On the Plate … 9/2/04

Frances 1. CSG 0.

Yep kids, I've got some bad news. No OB for me this weekend. That little devil, or shall I say big devil, Hurricane Frances, put a serious wrench in my travel plans to the MIA. As badly as I want to be in the stands when the Noles come roaring out of the tunnel, I don't want to be in the air heading into the eye of Frances. By the way, who the hell came up with the phrase "put a wrench in"? What does "put a wrench" mean? I mean I know what it conceptually means but what was the situation when some cat dropped a "so and so really put a wrench in blah blah blah." Do people still use wrenches? I'm not even sure I know what a wrench does. And yes, much to your surprise, I am not what some may call a "handyman." Of course, a handyman in the parlance of our times. Of course. Quitely. Man, let me tell you that not only has this damn Hurricane, who I like to refer to as Frank or Fran (when I'm feeling nice), made me more insane than I was a week ago, but it has now seriously put a wrench in my whole dame year. I know what you all are thinking. "This jackass can fly to Miami on Sunday and still make the game Monday night. What the hell is he bitching about?" Well, for one, there's a good chance that the game is going to be cancelled considering Florida is going to get manhandled. Two, people still don't know what direction Frank is going to head. Most people think it is going to roll north of Miami, but there is a shot that it could keep pushing westward. Hurricanes are unpredictable animals, so I've been told by the CSG Thinktank. And last but clearly not least, I don't have a ticket to the damn game. No ticket? Yea, that's how I roll. On the f'ing edge. I'm an idiot. Anyway, there are way too many variables with too little time to get this damn thing done. And there is a gigantic f'ing hurricane heading for the MIA. Not good. Needless to say, I am rescheduling my Caneland trip for November when Clemson rolls to the OB. Clemson / Canes is clearly not of the same caliber as Noles / Canes, but it is the second best home game the Canes have. It'll have to do. And it will. And while Florida is getting ripped up by Frank, Charm City will get ripped up by Hurricane Grabbo who will be a bundle of lunacy if the game is played Monday night. Holy xrap, I'm going to be like an escapee. In the 3 hours the game is played, if it is played, I'll probably sweat off a good 7 to 8 pounds, drink 65 beers, gnaw my right hand off and light myself on fire. OB or no OB, I can't wait.

I have to say that I am as happy as a fat man in front of the McDonald's $1 menu to know that this weekend is the first full slate of college football games. The games might not be the strongest I've ever seen, but I don't care. (Obviously, I am excluding FSU / Miami from the equation.) I'm just ready to sit at the Market, drink a few coldies and watch some ball. And in all fairness, there are few games on Saturday that are worth checking into…

South Carolina at Vanderbilt - Any explanation needed? Dores win, they go 6-5 and I go bowling. Both duckpin and Independence.

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn - Why am I mentioning this game? B/c the Tigers are giving 38 ½ points. That's a lot of points. That's all I saying.

Wake Forest at Clemson - The first ACC game of the year. The winner gets a leg up on finishing 5th in the league. Awesome!

Oklahoma St at UCLA - You heard me say it during hoops season. I'll say it during foot season. Pac 10 ball eats (sans USC). Let's just hope the Cowboys back me up on this one.

Northern Illinois at Maryland - Peaks interest for 2 reasons. One, NIU beat the Terps last year. Two, every drunk jackass in Baltimore will be in the mix for this one.

Colorado St at Colorado - Always the best game of the first week because both teams are normally pretty good and they hate each other. This one carries extra incentive this year to see if the Colorado players can keep their pants on for a full three hours. If I was the AD at CSU, I'd keep my cheerleaders as far from the CU sideline as possible.

Notre Dame at BYU - The beginning of the end for Ty Willingham. The beginning of the beginning for my boy Victor Abiamiri for the Irish. #95, right defensive end. Kid's only a sophomore and can play some serious ball. In a few years, he's going to make some city really happy on Sundays.

UNLV at Tennessee - The Armed Robbery Kickoff Classic. Need I say more? Actually I do. Philip Fulmer is fat. And stupid.

I'm ashamed to say that I only caught bits and pieces of the Virginia Tech / USC game last weekend. You see, I was in Atlantic City for a buddy's bachelor party. It was kind of tough to focus on the game while I was stiff-arming hookers, embracing quadriplegic amputees and going mano-y-mano with the Wheel of Fortune slot machine. Forgive me. Just be happy that I am still alive.

Oh, and in case if you didn't notice, I am no longer "filling the void." We're back "on the plate", kids, and I'm f'ing loving it.