On the Plate … 11/11/04

Be Careful. The Plate is Hot.

They always hit you with that at restaurants, don't they? Yea, they do. Why? Because sometimes that plate is hot. Sometimes, in fact, hot as balls. And the restaurant doesn't want you to burn yourself. Because if you do, you'll get pissed off and the restaurant will have to deal with all the hell you start to cause. And no restaurant wants to deal with that, do they? No. So by telling you that the damn plate is hot, they can simply say "I told you so." Well, because I'm feeling like a restaurant today, (I'm actually feeling very 'Captain D's) I want to throw out a reminder that this Saturday's fajita plate is hot hot hot. Sizzling games across the map with some gem betting opportunities. I mean nobody wants to hear 'I told you so' Sunday morning, do they?

Do they? One more time…

Do they? No, come on, write it once more please…

Do they? Awesome, this is so much fun, keep writing 'do they', you f'ing jackass.

I'm a moron.

The plate that fajitas come on, no matter chicken, steak, shrimp or a combo, is always hot…

(To eliminate any confusion, only the games below that have a spread in the title are games I'd consider throwing a dime or two on.)

Shrimp Fajita Bayou-style…

Georgia at Auburn - The heavyweight matchup of the day. Bar none. If I was an Auburn fan, I'd be wetting myself like kindergarden was back to the future. Auburn knows Georgia can beat them. Georgia knows they can beat Auburn. A Georgia win would be crushing to folks from Auburn, folks from the SEC and clowns like me who can't stand the thought of a USC/OU national championship. Reason I think Auburn wins (besides being a better team) - I'm pretty sure that Auburn feels that the pressure is squarely on their shoulders. I disagree. I think the "pressure factor" goes both ways. Remember, Georgia only has one loss - to Tennessee. If UGa wins out, they can still win the SEC East and play in the SEC Championship. If they win that, who knows, by that time everyone in the country might have one loss and the Dawgs might be headed to the Orange Bowl. (I'm trying to think like a person from Georgia right now.) However, UGa's hopes hinge on the Vols who, despite losing last week to the Irish, can win the SEC East and play in the SEC championship if they win out. How? Because UT and UGa would finish with identical records in the SEC and UT beat UGa. Craziness pie. Short and sweet, the game should be a gem. And it will be on CBS HD. Lovely.

Alabama at LSU - I'm itching to pick the Tide in this one, but I'm refraining. Why? Because I'm going to pick the Tide to beat Auburn next weekend in the Iron Bowl. Maybe. Why? I think the Tide is good, I think Mike Shula has done a great job, and it would only be fitting that Auburn lose to 'Bama to end a perfect season and a chance at a national championship. Oh, and if you haven't been paying attention, the Tide is going to be awesome next year. Reason enough to tune in Saturday night on ESPN.

South Carolina at Florida - The Official Steve Spurrier Bowl. Lou Holtz has given his approval, Spurrier is thinking about all the golf he can play in SC and Columbia, SC is battening down the hatches in preparation for having a f'ing juggernaut year in year out after the Ole Ball Coach comes to town. (Word on the street - apparently Hootie Johnson, the President of Augusta National Golf Club, told Spurrier that he would give him a membership to Augusta if he took the Gamecock job. Hootie is a USC grad, Augusta is only an hour away by car from Columbia and Hootie wants his team to be Top 10 material.)

Vanderbilt (-1.5) at Kentucky - Take the Dores and give those mutts from Kentucky the points. This one is easy. Vandy might only be 1-5 in the SEC, but 1-5 is better than 0-6. And who is 0-6? UK is. Kentucky is horrible. Vandy is no good. 'No good' always trumps 'horrible.' Obviously. The NCAA should automatically let Vandy go to the Las Vegas Bowl if they get 2 SEC wins in a season. Why? So I have another reason to go to Vegas. This is obvious.

Steak Fajita Texas-Style (thinly sliced pieces of course)…

Kansas State at Colorado (-2.5) - Yes sir! The battle for 3rd place in the stinking Big 12 North! Radical! No wait…totally radical! P.S., take the Buffs.

Nebraska at Oklahoma (-30) - The question here is not whether OU will cover but will they cover 2-times over. For the drunk, that was a joke referring to the possibility of Oklahoma winning by 60. So feasible it is actually quite depressing…unless you hate the Huskers of course.

Texas Tech at Texas A&M - I'd love to watch this game. Should be entertaining as all hell. That's all I have to say.

Chicken Fajita Hoosiers-style (because Hoosiers was filmed in Indiana on a chicken farm. And everyone knows that the Big 10 is known as chicken country due to Hoosiers. I'm joking.)…

Northwestern (+14) at Michigan - I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside, oh no, oh no…OK, I'm trying to work this Beatles/Northwestern thing one more time. Remember the song, "You can do magic, ch ch ch, you can do anything that you desire"? Yea, me too. Well, Northwestern has been singing this song all week long. Not to win, of course, but to cover.

Wisconsin at Michigan State - I'd be drunk by 9 in the morn if I was a Badger fan. Only way I could deal with my boys heading to East Lansing in a game that reeks of upset.

Ohio State (+4) at Purdue - Frank Perdue is done. Been done since the Wisconsin debacle. And you know the Buckeyes are going to be fired up considering they are about to go on 4,000 years of probation. Actually, F probation, they are getting the death penalty. Wait, no they aren't. Why? Because Maurice Clarett is f'ing joke. That's why. Buckeyes win, Tressel looks glorious as ever in his tie and sweater vest, and Kyle Orton takes his "50% healthy" ass and walks into oncoming traffic.

Combo Platter (always colorful)…

Miami (+ 3.5) at UVA - The bet of the day. It's like my Dad taught me as a child…you never, ever, ever kick a Hurricane when it's down. If you do, it'll get ya. Unfortunately for me, I didn't heed this advice and became a FSU fan. If you ask to be tortured, you probably will. I did I guess. Anyway, regarding this game, it is quite simple. Miami can not, will not, has not lost three in a row under Larry Coker. UVA can not, will not, has not beaten anyone of any substance all year. Those two things are not going to change. Put the mortgage on the Canes.

Boston College at West Virginia - Remember that bar near my apartment building that I described a few weeks back? Yea, the one with the WVU banner. I'll be there Saturday at noon for the kick of this Big East gem acting like I'm Johnny WVU. I'll be yelling stuff like, "God, I love West Virginia football!" and "Mountaineers kick ass!" OK, maybe I won't be yelling anything at all but it is safe to say that a cold beverage or two will be consumed in the process of watching the game. It's not safe to say, however, "Big East" and "gem" in the same sentence unless you are talking about hoops. I'll probably get struck by lightning in the next 8 minutes.

Pitt at Notre Dame - I've got this game on the list out of respect for the Irish. I've bet against them all year. I've said they sucked all year. And last weekend they go into Neyland Stadium and beat a team I hate with a passion. And in doing so, they become bowl eligible. God bless them. I hope they beat the piss out of Pitt on Saturday. In fact, I hope they win out. After all, USC is still on the schedule. Come on, Touchdown Jesus, let's get this done!

Oregon State (PK) at Stanford - 4 in a row with the Beavs. And you want me to stop now? Hell no.

Cal (-30) at Washington - Does this pick need an explanation? Unless it f'ing snows in Seattle on Saturday, this one is as good as the Golden Bear. Not the Golden Bears. No 's'. Golden Bear. You like that? You never expected a Jack Nicklaus reference in this poison, did you? No, you didn't. And I hate Jack Nicklaus. That's how nutty I'm getting.

It's a bang-up weekend, right? Am I getting overly excited about nothing? Maybe I just want the weekend to get here. Either way, the weekend should be a damn gem. And just think, by the time this column hits "the wire", the Noles will have lost to NC State Thursday night and I'll be dead, drunk and naked in the Potomac River.

Back in the mix on Monday. Getting to be about that time to talk some roundball. In fact, keep this quiet, but 8 games tip off tonight in the Coaches versus Cancer Classic. Hush.