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Filling the Void … 7/13/04

Ink from the Clink (Dos de Cinco)

You have to love offseason college football headlines…

"FSU Offensive Lineman Bites Head Off of Kindergartener"

"Tide Linebacker Suspended for Eating Own Face Off in Drunken Rage"

"In Midst of Crack Binge, Canes Wide Receiver Beats Escalade to Death with Yo-Yo"

Unfortunately, none of the above headlines are true. Actually they might be true and no one outside of the respective universities knows about them. At least not yet. Nevertheless, we, the general public, have been treated to a few gems already this summer. Not sure what I'm talking about? Put on the bathing suits, kids, we're taking a dip…

• Please tell me that everyone's all over the FAMU story. For those in the crowd that are "acronym impaired," FAMU stands for Florida A&M. Last week the Rattlers were stripped of 11 championships for NCAA rules violations between 1998 and 2003. How many violations you ask? 196. Yes, 196. Uh-huh, one hundred and ninety-six violations! The majority of the violations dealt with the university's compliance office allowing academically ineligible athletes to play. What? No way! Really? Some of the Rattlers might have been academically ineligible? Is the NCAA trying to tell me that Kershner Saint Charles, Steve Saint Felix and Kenneth Saint Fluer may have been academically ineligible? What about the 6 players all with the last name 'Williams'? No good either? Chazmen Geams? Gip Escarmente? Demetrius Burkes? Altarig Brown? Come on! This can't be true! Well, it is. Apparently there wasn't a lot of agriculture and mining studying getting done on the FAMU campus amongst the athletes. (Yes, the names that I just spat out are all on the current Rattler football roster. You can't make this stuff up. It's way too brilliant.) Don't get me wrong, I don't think much studying of any kind gets done among football players at 98% of the universities in the country. And frankly, I love it. The kids aren't pretending. They know they are at these schools to play ball. And God bless them. And God bless the kids that know they are there to play ball, but also want to hit the books. Prerogatives, sons and daughters, prerogatives. For the record, I'm not ripping FAMU. In fact, I love the Rattlers. Don't believe me? Go back in the 'On the Plate' archives and read the column entitled 'The Weekend - Part 2.' I gave the Rattlers hoops team big hugs. All the same, I just find it glorious that the NCAA found 196 violations. I mean 196 is quite astonishing. That's all I'm trying to say.

• Here I am, assault you like a Hurricane! What would be a clink column without some mention of the Miami Hurricanes? If there is ever something you can bank on in this world, it is knowing that some member of the Hurricane family will do something completely illegally asinine every 6-12 months. Incoming freshman badass middle linebacker Willie Williams is the big winner so far this year. Last week, Willie admitted to violating his 2002 probation sentence (stereo shop burglary). How did he break it? When he was in Gainesville, on his University of Florida recruiting trip, Willie got into a bar fight, hugged a woman without her permission (aka, groped the xrap out of her), and destroyed his hotel room with fire extinguishers. If Willie should violate his probation once more, he'll go to state prison and do some time. Wait, no he won't. He's going to UM. And it never rains on players once under the UM umbrella. Whatever that means. The point is that "Double W" could light someone on fire in a South Beach nightclub and never deal with the repercussions. You know what I think of that? Excellent. When you are the #2 ranked high school player in the country, when you are told by Bobby Bowden that Charlie Ward's number will come out of retirement just for you if you come to FSU, when you are personally driven around Miami by Larry Coker in his Escalade, when you are given a police escort to the Orange Bowl, then I think getting away with a few "fires" is completely cool.
  • Willie isn't officially accepted at Miami yet. Not like that matters. His defense attorney is "extremely optimistic" about Willie's chances of acceptance. Yep, and he's also "extremely optimistic" about getting greased some serious coin from a few alums for getting Willie off the hook.
  • "I don't believe you're a lost cause. I think you've got some promise and I don't think the thing to do is put you in jail." - Judge Michael Kaplan. Translation: "You won't forget about me. I think you'll be writing me a big check in a few years when you sign in the NFL. Putting you in jail is the dumbest thing I could ever do. Promise? Hell, you're a f'ing stud and I'm going to have fun watching you maul people from the 50-yard line with the tickets Coach Coker just hooked me up with."
  • The punishment for Willie's frolicking in Gainesville? "250 hours of community service and he is banned from drinking alcohol and taking unprescribed drugs." The previous sentence is no BS. How amazing is that? First, some foreign-exchange student named Bart Johannsson is going to have to choke down the 15,000 minutes of community service for Willie. I mean how the hell is Willie going to practice if he's got to help the damned community. No way. Send Bart in, he'll get the job done. Second, Willie is 18 years old. When the hell did it become legal to drink at age 18? When the hell did it become legal to do drugs? Apparently I'm missing out. Why the hell didn't someone tell me about this a long time ago? The most brilliant sentencing ever.

• I always thought that giving booze to underage girls was cool in college, not a misdemeanor. Especially when you are underage too. You know? Well, apparently Virginia Tech's Marcus Vick had the same misunderstanding in May. What an idiot! Little Vick (yes Michael's little bro) was convicted in May on three counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor after he and 2 teammates gave booze to 14 & 15 year old girls at his apartment. A 14 year old girl? What? That's not underage, that's friggin' My Little Pony-style. Underage is 18-20. What the hell was Vick drinking? Bleach? Pesticide? You want to know how old Little Vick is? He's 20. 20! And he's trying to get down with some 14 year olds. Jesus. His sentence? 30 days in jail and a $2,250 fine. Vick has appealed the jail conviction, and I'm sure his brother took care of the fine. He isn't going to see 1 minute inside of that prison. He'll be scampering for a 65 yard touchdown on an option before he goes to the clink. Beautiful! Oh wait, the story gets better. So that 14 year old business was in May. Last Tuesday, Little Vick was charged with reckless driving and possession of dope. Uh oh! The school suspended him indefinitely. This kid is on fire! He's unstoppable! Get him on a craps table asap. He'll rolling all night!
  • Va Tech AD Jim Weaver promised to punish the players, but refused to disclose what kind of disciplinary action he would take. My guess is that the kids will be taken out to dinner, will be bought a steak and a sundae and will be told to keep the dope and booze in the strip clubs, where the girls are legal, and to leave the driving up to Leo, their new limo driver. Well done.
  • "I believe that the actions this past winter of Mike Imoh, Brenden Hill and Marcus Vick were inappropriate and contrary to the values of out university and sports communities, and should warrant sanction." - AD Jim Weaver. Unless I'm drunk, isn't May in the spring, not the winter. What the F is Weaver talking about? He believes that the actions are inappropriate? No kidding jackass. They are inappropriate. Sanction? Damn right, the school will sanction Little Vick into fetching the university some touchdowns and a 6-2 ACC record.

Brilliance abounds. I love this stuff. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. We're still 6 weeks away from the first kickoff. The lunacy is only beginning. This stuff is beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful, tune in tomorrow. I have no idea what I am going to write about, but it'll be a guaranteed gem. How do I know? Because FAMU approved it, Willie's defense attorney is "extremely optimistic" about it, and Jim Weaver "believes" in it. The holy trinity.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go out, get painfully drunk and maim 6 or 7 people. Back at ya mañana.