Filling the Void … 6/9/04

June Junk Pile

So last night before the Lakers game, I was going to sit down and blast out a quick column on the miserable events of the last week. You know things like "why Smarty ripped my heart out and traded it for a pack of smokes at the pawn shop on Light and Cross St" and "now that the NHL playoffs are over will someone please pass me the bottle." You know things like that. But I didn't end up writing the column. I figured no one wants to hear me bitching anymore. I think I've been bitching since the Final Four ended. No mas. So I went out, ate about 7 pounds of raw fish and drank about 7 gallons of hot sake. An excellent combination to help numb the experience of watching a NBA game. And much to my delight Game 2 turned out to be a gem. Well maybe not a gem, but the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter were legit. OK, that's enough on the game last night. If I talk NBA, I'll start bitching and that's no good. This column has no real direction or purpose. I'm just throwing some garbage out for the bums to rummage through.

Have you heard the song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy?" It's brilliant. Have you seen the video? Even better. I can't get enough of it. In fact, I'm listening to it right now. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, here's a little background. The other night I threw on CMT just for yucks. For the acronym-impaired, CMT is Country Music Television. CMT is hilarious. And the beauty of it is that the station isn't trying to be funny. Anyway, this video came on, and it's friggin unstoppable. And so is CMT. Check it out.

Where in the USofA can I find the parties that go down in country music videos? The ones with oodles of biscuits drinking tallboys dancing like they don't care. Yea those. Obviously, in the south. God bless. It truly is God's country down there. But what about north of the Mason-Dixon. Come on now. Charm City could use a little infusion of honky tonk. (Come to think of it, I have no idea why Toby Keith didn't shoot a video on the Riverwalk in San Antonio for the Final Four. The OSU Cowboyettes got it done. I know Toby is a Sooner but I'm pretty sure he'd make an exception.)

Speaking of the south, I drove to Nashville about a month ago with my Dad to pick up my jackass brother from Vanderbilt. On the drive I was lucky enough to see a plaque documenting one of the greatest personal records ever. Forget Hammerin' Hank's 755, Wilt's 100, and Bob Huggins' graduation rate. We were at a McDonald's somewhere off of I-81 in western Virginia getting coffees and breakfast grub. (It's amazing how many McD's exist. They are at every exit on I-81. It's really unbelievable.) So anyway, we walk in McD's to stretch our legs and end up ordering at the register closest to the drive-thru window. On the wall there are several "employee of the month" plaques. And in the middle of them hung the greatest plaque in history…

McDonald's Achievement Award

Congratulations Danny Winchester

Mr. Winchester successfully served 108 cars at the Drive-Thru between 12:00pm and 1:00pm on May 3, 2003

The Company would like to recognize Mr. Winchester's fine work.

108 cars in an hour. What? Is this a national record? How is this possible? There are McD's in Charm City that couldn't serve 108 cars in a week. I'm serious. It has to be a record. Right? Danny Winchester should run for President. Anybody that can get 108 cars through a McDonald's drive-thru in an hour can handle pretty much anything. Am I overreacting? I don't think so. 108 f'ing cars! Greatest personal record ever. I'm getting a tattoo of Danny Winchester's face on my face this weekend. No doubt about it.

In order to get this tattoo, I'm probably going to have to get "drunker than Scooter Jones." If you've seen "Urban Cowboy," this makes sense. Where did Debra Winger go? Actually, was she ever anywhere? I don't really know because I'm too young to know. But she made a great Sissy. And Chevy Chase's wife from "Funny Farm" made a great rich Texan biscuit in "UC". And Uncle Bob liked a good chaw. And for that he's all right with me. And yes, I'm not proud to admit that I've seen this movie easily 25 times. It's always on those random movie channels you automatically get with basic Comcast. Lines like "you were drunker than Scooter Jones" are too good to pass up.

If grass isn't cut, how high can it grow? Treetops? Or does it fall over and look like a bad green wig on the ground? Why the hell am I talking about this? Because on the way to Nashville there were plenty of guys cutting the grass in the median strip. So my Dad and I tried to figure out what the hell they were doing there. Was the state paying them to cut the grass? Who cares how long the grass is in the median strip? If the grass wasn't cut, how would it look? Would it become a hazard? Would animals start living in there? In other words, we had a lot of questions. And all we came up with was that we thought the jobs would be pretty cool. We'd cut some highway grass. No doubt about it. Am I going insane? Of course I am. Ok, let's get in the mix…

Whew. Deep breath. So Smarty Jones lost. You know why he lost? Because I was in New York. Not at the race, but in NYC acting like a fool. Smarty knew that I had breached his comfort zone. He felt the Inevitable Kiss of Death, and in turn "died" with a few lengths to go. I suck. I loved that horse like a child. I don't have any children so I really have no idea how much I loved that horse. If that makes sense. That's all I can bear to write about that mutt of a horse.

The Lakers win in 6. Obviously.

I stated my case regarding the Stanley Cup playoffs and I think the judge ruled in my favor. Both teams played their hearts out, the Series went 7 amazing games, Iginla was awesome, the Flames red crowd was the coolest crowd I've ever seen, the Tampa fans reminded me of my neighborhood, Barry Melrose was drunk for 2 consecutive weeks and the US retained the Cup. What else do you need? You want more? The Dave Andreychuk story is outstanding. His wife negotiated his contract for him because she wanted to move to Tampa and ironically he finally wins a Cup after playing in the most hockey games ever without winning one. Unbelievable. More? Nothing compares to the "skating of the Cup." I got chills seeing the glee on Andreychuk's face as he hoisted that thing over his head. More? The Stanley Cup, the Cup itself, is f'ing awesome. Why? Because of things like what Tampa's Martin St. Louis said after Game 7 when asked about the future of the NHL and his team's abundance of young stars potentially moving to other higher-paying clubs. "It doesn't matter. We will skate forever as a team. This team will skate forever." That's the truth. Every guy's name gets permanently etched on the Cup. So as long as that Cup keeps getting skated, his Lightning will skate forever. Unfortunately, the Cup might not skate for some time with the labor strike looming. For hockey fans, and my personal well-being, I hope it does and does soon.

Hey College Sports Guy, talk about some friggin' college sports. Done.

I'm no lacrosse fan, but I will admit that 2 weekends ago I watched the Final Four and the Championship on ESPN solely because I totally jumped on the Navy bandwagon for obvious reasons. It would have been awesome if those kids had won their first national title ever. But those pricks from upstate New York at the 'Cuse had to ruin the dream. When was the last time Navy, or Army, or Air Force ever won a championship? A long time ago. However, in the grand scheme of things those kids are perpetual champions because they are winning our freedom on a daily basis. Lacrosse, or any sport for that matter, doesn't seem so important when you put everything in perspective.

Don't look now but the mighty Commodores from Vanderbilt are in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA baseball tournament. If they can win 2 of 3 in Austin this weekend against #1 Texas they'll pack their bags for Omaha and the College World Series for the first time ever. How about that junk? Help a brother out and show them some love Friday night at 7pm on ESPN.

Last, but definitely not least, did anyone see the "policy" that the SEC approved at the end of last week? Bluntly put, the new policy is designed to reduce cheating in the SEC. Because that's what happens in the SEC. A lot of cheating. Four SEC schools are currently on probation - Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Kentucky. And that's a good thing. Less cheating is good. I guess. But here's the kicker. The policy gives coaches a procedure for dealing with suspicious behavior by a rival school. In other words, it is a way for SEC coaches to whine about other schools who land better players because they have access to more Cadillacs. Does the SEC really think this is going to work? It's not like schools are going to stop slinging cash, cars and Xboxs to recruits because of this crap. I'm surprised every school hasn't been complained about already. This is insane. The article I read called the new policy the "Philip Fulmer Rule." I wrote about that rotund jackass and this exact thing in January, I think. Here's the scoop: a few years ago Fulmer whined to the NCAA about Alabama boosters kicking recruits some coin, aka they were getting better players. So he gave the NCAA names, dates, whatever regarding 'Bama in exchange for the NCAA dropping its investigation into wrongdoings at Tennessee. It ain't like Jabba the Hut Fulmer is crystal clean. That fool is always in some mess. And he got off the hook with the NCAA for giving up info on 'Bama. Ridiculous. Fulmer is quoted as saying, "I think everybody has gotten the message that this is the way things need to be. We want to have the reputation around the country that the SEC is not only a great conference academically and athletically, but we do things the right way." Yea, like he is some kind of saint. He's the biggest cheater of them all literally and figuratively. I hate Philip Fulmer with a piercing passion.

Remember how I said I was going to write about the Orioles? Yea, well, I lied. I can't write about them. Not because I don't like them. I love them. But I hate Sidney Ponson. And frankly I'm pissed at the O's for giving that fat Aruban bastard the money that they gave him. He's awful. Let's see Vlad Guerrero or Fatty Ponson? Yea.

On that note, I'm done here. I'm pissed. The tag team of Fulmer and Ponson will kill you. It kills me. Back with some more nonsense when it comes around. Be good.

Roll Dores! Horns down!