On the Plate … 10/23/04

Dead Man Talking

CSG R.I.P.

Brutal. Heart wrenching. Embarrassing. Motivating.

It's like Santana Moss said, "Big time players show up in big time games."

Isn't he the one that said that first? I don't know. At least that's who I remember saying it. Santana's gold grill chirping after another Canes win over the Noles a few years back. I had Santana on the brain this morning after watching some College Gameday with Lee, Kirk and Chris live from Raleigh, NC before the NC State / Canes game tonight. They showed an interview with Miami's Roscoe Parrish who attempted to say the same thing. Unfortunately Roscoe has not mastered the English language. Roscoe's version of the above statement was something more like, "Big players, you know, big, uh, players, big games, big, you know." Yes, Roscoe, we know.

Can you hear dead people? I hope so.

CSG-ites, I'm coming live from my joint in the District. Sitting on the couch. Watching some f'ing college football. Finally. I'm back. Maybe not from the dead, but I'm back somewhere. And I've got a lot to say. I've always said, you can take the kid out of the game, but you can't take the game out of the kid. So I'm going to try, although I am dead to many of you now, to bring myself back to national prominence. It's time to step up. And hopefully, I can do a little better job than Roscoe.

CSG watching TV? What? When did that happen? Yep yep, the CSG finally got his ass motivated to pick up the phone and call the f'ing cable guy. Why? Because two Thursdays ago, I "watched" the second half of the Miami/Louisville game on my phone. Say what? I waited every two minutes for my buddy in the MIA to send me a text message on what was going down. Sad? Indeed. Finally, my buddy called me after I told him that I hadn't seen a minute of the game. We had the following conversation…

Him: You're not watching the game? You still don't have cable yet?

Me: No, I don't have xrap.

Him: That's it. I'm taking your website away from you. You're the f'ing CSG.

Me: Man, all I'm doing is working and sleeping.

Him: What? Those are the two things you hate the most.

Me: I know.

Him: You love watching college football and staying up late.

Me: I know. I gotta change my way of living.

What's a sign of a good friend? I'll tell you. It's when your buddy calls the final 8 minutes of a game, Keith-Jackson-style, over the phone for you when you don't have a TV. And folks, that's what happened. I got live play-by-play action for the final 8 minutes of the amazing Miami comeback against Louisville two Thursdays ago. Sometimes all a kid needs is a helping hand.

Well, I got the hand to pick me up. Here we go…

Some quick final scores from the hideous slate of noon kickoffs that I'm flipping between…

Maryland (7) at Clemson (10) - Worst game I've watched since Redskins/Bears last Sunday. Horrific. Saving grace of the game? You guessed it. The Clemson purple jerseys. Amazing. Question: have the Clemson purples always had orange numbers? Or did they used to have white numbers? I need an answer on this. My gut says they were white, but my brain is mush so don't hold your breath on that one. Speaking of uniforms, Maryland better hope they can get out of their UnderArmour contract. Not only are the uniforms vomit-inducing, but the Terps suck in them. Terps wear Nike; they win 10 games. They wear UnderArmour; they puke. Nice.

Iowa (6) at Penn State (4) - I think Rece Davis just suggested that both teams should pull their goalies in this one. Big 10 football. Awesome. Penn State. Awful. When is the last time a team finished with 4 points? Holy xrap. And to think that 8 years ago I made a diehard argument to my buddy from Georgia that Big 10 football was superior to the SEC. Someone should seriously shoot me.

Want to know something really awesome about DC? Rutgers football is covered. Yea, so instead of getting the scheduled ABC game, I get to watch Rutgers. F'ing awesome, right? Instead of getting the MD/Clemson game on ABC-HD, I get the Rutgers/Pitt game on ESPN-plus feed. Not HD. Now, I'm hoping someone shoots me.

Doing laundry blows.

The 3:30 slate…

BC at Irish (started an hour ago, haven't turned it on yet), Noles at Wake, 'Bama at Fulmer U.

Not bad selections. I'd like to watch Michigan at Purdue but then I wouldn't get the FSU game. And Wake Forest scares me. It's a perfect let down game after FSU's whipping of UVA last weekend. And Terry Bowden is calling the game. "Get in there boy and fetch me a damn touchdown!"

High-Def on CBS is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. It's better than regular vision. Is it possible to have HD installed in your eyes? If so, give me the phone number.

7-0 Wake. My boy Wyatt just threw a pick that was returned for a touchdown. I'm considering having my first beverage. 10-7 'Bama over the Vols. A 'Bama win would be glorious. F Philip Fulmer. Whiny little bitch.

In the last 3 minutes, both announcing crews have made references to the Red Sox/Yankees series. ABC's Tim Brant, the worst announcer in the history of sports, just chanted "who's your daddy?" to Terry Bowden. If only I could see Terry's face. Guaranteed to be priceless. Actually, it's "Terra" if you spell his name the way he says it. And Todd Blackledge, on CBS, just said that Curt Schilling's performance in Game 6 was one of the most courageous sporting performances he has ever witnessed. Thanks, Todd. None of us had figured that one out yet. More on baseball in Dead Man Talking Part 2.

I think Terry Bowden has a mouth full of food right now. Field goal by the Noles. 7-3.

Who is the black guy in the AFLAC ads and why isn't he a more prominent national figure? I love that guy.

Alabama's uniforms are gorgeous.

Vertigo by U2. iPod + tunes. "Uno, dos, tres, catorce!" "1,2,3,14!" Obviously. When you have vertigo, you can't count. We all know this.

Want to know why having broken ribs are a good thing? My buddy told me that "the less ribs you have in you, the more ribs you can put in you." He likes to eat ribs at Flanigan's. But then again, who doesn't.

This makes sense. Just think about it.

Gary Thorne. So multi-dimensional. Greatest hockey announcer of all-time, calls the Mets games, and now working into the college foot mix. I love this man. (I just wrote that like the lady says it in the diamond ad.) (No, I didn't.)

I just threw up in my mouth. 14-3 Wake. Another Wyatt Sexton mistake. Fumble returned for a touchdown. I'm not 100% positive about this but I think Chris Rix's spirit entered Wyatt's body before the game. Either that or Wyatt smoked a pound of dope 10 minutes before kickoff.

Desperate Housewives preview. Tim Brant says, "That doesn't look like my neighborhood!" Nice Tim. Terra Bowden responds with, "I'm gonna put the kids to bed and sit on my couch. I'll be on the couch!" I just threw up in my mouth again.

Halftime. 14-3 Wake. Not good. In fact, very f'ing bad. Suzy So-and-So just interviewed Bobby Bowden heading into the locker room. "Coach, what do you need to do for the second half?" "Well, we need to catch the ball…and protect our passer." Yes, that would be nice. I have a warm feeling on the inside because what Coach Bowden just said was, "Chris Rix is not coming in the game, Suzy." Sigh.

I want to live in the world portrayed in the Sharp Aquos TV ads.

Who'd I like this week?

Rice at Navy (-10) - 14-13 Navy. I lose. I've been doing a lot of that lately.

Virginia (-26) at Duke - 37-14. Another loser. I'm on a f'ing roll.

Washington State at Oregon State (-6.5) - It's a sad state of affairs when you are banking on the Pac-10 to bring you back from a rough start to the day. I've done it the last 2 weekends and won. Let the tradition continue.

Washington at USC (-34) - Why not double down? Right?

On CBS's halftime show, Tim Brando just said what I was thinking. "Folks, Florida loses to Miss State and FSU is losing by 11 at half to Wake. Do you think Miami is getting a little nervous about NC State?"

My $0.02 from around the nation…

Florida (31) at Mississippi State (38) - It's official. Ron Zook's days in Gainesville are finite. F'ing atrocious.

Indiana (7) at Ohio State (30) - People in Ohio probably think that Ohio State is good now. That's funny. Wait til they play Michigan. (Speaking of Michigan, why does every announcer/analyst call Michigan "Meechigan"? What is that? That's not how people in Michigan talk, is it?")

Nebraska (21) at Kansas State (45) - When is Bill Callahan getting fired? And when will people begin to accept the fact that Penn State and Nebraska are done as football institutions?

Kansas (10) at Oklahoma (41) - The Sooners are not the best team in the country.

Kentucky (10) at Auburn (42) - Who is? The War Eagle.

Colorado (26) at Texas A&M (29) - How good of a coach is Dennis Francione? The cat wins everywhere he goes. I can't believe that the Aggies are 6-1. Beyond impressive.

Buckle in for the Second Half…

Touchdown! Sexton to Reid! The people in my apartment building must think I'm insane. I'm hooting and hollering like a f'ing buffoon. I love it.

I take back everything I've ever said about Tim Brant. Why? He just became the first announcer in history to approve of trash talking. "When you hit somebody like that, you better let them know about it afterwards." I'm buying a Tim Brant jersey tomorrow.

FSU's quarterback is named Wyatt Sexton. Terra Bowden calls him "Wite Sesson".

Craphonso Thorpe hasn't caught xrap all day. He's dropped more f'ing balls. He's killing me.

I just figured out who Terra Bowden is. He's Porky Pig. He's priceless.

Oh, in case you didn't notice, this junk has turned into a FSU column.

ABC is stepping it up. They have Velvet Revolver's 'Slither' as their "going-to-commercial-highlights-song." Totally Porky's call.

Antonio Cromartie is the best punt cover man in the country. And other than the Canes Antrel Rolle, I think he's the best cornerback in the country.

Typical Noles. 12 f'ing penalties. These games take years off of my life.

TOUCHDOWN NOLES! 46-yarder! Sexton to Robinson! I'm high-fiving myself!

4th-&-14 and Wake is going for it? Holy piss. The kid got 12. I may or may not have just wet myself.

In the words of Raleigh St Clair, "Well, I just want to die." After FSU gets the ball back, Wake intercepts a tipped ball at the line of scrimmage. 4 plays later they kick a field goal to tie the game. What the F.

Porky is making no sense. Zero. He might as well be speaking in Korean. At this point, I wish I was Korean. That way I wouldn't give a F about this game.

LORENZO! For the love of all things holy, I love this kid. He's from Compton. And he can run. 47 yard run on 3rd and 10. DOMINIC! I don't know where he is from but I love him too. Huge catch on 3rd and 7. I officially have the shakes. In other words, I am shaking.

I'm getting Andre Agassi's kid's haircut. Read that correctly. I'm not cutting his hair. I'm getting the exact same haircut. That mop is unstoppable.

I'm about to pass out. Blood is not flowing to my feet. Solution? Start drinking. Coors Lights have made an entrance.

Oh good. Xavier Beitia is coming out to kick a field goal. It's a shame I don't have a friend like John Travolta has in Pulp Fiction b/c I need a shot of adrenaline asap.

Kick is good. I'm not excited. Wake has 63 seconds left. Remember the Miami game? Me too.

Final. Noles 20 Wake 17. Sweet Jesus. I need a blood transfusion.

Apparently 'Bama lost. That sucks. That whining cheating Fatty McGhee's team beat the Tide. Alabama is still totally cooler than Tennessee. And the Irish lost at the buzzer. The city of Boston can't lose these days.

Well, we'll see. Game 1 from Fenway kicks off in 20 minutes. I need to relack for that one.

Thoughts on Game 1, the ALCS, NLCS, Midnight Madness and my first college football midyear breakdown coming in the next 2 days in Dead Man Talking Part 2. I might be dead. Don't mean I'm going to shut up.