In addition to my personal chaos, the CSG's uploading specialist, Mrs. Colonel, has had some technical difficulties with a little buddy called a virus. Damn viruses. You can't live with them. You can't live without them. Actually you can live without them but what fun would that be. Right? At the CSG compound, Mrs. Colonel has been throwing jabs at this damn virus around the clock to ensure that you, the customer, get maximum satisfaction with your CSG product. I want to thank Mrs. Colonel for her undying efforts, and want to thank you, my loyal worshippers, for being patient. Like I said, this poison comes in waves.

Filling the Void … 8/7/04

It Comes in Waves

The above statement couldn't be any truer. When it's on, it's f'ing on. When it rains, it pours. When whatever, it whatever. Sorry for my absence, but last week was a wild one. Wild? What was wild? Try landing this triple salchow: Moving out of your apartment with an exploded kidney before catching a flight to a wedding in Kansas in which you are the best man. It might not sound like much, but it nearly killed me. Needless to say, I didn't get much writing done before going to Kansas, and I didn't get much writing done in Kansas. What I did accomplish however is the following. I moved out of my apartment without lifting anything "remotely heavy" (doc's orders), got to Shocker country, aka Wichita, gave a heart-wrenching 1-2 punch to the bride and groom at the reception, drank enough gin to put me on Kansas' 10 Most Wanted and added some priceless gems to the "story war chest" all while still nursing an exploded kidney. How 'bout them apples? Like Denzel said in Training Day, "King Kong ain't got sh*t on me." I don't even know if that makes sense, but sense is not my worry right now. In fact, I have no worries. I spent the last 10 days worrying about stuff. No mas. To be honest, I don't have an exploded kidney. At least I don't think so. What I do have remains a mystery. And there is 98% chance that I don't have anything, which is usually the norm with a paranoid hypochondriac.

Anyway, these minor details are what I've been dealing for the past 10 days since my column "Tour de Europe" went platinum two Thursdays ago. To say that things have been a bit hectic for me is the second biggest understatement of the month. Second only to…

"No question about it…there is much greater demand for humor than there is for f'ing granola."

Clearly.

(And Tour de Europe did go platinum, by the way. Movie due out Fall 2006. Gary, the hibachi chef, plays Lance Armstrong. I told you that kid was multi-dimensional.)

So please excuse me for not "filling the void" as quickly as I had promised since we toured Europe. It's been a bit nutty. At any rate, I'm back.

And I have something to spit about…

I have received some rather aggressive emails concerning the "Sports Guy" on ESPN. A few CSG readers have noticed that some of his stuff of late has been flavored psuedo-CSG style. Believe me, I've noticed too. Yea, it's weird. And yea, it might be pure coincidence that he is using CSG phrases such as "crap the bed," "poisonous," and "f'ing." Or that I write about Chong Li on a Tuesday and his column on Wednesday talks about Chong Li. Look, I understand that I'm not the only one yapping this stuff. Just seems odd that they're making an appearance in his columns now rather than before. Hey, I'm flattered. I hope the dude is reading my stuff. God knows I read his stuff. His columns gave me the idea to start my own gig. I figured I could "Sports Guy" the college world; consequently, my name. And so far, I think I've done a pretty good job. At least my 7 readers think so. Anywho, Sports Guy, if you are reading, here's my proposal…

You can borrow 'crap the bed', you can have Chong Li, and you can even use 'poisonous', even though I think I invented that word, but you cannot, under any f'ing circumstances, have "f'ing" or as you spell it "effing", which is bullxrap by the way. There it is. "F'ing" stays in college. It's the special sauce on a tasty CSG fish taco. Mucho gracias, holmes…

OK, that's done.

And so is my personal chaos. I should get back in the swing of things soon.

Thanks for not taking the CSG needle out of your arm just yet. Many fixes to come. Just let me catch my breath.