On the Plate … Weekend 11/6/04 - 11/7/04

Talking like Webster

At some point last Friday night, while I was fending off gin martinis, I lost my voice. I'm not sure how one loses their voice when they aren't doing a lot of yelling more or less much of anything, but apparently it can happen. So now, I am drinking tea with honey in it like it is going out of style and when I speak I sound like Webster from the TV show 'Webster'. (I wrote that last sentence.) It's great. No, actually it's f'ing great. Not only am I voiceless, but it is cold like NBA field goal percentages outside and the past weekend was less than spectacular on the gridiron.

While I'm thinking about it…wasn't Dan Dierdorf in the TV show Webster? Was Dierdorf Webster's Dad? I'm laughing out loud right now. A 2-foot tall black kid who talks like me when I've lost my voice whose father may or may not be Dan Deirdorf? Can I stop writing this column now? Everyone in the stadium knows I just used my best material. Ah, Webster. The good stuff.

While I'm reminiscing…I was Chassie Tenenbaum for Halloween. I considered going as Mark Mangino at first but didn't think that everyone would "get it." I also didn't want to deal with pillows taped to my body for 8 hours. Best costume of the night? My buddy that didn't dress up but told people that he was Houston Nutt. Second best costume? Hacksaw Jim Duggan (with 2x4). Third best? Skinny sumo wrestler wearing loin-cloth only.

While I'm talking about the "greatest"…Greatest tattoo idea ever? A series of Chinese symbols around your neck that says "If this were a picture, it would be a picture of Lee Corso's face."

My least favorite day of the year? That gorgeous 70 degree day in late fall that is immediately followed by the coldest day of the year. Sunday was brilliant. Monday was hellacious. I f'ing hate this past Sunday. It won't be like Sunday for another 6 months. Awesome. You want to know what else is really awesome? Walking to work in the freezing cold-ass wind when it is dark out. Yea, now that's some good shhh.

Speaking of not good shhh, this past Saturday was all in all pretty damn infuriating if you ask me. Why? Keep reading…

1. USC won again. And didn't impress me in doing so. Sure, I guess every team has an off game and just ends up "squeaking by." But fog or no fog, USC shouldn't struggle like they did at Oregon State. (A CSG moneymaker, thanks very much) And honestly, I don't care if USC had beaten the Beavers by 200, I'd still be chirping that I think the Pac 10 sucks. I mean, seriously, what is good about the Pac 10? USC and Cal? Who else? The Oregon squads? No. Arizona State? No. I just don't buy it. Sorry. There is no legitimate argument, in my opinion, that can put the Pac 10 in the same "football sentence" as the SEC or the Big 12 South, or even the ACC. (The Big 12 North is laughable this year). The Pac 10 sucks, I hate the Pac 10, and I hate Matt Leinert. There, I said it. (USC is going to win the national championship again, and frankly I'm having trouble handling it. There, I said that too.)
2. See above. OU is not that good. Period. Read it. Eat it. Love it. Do whatever you have to do to understand it. The Oklahoma Sooners are not that good. Sure, they played a tough game in the "Bedlam Series" last weekend against Okie State. Sure, they went into hostile College Station to face an exponentially improved Texas A&M team. But come on. The Sooner teams of the past several years bury those teams. Actually, and more importantly, they bury one of them at least. One tight game is acceptable. Back-to-back squeakers? Against a team that gave up 49 unanswered to Texas on Saturday and a team that lost to Baylor? Not good. (To be honest, I'm afraid that OU can't beat USC. And the way everything is shaping up has those two mutt squads playing for all the money. USC is killing me. They are like the Cowboys. I think.)
3. What's my point? I just want USC or OU to lose. Why? So that Auburn can play in the damn national championship. For the 487th time, Auburn is the best team in the land. And they are on the outside looking in. The f'ing NCAA pisses me off.
4. FSU struggled against Duke because Bobby Bowden started Chris Rix. It saddens me deeply to say this but I think Coach Bowden is losing his mind.
5. I bet on Tennessee and bet against Notre Dame. In the same game. Never again. Either of them. Obviously. What? I'm tired.
6. I didn't bet on Arizona.
7. Army lost to East Carolina. Made me mad simply because that's a game Army should win. Yes, I just wrote the words "should win" with the word "Army" in front of them. Army / Navy is going to be futuristic hot this year. I'm psyched for it. It should be a real game for the first time in a few years.
8. Navy got rolled by Tulane. Tulane? I hate Tulane too.
9. As already mentioned in #2, Oklahoma State gave up 49 unanswered points to Texas, at Texas, after being up 35-7. At 35-7, I was giddy as Mack Brown was getting pummeled. Game over, right? Sure. So I decided to go out and get my Sat night on. A few beers later, I caught the score and realized that, apparently, Oklahoma State had decided to end my giddiness by xrapping the bed in the second half.
10. Tommy Bowden went to the Orange Bowl for the first time as Clemson head coach and got what his old man (and me) can never seem to get…a win against the Canes in Miami. F'ing brutal. My only comment to Canes fans…welcome to the "it's good news to know that your starting QB is a senior" club. Any ideas on preseason odds of both Miami and FSU having 2 losses in the ACC by November 7?

Positives from the weekend? Syracuse's all-orange uniforms, Wisconsin being Wisconsin and my Webster voice. Obviously.

P.S. - I hate the NFL. Painfully boring. Parity is great and all but when 93% of the teams eat, is that fun? The NFL is like the f'ing Pac 10. Miserable.

P.S.S - I love everything about the Ravens. Their all black uniforms worn Sunday night. Zeus' extra tinted visor. The idea that Ed Reed created a dance combining Ray Ray's dance and Deion's dance that he said he'd do, with Ray Ray and Deion, when he scored a defensive touchdown. So ridiculous it is genius. The only problem was that Eddie Reed scored a defensive TD on Sunday night but never did the dance. He was too tired after returning his interception 106 yards. Maybe this week in NYC against the Jets. Quincy Carter is good for a few picks. Easy.

Back at ya on Friday with some conference chatter.