On the Plate … 9/9/04

Faves Giving 2 Touches

That's the name of the game this week. Well that and,…

"If the Noles don't f'ing win Friday night, I'm going to Ed Norton-in-Fight Club the sh-t out of myself."

Oh dear sweet Jesus, I need the Noles to win. I cannot emphasize this enough. It's kind of like that song where the lady singing needs some person like the desert needs the rain. Kind of like that. I mean kind of, but not nearly as gay. Anyway "my need" is so damn intense that I'm going to stop writing about it. In a second. As much as I love Noles/Canes, I hate it. It pains the xrap out of me to know that there is a better than average chance that a FSU kicker, namely Xavier Beitia, is going to have an opportunity to win the game and completely F it up. I mean why wouldn't he? He's already torn my heart out and fed it to me twice against the Canes. I almost named this column "Choking on My Own Vomit," but decided I didn't want to predict the future. Aye aye aye. Let me give you an indication of how insane I am over this stuff. I can't physically get myself to get on www.tallahassee.com to read the pre-game local chatter b/c I get too nervous. Enough on this, before I start sweating. I'll give a gag-inducing-mayo-sized-dollop on this God-forsaken game early next week. And that's a promise. I'll either be uncontrollably giddy or dead. And both of those options should make for a good column.

On a positive note, or at least not as bizarre, I went 4-for-4 last week in the trenches. The trenches? Yep, the trenches. CSG vs the Line. I had Utah giving 8, Washington State giving 3.5, UVA giving 16 and Navy giving 7. All W's. And like I have always said, it ain't too early to go undefeated. That's why this week I'm delving into the mighty world of the parlay. And I'm taking favorites giving at least 2 touchdowns. No particular reason why. 2 days ago after I was done studying the lines, I had 3 games circled as the victims of my first parlay of the season. And they were all giving right around 2 TDs. Here they are…

Michigan (-14) at Notre Dame - The Irish suck. Period. And Michigan is a bit better than BYU. I know they are playing in front of TD Jesus, but even he can't stop the Wolverines from winning by 20.

Wake Forest (-15) at East Carolina - ECU sucks. Period. And Wake is looking to hammer the Pirates after blowing their fourth quarter lead and eventually losing in 2OT at Clemson last week. The Demon Deacs should be 1-0. They'll be 1-1 easily after this weekend.

Duke at UConn (-14.5) - Guess what? Yep, Duke sucks. Period. And UConn is pretty damn good. Forget the fact that they were tied 14-all at halftime against Murray State last weekend. First game jitters. From what I have heard, UConn football games are rowdy, loud, obnoxious and drunken. In other words, a hostile crowd that the Devils won't want to deal with. And don't think for a moment that the UConn faithful, and team, don't want to have beaten Duke both on the hardwood and on the gridiron in the same year. UConn in a rout.

Here are 2 others I have had my eye on. But not for the parlay. Straight-up style…

Fresno State (+13) at Kansas State - I'm not jiving with this one at all. It has to be wrong. The facts: KSU beats Western Kentucky 27-13 last week at home. Yes, f'ing Western Kentucky. As in I-AA WKU. What most folks don't know is that it was 20-13 with 6 ˝ minutes to go. In other words, a late TD by KSU makes the win look a little more respectable, but not by much. Fresno, on the other hand, goes into Washington last Sunday and lays a 35-16 thumping on the Huskies. Boom. And they are getting 13? Either I am crazy, I am blind, I am drunk or I am right. Fresno is always better than people think. Always.

Georgia Tech (+7) at Clemson - This bet goes both ways. If you think the Clemson of last week IS the Clemson of the season, bet Tech. If the Clemson of last week was simply a half-assed effort by a much more talented team, bet Tigers. In my opinion, Clemson stole last week's game from Wake. And I have no faith in Tommy Bowden, or his team. Tech is like Fresno - always better than people think. That's why this line is only 7. And that's the damn kicker. If it was 10, I'd be all over the Jackets.

Quick thoughts from last week's action…

Oregon State (21) at LSU (22) - My buddy Randall put it perfectly when he said, "If that kid kicking for OSU had gone to a school that actually gave a F about football, he wouldn't have made it out of Louisiana alive." Yep. What a f'ing jackass. Not only for missing 3 extra points, but for having a temper tantrum after he missed the one in OT. Frankly someone should shoot that kid. Oh, LSU better figure their xrap out on the quick or it's going to be a long-ass season in Baton Rouge.

Tulane (7) at Miss State (28) - Congrats to Sly Croom. Good stuff..

E. Carolina (23) at West Virginia (56) - I'm changing my name to Kay-Jay. Don't try to change my mind. Consider it done. I mean did you see what that kid did on the ground?

Michigan State (14) at The University of New Jersey (19) - God loves New Jersey and their Scarlet Knights. The Thinktank and I argued about this the other day. Why the hell isn't Rutgers unstoppable in football? It ain't like Jersey is short on players. I don't get this. Maybe last week's win is a sign of things to come. Maybe not. Michigan State blows.

Oklahoma State (31) at UCLA (20) - Yep, I was right. The Pac 10 continually eats.

UTEP (9) at Arizona State (41) - Do you think Mike Price found a sweet strip club in Phoenix after this thrashing? Or do you think he met up with Larry Eustachy at the KA house at ASU? Or both?

Final thought…

To all of you who have written me about Deion being a Raven, relax. When you see the newly inked tattoo of his face on my chest you will know just how excited I am. He's my f'ing hero and that's a fact. Don't believe me? Well believe this - In 8th grade at a Catholic school, how many kids ask their Mom if their Confirmation name can be Deion? Only one. Yep. Call me Caucasian Primetime from now on.