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Filling the Void … 8/12/04

Hoping I Don't Live the Dream

Actually, the above should read "a" dream. Because there is really nothing more that I want to do than to live "the" dream. And living "the" dream starts with Alexis Glick. For those highly confused right now, Alexis Glick is one of the morning reporters on CNBC. And she's smoking. Come to think of it, if she was actually "smoking" while reporting, holy xrap, now that would be smoking. Amazing. Look at the use of parentheses in the first couple sentences. I'm on a damn roll.

I gotta live THE dream. Mick Jagger-style. Yep, that's what I need to do. I think I'll start tomorrow. From now on, consider me living the dream. Actually don't, because if I'm currently living the dream, someone please put me down for the dirt nap asap. (For the record, I stole "dirt nap" from King Benny in Sleepers. Too good of a saying to let lay low. Kind of like "let lay low." Which I just invented.)

Now to the point, if I even have one. I'm heading to Miami for Labor Day, which is 4 weekends away. Yes, I'm counting. At this point you all know why I am rolling into the MIA. I am one of 10 judges for the 2004 Hawaiian Tropic bikini contest. It's a pretty cool gig with a pretty cool group of judges: Nikki Sixx, Alan Greenspan, Billy Ripken, Kicking Bird from Dances With Wolves, Emeril, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar de la Hoya, Jesse Orosco and Martha Stewart. Oh man, it's going to be a f'ing gem. The CSG teams up with the 9 aforementioned studs for a couple days of fun in the sun judging some rocking hot chiquitas in Miami. Dude! Does it get any better than that? Does it? No. Period. Maybe I am about to live the dream and just don't know it. As that lazy-eyed jackass on Sportcenter would say, boo-ya. Of course. Whatever the F "boo-ya" means. The CSG kicking it with Sixx, Greenie, K-Bird, Mart-Stew, F Face, the 3 O's and the dumbest person to ever have a television show. Brilliant. And to think that Hawaiian Tropic wanted me in the contest as well! But I said no. I didn't want to head down to Miami and outclass the mamacitas on the runway. I know, and Tropic knows, that my sparkly white Irish skin always outdoes the bronzed Venuses from Brazil, Argentina and Cuba. I've got a gift. What can I say.

Anybody need any more? Was that a large enough dose of insanity? I got plenty more where that came from. Let me rein it in for a second before heading back out on the ledge…

I am going to Miami for Labor Day. For real. The reason, as most of you know, is that my buddy, Randall McDaniel, hooked me up with a ticket for Noles at Canes. For the deaf, that means a ticket to the Florida State at Miami football game. This marks the third year in a row that I am heading down to Miami for a huge Canes game. It's actually becoming quite a tradition. Two years ago, Randall & I were at the Orange Bowl when Xavier Beitia missed a 43-yard field goal with 1 second to go that would have given FSU the upset win. In that I am a huge Noles fan, I wanted to jump off the back of the stadium. In that Randall is a huge Canes fan, he wanted to laugh while I was doing it. Last year, I went down for the Gators / Canes game that, like the FSU game from the prior year, turned into an amazing Miami comeback and victory. There was no need for me to take a plunge after that one. I was impartial. However, the Noles are back at the OB this year and I am needing some redemption. F'ing FSU has lost five in a row to the mighty Canes, and no team in this epic rivalry has ever lost 6 in a row. Therefore, it's quite obvious that I need to be back in the MIA for this year's go-round at the OB. Two years ago was a tough one. Not good times. To be honest, even though my boys lost, the times had were beyond good. It was a blast. And there's no doubt in my mind that this year will be the same.

In case you are worried, I'll give a breakdown of the experience from 2 years ago and explain why I am a Noles fan as the date of my departure approaches.

Anyway, I had this dream 2 nights ago that wasn't too encouraging. It was one of those quick dreams that basically gets to the point. In other words, there wasn't a lot to figure out. I dreamt that I was at this party and I was trying to remember something. Odd? Yes, but work with me. In the dream, I had forgotten to do something and was having issues recalling whatever it was. So I'm wandering around this house (where the party was) and find myself in the kitchen. Everyone in the kitchen is watching a game on TV, but from my standpoint I can't see what's on because it is one of those stupid little kitchen TVs that no one can see unless they are a foot away from the screen. (I never understood those TVs.) So I ask this dude what the hell everyone is watching. This nondescript person tells me that "Miami vs Florida State" is on TV and says it in a voice that has a "what the F is wrong with this guy?" connotation. I obviously think that this person needs to die asap based on his demeanor, but instead focus on the hope that he is joking. Much to my chagrin, I get a peek at the TV and see that he isn't. And guess what? Miami is beating Florida State 82-10 with 10 minutes to go in the fourth quarter. Yes, 82-10. Why 82? I have no idea. It was a damn dream, and a bad one at that. I guess stupid scores are acceptable in the subconscious. More importantly the Noles are down 72 in a game that I am supposed to be attending. Apparently I didn't get the notice that the game was happening. What a jackass. Needless to say, I was a bit freaked out in the dream both at the game and at myself, and was relieved as an old man who had just taken a long piss when I woke up.

Oh, and then I killed the nondescript person who was a prick to me.

No I didn't, but I kind of wish I had.

What the hell does this dream say about me? I dream about missing games? I don't miss games. Period. It's quite obvious that my kidney puncture has gone directly to my brain.

And no, I didn't puncture my kidney. I'm completely fine. Just pulled my groin and hip flexor. Thanks for all of the emails. Riiiiight. Bastards. Just kidding. I love you.

At any rate, I really hope that I do not live that dream in four weeks.