Filling the Void … 6/21/04

Shinnecock and Balls

You like that title? Me too. (Yes, I'm thinking about Old School right now.) Believe me, compared to some of the other titles I was considering this one is tame to quite tame. I figured I'd "keep it in the fairway" for a column about golf. Right? Right.

Actually, I went with this title over some of the other more obscene options because this one surprisingly fits. Why? Because by the time Sunday rolled around and the golf course had flexed its muscle, Shinnecock had every golfer in the field, except Goose and Mick, completely by the balls. For the love of God, the average score on Sunday was just short of 79. Guys who went into the weekend only a few shots off the lead finished 20-plus shots over par. Billy Mayfair was even heading into the weekend. What did he finish? A mere 30-over. Yea, I'd say Shinnecock had a firm grip on Mayfair's nads. 2-time U.S. Open winner Ernie Els shot an 80 on Sunday and still finished tied for 9th. When is the last time a guy shot an 80 on Sunday and still made the top 10? Ridiculous. Tiger was 6-over on Sunday and finished 10 over for the tournament. Tiger at 10-over? I don't think I've ever seen that. Unbelievable.

I like how some of the players were bitching about the conditions of the course. Jerry Kelly whined about the USGA making the course too dry, too fast, too firm, too tough. Shut up Jerry. No one forced you to shoot 6-over on Thursday when plenty of guys were under par. Oh, and remind me who you are again? Thanks. Just be happy you made the cut jackass. Tiger whined, "I think they (USGA) lost control of the golf course." Yes, and so did Tiger. It ain't like everyone was 10-over.

I would have liked to respond to his whining with something like this…

"Check the leader board, El Tigre. Unlike you, a handful of guys were under par all weekend. Correct me if I'm wrong but Goose finished 4-under and Mick was 2-under. They clearly were doing something that you weren't: making putts. Look at Goose's scores: 70-66-69-71. One round over par. Aren't you the # 1 player in the world? Yea, and you broke par once. 72-69-73-76. Give Goosen his due credit and give the course credit for kicking your ass. Also, it's the friggin' U.S. Open. For God's sake, there have been U.S. Opens where the winner isn't even under par. For the record, this is the third time the U.S. Open has been at Shinnecock. The prior 2 times the winner was Even and 1-over. It's a tough course. Come on dude. Quit your bitching. You got thumped."

Regarding the tournament itself, I thought it was awesome. Personally, I like when the best players in the world have to play "par-golf" compared to "birdie-madness." I think it makes it more interesting. Every shot becomes critical. Drives in the rough? Kick in the junk. Poorly played irons? Kick in the junk. Too aggressive with the blade? Kick in the junk. It's way more strategic than simply gunning for the pin every hole. And the winner is the dude that beats the course, not the other players. And ultimately that is what golf is all about. Beating the course. At least that's what I think.

I don't have a lot to say about the nuances of Goose's win over Mick. If you saw it, you know. If you didn't, all right then. I don't feel like "hole-by-hole"-ing this crap. (Or shall I say "xrap"?) Obviously, it is a shame that Mick wet the bed on 17. It would have been cool to have the Open come down to the last hole. I guess I can't complain. The second-to-last hole ain't that bad. But for complaints sake, if Mick had managed to only make bogey on 17, instead of his double, the 18th hole would have been nutty. Mick with a chance to come back and tie Goose. And Goose would have had to par out to win. Do you think Goose's palms would have been a bit moist then? Indeed.

Anyway, congrats to Goose. I like the cat. In fact, I think I like all the players from South Africa. They all seem like good dudes. Ernie Els, Nick Price, Goose, Tim Clark. I think I could definitely have a few pops with them and have a damn good time.

On a side note, I know someone who hates the word "moist". This person claims that it is the grossest word in the English language. I don't really have an opinion on the matter. Moisture never hurt anybody. What I do know is that after hearing this person's opinion, my buddy and I immediately nicknamed another one of our buddies "Moist". Obviously. In all truth, the more I write "moist" the more I want to hurl. Who is the genius that came up with this one? Who one day decided to say something was "moist"? Moist? What? I'm telling you there is brilliance around every corner.

While I am completely off of the reservation, I have one more question that might make you wonder if I am writing this from a mental ward…

Who came up with singing? Who decided that singing was a good thing? Do you think that the first person who sang to someone got punched in the face?

Person 1: "Hey man, listen to this. Ahhh ahhh ahh" (that's supposed to be singing)

Person 2: "What the hell was that?"

Person 1: "That was singing."

Person 2: Punch. "That sucked. Don't do that ever again."

How did singing happen? How many people did the first singer sing to before someone liked it? Or was it a hit from the beginning? And does singing even sound good? Or are we so used to it that we like it? Take the above question and insert "instruments" for "singing". I mean who decided that a violin sounds good.

I don't know. Don't get me wrong. I love singing and violins and all that junk. I'm singing right now. Just something I think about.

OK, back to the golf. Kind of. I watched the final round of the Open at my parents' house with my brothers and my Dad. A little father and sons watching some golf on Father's Day, if you will. ("If you will" is brilliant. In case you weren't aware.) Good times. And when good times are had by my Dad and brothers there are usually several chart-topping comments made that must be shared. So here they are…

"I like "the golf sweat" because it reminds me of the blood on Roy Hobbs in the Natural."

This one is mine. Was I drunk? No. So what the hell was I talking about? Not totally sure, but here's a stab. Sweat on golfers is not like sweat after you play hoops. "The golf sweat" is a different animal. It's very random. It is splotches of sweat accumulated at odd places on the body. A shoulder splotch. A man-boob splotch. A kidney splotch. And the kidney splotch looks like the blood on Roy Hobbs. Kind of. Needless to say, I got hammered by the audience after I said it. Believe me, the comment's stupidity didn't go unnoticed. Nevertheless, my brothers and I began taking a "Natural" count (splotches of sweat) among the leaders and figured the guy with the most "Naturals" was going to win. Who had the most "Naturals"? Mickelson, of course. We were almost right. And yes I realize that we had given golf sweat a nickname. Naturally.

"Phil definitely has the walk of a fat man…you know…lumbering."

My brother. 100% truth.

Brother: "Fred Funk has never won a major?" ; Dad: "No, and isn't ever going to f'ing win one. Funk sucks."

Apparently my Dad and Fred Funk are not boys.

"The Duke of York? F him. The Duke of Pork is so much better."

Other brother again speaking nothing but the truth.

On an even dumber note, we noticed yet another ridiculous "golf tradition." You know when the starter is announcing the players at the first tee and says something like "In the 2:35 tee time, from Charm City, MD, the CSG." Well, when the starter announces foreign players, he doesn't name a city. All of the Americans get a city and state. The foreign guys only get countries. Sergio only gets "from Spain, Sergio Garcia". Why? Why not Barcelona, Spain or Liverpool, England? So of course, we thought this was amazing and took it several ridiculous levels further…

"From Asia, Shigeki Maruyama."
"From a land far, far away, Vijay Singh."
"From the Eastern Hemisphere, Fredrik Jacobsen."
"From not the United States, Nick Faldo."

You get the point. Extreme fun. Try it sometime. It's not tough to do.

Last but not least, the next time NBC has coverage of a golf event, check out the size of Johnny Miller's head. It's friggin' gargantuan. I think his head is growing and his face is shrinking. He's looking very Elephant Man-ish. It's great fun.

Coming soon…why sake in a box is ingeniously stupid, and why I would be the most dominant center in the League if I was Shaq's size.