On the Plate … 10/8/04

Am I winning?

Have you ever seen a 4 year old kid at a baseball game? He has no idea what is going on, who the people are on the field, why people are yelling, why the police are beating a loud man about the head, etc. All he knows is that he's at the damn stadium for the hot dogs. He doesn't even know who is winning.

Well you want to know something? I'm like that 4 year old these days. But there's a kicker. I have no idea if I'm winning and I have no hot dogs. Let me elaborate. I am winning. But the CSG, who happens to be me also, is not winning. Make sense? Of course not. What I'm trying to say is that I'm doing great, but the CSG isn't. He's in pseudo lock down. Solitary confinement style. No sunlight, no time, no fresh air, and most importantly no ideas. Why no ideas? Because he has no sunlight, no time and no fresh air. Obviously. You see, the CSG used to live in this fantasy world, or Candyland as I like to call it, where he pretty much did what he wanted, when he wanted. And it was legit. The kid was white hot. Like heat that is white. Very hot. But then the CSG got the bright idea of "joining the real world" and saying goodbye to Candyland. The CSG thought he could mesh the "real world" with his prior Candyland life. What the CSG didn't realize is that the real world is time consuming. Very time consuming. And the CSG doesn't operate well when his time is consumed. All work and no play makes the CSG unimaginative. And a little angry. And restless.

So the CSG got a bright idea. What was the idea? What did that crazy fool do last night? I'll tell you what he did. By the way, do you like the way I'm referring to myself in the first and third person at the same time? Do you like that? I think I f'ing love it. It's useless, senseless and pointless. Perfectly gorgeous too. Anyway so after a gruesome Wednesday "in lock down" and a brutal Thursday morning "in lock down" the CSG hit his breaking point. The poor SOB hadn't shaken loose in days. So I said "F it, this kid's putting some gas on the fire tonight." I escaped my solitary confinement and busted loose with my buddy, The Mayor. We ended up rolling to this redneck joint right by my new place. It's really not a redneck joint but it does have a West Virginia University flag on the wall, and on Saturdays there is a huge banner out front that says "Home of the Mountaineers." OK, so maybe it is a redneck joint. It's totally legit though. Why? B/c last night dudes were arm-wrestling at the bar yelling obscenities in each other's face. It was glorious.

In all actuality the night was definitely not a "pour gas on the fire" style night, but I did get to watch Clemson at UVA and I did get to consume many delicious beverages. You may be asking yourself what is so "F it" about that. Well, I went into the evening assuming that today was going to be an uneventful Friday. Why I assumed that I have no idea considering this is only my second Friday. Anyway, as I was walking out of my place to go meet The Mayor, I decided to check my Blackberry (yes I now have a Blackberry which I like to call the 'homing device') just to make sure there wasn't anything going down in the "real world" that could potentially ruin my night. Well, there was. Some xrap hit the fan. What did I do? I said "F it." I wasn't going to deal with that poison last night. So I dealt with it this morning. And now I'm deliriously tired. But I got to watch the woeful Tigers fall to 1-4, got to scout the Cavs for next week's showdown at the Doak and I managed to put my "real world" fire out this morning early as balls. Good times. And now here I am, writing a friggin' CSG column from my cubicle. Like Michael Jackson has always said, the CSG is bad.

Do you want to hear something atrocious? I have seen a total of 4 innings of playoff baseball since it started. Game 2 Twins/Yankees gem? Saw one at-bat. Game 2 Astros/Braves walk-off homer? Saw none of it. This is actually beginning to eat at me because last year Disco and I probably watched 98.7% of the baseball playoffs. Granted we were drunk for the majority of that 98.7% but at least we showed the commitment. And damn it, it was fun. This baseball thing has got to change by the time Red Sox/Yankees rolls around or I'm saying adios to the "real world."

You want to know what else I missed? Chiefs at Ravens last Monday night. I saw none of it. This is not pleasant to talk about. So I'm stopping. In my prior life I would have been AT that game. New life. No game. No TV. No nothing. Pissed.

On that note though, if any of you kiddies pick up the Washington Post on Monday and read about a man who right after the Ravens whipped the 'Skins ran through the streets of the District cuckawing, you'll know who to call for details. That's right...Caucasian PrimeTime.

Regarding last week's picks...

They weren't amazing but they weren't bad either. I mean think about. Who would have ever thought that Georgia would have had their offensive breakout game against LSU? Casinos wouldn't take that bet. Believe me. I called the Stardust and asked them. And they said no. And who would have ever thought that Tommy Tuberville's Auburn team rolls into Knoxville and blasts the Vols? I means blasts. Not many. Win, yes, but not blasts. I will say that although I lost some coin on that one it was quite enjoyable watching Coach Fulmer's play-dough-like-face distort with discomfort numerous times in the first half. And Kansas State, well, was just a dumb bet. I'm an idiot for that one. But on the bright side, Miami was my lock of the decade and it was money. Purdue was money. And how about my call on Kansas?!? I hope you liked it as much as I did.

Moving on to this week...

Talk about a slate of big games. In the words of Axl Rose, wowsa. Unfortunately I'll only be watching the big games this week, not wagering on any of them. I like a few "off the cuff" games this week. I'm staying away from the primetime, although there is a better than average chance I parlay OU (-7) and the over. But let's pretend I didn't just write that.

Indiana at Northwestern (-10.5) - How can I not jump on the 'Cats bandwagon after last weekend's W over the Buckeyes? I despise the Buckeyes. Always have. Always will. For the Northwestern Wildcats to have beaten them last weekend is like a little bit of Christmas in October. Well maybe not that exciting but you get the point. Anyway, take a look at who NW has played - L at TCU, L to Arizona State, W vs Kansas, L at Minnesota, W vs Ohio State. Are you kidding me? That might be the toughest schedule played so far in the country. And other than getting rocked at Minnesota, NW has been in all of the games. Whereas IU has lost 3 straight including a loss at Kentucky and a home loss to Michigan State. Not good. Give the points, take the Wildcats.

Illinois (+7.5) at Michigan State - A battle of miserable squads. And I like the less miserable of the two: the Illini. Don't get me wrong, I like the seven points as well. Let's play the history game with these 2 mutts just like we did with NW and IU. Michigan State is giving 7 to an Illinois team that has played pretty well the last two weeks in losing efforts. A 38-30 loss to Purdue and a 24-7 loss at Wisconsin. More than respectable, whereas the Spartans haven't done a damn thing. L at Rutgers, W vs Central Michigan, L vs Notre Dame, W at IU, L at Iowa. This game should be an even heat, maybe a 3 point edge for MSU solely b/c of the game being in East Lansing. I like the Illini +7.

Rutgers at Vanderbilt (-6.5) - I have to do it. I have to. I don't want to hear it. I'm taking the Dores and I'm giving 6.5 and everyone is going to like it. First the first time in my life I can say, "Vanderbilt is playing good football." So I'm going to bet on them. It's as simple as that. And, of course, because Rutgers is awful. Oh, and the Dores are 3-1 against the spread this year.

Nebraska at Texas Tech (-7) - Only 7? I'm all over the Red Raiders. Too much offense against an overrated defense. Like taking candy from a baby. (Which is fun by the way.) So much fun, I'm nervous about this one.

If I had a gun to my head...

Tennessee (+13) at Georgia - Phil & Co getting 13? Seems hefty. Doubling down from last weekend - taking the Vols, betting against the Dawgs.

Cal (+7) at USC - I think Cal wins. I just haven't convinced my wallet yet.

Minnesota (+3.5) at Michigan - I think Minnesota wins. I just haven't convinced my wallet yet.

So there it is. I'm exhausted. But it's Friday, and I'm giddy. Keep it real in the "real world." See ya on the flip. Homeboy needs a beverage.