broncos the worst team in the history of the playoffs? UNC may never lose again. John Thompson III is a helluva coach. How much dope did Clark Kellogg smoke before claiming that West Virginia was "the most exciting team to watch in college basketball"? It's a shame that Purdue will suck in Gene Keady's final season. Does Pete Carroll realize that he is single-handedly ruining college football for everyone outside of southern California? I hate Matt Leinart. I hate the Pac 10 with all my heart. If Oklahoma plays in another national championship in the next few years, I might have to give up on football all together. Does Bob Stoops have any idea what he doing? Please don't tell me that Big 12 football sucks. That's something I can't handle. Big 12 football sucks. (At least this year it did.) What does that say about Texas? Why did Texas give Mack Brown a 10 year contract extension? Doesn't Texas realize that it is only a matter of time before Dennis Francione abuses the Horns like Bob Stoops?

How did Maury Povich become Maury Povich? Jimmy Dykes is totally my boy. Good riddance Paul Pasqualoni. Tim Brant needs to catch a bullet. Porky Pig has nothing on Terra Bowden. I'm already tired of Randy Johnson's affair with the Yankees. Lynn Swann could use "Hooked on Phonics." I can't believe I got a Chris Rix tattoo on New Year's Eve. Nick Saban is a moron for leaving Baton Rouge. The Rose Bowl was amazing. UConn needs a point guard something fierce. Don't sleep on Thad Matta and his Buckeyes. I can't say I'm sad that Roscoe Parrish and Frank Gore are leaving the Canes for the League. According to ESPN, "Nebraska has the early lead in recruiting." Can I laugh at that? Is Carlos Beltran really that good? Bowl Week reviews are overrated. (Wink wink.) When did Kansas become a 12-deep team? David Spade has hit rock bottom. It's good to know that I am still the Kiss of Death…my bowl parlay (Cal, 'Bama, Louisville, A&M, LSU, Texas) was a GIANT loser…and right after I deemed Gonzaga "damn good" they lost to Missouri and St. Mary's. Yep, I've still got the touch. ESPN has the Noles ranked #17 in their very very preseason poll for 2005. I've got $100 that says they finish in the Top 10. At least Maryland played well in its first 2 ACC games. Right. Parlaying USC and the over is the only thing I've done right since December 1. As usual, the A-10, Pac 10 and Conference USA all eat. Does it come as any surprise that Iowa and UVA were painfully overrated 2 weeks ago? It's good to see that NC State proved me wrong and is still the dumbest team in America. On the plus side, how about BC and OU making an early believer out of the CSG?

Respect. Dores. Nova. Size. Believe.

I'm back ya'll. This time I mean it. For real. The test is behind me. 3-plus months of Madness is in front of me. I finally turned that God-forsaken corner.

Vandy at UK manana. I'm strapped in. I hope everyone else is too.

(How bout them f'ing Cats tonight with a giant road W at Providence? Giddy like lamb.)

You can't even believe how good it feels to be back.

P.S. - Colonel, other planetary life is no joke. But whatever, f it.