Don't miss Filling the Void … 7/13/04, Ink From The Clink;
CSG is on a roll!!

Filling the Void … 7/14/04

Habla Español?

This exchange just happened…

Me: "Hey Dad, let's swing the sticks this week."
Dad: "OK, when do you want to play?"
Me: "Mañana."
Dad: "What?"
Me: "Mañana."
Dad: "What?
Me: "Mañana."
Dad: "What? What the hell does 'mañana' mean? "

Anybody speak Spanish? Me neither. But I wish I did. I know a few words - mañana, holmes, amigo, muchacho, etc. But that's about it unfortunately. And I'm pissed about it. Why? Because every morning I go to the same bagel shop around the corner from my office, and I buy two coffees. One for me. One for my Dad. Everyday, like clockwork. It just happens that the dudes that work in the joint are all Hispanic. And they are always rapping with each other in Spanish. When you go to order, they switch to English. Not great English, but good enough to take orders from pain in the ass people who ask for 27 different things on their breakfast sandwich every morning. Because I'm a regular, they clearly know me. In fact, they call me "Two Coffees", which I proudly answer to. It's like a Native American name given to me by a couple of Hispanic dudes. I totally love it. I mean I've wanted to be a Native American for years. To be perfectly honest, I wish they called me "Magua" when I walked in the door. But "2 Coffees" works. Here is the usual morning ritual…

I walk in the door.

They say, "Hey, 2 Coffees! 2 Coffees? Ha ha ha ha."

I normally answer, "Hey guys, yep 2. Thanks. Have a good day."

"You too." Then the guys, always the same 3- or 4-man rotation, start speaking Spanish at 200mph and laugh their balls off while I'm busy pouring my coffees. Granted this doesn't happen everyday, but when it does, it's kind of tough to ignore. And I have no idea what the hell is going on. Maybe they all had a crazy night the night before and are rehashing some wild stories. Maybe. But I doubt it. What the hell are they laughing at? Are they laughing at me? Did one of the guys tell a good joke? If so, what was it? Was the joke about me? If you get 2 coffees, are you some kind of freak? Do they think I am a jackass? What the F are they saying?

I really want to know. I need to know. I think they are my boys, but I could be gravely mistaken. But since I don't speak Spanish, I'm going to have to deal with remaining in the dark. It sucks. And there is nothing I can do about it. Until of course I start taking Spanish lessons and show those Hispanic bastards a thing or two…

Why the hell am I writing about this? I'll tell you why. After watching the Home Run Derby last night and seeing the ridiculous interactions between Miguel Tejada, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez, I came to the realization that I am a GD imbecile for not learning Spanish. Do you have any idea how many laughter opportunities I missed by not understanding Spanish? For example, Tejada talked to himself the entire time while at the plate. In Spanish. He was ripping it off. It was crazy. What the hell was he saying? It had to have been amazing. Right? Was he cussing like a madman? Or was he telling himself to not swing so hard? Also, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez had some weird Spanish voodoo working while Ortiz was batting. Ramirez would say something in Spanish, wave his hands at Ortiz and then give a weird-ass grin. What was that all about? And when did Ortiz become Tejada's best friend in the world? (I have just been informed that all 3 are from the DR, aka the Dominican Republic, aka my favorite place in the world. And no I've never been. I just love using the phrase 'DR'. And yes, the CSG has a thinktank.) Ortiz was hugging Tejada, wiping down his face with a towel and giving him multiple pep talks. Honestly, it freaked me out a little bit. Hugging, toweling off and whispering? Oh dear. However, if I understood Spanish, it probably would have been friggin hilarious. Obviously. To put it simply, my personal discontent ruined my Derby experience. Not that I actually thought I'd have a good time watching the Home Run Derby. But some Spanish sizzle may have added just enough spice to make the experience memorable. Does anyone really care about the HRD? Is Berman really excited to announce it? I'm filled with questions, and they are all in Spanish.

Some quick observations from the HRD before I stop writing this God-awful column…

• Miguel Tejada speaks perfect English.
• Sam Ryan should walk into oncoming traffic after poking her eyes out and lighting herself on fire for giving the 4 worst interviews in the history of television. Three were to Lance Berkman. One was to former President George Bush. Her most brilliant moment was when she said to Berkman, after asking him 3 questions meant for a 2-year old, "Oh, you have a bee on you. Hee hee. Well, I guess, I mean, well, I mean, I guess, umm, umm, well, I guess, I mean, umm, umm, umm, umm, don't get stung by a bee tonight. Hee hee." I wanted to put my head through the television after witnessing that one.
• Chris Berman's understatement of the day… "So here comes Tejada, a member of the big-hitting club of Lee Mazzilli's. That club is going to need a little bit of pitching." Thank you, Chris, for the enlightenment. You SOB.
• I don't care what anybody says. Barry Bonds is a prick. A great player, but a prick. And he hasn't figured out that his dangling cross earring looks f'ing absurd.

Writing 5 columns in 5 days in the dead of July is painfully harder than I thought. 5 in February? Easy as Sunday morning. 5 in July? Stifling. In order to get this done, while keeping my readers on the edge of their seats, I'm going to have to throw the reservation out of the proverbial window. What does that mean? That means that a column combining hibachi chefs named Gary, NASCAR, I-29, cheese steak-flavored lollipops, Craphonso, the greatest actor of our generation: the guy that played Chong Li in Bloodsport, and a new drink called a 'Grabbo' is probably in order. And it might just take 2 days to write. Might. It could also be a two-headed beast. You never know. I never know. But when it's done…oh…when it is done…